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I found a book in my SO's tote bag. It was a used copy of a romance novel with passages marked up and comments written in pen. I have an idea of the person who may have sent or gave him the book (she lives in another city). But I'm not 100% sure. I'm thinking of sending a picture of one of the marked up pages to her spouse to confirm if it is her handwriting. Problem is, I don't know the spouse, but I do know where he works. Is it a bad idea to email him? The idea scares me but unless I ask I will never know if it is her. Any bad outcomes with contacting the AP's spouse?

Do you suspect an affair or know it? If so contacting by phone is the quickest way to find out. Your future is riding on this so go for it. Call the spouse.

Generally speaking, we always advocate for telling the OBS (other betrayed spouse).

But in my opinion, before dropping a tactical nuke on someone's life, you need to be certain who the AP is.

Also, unless the OBS is a handwriting expert, he won't be able to unequivocally confirm or deny or that his wife wrote those notes.

You should always tell the OBS. But I would never blow up someone's life on a vague hunch.

The person who should tell you where the book came from is your SO. I would go into detective mode and try to determine the extent of their betrayal and whether it's ongoing. If you can't find out more you still have enough to confront based on the book alone.

If you don't already have open access then when you confront you should demand immediate access to all electronic communications. Don't give them an opportunity to destroy evidence.

Tulip

This is your first post and all we have is that you found a romantic novel with some hand-written comments.
That is not enough for anybody on this site to offer ANY sort of COSTRUCTIVE advice.

It would help if you were to elaborate on why you suspect this is a sign of infidelity. Thinks like:
Are the comments personal and directly addressed to your husband?
Is there a reason your husband has this novel other than a possible gift from OP?
Is there any background on why you suspect your husband of an affair?
Since she is in another city – do you think this is an emotional affair or do you suspect a sexual context?

I am going to disagree with Bigger but you need to give a little more info. Does your H read romance novels? Where, and how, did you find it? Does he have times when you don’t know where he is and who he is with. And what were the comments he wrote. There are men who use women’s names and write novels like this.
I still feel you know him and we don’t. You know this woman and we don’t. If your spidey senses are going off you need to do some detective work but at some point you might need to ask the other spouse questions.
The more I look at relationships the more I know they are fragile. You have one now that has you very uncomfortable. I hope it is nothing but you do need to do something to help you one way or the other.

I always advocate for informing the AP's spouse.

However, you need undeniable proof of the affair and who the AP/spouse are. You cannot blow up someone's world without proof.

Is there anything else you want to share about your suspicions of an affair? We'd be able to support you when you want to tell your story.

Welcome to SI. We don't have enough information to give you proper advice. You need to start with your SO, get the explanation from him and go from there. We are here to help you navigate through it.

OP here. So I was trying to be brief but I suppose I was a bit too brief. Background is that about a year and a half ago, I saw on a shared tablet that he had forgotten to log out of his social media chat account. I saw a message exchange he had with another woman which were very sexual - she seemed aggressive and more into than he was. I confronted him about it, she apologized to me after he told her I saw the messages, then he 'unfriended' her. He apologized as well and said she was having problems, blah blah. It understandably bothers me at times still. I of course have no way of knowing whether they continued to chat other than asking (we know how that can go). So the book now comes into play. He does not read romance novels at all. One of the hand-written notes in the book was a phrase that he uses frequently, which made me think whoever wrote in this book marked it up just for him. I asked/confronted. He came up with a crazy excuse that he wants to write a romance novel and just had that book to get ideas; and the phrase written in it is "so common that lots of people use it." I didn't buy any of this. So here I am in this position of trying to dig further for the truth, hence why I'd like to see if it is this same woman from before.

Hi, tulip, understand cheaters lie and deny and minimize. The excuses I've read here over the years are just so absurd, anyone with any sense would know when they are being gaslighted.

My question is are you sure they are no longer in contact? Is your SO being completely transparent giving you access to all social media, emails, his phone, etc, his whereabouts at all times.

Does this woman live in close proximity to you? Is she a co-worker? The husband of my wayward Husband's AP found out about the affair, confronted them both, they apologized and then took the affair underground. It never stopped until I found out. Her husband forgot to send me the memo.

In any event, IF you have undeniable proof (copies of their conversations), I always advise to inform the other BS. I wouldn't ask about her handwriting, but I'd provide proof of an affair, at least an emotional affair that you know of.

Hi tulip70,

In most circumstances, informing the OBS is not only the right thing to do, it is imperative. That said, what is it that you'd like to inform? Surely there are other details that lead you to suspect an affair here?

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 3:26 AM, Sunday, February 18th]

I suggest you find more evidence, you need to be pretty certain before you tell someone their spouse is a cheater. Then, yeah...absolutely tell the OBS.

[This message edited by DuplinC at 4:44 AM, Sunday, February 18th]

Tulip70,

Never mind my prior post. I just saw your second post with the additional information. You should definitely try to contact the alleged OW's husband.

The other OBS called me - I already knew, but was being gaslighted about it, so it was actually helpful to have the OBS confirm what I thought was still going on.

Tulip

Thanks for the added info.

Have to say I don’t really understand the above comment about not agreeing with my suggestion we need more info, then followed by the statement that we need more info…

I’m going to offer two separate segments of advice:

Yes – if you can easily contact the spouse of the woman from last year then I would suggest you contact him.

Just keep in mind that you only share what you know…

Like DuplinC correctly suggest – you might need more to tell someone their spouse is a cheater.

But… You have enough to phone someone and say something like:

"Are you Fred, the husband of Belinda? I think you deserve to know that last year I found communications between your wife and my husband that were of a sexual nature. They used [place name of method] to communicate. I recently found a romantic novel with hand-written notes that I suspect might be made by your wife. I could send you a photo of the handwriting if you want to.

I don’t really know much more. I have no way of knowing if they have met or been in physical contact. I just know that the sexual content of the communications is enough to cause me concern."

Note you aren’t accusing her of cheating – only sharing what you know: there is interaction that you find inappropriate. For all we know they have an open marriage or some kink where stuff like this is allowed. Not your role to judge or convince him that your thoughts are correct. It’s simply a factual report of what you know.

Look – if someone were to contact me and tell me they had concerns about my wife and their husband… I might write it off as a crackpot… But it would raise concerns. Even if I was totally secure about my wife, I would probably mention the call to her. More likely I would do some snooping. The minute she realizes that her husband is on to it… either it stops, or if your husband then comes and accuses you of unnecessary intervention… you have just confirmed there is ongoing contact.

Second piece of advice:

This might be another woman. Or not.

There is only ONE common denominator in what you are experiencing, and that is your HUSBAND.

Let’s play along with him being an aspiring writer: Has he ever shared that dream with you? Does he carry a notebook and jot ideas while wearing a beret and drinking Cointreau? Has he been looking at writing class, lectures or anything like that? If not… it sounds a lot like a husband excusing using hookers on being an aspiring gynecologist…

It’s a bit concerning if your spouse has some hidden wish they don’t share. Like my wife knows I have an unrealistic and distant dream of being a fishing guide… (She also knows I would never go that path, simply because I enjoy stuff like being able to buy food and having electricity…). If nothing else this indicates a distance between you two.

I am a firm believer in the view that marriage is a choice.

YOU decided to be married to this man. HE decided to be married to you. Either one of you can DECIDE to be not married. You are both free to make that decision and then implement it. Only… with the others full knowledge.

Marriage is a bit like parachuting. Once out of the plane you better commit. He can’t be married – with all the commitments and benefits – for 23 hours per day and then not married – with all the commitments and benefits – for one hour. He’s jumped… he better pull the chord and enjoy the ride.

I think it’s a very powerful moment where you tell him:

Husband – you are totally free to become intimately connected to other women, to fantasize in romance-novels and imagine yourself as some olive-skinned Dr. Guido who saves abused wife from their miserable marriages or whatever. You can communicate using social media, phone, date, visit… whatever ANY woman that wants to be part of your fantasy. You don’t have to share intimate thoughts like your dream of becoming a romance writer with anyone.

But you can’t do all or any of the above as my husband.

From my husband I expect some basic behaviors. Things that were clear in our vows and commitments: financial fidelity, emotional fidelity and sexual fidelity. If you aren’t capable of meeting those simple basic behaviors, then that’s fine… But it does mean you are no longer capable or willing to be my husband.

Therefore, I am setting you free of my expectations as a husband.

I no longer consider you bound by our vows, and there for me neither.

I am starting to understand the process of terminating our marriage. There isn’t any big rush – there are laws in place that ensure we are both fairly treated and we can do this in as amicable a way as possible.

Although I have set you free then I ask you show me the respect of being discreet and maybe keeping your dalliances outside our shared home while we start the process.

This is not what I want. I would most of all want you to get some help with whatever makes you think what you are doing is correct, and why you think it’s OK for our marriage. I want most of all that we then work TOGETHER on our marriage.

But… losing you is 100% better than sharing you. Better than knowing that my role as your wife is limited to finances, housekeeping, our family and occasional physical sex, where I now suspect you are imagining someone else.

If you want me as your wife you need to let me know, share what’s going on and be completely 100% transparent. You need to let me know if there is ongoing contact and you need to end it NOW. You need to let me in on how you end it, how we can confirm it’s ended and what your next steps will be in dealing with your issues.

If you do that I will slow the pace of ending our marriage, but that option will be the predominant one until I feel safe enough to abandon it.

That’s it… Doesn’t matter who the OW is or how many or if he wants to be an author or whatever… You have an action-plan, and he knows you aren’t fooling around.

Then… irrespective of his replies – research divorce in your area. I am NOT telling you to divorce or that this will inevitably end in divorce. Hopefully your husband will realize what he is dealing with and stop. But if he doesn’t, and if you take no action… well… I think you will eventually find new contact, new books and new OW down the road.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:19 AM, Monday, February 19th]

Hmmm… if you have the means, I would hire a private investigator. I don’t believe you have enough evidence to make an accusation at this time, but rest assured a PI will dig up the dirt in short measure. This is your life, it’s worth the $1K a PI will charge to have proof one way or the other.

Thank you for the messages and suggestions. Some great advice on here; I do appreciate it.