SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry, it should be 30 yrs later, not 3 .

New here, but I'm looking for some help/input. I'm 55 have been with my wife f53 for almost 37 yrs, married for 23. My wife ( girlfriend at the time ) cheated at least twice that she admits to ( I believe there are more ) when we were in college. I knew of one for sure, some guy she met at a frat party and screwed that night, she did this guy for a couple of weeks until I figured it out, we broke up for about a month, and ended up getting back together.

Fast forward a year, I'm at home working over the summer, commuting an hour and a half each way to see her several times during the week and usually staying with her on the weekends, ( we live together during the school year ) she mentions one day that she met a guy at work ( she was working at a banquet/resort facility and there was a biker- cop rally ) and he gave her a ride on his motorcycle . Ok , whatever, I trusted her. Fast forward another 10 yrs, we get married, we're happy, I still have the sting of the cheating episode with the frat guy, can get it out of my mind, not to mention I still think she has done more, but I couldn't prove anything. About 2 months into the marriage she becomes pregnant, I'm pretty excited, her, so-so.

The baby's born, were doing ok, until about 2 yrs later, right before Christmas I discover hours and hours of phone calls to a number in another state, turn out its a guy she met at work , supposedly over the phone. She had been calling his cell and his home number, turns out, this guy is married and has a small child. She gets upset when I confront her and says she thinks we need time apart, I say fine, get out but the kids staying with me. She never leaves, in fact she apologized profusely when she gets home from work that day ,says she was wrong and it was only phone calls, nothing more, again, I can't prove anything, life goes on.

Since then, ( as far as I know ) things have been ok ,had 3 more kids, life seems good, I still the have non stop anxiety about our past and tons of questions that never got answered. For the last year or so the anxiety and wondering has gotten horrible, last week I come home from work one night, sit on the bed and just lose my shit, I cry for an hour, it was all coming to a head, she asks what's wrong and I proceed to tell her. She's surprised, thinks this was all swept under the table years ago, I say, no, Ive just been dealing with it internally. She feels pretty upset, we start to talk, I ask her about a couple things that she denied, then i ask about the motorcycle guy, turns out it was more than a ride, she did go for a ride, but somehow ended up in his hotel room at the resort, and they screwed, I get upset, ask about him, tell her I can't believe she'd f some biker dude 2 hours after she met him, after a couple more questions, I find out the guy was 45 at the time, mind you, she was 20, and they didn't use protection!!

Now I'm so hacked off I leave for several hours, come back, get zero sleep and go to work the next day and stew all day. That night after more talking I find out he was a cop, from Canada, were in the states, made me even more pissed. She said it was a one time thing but who knows, I'm crushed and even more upset that he was her dad's age... So I ask her more questions, about other times I thought she had been with people before we were married, but she couldn't remember, I explained that I do, and I think about this everyday of my life, and ask her how she can't remember these things.

I'm so confused right now, part of me wants to leave, but part of me doesn't. I know it was a long time ago, but for me it seems like yesterday, we are starting counseling, but I'm not sure what to think, she's been very remorseful and assured me it has only been those 2 people since we've been together.( I'll also add after we started dating I found out she had been with a ton of guys in high school almost all were one night stands). She keeps crying and saying she'll do anything to work it out so I don't leave, but I'm just not sure. I'm just looking for some help and advice from anyone here. Thank you! ( Sorry it's such a long post )

[This message edited by Whopperplopper1 at 6:40 PM, Wednesday, February 7th]

Wow that’s a lot to handle. I’m sorry you’re going through this and it’s all coming out now. I think it was bound to at some point.

Your wife is a serial cheater who doesn’t seem to think what she’s done is wrong or at least not that bad. I can’t tell you what to do but from what you said it doesn’t sound like she’s going to change the habits of a lifetime.

She keeps crying and saying she'll do anything to work it out

Have her write out a timeline that includes any inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. Have it verified by polygraph.

we are starting counseling

Have you vetted the counselor on their views on infidelity? Many use the unmet needs model and advocate rugsweeping and blame shifting to the betrayed spouse. You should also consider individual therapy with someone who specializes in betrayal trauma.

Gently, DNA your kids - at least the first one. Her reaction to the pregnancy could be very telling. Plus she has a history of not using ptotection. Good luck.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you've had to join us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may wish to read. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms that we use.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. I recommend IC for you, IC for her to figure out her whys, and when you've both had time to heal/recover, then you may want to do MC. The M didn't cheat - your WW (wayward wife) did. During this time, watch her actions and don't just listen to the words.

One resource is How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald, and another is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

I know it was a long time ago, but for me it seems like yesterday

That's because, for you, it WAS yesterday. It's ok to now know what you want to do. You don't have to decide today. For me, I gave myself 6 month increments to evaluate whether XWH (wayward ex-husband) was doing the work to be a safe partner. (Spoiler Alert: He wasn't but it took me 18 months to get there.)

Rugsweeping comes back to bite you. Or should I say both me and you. I think you'll get through it this time if you commit to the resources above (books, IC etc).

As far as should you leave, well, it's an option. 55 years old is enough time to start again with someone else. But 37 years of history and 23 married isn't something to discard readily. There is no need to make the D or R decision right away. First, heal. Pursue more information if you need it. This was a long time ago but I think the polygraph might help you with 1) was the A with the guy from work a PA or just the EA she claims and 2) has there been anyone else.

You could leave from just what you know but I personally think what you know already is recoverable if you want. The question is, how has your marriage been for you the last 20 years? Are you still in love? Do you have any other red flags from the last 20 years?

By the way, is the 3 years later part of your thread title referring to when you brought the As back up with your wife or something else?

Whopper, I think you married my wife. Sad but true I am in a very similar boat. I'm dealing ok but there will be flare ups...triggers etc.My wife then girlfriend pulled her shennanigans between 19 and 23. young hormonal assholes I get it but it's the lies that hurt most and for how long they kept them.