SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had that first consult. It was good, got some questions answered, gonna start looking at possibilities. The world didn’t stop spinning, I feel a sense of relief. I’ve thought about what I would think if I found out she had consulted a lawyer. I’d think "good idea".

Hang in there Inkhulk. This path your own most likely leads to a happier you. No matter which fork in the road you end up taking.

Good for you InkHulk. You HAVE made progress.

Good for you InkHulk. You HAVE made progress.

Not quite as much of a newbie anymore

And yet, I have no doubt there is still much I can learn from you all. Thanks all for the support and camaraderie and wisdom in all this.

Not quite as much of a newbie anymore

Definitely not.

(FYI - You just motivated me to go back and re-read my intro post to you in Cheaters Handbook. I still think it's pretty impressive that you didn't write me off entirely. Not everyone would have been as receptive.)

FYI - You just motivated me to go back and re-read my intro post to you in Cheaters Handbook. I still think it's pretty impressive that you didn't write me off entirely. Not everyone would have been as receptive.

I remember it to this day, it was one hell of an introduction.

So I’m not going to put a hard deadline on this. I’m going to trust myself to make a decision when I’m ready to make a decision.

I didn’t ask to hold your feet to the fire. I think that having "assessment deadlines" might be helpful. And perhaps for clarity later make some notes and put them in a drawer to pull out for a comparison.

Bluer than blue,

I think you are misunderstanding what I am saying about matching effort and being authentic.

First, the person I was in the affair was sick. And I don’t know if you can view that the way that I do, but what was happening was terribly unhealthy and destructive. I have a hard time drawing a comparison between that and someone putting their heart in their hand for their bs. When I say don’t compare it, I mean get the things you really want from your ws. Don’t link it together. It’s a separate assessment.

Instead of saying "I want to be pursued like you pursued him" (effort wise) realize it’s going to feel empty and maybe creepy when they comply.

I am just saying treat it separately because the longer you go into it comparing it, the more is being tainted in what is happening between the two of you.

Instead it should be creative effort, inspired effort. I am not saying ws shouldn’t show love as often as possible. I am saying keeping that bridge of behaviors tied to what happens with ap to what is happening currently is not good. Burn the bridge and build something new in its place. Something between two authentic people who are renegotiating the way they conduct their relationship so that both can be completely satisfied, happy and at peace.

But that’s only if you choose to reconcile and you are getting concerted effort from the ws of course.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:07 AM, Saturday, February 3rd]

I remember it to this day, it was one hell of an introduction.

I think I had previously posted on your 4 Horseman post about defensiveness, but I imagine that that was a whole lot less memorable than, "Hey newbie, you don’t know shit about shit. Here’s a 10 point list of all the ways you are wrong."

#knowyouraudience

Double post.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 2:27 AM, Saturday, February 3rd]

Not quite as much of a newbie anymore

Yo, OG.

Burn the bridge and build something new in its place. Something between two authentic people who are renegotiating the way they conduct their relationship so that both can be completely satisfied, happy and at peace.

Beautiful and inspiring.

Yo, OG.

Not sure I’ve earned THAT yet, but at least the next time someone tries to dunk on me, I’ll be having none of that.

Hey newbie, you don’t know shit about shit. Here’s a 10 point list of all the ways you are wrong

I hope you know that I’ve taken you deadly seriously ever since.

Thanks for the clarification, HikingOut. That makes total sense.

Of all places….

I went to church this morning and got triggered pretty hard. The guy preaching added this story to his sermon about a wonderful kind hearted man who married a miserly, cold woman. After years of silent suffering, he just so happened to meet an appreciative nice woman on a business trip. They just couldn’t help themselves and they (cue tears from the preacher) spent the night together. The kind man was wracked with guilt and promptly confessed everything. The bitch then made sure everyone knew and held it over his head for the rest of his life. Kind man is now really sad. The end.

I’m not even sure what the hell his point was, but I just sensed something was happening inside of me and I got up and walked out. I’ve been feeling off, but I’ve almost been trying to deny that it’s happening. I just went on a walk and did my best to open myself to the feelings and ask "it" what it wanted to teach me (that sounds pretty weird to me, you aren’t alone). It’s not a 10/10, more like a 6 to 7, but I definitely want my normal life to be more like this morning (which was peaceful) vs this right now. Gonna take a bath, read an old favorite, just meditate if I can. Any other suggestions?

This stuff sucks.

It sounds to me like you're attacking the moment with some solo time. Which is GOOD.

I fell back to music, working out, walks (a little tougher for walks in winter), reading if I could concentrate well enough.

Angry rock and roll would be my prescription for a day like you've had. My bands are angry for me and it helps to channel that stuff on through. Or ten minutes working the boxing speed bag. Violence without anyone getting hurt was also a favorite of mine -if that makes sense.

I'm thinking truly at peace "peaceful" didn't really kick in for me until five years after discovery.

I also found some silver linings in days like this -- days that suck -- they push those thoughts of what you really need, and really want life TO BE, to the front of your brain. Those thoughts, of going forward (regardless of any outcomes) give you something to aim for. At least they did for me.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:38 PM, Sunday, February 4th]

A good walk, thinking and feeling what my body brought to me, a long bath, and re-reading The Great Divorce (no pun intended) have helped, I’m on more solid ground. That is way better than drinking or watching a movie. Took some time, but that was some pretty good self care, if I do say so myself 🫶💆🏼‍♂️🧖‍♂️

I’m glad you are giving yourself some self care and allowing yourself to feel the feels vs trying to push them away.

Spending time examining how you are feeling and why is part of how you heal, no matter what side of the fence you are on here.

What a miserable sermon…
What is the message he’s trying to get across?
Maybe the only positive one might be that if you are unhappy in your situation then it’s up to YOU to make changes, because otherwise you might be slowly worn down again and again and eventually do something that might give you a moment of happiness, but then leads to eternal unhappiness.

In other simpler and classical words:

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

I think the point he was trying to make is that Jesus sees the hurting and broken even when others can’t. It was a horrific example for all kinds of reasons I’m sure I don’t need to name in this crowd. But it was particularly discouraging, feeling like I cannot look to my faith community for real support in this because of "unmet needs" bullshit like this and cheap grace theology mucking up dealing with reality.