SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi AN,

Its a year to the day since you first posted on your thread

"Not sure I can move past this..."

How have you been going?

Are you continuing to move forward? (knowing that the year long separation demanded here in Australia is nearing an end in a month or so).

We'd love to hear how you are.
Regards.
FAWH

Sorry wrong post.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:08 AM, Wednesday, March 13th]

Anyway, with regards to the whole sex topic, I think it is a red herring. The possible base issue you could be feeling is that she will not be 'giving' her all to the relationship. She will still have a part of her that is locked away from you.

This.

This is what it has essentially boiled down to! It's what I just can't get past, no matter how much talking/counselling and therapy, that any relationship moving forward with my STBXWW is irrevocably tainted with the knowledge that she will always be keeping part of herself locked away from me, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant.

TBH, I've come to realize it wasn't the sex between them that hurt the most, it was the betrayal, the lies, the veil she kept herself shrouded in within our marriage, never trusting me. Now I know that was the case, I'm not willing to settle for that.

You are right that in 3 months will be the 12 month separation period. I am ready for it, although our current financial situation along with the high interest rates etc. means that we can't sell the house just yet, we have effectively untangled our financial affairs. I remain in the house in the master bedroom (STBXWW has taken over the guest room), and we continue to co-parent our children, but we now lead completely separate lives.

I have been on a few dates over the past couple of months, but haven't yet met anyone that I've felt that "spark" yet, but the women have been pleasant enough and the dates (and after) have been enjoyable, I've had to be open and honest that I'm not there yet.

It's complicated that I cannot bring any female friends back to my home yet, but I know this will come eventually.

I am aware that STBXWW's AP has been in contact again with her, looking for "fun times" now she is a free agent - strangely now that she is (technically) free to be with him, he isn't as attractive to her as he was when it was all taboo - who knew?

I have begun to rebuild my finances (Amazing how much was being spent on "groceries" when 1/2 a hotel room cost was required every week or so!) which has been a relief.

I've appreciated the support I've felt from the users of this board, and intend to try to pay it forward in future to others who are going through what I have.

I remember your story. For what it’s worth, you’ve made the right call. Once you’re out of the house things will get better. Living in the same house puts a limit on how far you can get from her bullshit. Be aware if she’s still wanting R, it’ll get worse when that deadline gets closer.

AN,

The story of your sordid betrayal by your STBXWW is one of the most troubling examples of infidelity I’ve read here.

I’m a fan of Occam’s Razor as the primary analytical lens to apply to muddy conundrums. In your case, the main question is why won’t (or can’t) your STBXWW offer up her uninhibited sexual self to you when she had no such hang ups orbit before she married you or during her A.

To me the simplest answer is that:

a. She was never sexually attracted to you, or at least she hasn’t been for a long time.

b. She is also either unable or unwilling to try to do so with you even at the cost of losing her marriage

To put it bluntly, she likely sees you as a life companion but not a sexual partner. Thus she will offer mere duty sex and nothing more to you. Even when pushed, she would bend over, grit her teeth and offer starfish sex in a manner that makes her distaste clear.

This is rejection, plain and simple. Kudos to you for going above and beyond with your WW. Most of us would’ve instantly recoiled at this level of rejection.

You are making the right call. It’s her loss.

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 2:28 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]