SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

PBF sent me this quote in a different thread (Complacency), but it is worth moving it to its own conversation:

"Initiate Discussion About the Injury
Each time you bring up the violation, you let the hurt party know that it's on your mind, too--that she's not alone with it. When you demonstrate that you won't forget what you did and will continue to be mindful of its lessons, you help release her from her preoccupation with the injury. I often say, If you want your partner to move on, you must pay attention to her pain. If you don't, she will."

So how do you do this? Every time I want to it all sounds so laden with platitudes and complete minimization of her pain that will only hurt her worse. Looking at what I just wrote seems like total cowardice and excuses... This isn't going away and I really don't want to just stick my head in the sand.

How do you WS's out there do this? PBF how do you do it?

Thanks in advance for your wisdom

My reco is to ask your BS if they want to hear about this. Give them the option. That's what I wanted, anyway.

It's really, really hard. I've been trying, whenever I think of something I did that was hurtful to bring it up myself and apologize for it then. I'd love to hear other people's answers to this too.

This was an issue in my relationship during the early part of R for us. My (emotionally avoidant!) husband would take the fact that we WERE NOT talking about it as a good sign and wouldn't want to "ruin the mood" but it left me feeling like he didn't care, or it wasn't important to him, and that I was the one left to carry the responsibility of it all. Because here is the thing, for at least a year post-d-day I thought about the A CONSTANTLY. When I say constantly, I'm not joking. Like I remember 8-9 months out I celebrated the fact that I managed to go 15 full minutes without thinking about it at all. 15 minutes... in 8-9 months. Those times we weren't talking about it, I was actually showing incredible restraint. I was DYING to talk about.

I didn't care how he did it - truly - I just wanted him to do it. It didn't have to be some big momentous thing, it didn't have to be optimistic or inspiring or uplifting. I just wanted him to check in to let me know that he knew I was in pain, that he cared about me, to maybe provide me with reassurance that we were in this together. That the hypervigilance I was experiencing ALL THE DAMN TIME wasn't only mine to carry and that he was doing his best to share in the load.

SO I don't think there is a specific script because the triggers and the ways in which it pops into a BS brain at the beginning is so varied and ubiquitous. You don't have to approach it like it's some abstract new thing either - you can assume that if it's not already in the forefront of her mind, it's far. The words themselves don't really matter - let's be frank, there are no magic words that can actually FIX it. It's the ACT that matters - THAT is the expression of empathy. Tell her about an article or a post you read about X, Y, or Z that you found helpful/interesting. Check in with her at the day to see how she's doing that day. If you're watching a tv show together and something infidelity adjacent comes on (this happens ALL THE TIME), turn to her and ask her if she's okay and if she'd like to watch something else instead. If you're eating dinner and you watch an expression on her face change, ask her where her mind went and encourage her to talk about it with you. Share your feelings of guilt and shame - assuming that is not the ONLY thing you are doing it's not selfish. "Hey honey, I was thinking today about X and it got me thinking about how disappointed I am in myself for Y,Z and how that impacted you."

If you have not done so already, read and re-red the "Things every WS should Know" article that is pinned to the top of the Waywards section. I highly recomend you do so - there is so much good stuff in there and I find new things myself every time I re-read it - even now. I'm going to reproduce one section that I always find myself coming back to when counselling Waywards who don't know what to say or how to say it:

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, "I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again."

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect

moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most

comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

Sometimes, it didn't even need to be words, silent acknowledgments accomplished the same goal. For example, if we were at a party, and someone mentioned something that reminded me of the AP or the A (an activity she did or the name of a city she was from), my husband could grab my hand and give it a squeeze and that would let me know that he knew that he knew what I was experiencing. Maybe he might acknowledge it verbally later, "Hey, I noticed you were hurting when Bob told that story about his colleague's affair - How are you doing? You okay? I'm so sorry that my actions continue to cause you pain. I appreciate your willingness to work on this with me, I am so lucky to have you and I can't believe I did XYZ. THank you for giving our marriage a chance. I promise I will never take you for granted again."

I am a fan of the silent hand squeeze. It leaves it up to the BS to decide whether to open the door to a conversation.

Whatever your approach, you should prepare yourself for potential negative consequences. Maybe that squeeze will have an immediate positive impact, but it's also possible that they'll pull their hand away, or say something snarky, or burst into tears. Try to frame this reaction as another opportunity. The reason they're rejecting you is your prior rejection of them in favor of the AP. When you bear up under that pressure, you prove that you're offering comfort to them rather than seeking reassurance for yourself. Demonstrating that you can take the heat will be helpful to both of you over the long haul.