SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am the reason why I know about my husbands affair - I found a gift from her to him. I pushed past his attempts to cover up what it was (he tried to tell me it was an xmas gift for one of our kids), and asked questions that finally cornered him until he confessed. It an on-line relationship that was sexual (sexting) and emotional (regular phone conversations). He professes to want to fight for us. All I want are the sordid details, and I think it's bad for me. But that's the phase I'm in. Sound normal?

sounds completely normal.
You brain needs those pieces to rebuild the past you thought you experienced with the reality of what happened. There is a limit to how much and how long this can go on, but it is far down the road. Also, by not sharing those details, he’s continuing to protect his AP and his A, and is not showing you the empathy you need. He will say he wants to protect you by not sharing, but the opposite is true.

What else has he done in terms of transparency? Did he share all his texts? Recover history if he deleted them? Has he gone NC with the AP?

Hi, I am new here too and found out back in Sept.
Since then I have had to know all of the details and I still feel like I don't have them all, apparently it is very common for them to trickle truth to you.

I asked details that my counselor advised me against but I am the kind of person that needs all the details I can to put the puzzle together in my mind to somehow make it make sense in an odd way. Although nothing he said would justify or really make it make sense to me.
I also needed to know what I was doing during the time of the events, where were his kids, where was I? What his thoughts were, the conversations, the horrible degrading details, sexual, all of that. I will say that I could have probably done with out the mental images but I need the details, I would rather have that then not asking and deciding 2 years down the road, I needed them.

Like I said, still very new to this process and I do not have all the details yet but I am trying.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to join us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. The Healing Library has a ton of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

Yes, your thinking sounds normal, or as normal as it can be in an abnormal situation. It's your brain trying to re-establish it's equilibrium. Actually, it's a trauma response and your brain is trying to figure out if you're still in danger.

Somethings to think about when you're asking questions include will knowing the answer help me heal, will the answer to this cause my healing to be delayed because I can't un-know the answer, or similar.

He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages, but is a nice blueprint. Another book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. One chapter that I really liked was about windows and walls, which helps describe boundaries with your spouse versus boundaries with others outside of your M.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. He needs IC to dig into his whys and to work on becoming a safe partner. After you've healed enough, then you can decide if you feel MC would be helpful. I don't recommend MC right away because many MCs tend to shift some of the blame to you, the BS (betrayed spouse). Besides, your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WH (wayward husband) did. He had many options to select from, but he made the choice to cheat.

If you have trouble sleeping or with depression/anxiety, please speak to your doctor. Take care of you and your children if you have any. Watch your WH's actions to make sure they are backing up what he's saying. Words are cheap, and cheaters lie and then lie some more.

Continue posting, and we'll try to help you out of infidelity.

Thank you, all.

regarding "What else has he done in terms of transparency? Did he share all his texts? Recover history if he deleted them? "...

He has answered all of my questions that dig into every aspect of the affair that I can think of. Is he telling the truth? How can I know? I asked him for his login and password to the phone and email and he shared. How do I know if there are other email addresses? phone numbers?

He did delete the chats he had with her - I asked to see them and he said it was "sexy stuff", and now it's gone. Is that something I should have demanded to read?

Who is this woman? If she's someone he is in proximity with, then it's unlikely that that this was a purely virtual affair.

She's states away - hours by car. That's not to say that getting together wasn't impossible, but it wouldn't be a regular thing. They met on a hook up site.

This is just a post to say that wanting details is normal, as is not wanting them. I'm in the details-wanted camp.

I thought the details would let me understand why my W cheated. I think I understand now, and that's partly because I know the details, but it took many years for that comfort to come. I got some immediate benefits, though. Every honest answer did a (very) little bit to rebuild trust and to rebuild broken bonds. Every honest answer told me she was taking responsibility for her A, and that's the first step in healing.

I thought the answers were honest, because I asked my questions again and again, from different POVs and with different words. Her answers were always consistent in words and in non-verbals.

I'm in the school that thinks you can't R unless you know what the issues are, and questions will surface the issues. I think there's a consensus around that, but there are people who disagree. For example, if an A is a deal killer, the BS can go straight to D without asking questions.

SOme therapist think a client may not be strong enough to know the details. They're probably wrong. Our MC told my W to answer all my questions.

Very normal

You do, though, eventually want to move past the details. Why? Because there are infinite details. There are always more. Endless ratholes to be explored. If you think you can’t move on without all the details, you will never move on.

The other side is to stop asking too soon. That is rug sweeping, and it don’t work either.

Wherever the sweet spot is between the two, a key is that when you ask the question, you get an answer without evasion or reservation. Period. When you know the answer is at hand, then you will likely stop asking, because you will have the answer to the most important question, are they now being honest and open?

I searched everything for details.

Sometimes I find myself still looking.

I just want the truth of my life. He answers everything I ask. I just "trust but verify" like Ronald Reagan said.

He was on a hookup site. He wanted to cheat. This was not an office romance that was taken to far. This was not an old girlfriend he reconnected with. This was a stranger. He wanted to cheat. That would be the question that I would want answers to. Why did he give himself permission to damage your marriage for that? A little bored? A job driving him crazy? Nah. He just wanted the chills and thrills.

I am so sorry you have discovered your partner was willing to do this. It hurts so much to lose the idea that you are married to someone you can no longer honor. It happened to me when I was young with small children. It took years for me to confront him. It also broke my rose colored glasses. We are still married but I no longer see him the same way.

They met on a hook up site.

This is alarming. I'm going to guess that this isn't his first A, and he has probably had sex with other people. You don't go to a hook up site to have an on-line relationship. Frankly, the person isn't looking for a relationship, they're looking for sex. While it's possible that he didn't hook up with somebody in person, the chance is pretty slim.

Unfortunately, cheaters lie - a lot. You may want to dig some more to find out if there is more. If he has been physical with somebody, then both of you need to be tested for STDs/STIs. You don't want to receive that kind of present from anybody.

Elara, distance was not an issue for my WW. She created health crisis’s for her sister, her Mom and business conferences she HAD to be there for so they could travel cross country for the first year and a half to have their sexual needs met…many of which were not an option for me, her husband. When he was done using her for a cum dump, he ghosted her but she continued in an EA for 2 1/2 more years until she came to her senses and realized she had never been more than one more notch in his belt.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 10:22 AM, Sunday, January 21st]

It helps a lot to know I'm not alone, and I thank all of you.

I keep emphasizing that even if he is being truthful, and answering my questions, the only info I know I've learned because I've asked. What haunts me is what I don't know - what answers I do't have because I haven't asked.

Today I found out the he had been on this hookup site much longer than he let me believe, and that this woman was a connection from the fall that he felt was worth building a relationship with outside of the site.

We start therapy tomorrow, and I will pull no punches.

Also, I want to write a letter of no contact. and have it delivered to her, requiring her signature. I want to make sure she gets it, and maybe her husband will wonder what's up. I want her to be scared and hurt like I am. Otherwise, she gets off free.

You need a polygraph. The person doing it can help you with questions.

The details helped me to process. Some of the details were painful, and I shopped for those painful details almost sadistically, but I feel they were crucial for me to process and understand the scope and the actual nature of the betrayal.

For some of us, on the horns of D-Day, we’re conflicted on what path to take, R or D. Our fight or flight response is firing on all 8-cylinders, adrenals are cranking out adrenaline. We are conflicted as to whether we fight for the marriage or take flight from it. Details can help with that. I think we search them out looking for certain deal breakers and deal makers to make our path more clear.

It’s hard reconciling with something you don’t fully understand, and it’s hard to divorce yourself from something that you thought you fully understood.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:16 AM, Monday, January 22nd]

If she is married, forget her—her BH has a right to know just as you do. You should inform him without telling your WH that you’re doing this. Contact the BH directly and tell him what you know. It’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you want him to tell you if he found out? How would you like to find out that everyone EXCEPT you knew and nobody bothered telling you the truth of your life? Don’t tell your WH before doing this—he might try to warn her. They might talk and try to get their stories straight. You have the element of surprise right now. Contact him and let him know what you know. He may have more information for you.

As a side benefit, he might be able to get you some of the answers you’re seeking. She might not have deleted everything on her end. You can also compare notes and pin your deceitful spouses down more easily. He might come clean with more if he knows she might spill something. Whatever the outcome, I’ll stress again that it is the right thing to do.

You have a right to know what you’re dealing with before you make any decisions. It sounds he is still hiding things—not unusual, they ALL do. Having an A has gotten them very into the habit of being dishonest with themselves and others. It’s not an easy habit to break at all.

Hang in there. It’s early days. This is sadly a very long road with more unhappy discoveries ahead.

"he tried to tell me it was an xmas gift for one of our kids"

There you go. That's how far and willing he is to save himself in this thing, should you be wondering.

You have every right to know everything and no less than that. He opened Pandora's box, and now that you have access, I really don't see how he can even pretend to claim any kind of moral highground.

Yes, he may feel regret, remorse, or neither. It's all irrelevant now really. I know it doesn't feel that way, and you don't want to feel this way, but prepare yourself to protect yourself.

When I found out I made a calendar of their meetings and conversations spanning months. He hardly willingly revealed anything, I pieced "it" together based on email correspondence I found. Believe me, I didn't want to be doing any of this, but he was being so vague and I had no choice for my own sanity. And I was trying to figure out my future, so I had to know how deep his deceit went.

So I completely understand, details are really important in revealing intent and belief.

Be forewarned, knowing the details never answered the "why did you do this when we were so happy" question. What answer can a cheating spouse come up with to really fix that damage? But demanding and expecting specifics and answers put me back into the equation of my own life. It was time to re-evaluate things.

Isn't it the least our "wayward" spouses owe us? To answer why? At least those of us who chose to stick around and give them the time for an honest answer and perhaps a second chance.

I suppose my advice to you is to trust your gut, follow through on finding out the "details" and specifics of your situation as you need to, and decide nothing, promise nothing, until you have the facts and know what you need to know to make a decision on whether the person you trusted and loved until now is still worthy of your love and devotion. Suspend your judgement for the time being.

Try to step back, protect yourself emotionally and your children (if you have little people to protect). I know that may seem impossible after what happened to you, but it's really important you try to be objective right now.

My WS went into deep therapy after his big F Up. I would have never predicted it because I was out the door already, but it turned out to make a difference in my decision to stay with him and try to retrieve the "good life" we had before, even as I questioned if any of it was possible or was even true.

I wanted nothing to do with him after his "dalliance". He wounded me so deeply it took years to recover. And recovery wasn't my first intent. I wanted truth and answers and out. I wanted meaning in my life again. I wanted an explanation to why he sold us so cheaply.

I'll never trust him like I did before. He has left me with the gift of vigilance, ie trust nothing or no one. Actually, neither he nor I will ever again live in the security we had before. With each other or in the world. Just that alone really pisses me off. What am I supposed to do with that? Or that HE was the one to gifted it? He really F Up our plans and lives.

It's been five years. Yes it took me that long to want him back. I stuck through it mostly because he fought so hard to keep me from leaving. I'm finally seeing him again as I did before he F Up. And I loved that person so so much, I'm so glad to be able to see him again, to see us again.

Still, as glad I am, a part of me has disappeared. I told him so. "She" is gone to you. Nothing can change this. But she's not gone to me. I don't know if I can convey what I mean exactly. The best most trusting part of me is now reserved and private and safe.

I realize I've gone on and maybe off topic. But this has been my experience and I have no regrets about my questions or expectations after discovering the affair. I didn't think we could ever recover, and I didn't necessarily want it, but I had to know what went on behind my back to have peace.

I should have been a forensic scientist. I'm like a dog on a bone. So when my H just confessed to me 2 months ago that he had a ONS 42 yrs ago in our first year of M, I had to do some serious research. We didn't have smart phones. Heck I don't think we had cell phones yet. No PC in the house. The "I don't remembers" just didn't cut it for me. It might seem trivial to some, but I've been with this man since 16. 5 yrs dating/living together. 42 married. This rocked my world. He was the last person I thought would cheat. He gave me a time period (before kids), a place they met, and all the details he could come up with. Didn't even remember her name! Started with a D! Really??? I had to piece a timeline together from property records and photos. Our business involves real estate, so I could kind of put things together from recd documents. 42 yrs is a long time, but I have managed to remember more than I thought I could. Details are important for me to understand and forgive. Not knowing is torture because my mind will fill in the blanks. Not good. Once I was able to fill in some holes H was able to add additional information. We have come a long way in short time. Still a work in progress.

when you ask the question, you get an answer without evasion or reservation.

This is spot on. Very hard to get to, particularly if there have historically been a lot of lies, gaslighting, or a lot of time has passed. Only you will know when you get there, if you can.

My FWS just really didn't know the answers to some of my questions, she could remember the acts, but not the talking.