SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Coming here for collective wisdom.
We had a question on an electronic message that popped up after an outside company did an oil change on our car.
We couldn't fix it so decided to go to the dealer.We saw the service manager. He was very helpful. he checked the car, fixed the message problem and then offered to put the car through the car wash.

He noted that the inspection was due in a couple of months. There was no charge for anything. We were extremely grateful as we have had snow over the last couple of weeks. Bearing in mind that we had just got back from a trip to a Caribbean country where you have to tip for everything, my BH wanted to give the man a tip. I also wished to express gratitude, but as he was the manager, I was not sure that that would be appropriate.Anyway reluctantly I got out a $20.00 bill and asked him to give it to his favorite charity. He was a little taken aback.

Bearing in mind that my spouse is in the early stages of dementia, and in denial, I felt that it was the easiest thing to do. He has no idea what day of the week it is and will ask me the same question several times a day, but when he does get something stuck in his head he will not let go.

This is the question
BH now wants me to buy the Manager a bottle of the best whisky and send it to him with a little note to say how grateful we are.My idea would have been to get a gift card for one of the restaurant groups so he could go out for a meal. We don't know anything about the guy and for all we know he may have religious restrictions or be a recovering alcoholic. ANY SUGGESTIONS

IMO, I think any gift is inappropriate.

They are just doing their jobs at the dealership, it sounds as though they have great customer service.

This coming from me who tips almost everyone.

IF I felt very strongly about something appreciative, I probably would have sent bagels or donuts for the entire staff to enjoy as a thank you for great service.

[This message edited by annb at 9:04 PM, Sunday, February 25th]

I work in retail. We are not allowed to take a tip or gift from anyone for anything, period. I think you'd want to be sure he is allowed to receive a tip or gift.

Unless your H knows exactly for sure that the guy is a whiskey aficionado, I would pass. We are not drinkers, and it's always awkward when someone brings us alcohol as a gift when they don't know. That being said, we always graciously accept it because inevitably we have guests down the road that we can serve it to, and the gift saves us from having to keep alcohol stocked in the house.

Is there any way at this point you can say something to your H to appease him? Will he remember to say something to the service manager next time he sees him about receiving whiskey from you? When he asks you several times a day if you sent the whiskey, you can just answer, "I took care of it." Deflect as much as you need to.

Like AnnB said, I would more along the lines offer donuts or pastries to the department.

I too agree that a gift is inappropriate. Most employers do not allow them anymore. It reflects poorly.
I often go above and beyond for patients. Usually because I know they appreciate it and it will keep them hethy. I cannot accept any gift. If it is sent we have to give it back and notify leadership. Of course pharma and their shenanigans plays a part in these current policies.

When patients ask for my address I let them know gifts cannot be accepted. To please send a note to my bosses in thanks. I do appreciate the thank yous. I keep them all throughout my career.

Lastly I would let your H know you took care of it and send a thank you to corporate and be done.

The best "gift" I ever got from someone that I helped was a card, expressing their gratitude and how much they appreciated that I went above and beyond, it was very sweet, and I still have it on my desk two years later.

My H is a manager at a dealership. He says a gift or tip could cause problems.

He recommends sending a letter or an email to the man’s boss or another higher-up naming this man "and his team" and describing their excellent service.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

It was difficult at the dealer as I did not want to start a disagreement in public. BH is somewhat volatile and I never know what is going to trigger him. Normally he would have forgotten the Whisky thing but this time it stuck. Grandiose behavior is part of the condition. Common sense does not always prevail.

I have said that I thought it was inappropriate to send alcohol in this case. Just because my BH likes Whisky does not mean it has a high value to anyone else.
He is now blaming me for suggesting it, which I did not. I am reluctant to do it, so he is saying he will buy it himself and deliver it.

I am hoping his brain will jump tracks and he will forget. Then, if it comes up again in the future I will be able to pass it off. However, this was a man with a brilliant mind and it it so tragic that this is happening to him.

I’m so sorry, cissie.

So sorry, Cissie. Dementia takes a person you know and replaces them with somebody you don't know.

Maybe take donuts for the staff, but there are some employers who don't allow tips or gifts.

I worked in retail for around 20 years and the thing that meant the most was receiving a card or having the customer send an email or letter to the corporate office saying how helpful I was. One time a lady sent a compliment to corporate about me and it was shared with the ENTIRE company. Things like that can also possibly get the manager a raise or bonus. Telling your husband that a note to corporate could bring him more money/happiness than a bottle of whiskey might get him off the idea.