SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"My ideal is that she remains stuck, whilst I (eventually), heal and recover."

Here's the thing about that, you never really will actually know it, one way or the other. I am over twenty years out, so am giving you my personal perspective from waaayyy down the road. I can be petty and vengeful and have always said that sometimes when you're dealing with pigs, you gotta get down in the mud. I still believe that. I did that with my husband. He walked through fire and glass to get back in this marriage. Having said that, my goal with her was to make her feel invisible, irrelevant, unimportant, unnoticed. I wasn't trying to take the high road or be the bigger person. I wanted her to feel like shit for a very long time and I felt grayrocking her would be soooo insulting to her, it would enrage her. She had her grown daughter call my husband. She had her grown son apply for a job at my husband's place of business. She called my husband in a rage when she received a seething letter that my daughter wrote to her when the affair came to light. She jumped through hoops to remain relevant and visible to my husband and to rub my nose in their affair. In retrospect, I am thrilled that I gave her not one shred of attention. Is she stuck? Who knows, but more importantly, who cares? Am I? Hell no. That affair permanently changed me, it permanently changed our marriage. The dynamic is different. It is imperfect, but it is still good. It's not shiny, our foundation has weathered a hurricane and it shows, but it still stands. She (the Track Rat) and their affair occupied two chapters in the 26 chapters of our marriage at that time. We now have 48 chapters and she is merely a regrettable and unpleasant footnote in our life. Do I still hope she is stuck? Damn right. Good luck to you. There is no perfect solution, no infallible answer, just muddle your way through as best you can. P.S. Just went back and reread your comment. It makes perfect sense and I truly get and don't hate the process. But, see, HER pain shopping is costing you as well. To me, any price you have to pay in addition to what you've already paid, is too high. Trust in the fact that she is in pain (she didn't get her way). Leave the rest to the universe and focus on healing yourself and figuring out what to do with your marriage. Or, at the very least, give yourself a set period of time to play footsie with her and then shut it down. I get it, I really do, but I've done a shit ton of research on this topic through the years and I've learned that the thing they hate the most is being irrelevant, being second best and being dumped.

[This message edited by greenirisheyes at 3:33 AM, Saturday, February 24th]

Wow…green…I am also Irish and have green eyes…and I feel all of this. You are so right. My UH came back after I shared that I would not make him choose. If he did not understand that what he did broke us…he would not be welcomed home and could go find his way. My favorite sentiment was a reply to an email that I sent them both. The reply from her (the AP) was …"good luck to you both"! I guess she saw I had kissed the Blarney Stone and would win any battle with words she would have. So, I am now left with a man who has seen me beat a dragon. I just think he feels he is up for the challenge. And I am now at a loss. How did this once protecter, warrior, and all around amazing man do this? And why am I now the protector? It really is crazy making! I feel sometimes like I am not rational when I think this through. Then I feel better reading here. Thank you.

Here is the letter I wrote…
Hi K, xxx, xxx or however you are commonly referred to:

I wanted to write this letter to both you and my husband so that you understand that I am not begging him to stay with me. Him sleeping with you and continuing to do so after 24 years has irreparable damaged me forever. I don’t think either of y’all set out to destroy me or my my daughter, but it has. She is struggling to look at her father in the same way she has all her life, and is worried about how all of the plans we have had as a family together are changing. I just found out about this less then 72 hours ago and feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, shoved down my throat, and ripped back out again. I am not writing you to solicit your pity, but rather to say that if I have to chose to fight for anything, it will be my kid way before my marriage. As of this morning xxxxx, you told me you want to work on things again. You want to cancel your Air B&B and avoid running away from this hell you have left Rxxx and I in. I love you and think an affair is reparable as I do this for a living. But we cannot work on repairing this while you remain in contact and connected to Kxxx. So I am begging you both to consider that before you make attempts at sneaking around together. All I ask for is transparency as I did not see this coming and cannot even begin to get my bearings if I never know which way is up. And Kxxxx, if you have a soul, please know what you continue to contribute to with your actions. You have been a part of the destruction of 24 years of history, love, laughter, amazing sex, and overall, killed my best friend to me. I have nothing to help me recover right now. But I will find solutions.
And Rxxxx, I do love you, and in the interest of finding out if there is any love left from you for me, I am willing to let you stay to work on this with me. I know it will be hard, uncomfortable, and shitty. But it could mean an even brighter & stronger future if we are able to salvage this. And after 24 years, we have seen shit shows and beat all of the odds as a team. I really want my best friend, lover, and life partner back. I apologize if this is out of line of me. But I had to do it. And know I am not placing blame more on either one of you, you both knew enough information to make the choices you did. I do hold my husband responsible for that Kxxx. But as a woman, I cannot understand how you get to a place where you can choose to engage like you have with someone’s husband, and be OK with the destruction you are complicit with. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Microphone 🎤 drop!
I got “good luck to you to both” from the AP. And that was it…nothing else…and a very remorseful HB. And now…almost 5 yrs later, I am POLFing…

[This message edited by Polfing2023 at 5:11 AM, Saturday, February 24th]

I completely get wanting to put on a united front to the AP, however any form of contact for taunting is giving her power.

The last time I saw my WH AP, I just laughed at her.

WH’s AP is a really nasty person who enjoys hurting others so I was not going to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much they have hurt me. I am unfortunately still in limbo as to if reconciliation is real or fake and any pay back, should it be fake , will be through prosecution for emotional distress.

I think staying classy and not sinking to taunting AP shines a light on AP poor behaviour in comparison.

I keep what I would like to do to her to myself, and I have to say I do imagine at some point in the future, I might unfortunately find myself at a social event where she is present and I fully intend to drop points into a conversation she can over hear, that will leave her wondering if I am talking about her or not. If she reacts then she will be again showing herself up. Ideally I never have to see her again.

hikingout, thank you so much for the book recommendation. I think this might be the answer.

I ran it past my friend who’s my favorite self-help guru, and she had nothing but good things to say about it. Another friend said it was "highly influential" for her. The three of us have planned a coffee date to discuss it.

I’m embarrassed and sad that I've been stuck here for so long, but I’m excited to practice putting that aside and living in the now.