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Hello all, I wanted some advice from R'ed folks. My d-day was nearly 5.5 years ago. FWH had an affair with a COW and had left that job by the time he confessed. His current job is mostly working from home, some office work. I know all of his coworkers and see them in social situations. No concerns with inappropriate relationships. He has been dedicated to repairing our marriage and besides some initial defensiveness and "can't we just move on?" bs had been a model wayward.

I had a severe stroke back in June (undiagnosed hypertension). I'm doing well now, it's just a slow recovery. It actually brought us closer (he had to help me wipe myself early on!), I had to completely depend on him. I haven't been able to work yet but he has carried the family financially.

Which brings me to this new insecurity. He has been offered a new job that pays better and is huge a step up. He will have a lot more social and business contacts, working in different offices. He's excited about the opportunity and I'm happy for him but...I'm worried about another affair. He has done nothing to make me paranoid or worried, so I'm unsure how to express my insecurity. I talked to my IC and I understand why I'm nervous- I am vulnerable and do need him. Before the stroke, I had a well-paying job (I'm a nurse) and could physically do everything, I have 4 kids and it's overwhelming.

Do I tell him I'm worried? Is that unfair of me? He's done the work, I do trust him.

I HATE feeling like this.

[This message edited by Hopeful0729 at 9:10 PM, Thursday, January 18th]

He will have a lot more social and business contacts, working in different offices.

If he has appropriate boundaries, this will not lead to cheating, if he does not, he could be in prison and he would still cheat.

It's really all about doing the work, having good boundaries, etc.

An example of someone who had very little social contact other than other women, was my FWS, she was a stay at home mother by choice, she was part of a mothers group, she had four small children with her most of the time. I was surrounded by almost exclusively female coworkers, of a variety of ages, many of them, single, divorced, and looking for something ( everything from NSA to marriage). I had lots of opportunity and never considered it. She took the first opportunity that came calling, and it did not matter that the kids were at the house.

I would suggest that you express your concerns, but that you also expressed that you support his advancing his career, but you can also make your boundaries crystal clear as well, whatever those boundaries are.

My wife has since returned to the workforce, by choice, but she knows what my boundaries are, she knows that any type of violation of trust means that we are done.

It makes perfect sense that you're feeling uneasy. I likely would too. I'm sorry to hear of your stroke.

Do I tell him I'm worried? Is that unfair of me? He's done the work, I do trust him.

OF COURSE you TELL HIM that you're worried. That's part of being an honest and transparent partner. As far as I'm concerned, it would not be fair to him for you to not tell him. It robs him of the opportunity to provide you with reassurance. You can say exactly what you said here. That you do trust him. But that the new job and the WFH of the last several years has lulled you into a safety bubble and it makes you nervous to open that bubble, especially now when you're at your most vulnerable. This gives him the opportunity to do his best to ease your concerns and comfort you, which may help to alleviate some of your (reasonable, understandable) anxiety around this. That alone can bring you closer together. It allows you both to discuss ways that he can make this transition more comfortable for you both so that you can avoid triggers.

Edit: whooops. Hit post before I was ready.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 1:17 AM, Friday, January 19th]

Echoing Emergent’s great post.

(And glad you are recovering from your stroke!)

I completely agree with emergent8 and BarelyBreathing. Genuine recovery is about transparency. I often struggle with the decision to reveal my scars, but if he is genuinely committed to the work of a new marriage post-infidelity, he has to be open to the fact that I AM SCARRED, and he has to work with me to overcome the them.

For us, and we are way behind you.. approaching the first anniversary…it’s been brutal transparency. It helps. I hate that I am damaged, still, but I am. If he loves me, he has to be on the path to healing. It’s okay to reveal you are still insecure. Of course you are. Some scars we carry for the rest of our lives, even as we find happiness and learn to accept them.

When he sees my scars and regrets that he caused them, when he asks what I need, I know I was right to choose reconciliation. That choice is a daily one. Every day.