SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good question

You've got good reasons for not trusting your W. Why do you say you have a trust issue?

Do you talk about the red flags in MC? What does the MC tell you?

The whole process has apparently come about since I started to ask her about messages and behaviours. It resulted in me being labelled ‘controlling and overly fearful’. Something I am working on in individual counselling. And arguably this could be true. I do have cctv in and out of the house. I did have a security tracker on the car (not used it) we did have Find My Friends switched on and time-to -time id check in to see where she was at. I assumed she would sometimes do the same.

We used to go in each others phones etc etc and was never an issue.

But now suddenly 6 mo ago, it’s like I do anything like this and I’m unstable. She says she’s had her eyes opened to how unhealthy it was. Maybe she’s right?

MC seem to side with her on this?

[This message edited by bobbo at 2:57 PM, Sunday, February 25th]

If this is the only person she has been this way with that she is knee-deep into limerence. That means her brain is constantly flooded with feel good hormones. She gets a high every time she gets a text, every time she gets a phone call, every time she sees him. Now you are standing there in her way, and she has stomped on your heart to get around you to him. That’s limerence. It’s not common sense. It’s utter stupidity but there’s nothing you can do about it at all.

Please pay attention to Bigger. He is a long timer here, a vet of heart break, and a survivor.

I will add these suggestions:

See a lawyer asap.

See a dr asap. Get tested for everything. You might want short term medication for anxiety and depression

Eat healthy. If you are having trouble then drink things like Ensure. You need your strength.

Get plenty of sleep.

Drink lots of water.

Stay away from alcohol and drugs

Get outside. Studies have shown we need sunlight in our eyes and on our skin to stay healthy.(do not look at the sun😂). Walk, bike, run, hike if you can. If not, find a place to sit for 15 minutes. The earlier in the day the better.

No longer yearn for what is not there

Recognize you only control yourself. Wherever she goes, whatever she does is her choice. You need to let go of any expectations and look at your reality. She is not being kind to you and that is very cruel.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:06 PM, Sunday, February 25th]

What do you think about yourself?

I know that's very difficult with 3 kids under 10, but if she doesn't love you, have you considered D?

*****

For years - decades - I experienced fear of being abandoned. For almost all of that time, I didn't realize it. I resolved it in therapy, and it was one of the best things I did and one of the best things therapy did for me.

I don't mean to say you fear abandonment, but your posts evoke memories of my behavior and thinking when I feared it.

bobbo, just read through your post.

Honestly, I think your gut is screaming at you, please trust it.

Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

After my D-Day 18 years ago, my husband and I allow each other access to our phones. Do we look? Not really but sometimes one of us has to use the other's phone, and there's no panic in sharing. We are both an open book.

Probably 9 or so months before I discovered my WH affair, I felt something was off. I just couldn't pinpoint it, and being busy taking care of a household and three children, a part-time job and a couple of evening classes, I shrugged it off but saw some signs. I wish I would have done some more digging then by trusting my gut, would have saved a great deal of heartache.

Your wife's behavior is extremely suspicious. Stay vigilant as quietly as possible.

I have a couple of questions:
What is it you hope to get from this site?
I have to say – you have been given advice and suggestions and you don’t seem to be willing to accept them. That’s actually quite common. I think BS often feel trapped, as if they don’t have any options. Well… you do.

Have you considered one thing? You mention that she wants out of the marriage. Yet she isn’t out…
Remember: it only takes one to want out. She doesn’t need your permission or guidance or anything to divorce. She can simply file.
So why hasn’t she?
What’s her purpose of attending MC if she wants out?

Am I just getting paranoid here? Is there any hope here. Should I let this run its' course and wait for them to get caught? Help please.

EDIT: one other thing, I was the main breadwinner - until last year when we switch roles a bit. She is now the main earner for the house. She pays 75% of the mortgage and I am the caregiver to the kids and work part time with my small business. So 'kicking her out' isn't really an option, and neither is leaving. I refuse to leave my kids, I won't do that. And kicking her out is sort of what she wants I think? So I'm the bad guy for wanting her to stay. Once again.

There's always a path untaken. Let's say that you do decide to sit back and wait for whatever's going on to run its course. It's not guaranteed that your wife would choose the marriage. Sometimes a BS is so stunned and paralyzed by the prospects of unwanted divorce that the WS has all the time they need to ease their way out of the marriage at their own pace and comfort. Meanwhile, the BS is still blindsided, even though there might have been suspicions for a long time, or more than suspicions.

It might be wise for you to meet with an attorney and get some legal advice. Information can be so empowering. Once you're in position to be able to plan for both the best and worst case scenario, you're likely going to feel less anxiety going forward.

Ok. So the way you write it, she appears to be cheating to the level of say 100 to 1. So could you be wrong? Sure. It’s possible that you might walk out the door and find a doubloon left by some long dead pirate on your front step. It’s possible that a monkey at a computer could type out War and Peace. But really?

We all live and die by probability and accept reality all the time. Otherwise we would never get into a car. So you cannot be a prisoner to inertia based on unlikely outcomes.

Your wife says you are paranoid. Well ok. Even paranoids have real enemies.

You should break out, seize the initiative and act. See a lawyer and get some info. The first thing you will learn is that you are not powerless. Disparity in income does not mean much. In many places she will have to pay your lawyer to help you. That’s what happens to cheaters. So get cracking. Stop wringing your hands and act. Act, don’t fret. Don’t worry. Don’t second guess. Act.

I would say do whatever it is that you need to find out - for yourself - for your own peace of mind. If that means getting a PI or having a friend help you either catch her in the act or figure out there is nothing to catch - then do it. Really. Living the way you are IS CRAZY-MAKING. Period.

It's hard to believe that if you told anyone all the details of her behavior that they wouldn't think it very odd behavior for someone who isn't cheating.

She doesn't really seem to be doing a good job to hide some of these things that are huge red flags. Almost as if she is teasing you with it some type of mind games.

She could be slowly introducing you to the fact that she is stepping out and this will be the new normal so to speak.

I'm not sure I'd need a "smoking gun" at this point to think that she has already checked out of the marriage.