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Hello, I know there was a thread about family car or car here that talked about on how to go about it if the WS and his/her AP used it to do the deeds.

Any advice who had gone on a similar experience?

Did you keep the car or trade it in?

How did you guys talk about it with your WS in a calmly manner and without arguing?

Thanks in advance.

I don’t know if this helps but my husband did it in our house. We sold the house, and much of its contents. I am not sure I would have went to that latter expense, but we were downsizing to travel anyway. We took.the money from the furniture and used it to go on some adventures together.

Not everyone needs to get rid of these things, but if it’s going to serve as a reminder and you can financially do it, then trade it.

I also had an affair and I got rid of everything I could from that time frame that would be a reminder for either of us, including clothes. I had bought many new ones during the affair that were hot buttons.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:08 PM, Monday, February 26th]

His car was polluted if you will. It is a fancy sports car. It is relegated to the garage and he drives an old beat up car instead. We will sell or give it away at some point but right now I occasionally use it if one of our other cars is in the shop. I would like to set fire to it. Maybe I will some day.r

I’m not sure what you do if this is a genuine car you need as a family. I will admit that it really doesn’t bother me driving that car anymore. Got immune to it pretty quickly.

Thank you for the replies!
I couldnt imagine what I will do if my H did it at our house.

Its been 7 months for me and I thought I could do it and keep the car but no matter what I do, it reminds me of the A.
Ive told my H already to get rid of it but he said we have to be "practical" 😩🙄! But I think I am going to the path to get rid of it no matter what this time.

Nothing is less practical than an affair.

We are in the process of selling the car where WS and AP did the deed. It was his dream car. It was great for road trips. I spent a lot of time in it, but after dday, it was all I could think about in there. I told him this was a problem, and he pouted about it for a long time. Then one day (like 8 or 9 months post dday1), after he finally pulled out of the fog and developed true remorse, he came to me and said he wanted to sell it too.

As long as your WS is defending the decision to keep the car, he is demonstrating a lack of empathy for the pain it puts you in. He is continuing to be selfish - to de-prioritize your suffering. Actions have consequences, and sometimes that means taking a hit to the household budget, whether that is a new car or paying for a therapist or fancy dinners/vacations.

tl;dr, I vote that you replace the car. :)

I wanted to get rid of my wife's car. But being retired, it wasn't in the cards. It was a good reliable car too.
In the summer I would park it behind one of my trucks, so I didn't see it on the way to the barn. I never sat in the back or passenger side after he was in it. I has to look at it for 4 years. My wife hardly drove after her affair and was going to see her mother, the roads were slippery and she lost control of the car. It was totalled, fortunately my wife was safe. Anyway, the car was finally gone.

To the best of my knowledge, she was in our car one time.

I told him,on dday, when he had somewhere he needed to be(doctor appointment), that if he came home in that car, I would set it on fire. I never saw it again.

Tell him divorce is the most practical response to infidelity.

Lucky for me I was able to move shortly before dday2. Unfortunately The guest bed where it definitely happened is still in our house. I am practical in that since I just did a major career change and move, we don’t have a ton of extra money and the kids matter more. That being said, the bed is like the Tell-Tale heart that is constantly beating. I’ve put it on her to fix it, and for sure it has caused many problems. It’s horrible, and I try my best to not think about it.

Your WH needs to show you what’s best for you. I agree with HellFire, tell him D is the only practical solution to infidelity and abuse.

I’m from the "found out many years later" club so there are no cars, beds, clothes, houses or any such things left over from the affairs to get rid of. I am totally on board with getting rid of those things.

We have always had personalized plates on our cars and when we trade vehicles or change the plates, I hang the old ones up on the garage wall. I realized one day that the plates from my WW’s car she was driving during her last 2 affairs were hanging on the garage wall. She drove that car to multiple liaisons with the APs and performed OS on one AP in the car. Those plates had to come down. I didn’t mention it, I just started taking them down and replacing them with another set. My wife saw me and asked me why. I just said "these are from the W****mobile". She turned around and went back inside without another word.

I also ponder if we find inanimate objects that were "sullied by the affairs" so offensive that they must be cast aside no matter what, how do we accept the ones that "chose to sully themselves" to remain in our lives?

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:06 AM, Tuesday, February 27th]

I’mAC: that is so true. Weirdly i felt that way during hysterical bonding. Like I had to reclaim every part. He should be very very f%^&ing grateful. It wasn’t all sexual but like I can remember examining in between his toes, wrists, forearms. Like each piece of skin had to be decontaminated—and to my knowledge they didn’t even have sex. His hands still bother me. I can picture them on her, lets call it upper torso, and that horrifies me.

It has now gotten to the point that anything that sat in a cabinet adjacent to an item I consider sullied is suspect. I find this very odd—especially as part of the years later club. It is so long ago and things aren’t terrible from a relationship perspective but inanimate objects and PLACES are becoming more problematic. Or maybe its just a choice. I don’t want to be in contact with these things. The major city we live near where we do virtually everything has a tower, on a hill/low mountain. It is lit up at night. They went to this tower before it was physical. When he came clean 18 months ago it bugged me a little. Now it is like I can’t drive anywhere near that place. I put my hand up to block my line of sight. I may get EMDR just to wipe this stuff out of my brain.

Anyway, KiboGa Aru, I’m so sorry. It is sucky that he isn’t understanding. It does take time for the heads to be removed from the asses. It doesn’t mean its not infuriating, but its also not surprising. Do what is right for you. He doesn’t get to be the decider on these things.

Thank you all for the support!
I told him already what I wanted. He did not argue but did not say anything at the moment (so I'm hoping he understood)!

Stillconfused2022:
I get what you say and I feel you when you talked about the places/area they went to.
I am also having a hard time dealing all the places they went. I am also planning to do EMDR, hopefully it will work out well.

My fWH brought his AP to our home in his truck (me and our 10yr old son were on vacation); Not only did they do the deed in my home, on my sofa and in our marital bed. But I found out several months later that our home that we were living in at that time had been HER CHILDHOOD HOME!! Can you IMAGINE my horror?? She LIVED in that house growing up. I got rid of the furniture and bought all new furniture. I got rid of the mattresses on our king bed and then took a reciprocating saw to the wooden headboard and footboard. We traded in his truck. And THEN we sold the house and moved across the country. I made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that anything that troll touched had to go. I did not care if it was practical or not. All that shit had to go. I was triggered every day all day and I was not going to live like that anymore. The only thing that made sense to me was to get. rid. of. everything. Period.

Two vehicles were tainted. One was the drag car that he built using funds that he hid from me (financial infidelity) and the other was the truck he used to tow it.

They didn't have sex in either, but he would use errands related to the drag car to go see her on the weekends. He "needed to go to a junk yard 100 miles away to get a part." He was "going to the drag strip to test and tune." Stuff like that. That bought him plenty of time to be with her. He was really doing some of the errands, and she’d ride with him. You know, sitting in my seat.

He had HUGE guilt and traded the truck for a leased top-of-the-line Explorer for me about three months before DDay. I didn’t understand why at the time. I don’t recall initiating conversations about wanting a new car. And the payment was too high for me to afford after the divorce he was planning. i truly think it was his subconscious making it more difficult to leave. AP even said, "You’re never going to leave her, are you?" when she found out about it.

The drag car, though. That’s still a huge trigger. It was a very cool car and he’s still very proud of building it and painting it himself. Sometimes he posts Facebook memories of it and I hate it. He took her to the drag strip with him, but I don’t think she ever saw it run so at least there’s that. He sold it to a friend shortly after DDay and I rode with him. We stopped at the restaurant where the A had begun (didn’t know it at the time), and our song came on the jukebox. I cried and he held me and, I shit you not, "You Give Love a Bad Name" came on next. It wasn’t funny at the time, it was heartbreaking, but I find it hilarious now. He doesn’t. He hates it. Can’t listen to it.

The friend still owns the drag car and asked if he wanted to buy it back. I said ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Anyway. I’m sorry for rambling. He can suck it up and trade the car in if he wants to stay married to you.

But I found out several months later that our home that we were living in at that time had been HER CHILDHOOD HOME!! Can you IMAGINE my horror??

Holy shit, Blackbird!! You win!! That’s crazy!

I can remember examining in between his toes, wrists, forearms. Like each piece of skin had to be decontaminated .

I did that too. I looked up how long it takes skin cells to regenerate until a person has all new skin.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:11 AM, Tuesday, February 27th]

Holy shit, Blackbird!! You win!! That’s crazy!

Sacred,
Right??? It was definitely a true WTF moment. I felt like a caged animal every day I had to be in that house. I am triggered by places & landmarks BIG TIME. And even now, going to that town I feel anxious. We have one family member left living in that town that we visit from time to time. They live very, very close to our old house. When we visit, we make it short and sweet and get the heck out. I feel like I must’ve pissed off the universe something awful because we keep getting pulled back to that stupid town. I CANNOT WAIT for the day that I no longer have to visit - way too many bad memories there.

Sorry OP, didn’t mean to t/j
As for your family car - I can definitely relate. I REFUSED to ride in my husband’s truck after the truth came out. That dirty whore was in my house, had sex in MY bed, on my couch, sat in the passenger seat in one of our vehicles. ALL of it was tainted. For me to heal ALL of those things had to go. Including the house. Which truth be known I hated that stupid house anyway. It was gifted to us after H retired from the military. It wasn’t even a house I would have picked to live in. But since it was free to me I had no emotional attachment to it. Sold it, took the money and moved across the country. Done deal. I cannot heal if I’m constantly around the very triggers that cause pain. Thank God my H understood that. Good luck to you on your healing journey. 🍀

KiboGaAru

I get triggers…
It’s been quite a few years… even decades… since I walked in on my fiancé and OM having sex in my apartment, my bedroom and my bed. I was pretty decisive, and for years I thought I had recovered at about the 2-3 year mark after d-day. Of course, it might have helped that I ended the engagement and at about the three year mark met my present wife.
Only… I had PTSD that I finally addressed through therapy about 17 years after d-day. I thought it was connected to things I had experienced as a cop – stabbings, deaths and mayhem – but turned out the biggest source was the infidelity. Once diagnosed it was relatively easy to heal.

Or so I thought…

Every time I would visit my old home-town I realized I avoided the road going past my old apartment. The building had a rather unique color, and every time I passed, I would trigger.
Not severely, but I felt discomfort.
Then some years ago they changed colors. Now I realize I can go past that building with no reaction.

No – not going to suggest your husband has the vehicle coated with a new color…
That’s not realistic. Not any more than razing the building to remove my trigger.

But I am going to support you 100% in going to your husband and saying:
"Honey. I decided to remain with you after you decided to cheat on me, our marriage and our family. I appreciate what you have done and I don’t regret my decision. But… that car is a constant reminder of my pain and shame. Every time I see it, sit in it or drive it I am reminded that for some time I was not your queen. Your inaction in getting rid of it and your feeble excuses about practicality ramify to me where I stand in your priorities, and make me worry that it’s only a question of time before you step out again. After all – I am definitely not a priority.
Now – you can keep the car and thereby confirm my darkest thoughts and keep me triggered. Or you can get rid of it. If it’s a question of practicality then we can work out being on one vehicle, or you can find a car comparable to what we get out of this one. Whatever suffering that might cause will pale beside what suffering I am experiencing, and whatever money is lost will pale compared to the cost of therapy and possibly divorce".

Listen, your WH can be practical in this situation. How? Several ways:

1) he gets to keep working at R with you and his entryway for that gift is getting rid of all signs of the A. Very practical and cheaper for him than a D.

2) if you have two cars, it's very practical for him to drive the cheapest of the two and for you to drive the nicer car. If that happens to be the replacement for the one he soiled, so be it. If need be, he can sell his daily and the soiled car and get you a nice replacement while he buys a cheaper car for himself and uses the extra to go toward your car. Or if the replacement is for his daily car and not yours, then it can be a very inexpensive used car he gets. See? Very practical... he'll be quite happy.

Any advice who had gone on a similar experience?

Did you keep the car or trade it in?

How did you guys talk about it with your WS in a calmly manner and without arguing?

Similar experience = yes. AP and WH did the deed (and who knows what else) in both our cars, and our house, our bed, our couch - you get the picture. Had I wanted to rid myself of everything they touched we would have had to sell/give away just about everything we owned - towels? Check. Dishes? Check. Dogs? Check. It just wasn't feasible, and in all honestly I decided one - these are THINGS (aside from the dogs). I do not need to attach that behavior to everything they touched and it makes no sense to me. Moreover, I did not want to give those feelings (or my WH/AP's little love fest) that kind of power.

In hindsight, to me, it makes zero sense. I mean it's completely irrational to want to get rid of my dogs (or think of them as traitors for being nice to AP when she was at our house) but for a short time, I felt that way. Those feelings are long gone for me and I'm glad I did not make a whole host of costly decisions just to rid myself of the memories (real or imagined) that I attached to all these things they had been in contact with (or presumably were).

EDIT: Aside from at one point yelling at WH and telling him I was tempted to burn the whole house down to "rid myself of their stench" I didn't talk to him about selling stuff as I decided that was just not where I wanted to go for the reasons I stated above.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:10 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]

I read an email that talked about the OW being in his car.

It was sold a week later.

He just knew I would never sit in the car again.

He’s lucky I didn’t take a hammer to it 😡😡