SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m just now starting to very slowly check out dating apps (in incognito mode).

I’m curious those who have found relationships, how did you meet your new flame?

I found my current boyfriend on a dating app it took many dates and weeding through literally hundreds of profiles. I had fun while I was doing it though, keeping it light hearted and not being too serious until I met my boyfriend. He literally took my breath away in every aspect and we took things very very slow. We didn't commit for a good 9 months just enjoyed each other. Then one day he asked me to be his gf fulltime. It has been the most amazing relationship I have had in my 50 years on this planet. Makes my XWS look like Charles Manson lol.

I am so very thankful for the dating app I found him on. I never thought this was possible. I have been having the best years of my life with him.

This is going to be a long-winded answer.

TLDR: stay off OLD and meet people IRL.

Now the wall of text. Sorry...

The world of online dating is very different for men vs women. There is plenty of research out there to illuminate this, and OLD sites makes their data sets available for researchers, so we are in, IMHO, the largest real-time social experiment in h8man history. So your experience might not be like mine.

That being said, there are plenty of podcasts that will tell you what you want to hear, sometimes for a fee.

I tried OLD, on and off, for years, and have come to the conclusion that it just isn't healthy for men or women. Let me explain my rationale. First off, I don't meet the criteria of an ideal OLD match. I'm older, under 6 feet, and I shave my head, though I make respectable money. For these reasons, women are not dislocating their index fingers swiping right on my profile pic.

I've been on 1-2 dozen dates from OLD and mostly they were first dates. I was the one who decided one date was enough. With the exception of one cheater, most women were wonderful people. They were warm, kind, compassionate and looking for a relationship. We just didn't connect.

My issue with OLD is that our primitive amygdalas are not wired for the level of choice that the internet provides. It simply overwhelms us, and we instinctively attempt to reduce our options by swiping left more than right. This differs in men an women, as women tend to swipe left much more often.

Our brains are wired to think in terms of 200-300 things. If I asked you to imagine what 100 sandwiches would look like, you could probably picture it. But 100,000? You'd have no idea other that it sounds like a lot. That's why the media uses units of measurement like an aircraft carrier, football field, or my favorite, the Olympic swimming pool. So if I told you that 100,000 sandwiches would fill an Olympic swimming pool, you would only need to imagine the number 1.

You see, we evolved in the social/communal structure of the clan, tribe, or village, and as general rule, they we usually 200-300ish people. (Funny, how the modern neighborhood or apartment block still fits this model) And, we would choose our partner from the limited pool in that village, or at times, from the nearest village next door. We would most likely choose our partner from a pool of 6-10 possivle people, less if some of those were snapped up. In any event, we were content... hopefully.

Now, add to this FOMO. With an increase in options comes a decrease in actual positive outcomes. If you are faced with a choice of 137 flavours of ice cream, you will dither, fearful of making the wrong choice and possibly missing out on something better. IF you have a choice between, chocolate, strawberry,
or vanilla, you'll choose more easily and probably be content with your decision. There are great studies on this, and no, ill not going to look them up (I have a bacground in design and advertising). There's also a reason costco only sells one type of everything. Remove options and people will be happier.

I think I need to apologize for my post...

I have had two longer relationships, and both have resulted in meet IRL, doing something I love. You see, the "face shopping channel" reduces human beings to a two-dimensional characterure and we are all much more than that. Yet people have reduced human courtship to casting a lead role in a rom-com.
Relationships need to develop organically and naturally over time. For that to happen, we need to interact IRL, something few of us do in our busy modern world.

So my advice is simple. Go out and do shit, lotsa shit. Do something small everyday like take a walk or pop into a Cafe, and do something bigger once a week like hear a band or take drop-in salsa lessons. I would scan my local website for upcoming events, and just go. Trust me, It will be good for your soul, and being the very best version of yourself is damn attractive. And chances are, if you do meet somebody, it will begin as a friendship, which can provide an excellent foundation to a relationship.

On a side note, I am in a relationship now, and we met at dance lessons, where I would go as a single guy. Plus I learned how to dance...

Appreciate the responses! I don’t particularly love the idea of online dating, but am going to try it. I do know of quite a few success stories.

Ultimately, it is the beginning of dating IRL, which is obviously the goal.

I am very active and play sports so I may met someone that way as well.

Just keeping all options open.

Crazy- will you share which dating apps you preferred?

I used Zoosk it had a higher monthly fee but I had a lot of success with that app

I met my partner on an app, we spent some time talking on the app itself for a few days. I made sure he could keep conversation flow and ask return questions. I shared some deeper emotional subjects to see if he was receptive. He asked me on a date, we met for crawfish and had a great time. We had quite a few dates and took things slow, lots of conversations, lots of open and honest sharing. We didn’t move into anything physical right away. It’s been really great! Before him I had quite a few negative experiences but I learned from each one and grew to remove myself quicker and quicker when spotting red flags. 🚩 make sure you listen to yourself and remove when you see them!

And big big big reminder that we deserve an amazing partner that is willing to give everything to us that we give to them.♥️

Sending you lots of positive vibes!!!!

Edited to add: I also made sure someone always knew where I was meeting people and who I was meeting and had a selected trusted friend to share my location with for safety.

Once things took off further I would also ask for std testing.

[This message edited by maise at 3:29 AM, Thursday, January 4th]

My partner and I matched on OLD, but never did anything about it. We met in real life on a group bike ride some time later and visited a bit while riding but didn't do anything else. After a few months we decided to meet for a walk and then started doing a few more things together like kayaking, hiking, casual meals and more bike rides. It also took us about 9 months to really decide we were together. Despite the fact that we "matched", everything about our journey was about real life and not our online profiles. This year we've traveled and camped to Yellowstone and the Colorado mountains and traveled to Europe and spent time with son and daughter-in-law, spent Christmas together and with parts of both of our families. Our OLD matching was based on common interests and those interests were how we finally met in person, not through a contrived and arranged meeting set up via text message.

It seemed to me that most of the ladies I matched with on OLD were just a little too eager to have a "boyfriend" or to jump right into an exclusive relationship. That is probably a gross over-generalization and likely just my perception due to how I was feeling at the time. I frequented OLD during my separation but only met for coffee dates until my divorce was final. I was in no position to be in any kind of relationship at that time.

I met my now fiancé online. I think we were each others second dates ever and I feel so lucky to have found him so quickly.

My big advice for dating, online especially, is to figure out your top character traits. My counselor had me do a values thing where I ranked different values and I ended up coming up with my five most important ones. I let that guide me in what I wrote in my profile and in what I looked for.

My fiancé and I joke that our Venn diagrams do not overlap at all. We are so completely different on paper. And if you had asked me what my requirements were before the value thing I probably would have come up with some list that included things that he doesn’t fit. He travels a ton for work and since my ex had his affair while on a work trip I always said I would never date anyone who traveled. But never once has he made me feel worried. I just feel completely different in this relationship than I ever felt in my marriage. My ex was perfect for me on paper but he lacked the character and integrity that I value and obviously that didn’t work well.

So don’t throw out requirements and still be incredibly picky but I guess maybe figure out what the right stuff to be picky about is.

I am dipping my big toe in online dating and went on my first date for coffee. It was easy and nice. I also am being more observant IRL while I’m doing my activities for potential people to meet.

I do get overwhelmed with OLD so I will just pause it. I’m only on one site for now.

Taking steps and it feels good. I feel excited and cautious about what could lie ahead for me.

I’m so unfamiliar with dating as it has been over 25 years!! But it’s nice to have someone look in your eyes and truly be interested in you. My former marriage had completely fallen apart and it was just a means of functioning as a family. I have truly forgotten myself in that equation.