SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear lord.

Niece and her boyfriend were arrested again today. Both houses were raided again. My SIL is delusional. She and boyfriend’s mother were outside the house when I got there and were going on and on about how there was no probable cause for the search and because no drugs were found at SIL’s house that niece should not have been arrested.

Y’all… they have both of them ON VIDEO selling 2 days after they were bailed out. There was an undisclosed amount of cash in the freezer and a bunch of ammunition.

Anyway… SIL was blowing up my phone and I was afraid something had happened with my FIL. Then she started telling me all this and I just pretty much dropped everything because this time my niece’s 4 yr old was there. I was hoping to get there in time to speak to the DSS worker but by the time I got there SIL had already signed the temporary emergency paperwork. She lives in a camper. I’m not sure she will pass the drug test she had to take but she’s sure she will. I STG she told me this morning "I don’t do drugs. I mean, I haven’t smoked weed in at least a month."

I just can’t.

We have a room ready for him. I don’t know what to do about the baby that is due any minute. I don’t want him to go into foster care but with what I have going on with JM, my own health issues and the fact that I’m 57 years old, I have to be honest and realize I can’t do it.

How was your day??

Sounds really horrible...and I hope you get some help sorting out the insanity where it doesn't overload YOU!

My life today: my only remaining male older relative, my last uncle, died at 6:38 pm tonight my cousin texted me. I just went outside and sobbed at the full moon, so much my dog wouldn't do her business and coyotes started yipping off in the hills because they heard the ruckus...we wanted to go there for Christmas but my Aunt told us not to come it was too many people....now I will never get to kiss him goodbye, and he was more like a father to me than anyone....

HUGS TO YOU and JM!!!!

Oh HFSSC, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. SO many people are having to deal with your type of situation. It's extra worrisome and heart-breaking if children are involved. If you think you are up to taking the little boy, get in touch with social services and offer. Here, someone living in a camper would not qualify to foster a child. If she fails the drug test he would surely go into foster care unless there is someone else in the family who can pass muster to get him. That would probably be you. Not sure though if anyone in your little family community would qualify as it's 'close' to the situation. My heart breaks for you with all you are going through. I guess it really is true that what doesn't kill us, only serves to make us stronger. To help the little boy, you must take care of yourself and your health issues first.

I've been in the position to see children taken from such a situation and sometimes split up from each other and sent with strangers and it's heart-breaking. The newborn will probably be placed with social services at birth if your niece tests positive for drugs. I sure hope the baby isn't born addictive. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

Superesse, I am so sorry for your loss. I have only one remaining aunt and she's 93.

I heard someone say something the other day that has stuck with me ... "It's sad when there is no relative left who remembers the day you were born."

Okay, my thoughts on your sister first (as her crazy situation would be a major stressor for literally anyone).

Selling drugs 2 days after being bailed out?!?!

I know based on what you've described that she isn't all that smart, but... that extends WAY past any reasonable thought process. Even if she intended to keep doing it, any reasonable addict would lay low after being busted.

Is it possible that she's coerced into this?

The way I see it that either...
- she's a full blown addict (with withdrawals evident after a day in jail).

- She is being threatened or having her kids threatened to do it

Or

- she's done so many substances that her mental faculties place her in such a limited range that she should be institutionalized with a catetaker.

Given her living conditions and the... er *state* of the local police force you described... it might be worthwhile to ping whatever defense council she gets assigned.

Unless, of course, she somehow can MIRACULOUSLY afford a defense attorney. Which would point to the second option.

If there is any chance that it's the second option, you probably need to contact the fbi/dea to see about oversight and prevention of possible police corruption.

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Thoughts on the kiddos.

You are not in a position to help them yourself. Healthwise, you can't do it. Your husband's situation doesn't help.

Wanting to so something is normal. Being stressed and frustrated is normal. If you have to, take it day by day, then do it.

If you have any stable extended family, I'd see about reaching out to them, though I imagine you've already thought of that.

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I was joking about taking over the church earlier but hell.... if you can do it and get minions---er, HELPERS---then maybe you should.

Honestly, maybe there way way too many things that would be super helpful that it sounds like you just CAN'T do.

Maybe making a list of the things you CAN do would help? That might redice the stress you feel by giving you something productive to work towards.

First of all, Superesse I am so sorry for the loss of your uncle. Hugs and prayers are headed your way.

Second, I was posting while tired and angry so may have been unclear. Also the situation is just so ridiculous it’s hard to explain.

My sister in law is not selling drugs as far as I know. She’s a consumer for sure. Her house (okay, it’s a double wide trailer and that is so cliche’) is where my niece and her boyfriend were living. My SIL was living there with niece and the boyfriend until about 6 weeks ago when she bought the camper.

Niece is 26 and BF is 33. And as much as I wish there were some explanation or mitigating factors, she is no wide eyed maiden led astray. She has been getting in trouble since middle school and my SIL and in laws always blamed someone else. She brought a hunting knife to school and was going to get expelled. Zero tolerance and all. Somehow that went away and she stayed in school. She got her phone confiscated for using it in class and my SIL was all over Facebook blasting the school and saying she paid for the phone and school had no right to take HER personal property. I’ll admit I got a little snarky and commented something like "Oh, no! Did she not know that using the phone in class was against the rules?"

That went over like a turd in a punchbowl.

I can’t remember if I put this in my previous post but the weekend after my MIL died, niece was busted twice in the same night by the same cop with drugs in the car. The second time was at 0430 and she had her baby in the car. (This is the now 4 year old). They let her go with a ticket both times. That’s when I called social services because as a mandatory reporter I didn’t think I could hold off on that. They opened a case on her. The baby tested positive for weed but since my SIL signed taking responsibility, they left him in the home. Niece promptly took off for another state and stayed for 6 months. DSS closed the case (since she wasn’t their problem anymore?) and nothing ever happened to her.

So it was SIL, niece, grand-nephew (who I’ll call C) living in the home. SIL has a serious issue with rescuing dogs. I can’t remember the name of the disorder but she definitely has it. There were 7 or 8 dogs in the house at one point. And not little dogs. Labs and pitts and those size dogs. When he was about 3, C was attacked by one of the dogs and bitten in the face. Animal control took the dog that bit him and then returned it after quarantine. (As I’m writing this I just realize how fucked up this whole thing is). And again, nothing happened.

Boyfriend and current baby daddy, let’s call him asshole (AH) from this point, "lives" about a mile away on the paved road. At that property he breeds super expensive designer bully breed dogs and sells meth and weed. Now I’m no FBI agent, but I have watched Ozark and Justified a whole bunch of times, and that sure sounds like a great way to launder drug money. He and my niece were selling from my SIL’s house until about a year ago when JM and my FIL had words with him and told him to keep that shit off our property. So since then, if two lying drug traffickers and an enabling drug using mother can be believed, the house on our property was only used for storage and all of the the business was conducted at the other house. Like that matters to the DEA and ATF.

Asshole is the one caught on tape selling 2 days after getting bailed out. Niece was not selling (being 9 months pregnant finally slowed her down I guess) but was recorded on wiretaps discussing the business and being definitely involved quite voluntarily. Asshole also went on facebook, TAGGED the Sheriff’s Department saying how they weren’t gonna ever take his dogs.

So in the raid yesterday, 19 dogs were seized. I’m sorry. I know it’s not funny. None of it is. But apparently everybody isn’t cut out for a life of crime.

They have a court appointed attorney. Asshole has 2 prior felonies so he’ll be getting life assuming the PD isn’t some super-lawyer working for the PD office because of truth, justice and the American Way. In addition to the prior charges for distribution of meth and weed and illegal firearms, he now has trafficking charges and resisting arrest. Niece, in addition to her previous charges of distribution and child endangerment also has trafficking and resisting arrest.

I know it sounds like I don’t love her. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. Our kids grew up together and my younger son has always felt they were siblings more than cousins. I am convinced she was sexually abused at some point but she has adamantly refused to get any sort of counseling. As much as I don’t like the idea of her going to prison, I don’t believe she is going to ever stop her self destruction voluntarily. Maybe this is the only chance to save her life. There’s a saying in recovery circles that there are only 3 ways out of addiction: locked up, sobered up, or covered up.

So… I don’t want her to have an inept lawyer but I also just want her to get her constitutional right to a defense. For her children’s sake, I’m sick and tired of her just getting away with everything and continuing to literally endanger their lives.

I had a long talk with her older sister, Niece#1 last night. Niece1 has her shit together. She is a single mom whose daughter just turned 5, and works her butt off to send her little one to a private school. She has nothing to do with her sister and little contact with their mom because she doesn’t want Cl (her daughter) around all the stuff. She would possibly be willing to take custody of the newborn but is rightfully concerned about her and Cl’s safety should someone in asshole’s family or drug connections decide to do something stupid. She’s also clear that if she takes custody she wants it to be permanent and she is concerned about her sister getting out of prison and deciding to take him back.

God, it’s just such a mess.

Honestly, I am amazed that your niece has not had to serve prison time previously. If the baby tests positive when he/she is born, they will definitely take that baby. Niece number one, the one who has her life together could probably easily get full custody and could possibly adopt and keep the kids forever and keep them safe. That is what restraining orders are for and she could utilize that process to keep her little family and kids safe. In a few years, IF your addicted niece gets her life together, possibly she could have supervised visitation. It sounds as if police and the prosecutors in your area are a little soft.

I once tried to help a veteran (Vietnam) who suffered horribly from exposure to Agent Orange and he smoked marijuana for the pain. He had 5 plants in his home he'd grown himself. His house got raided and he had four baby food jars filled with weed - and because he had an old, inherited shotgun (broken) from his grandfather in his home, he was jailed immediately. He had one prior arrest for possession of marijuana, and he got 35 years in federal prison - and died there. This all happened before the passage of medical marijuana laws happened. Sometimes I feel our country has lost the meaning of 'equal protection under the law' as people are not treated equally, usually according to their financial status. Public defenders are not highly funded, especially in southern states and usually defendants are forced to plead out and go to prison.

It sounds as if your family compound would be much more peaceful if niece and boyfriend went to prison. Even as as dog lover, I cannot imagine having that many dogs -- especially that breed that are well-known for attacking children. What a sad situation.

Be strong and hang in there - as that is about all you CAN do.

(((HFSSC))))

Your thread title… I just can’t relate more.

My husband has a lovely wonderful family that I care for deeply, but you do hear relatives discuss which jail facilities are the most comfortable at the family reunion. H says he’s a redbilly redneck hillbilly. I keep asking for an explanation in a venn diagram but haven’t seen it yet.

I hope rather than believe your niece will learn anything …. jailed or free.

I know what it’s like to deal with a family member who creates all of their own problems & then feels entitled to victimhood when forced to face any sort of consequence.

Who has done nothing but take from and manipulate his kind, loving, codependent parents.

Others who work hard, educate themselves and maintain employment are "lucky".

You do what you can when you can. It’s been 25 years of it and we have learned that ultimately we have little influence personally or legally.

I send you love and prayers for the children. Be kind to yourself for doing what you can and forgive yourself for the things you can’t fix.

Take care.

I’m so sad to read all of this. I pray for that child… The baby that is soon to be born. My son who has been in jail for a few years now was born addicted to crack cocaine. I’m sure I was not the best mother for him because that whole world is so foreign to me and the way I was brought up.

I burst into tears when I read the quote from recovery groups… "Locked up, sobered up, or covered up."

I know what it’s like to want to help more than you already are, but sometimes we just get worn to thin. I pray that the older niece will be able to take the baby if she can. That would be so perfect for that child. I do hope she will check into programs that can help her with dealing with addicted babies – if that happens to be the case. It’s really super hard to understand and to know exactly how to go about handling it.

I don’t know what is best for anyone in your situation, except that I just hope it can all be figured out with as little harm to children as possible. And to you. You’re going through so much, and it can really tear at you. Please take care of yourself. ❣️

It is a testament to your strength and writing skills that I laughed and cried reading this. Somehow you found the slivers of hilarity in a very tough situation. Not gonna lie- I’ll be giggling about the title all day.

I can’t imagine you adding more responsibilities to your overflowing plate. If you need to take JM to the doctor in an emergency, what would you do with the child and/or baby? Although you are stable and loving and sane, things might be too much in flux at your home. But no doubt you will stay in their lives and do all you can. Just remember that you can’t help them if you are overwhelmed yourself.

Also, if a dog attacked a kid here, that dog would be put down. Or at least re-homed. They don’t sound like folks who spend time training the dogs, so not the dog’s fault, but kids > dogs in this case. I’m glad at least the new baby daddy’s dogs have been taken away.

I wish there were better options for all of you, but actions do have consequences and it sounds like they have dodged those for years.

How are things, HFSSC?

Thank you for asking, BB.

Niece is still in jail, as is DA. My SIL has the baby and the 4 year old living with her in the camper while she allows the numerous dogs to live in her actual house. I can’t even with her.

We are doing whatever we can for the kids. C spent the night with us over the weekend and went to church with us. He was an absolute joy, well behaved. And the baby is just a chonky little bundle of cuteness. JM is back on the ketamine treatments every other week and in outpatient program that is going really well. And I have seen the psychiatrist once and start counseling on Friday morning.

Our trip to Florida is in 2 weeks and I cannot wait!!!

Sounds pretty stable, given all the moving pieces. Glad JMSSC is doing better.
Enjoy your Florida holiday.

JM is back on the ketamine treatments every other week and in outpatient program that is going really well.

I somehow missed that he was doing ketamine. I'd love to hear what you think about it, both what you observe and what he reports. One of my son-in-laws is doing it, and I've seen quite a change in his demeanor. I also read an article in the Washington Post this week that was someone's diary of six ketamine treatments. The author said by the end of the 6th treatment, she would have rated her mood as having only improved 10%, but she was also dealing with Stage IV lung cancer, so a very heavy burden. I hope it's working for JM.

Number 4,
The ketamine has saved his life. I am not over stating. He did EMDR for about 9 months and made some progress but the ketamine has allowed him to open up and talk about his trauma in a way I haven’t seen in our almost 28 years together. He has bonded with his outpatient program group and has shared details that he kept locked up for years without sharing w anyone. I think that outcomes have a lot to do with the environment and staff training. Everyone at the clinic has been wonderful and they stress how important it is that he maintain a positive head space for the rest of a treatment day. He’s actually been asked to be part of a study because he is responding in a way they have not seen before during the infusions. He is tripping, but also aware of his surroundings. They’re trying to figure out what’s going on in his brain that makes that possible.

That's great to know! It's amazing how it really seems to work just OK for some, and really great for others. Our SIL had to change facilities at the beginning of the year due to insurance issues - he had been at a major teaching psych facility's clinic, and I suspect it was large and not quite as intimate as the place he is at now. I think he likes his current surroundings better - seems to be physically more welcoming.

It sure would be interesting to learn why JM is having such a robust response. Is he getting IV, or nasal spray? SIL wanted to do IV, but again, insurance wouldn't pay for it, so he's gone with nasal delivery. Isn't it just crazy how research into psychedelics is coming along after so many decades of stigmatizing it? I've watched a couple of documentaries and read a couple of books about psilocybin - in fact, I have another family member who is micro-dosing with it. He hasn't flown in almost three years and when he did, it was authentically torture for him (he'd often throw up at the airport). This weekend he flew, and I'm looking forward to hearing a report on how it went. When I did ECT many years ago, I was given ketamine a couple of times orally moments prior to being put under anesthesia for the treatment. Even back then (2013?) they obviously knew of the benefits of ketamine. I hope JM continues to see improvement!

N4, he has been getting the IV infusions. Not covered by insurance but we’ve gotten help from a few people to keep us afloat. He is going to talk to the Dr tomorrow about switching to the nasal form, which is partly covered by our insurance. Just needed to get him back to a stable place first.

I STG it just doesn’t ever get easy here.

So 3 weeks ago we were told by SIL that niece was being bailed out my DA’s family and needed a stable place to go. She was feeling out how we’d feel about niece staying at FIL’s house. We are very opposed to that because Pop has been having some pretty serious health problems.

He was supposed to have knee surgery in March. It’s minor— repairing a torn meniscus. But he had to have cardiac clearance and he failed his stress test. Heart cath was initially interpreted as very bad—4 vessels with blockages that would likely require a quad bypass. Next day, however, the cardiologists reversed themselves and said, Nah, there’s just one vessel that’s severely obstructed. 2 are moderate but could accommodate stents. So his knee surgery is back on—5 days before we leave for our conference/vacation 600 miles away. Last thing Pop needs is worrying over his out on bail granddaughter in his house and what she might be doing.

So… 3 weeks ago we tentatively mentioned that we have an empty room and would consider allowing her to stay here. This was with the understanding that she isn’t allowed to live with the kids because she has a child neglect/abuse charge. And JM had told his sister he’d help clean up her house so that she and the kids could move back in it. Except that I then had Covid, then JM had Covid, and he found out that his sister was allowing all 19 dogs to be left back on her property, expecting JM to go over and take care of them. And she was letting the dogs just have free rein in the house. So creating further destruction and mess for JM and our DS to try to clean up.

Last weekend he told his sister things had changed and this would not be an option. He told her she needed a new plan. Well, we never heard anything until Friday when she informed JM that niece was supposed to be released yesterday. And the ankle monitor company needed to come set up stuff at our house. He was like, uh hold up— we told you this was not gonna happen and you needed a new plan. And she dropped on him that DA (the dumbass baby daddy drug dealing, dog breeding woman beating guy who cried crocodile tears apologizing) was gonna be living in the house and that’s why niece needs to stay with us.

That’s when JM lost it. She has put dogs and now this person who has 5 kids w 4 different baby mamas over her grandchildren, over her own daughter, over her father and her brother. She just expects that we will be willingly inconvenienced for at least the next few months because she can’t stay here alone. She doesn’t have a strong track record for being honest or following rules. But WE are the ones supposed to alter our lifestyle and routines so that this person who is no relation to us can live in the 1800 sq ft home and keep raising these horrible dogs.

Meanwhile SIL is still living in a camper. With a newborn and a 4 year old. And she send this text to JM today saying her attorney wants to speak with us because this is all in a court order and we can’t just change it like that.

Like, how you gonna get a court order requiring us to accept someone out of jail into OUR home??? When we haven’t signed anything or ever even verbally agreed to her plan? The entitlement just baffles me.

Good lord.

WWUJD? What Would Uncle Joe Do?

Holy cow and what a mess! I don't have any advice, but can empathize.

A guy who was in jail for domestic violence was out on work release without a job. Killed his girlfriend in front of her boys. Court systems don't always make sense or check what they're doing is in the best interests of those involved.

Absolutely not. Under RICO laws you could lose your home if it's raided. The same with your FIL. Please don't allow this. That is BS about not being able to back out. Just do it and say NO. You would probably come home to nothing left in your home. Addicts steal to pay for their habits.

Lock everything down tight and go on your trip - and have the police do a daily WELFARE check on your FIL while you are gone. I'm sure they would understand why you need them to check on him.