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I don’t even know where to begin. Where can I begin? My son just confided with me that WW’s AP physically and emotionally abused him. Basically AP was at my house while I was overseas (before I even knew anything was going on) and my son said that whenever he was alone with AP, AP would verbally abuse him and slapped my son at least once. I am beyond livid at both WW and AP. WW for being so stupid and inviting this garbage into our lives. And of course AP because of so many obvious reasons.

18 months of R, and now I feel completely defeated, nauseous, and heartbroken for all the pain my son suffered for so long because he was scared of what AP would do to WW if he confided in me. I don’t know what to do with all of this. To all of the lurkers, especially the ones who are cheating, remember a person who is willing to cheat with you is nothing but a ghost of who you think they are, and will gleefully destroy your life for their own gain.

Oof.

I'm so, sorry HellIsNotHalfFull. I truly can't imagine. You are entitled to every single feeling you are having right now. What an absolute POS.

Obviously be there for your son, and shield him from the . Be grateful that he's willing to open up to you about this and remind him that he can always tell you stuff, even if he's worried about the consequences. I imagine that if it's taken 18 + months, this was a big deal for him. If he's aware of your wife's A or the tension in your marriage, it may be that he was afraid of sharing this info for fear of what it might mean for the family. Is he in therapy/counselling at all? I imagine in the circumstances, he might be preferable opening up about this with a third party.

I understand that you were away, but I am concerned why he did not feel comfortable talking to your wife about this. What does she say?

Emergant,

He is therapy, there were a lot problems that started during the affair that now, especially in hindsight, he was struggling with. Again I had no idea what was going on for majority of the affair she was having. I was gone overseas for 6 months and after I came home she lied and continued the A which of course caused many problems. Getting therapy for kids in my area is difficult due to shortage, but I finally found someone who is amazing and it is because of her he opened up. I suspect that he knows way more than he is disclosing but I am going to let him go at his own pace. I don’t mean this as a brag, but I am very involved dad and all of my kids trust me and come to me with difficult situations. With therapy and NC with AP my son finally felt safe enough to confide in me. There is more but I’m not going to go into it.

It’s a mess to say the least

Oh, man. I'm so sorry, HINHF.

I'm curious if your WW knew it was happening in real time, and what she says about it now.

HellIsNotHalfFull

Are you going to confront the AP? Did you expose the affair to family? Seems to me you should.

Also, what does your WW know about this? Seems odd to find out after the elapsed time and your "reconciliation" work.

Not a LEO or Lawyer type - but I would touch base with any you know to see what/if you can make life more miserable for AP.

- comment from one beaten many time by 'family'

SacredSoul,

She vehemently denies any knowledge of it, and before our son’s confession she said a lot of "well he would never hurt our kids" blah blah blah. Never mind that he was single and having an affair with a married woman with 5 kids. She knows what our son said and from what I can tell it has destroyed her to her core, as it should. Now I have to work and make sure no harm was done to our daughters (another point of contention where she denied any possibility that AP would do anything. I used to be a cop, I have no shortage of experience with boyfriends who got involved with women to get access to their daughters)

I am still in disbelief of everything. Of course I absolutely believe my son, I just don’t want to because it’s so heartbreaking

Hippo,

Thank you for your concern. The affair has been exposed to all her and my family, especially as that POS presented himself as a friend to everyone. As I told SacredSoul, I was a cop for a while, and I have informed the proper authorities about what happened. Will anything come out of it for AP, I don’t know. I haven’t made any decisions about what I will do with this information, more so for my family and our privacy. I know everything about him so I can bide my time and make a decision, but as I am the sole provider I have to weigh my options carefully

Damn Hell, that is f'ing brutal.

I don't have good advice other than to be there and fully support your son at this time. But I don't think you need that advice.

One of the things that broke me was finding out that my WH had let the AP near my daughter. I could somewhat deal with betraying me but putting my daughter in a situation where AP was involved? I catapulted to the anger phase and thought it would never end.

I say that to tell you that I feel you so much. Your situation is far worse. The AP laid hands on your child? Sir, I am filled with anger for you and your son.

My rational mind reminds me to tell you to channel that anger energy into making the best life for you and your kids. your spouse, on the other hand, needs to wake up and fully accept that shit situation she put her children in. She should be leading the charge to restoring honesty and peace in your family. It is NO EXCUSE that she "didn't know." One should damn well know who is around their children.

TheEnd,

Thank you for your support. I am a mess right now and doing my best to keep everything together for my kids.

HellIsNotHalfFull

DAMN!! in triplicate!!!

Glad to read you have exposed and - apologies for this - I have some doubt that your spouse did not know or suspect.
Now wonder if she is upset because you found out and YOU are now upset.

Also wondering how "AP" was alone (??) with your son. Also #2 - wondering that your son did not or did behave in such a way your wife should have noticed or (?!) was she in la-la-land and just emotionally deaf? Something wrong (still?) in that department.

Also glad that you have exercised what you can legally.

Being an ex LEO - I'm guessing you have been schooled in use of firearm and all the legal issues associated with such.
Being a CCW holder for several decades - and you a LEO, bestows on us a MORE STRICT level of behavior. That has to be infuriating!

"Seething with rage" internally and, worse, knowing the law makes the feeling worse! I hope you can get to the gym and pummel a bag to smithereens!

I hope your heart can take the stress.

TheEnd - I second all she posted!

Hippo,

Thanks brother, i appreciate it. As to how AP was alone with my son, unfortunately he was living in my house. In hindsight everything is so disgusting but at the time I had absolute trust in my wife. Her affair started right at a time when I left overseas for work (9 months). AP was a "friend" and he was going through a divorce (which now of course is because he was cheating on his wife with mine but I had no idea at all it was going on and his wife never even attempted to let me know what was going on or why she was divorcing him, I am still bitter over that). So my WW asked me if he could crash in our extra room until he got his own place. Yes, she has admitted that it was pure manipulation of me to make that happen. So for about 3 months he was living with my family, and now of course I know having an affair with my wife.

So, while I was gone, she had trust that he was some amazing guy (again not even considering that a guy cheating with a married woman of 5 kids could possibly not be of any moral character) so she would play house and make dinner or whatever and then when my son would go get something or be around AP alone he would strike. It’s so absolutely disgusting. There is a lot more, but basically my son was scared that AP would hurt WW so he kept it quiet and suffered the abuse.

Yes, I am extremely trained with weapons as most of my jobs habe required me to carry them, everything from pistol to machine guns. I have CCW, but I have to be careful. I am the sole provider for my family, and due to a lot of circumstances my WW could not ever get a job to support us. I would love to do a lot, but I have to make sure I dot jeopardize the safety of my kids who depend on me. What a shit show

Wow this is just wrong on so many levels. I would absolutely want to go scortched earth not only on my WS but the AP too. Mama Bear in me would be insane. I'm so sorry you had to discover this and more sorry that your son had to experience something he never should have been exposed to in the first place. WTH was your wife thinking?

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:54 PM, Friday, February 16th]

Sorry, brother, this is really reminding me of my D-Day 2. Take care of your kids and yourself, that is all that matters right now. I think I exercised myself to exhaustion two to three times a day to make it thru that week. Fuck.

I'm so sorry. This is terrible. Worse than the affair, in many ways.

When a parent brings someone around their children, they have a responsibility to make sure the person is safe,and the kids aren't in danger.

As a BS, this would be very difficult to get past,and continue the reconciliation attempt.

OP, how old was your son when this happened, and how old is he now?

Gr8tful,

I don’t want to discuss his age but he just a kid, not even a teenager yet, and it has hurt him deeply. It happened over two years ago at this point. For privacy and protection of my son that is all I am going to say.

InkHulk,

I actually thought about your situation, especially about POSOM getting your DD cell and texting her, so I know you understand. What a nightmare.

Hellfire,

Thank you and you are right, I feel this is worse than the affair. It’s one thing to cheat on me, it’s another to bring someone into our lives who abused our children. I am absolutely devastated over all this and I really don’t know how to process anything.

Crazyblindsided,

Thank you, I have no idea what she was thinking other then she had affair brain and thought he was some amazing guy. She was incredibly naïve and thought AP was a knight in shining armor or something. I don’t really know.

I wasn’t sure if you were around at that time. But yeah, that was the shittiest of shit shows for me. I suspect that if you are feeling things like I did that you are in shock. The good news is your kids are currently safe in your protection. Assess the damage, take care of them, give yourself some time to process the shock, lots of self care. I’d recommend not engaging your wife much until you are on firmer ground. Love all up on your son: he’s going to be pretty sensitive that he would be at fault if there are huge blow ups between mom and dad.
Sorry, friend. Be an awesome fucking dad right now and take it day by day.

Ink,

I appreciate it. I’ve been lurking for close to two years at this point and have followed your story because there are a lot of similarities.

And I agree, right now I’m focusing on my kids and especially my son, letting him be a kid and work through this at his pace. Most importantly reinforcing that none of this is his fault, and how proud I am for him confiding in me.

HellIsNotHalfFull,

A <<hug>> for you and another <<hug>> for your son.

Peace.

On the one hand, I don’t see how you can reconcile with someone who put your son in a situation where he could be hurt by someone.

On the other hand, you WW’s judgment is so poor that your best chance of keeping your son safe from creeps she might bring around is to remain married to her.

Do you think you can hold out until he’s 18, or at least at an age when he will be able to defend himself?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:05 AM, Saturday, February 17th]