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Day 2, Jan 2.
Journal. Well the Kindness ship sank a long time ago. I am not kind. Is cheating kind? Is deception kind? Is lying kind? Is fraud kind? Is abuse kind? Is gaslighting kind? Is selfishness kind? Is arguing kind? Is minimizing kind? Is justifying kind? None of those actions are kind, and they all describe my actions towards my spouse. So how in the world can I BE kind? Yes I need to stop immediately justifying, defending, lying, minimizing and arguing. That is a start if I can consistently do it. But what then? I am still all those things as my actions bear out. Can I actually be a kind person? Will that word ever be applicable to me? I don’t think so, which is really discouraging. All I can do is to try and act with kindness and humility going forward for her and my children, but I will never BE kind.

The 4 elements of kindness makes sense: Initiative, gentleness, helpfulness (meeting the needs of the moment) and willingness (being cooperative, flexible and accommodating). All I can do now is look for ways to demonstrate these every day to form habits of kindness instead of being my selfish, lazy, argumentative self.

Dare: Resolve again to say nothing negative to your spouse, and do an unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
Q1: What did you do?
A simple gesture – he basket of clean towels was sitting unfolded outside the laundry room in a hamper, and had been for a few days…I have walked by them several times and done nothing. Today I stopped and folded them all neatly and placed them back in the basket so that they were ready for her to put away or use.
Q2: How did you show kindness?
I think this small act met 3 of the 4 components of kindness
Q3: How can you make this a habit?
We accept what we walk by right? So as I move about the house, I can actively look for things that I can take the initiative to do right then; to not accept that "that isn’t mine to deal with" and instead do, not for kudos, but because it is the right thing to do to be helpful, willing, and thoughtful. Doing this will never earn me the title of "kind person," but forming kind habits are good in and of themselves.

Can I actually be a kind person? Will that word ever be applicable to me? I don’t think so, which is really discouraging. All I can do is to try and act with kindness and humility going forward for her and my children, but I will never BE kind.

If you believe that, and yet you love your wife, why do you want to keep her married to an unkind person?

All I can do is to try and act with kindness and humility going forward for her and my children, but I will never BE kind.

I don't believe this. You are saying you can't succeed at something you want to do and need to do. If you had a Marine Drill Sergeant on your butt every time you weren't kind or looked for it, you couldn't learn? BS. To me, this is nothing more than setting up a built in excuse for not trying hard enough. Change your thought pattern and you can succeed. Just remember, you can't fail if you refuse to.

Make a commitment to yourself to not fail. If nothing else acts of service can't hurt. Fold laundry, run the sweeper, clean windows, toilets, bathrooms, kitchens, dust, change light bulbs, tons of things that need done every day. Helping shows caring, caring is kindness. But, don't ever do it expecting kudos and be gracious if you receive them. Do these things to show appreciation and care, not for points. I do things every day for my wife. I find it like a game where I look for new ways that are different. I also have an advantage. I am naturally this way, so it wasn't a big leap, just an expansion of what I did before. But, you can do the same.

Don't be afraid to show kindness beyond acts of service. Have you googled this? Try it, there are lots of things. But, most importantly focus, commit (to yourself),and refuse to fail.

BraveSirRobin,

"If you believe that, and yet you love your wife, why do you want to keep her married to an unkind person?"

Because I am convinced I can change, and be a better person. Not saying that will erase anything I have done, but I truly believe I can be better and give back to her and the kids as an improved person..

I don't know if there's a distinction between that and "being" kind. If you want to be kind and then you do the kind actions, isn't that being kind?

I understand feeling that way about yourself because it doesn't come naturally or because you haven't done it in the past, but something I am trying to tell myself is that I can change and that my desire to do so means something.

Accountability check: are you still doing the days of the dare?

Pleasebeflexible,

I think yes, doing kind things and acting kind is kind, but it doesn't washaway the decades of unkindness, or magically make me not a selfish asshole, liar, cheater, abuser. Feeling lost on this right now

Accountability check - no. i failed on day three and got discouraged that i failed to do this right again. Yes, I made it about me which is the exact opposite point of the dares. total lazy fail on my part, and feeling lost on this too...again.

You could start again today on day three instead of giving up.

Hey! Consider this your challenge to start on Day 3 tomorrow.

I used to be very militant about veganism. Time and time again I would see people fall of the wagon, so to speak, and instead of just starting again, they would swing in the full opposite direction and start eating bloody steaks for every meal (an exaggeration but that's how it felt.) It was like they felt like if they couldn't do it perfectly there was no point in doing it at all, but I always wondered why they didn't just do what they could instead. It still would have been better to limit their harm than to double down on it. I'm much less militant now--I eat dairy and eggs--and I'm still glad I stuck with some of my original values, even if I haven't maintained them perfectly.

I hope even if you love cheeseburgers, this metaphor is at least a little helpful, haha. Don't use a failure at perfection to be an excuse to stop trying.