SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never treat her, or anyone callously. I’m just struggling to get a grip here. If I can do something this mean over a harmless text, what’s next?

First, don't worry about making a mistake, especially a small one like this.

Second, you may have put her on guard that you know or suspect what she's been up to which means she won't be as blindsided as you hoped she'd be when you confront her. She may have started to cover her tracks and begin deleting texts/emails/evidence in preparation for tonight. She may come home only after picking up a family member or friend to be there for her for support or to help in denying or at least minimizing her affair.

If you don't think you can control yourself and be calm and collected when she comes home... have you thought about printing out a copy of her texts that you have downloaded and leaving the copy where she'd immediately see it when she walked through the door. Meanwhile you are at a friend's house or hotel... turn your location off on your phone so she can't find you. Don't answer when she calls... let her text you (repeatedly... oh she'll blow up your phone for sure!) At least then you can gauge what her mindset is... is she begging for forgiveness? Repeatedly apologizing? Or is she more of "well, I guess you found out" or "at least you know now... I was going to ask for a divorce anyways" ?? Based on her last text to you, I think she's going to be begging for forgiveness.

You will eventually have the face to face so don't worry about that... you may want some more intel on her mindset beforehand though. So I would do a limited ghosting of her for at least tonight.

I suggest looking up SpaceGhost007 story here.... it's older about 10 years ago but he did a great job of finding out about his wife's affair, getting his ducks in a row, had his attorney serve his WW with papers at work (it was an affair with her boss) while he was on a plane to Florida to play golf for a week. He landed turned on his phone and was able to read dozens of texts and listen to voicemail phone calls from his wife. He definitely found out his wife wanted to save their marriage but for him her affair was a deal-breaker.

I'd provide the link to his story but linking is frowned upon around here.... just google: SpaceGhost007 survivinginfidelity.com

[This message edited by NukeZombie at 8:50 PM, Friday, March 1st]

One last bit of advice: Do not reveal how you discovered her affair. Simply provide the name of her affair partner, the length of time it has been going on, where they met, how it started, and how often they hooked up. You OWE HER NOTHING, including how you discovered her cheating.

Don't beat yourself up. You are emotional and it's very difficult to think on your toes.

When you confront her later, inform her you know she is having an affair with X. Stay calm and let her do all the talking. Don't inject your thoughts, but ask direct questions.

More than likely she will gaslight or deny. Again, don't reveal your source.

Good luck! Every member in this JFO forum has walked in your shoes so we understand the emotional turmoil you are in.

Neither, I’m going to the gym and then I’ll just pick up a smoothie for dinner... I never treat her, or anyone callously.

Considering she's banging another guy, your heart is broken, your life has been obliterated, you showed great restraint.

If you have never spoken to her in such a manner, I suspect she likely just realized you know.

To reiterate what others have said, stay calm when this all comes to head. Be composed and emotionally disciplined.

Do not let her see you sweat (so to speak).

[This message edited by Apollos at 1:56 AM, Saturday, March 2nd]

Hey JustCrushed, mate, your response to her is just your anger and rightful incredulousness simmering to the surface. With some reflection, you realise that the casual way they are happy to betray you just makes you rage.

Embrace that anger and let it give you resolve. She's not only played Russian Roulette with your life and emotions, but your health as well.

Good for you for getting to the gym, the gym was my absolute lifeline. Plus, putting on muscle and getting even fitter will pay future dividends!

There is no textbook approach to the impending confrontation. Don't plead, just state fact and consequences and you won't go wrong. Be prepared to be taken by surprise from your emotions, I literally vomited after confrontation, it is a trauma.

Grey rock her and spend some time on yourself while you process it.

Thinking of you mate, we all know what you're going through.

JustCrushed,

I’m not sure why this pissed me off, but I just texted back without thinking …. Neither, I’m going to the gym and then I’ll just pick up a smoothie for dinner. I’ve never responded to her like that in my life. I never treat her, or anyone callously. I’m just struggling to get a grip here. If I can do something this mean over a harmless text, what’s next?

The only "wrong" thing you did here is to potentially tip your WW off that you are on to her deceit. You should not feel bad about being callous. It's like she stabs you in the back and you're feeling bad about not saying "excuse me" as you're collapsing.

Just had my first test and failed. I received a text this morning from my WW. She said she was catching an earlier flight and would be home late afternoon. She asked if I’d like to go to dinner or just stay in and snuggle on the sofa with a couple of heart emojis. I’m not sure why this pissed me off, but I just texted back without thinking …. Neither, I’m going to the gym and then I’ll just pick up a smoothie for dinner. I’ve never responded to her like that in my life. I never treat her, or anyone callously. I’m just struggling to get a grip here. If I can do something this mean over a harmless text, what’s next?

You have not failed anything. By comparison with what your WW has been doing, you really don't look like a bad guy. However, we all need to be aware of anger can do to us, not because we are under any obligation to be 'perfect', but for our own mental health. I have to be honest with you, the answer you gave was considerably nicer than many people would have given, taking into account what you know about the affair. So don't be harsh on yourself. You could have sent back a screengrab of the "I can't wait to..." message, and said, "No, what I want is for you to explain what this is about".

In whatever self-examination you are doing, you need to bear in mind that you are the injured party, not the perpetrator. You did not create this situation. Two other people did. Right now, you are not the one whose conduct has to be justified to anyone. Particularly not to your WW. The fact that you do question yourself speaks volumes for your standards, but you are not the person with questions to answer.

I’m not sure why this pissed me off

Give yourself a break here. We all know why it pissed you off. Everyone here who has read your story will feel just as pissed off about your WW feigning affection after what she has done.

[This message edited by M1965 at 1:40 AM, Saturday, March 2nd]

I’ve never responded to her like that in my life. I never treat her, or anyone callously. I’m just struggling to get a grip here. If I can do something this mean over a harmless text, what’s next?

Heres a hard truth. Just as she is not who you thought she was, you are no longer the man that you were, at least in regard to her. Your world has shifted on its axis and it is extremely disorienting. This is one of the reasons that the 180 and "grey rocking" her is so important as measures of self protection/preservation. The drastic and violent U-turn of going from the most loved and trusted individual in your life to a traitor and the single greatest threat to your mental-emotional health is dizzying and for some, nauseating (it was for me...nauseous for days).

A word on passive-aggressive behavior to lash out. Its completely understandable but many times very draining and self defeating. Youd be better served by either ignoring her completely or being very direct/blunt imo.

Take extra care of yourself. I wish you clarity in the days ahead.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:13 AM, Saturday, March 2nd]

How did it go?

By the way, that text you sent after what you have discovered she's done is, imo, a very stable, very controlled response. In fact it's incredibly controlled and you should be proud of yourself. It actually represented a start in doing the 180, which is detailed here at SI extensively. So don't beat yourself up about it, instead be proud of your level of control.

Thinking about you this morning and sending prayers and positive vibes.

My D-Day was 18 years ago and I pretty much remember the entire day like it was yesterday.

Currently you are probably in shock, be kind to yourself and lean on TRUSTED family and friends. Get out of your environment even just for a short respite from the turmoil and try to get some sunshine and exercise if possible.

@trdd That's a really insightful point about that text being the start of the 180.

JustCrushed, I hope you are doing as well as you can be. We've all been where you are, but it will and does get better. I promise you.

Wishing you strength.

Strength to you my brother. I know that you are in hell right now - take care of you. Hold to your values and don’t be surprised or feel guilty for the mix of emotions. Just notice them and let them be. If you feel you are losing control, just leave the situation. Go to friends, family, a park, hotel… whatever. Reach out here… there will be someone ready to respond with care and compassion.

Well, I confronted her when I got home. When I walked in and saw her, I felt absolutely nothing – it was a really eerie coldness. She tried to give me a hug and I just put my hand up and said DO NOT TOUCH ME. I could instantly tell she was really hurt. She wanted to know what was wrong. I just said aside from you fucking another man for months, what could possibly be wrong?

There was this deer in the headlight’s moment. My WW is a really smart women and like me, a problem solver. I could just see the wheels turning. How much does he know, can I smooth this over, how can I minimize the damage and on and on. We just stood there and stared at each other. It seemed like forever, but it probably wasn’t that long. Then, there was this look of total surrender when she realized that there was no way out. She then just crimpled on the floor sobbing and saying over and over again how sorry she was. My first reaction was to want to kneel down, hold her and comfort her. It was really hard, bit instead, I said I’m going up and take a shower. When your done with the theatrics, we’ll talk.

When I came back down she was sitting in the family room looking totally defeated. The first two thing she said we’re what I’ve read on here over and over. The first was I’m so, so sorry. I just looked at her and said the only thing you’re sorry about is that you got caught. How sorry were you last week when you went to his place and fucked him all evening? Next came the I made the biggest mistake of my life. I just looked at her and said no, a mistake is picking up the wrong milk at the store. You made a choice – dozens of them. You choose to flirt with him, you choose to dance with him, you choose to kiss him, you choose to suck his cock and you choose to fuck him. Then, you made those same choices over and over again. (Thanks you SI for how to handle these two statements).

I could see that this really struck a nerve with her. This was so out of character for me that she was just stunned. I then told her that I knew everything, I was going to ask her a lot of questions and if she lied, the marriage was over. PERIOD. I made it plain that it probably was over anyway, but lying would seal the deal. To her credit, she answered every question and even added some details that I didn’t know. The one question she stumbled on was when I asked if they had used condoms. She turned absolutely white and just sat there. I finally said it’s simple god damn question. Did you? She started sobbing uncontrollably and of course the answer was no. After a couple of hours, we were both exhausted. I told her she had to move into the guest room and that I wanted absolutely no physical contact with her going forward. The last thing I said to her was give me your phone. She handed it right over. I wasn’t interested in reading anymore texts. On Saturday I didn’t think to get her location data, but realized too late that was going to need that. Later, when I was in bed, I heard her sobbing in the next room. I felt nothing. I just kept thinking over and over again, how in the fuck did I get here? I’m not sure how today is going to go. From reading here, I know there are a lot demands I should make, but in all honesty, If I think I’m going to D, what’s the point of setting up all those hoops for her to jump through? I would appreciate your thoughts on this. I’ve got a lot to think about. Thanks for listening.

I have no advice but just want to validate your numbness and let you know that it sounds like you handled this very well. It sucks and is literally the "pat on the back" no one wants, but you are a man… and it shows. Tons of respect for you.

Well, you handled the confrontation well, minimizing the gaslighting. She apparently didn’t attempt to blame you in any way. Good. She apparently owned up to her infidelity, but referred to it as a mistake. You called her out on it, and that was excellent. Her actions were purely selfish without consideration for you or her M. This is so typical of infidelity in otherwise good M’s. Just selfish behavior. Now, she feels guilt and is ashamed. A day late and a dollar short. You did well cutting off any manipulative tears and theatrics.

I would give things a breather and let your emotions settle. Think about what YOU want moving forward. If her A is a dealbreaker, and if you don’t want to have her do the things necessary to start and try to recover, and also to resolve her own demons and figure out how she could betray you, then by all means start the D process and have her served. The D process takes a while, and if you should ever change your mind you can always stop it.

The confrontation is very stressful and you handled it well. Do consider getting into IC for yourself, with someone trained in handling betrayal trauma.

Good luck.

If you're inclined to D you don't need much else from her. You just need to clearly state your boundaries and not allow her to break them or let her further manipulate you with her Bull-S.

Plans for separation (living arrangements) ASAP and proceed with divorce.

No need for a time-line, nor a no contact letter, further confessions or details (this is just pain shopping if you are leaving anyway) or marriage counseling.

What you do need are supportive friends (not necessarily mutual friends) that support your decision, a doc for std testing, perhaps a grief counselor to help you process this trauma, follow your lawyer's instructions and take care of yourself like never before...gym, outside, meditate, no drugs or alcohol etc...

One thing I will add. When my wife was dead to the rights and ready to be fully honest, questions would often be met with long pauses of silence. Every long pause was after me asking her a question that she’d have to work up the courage to answer honestly. Those are some of my hardest memories - those long pauses… worked through many of those in EMDR.

In defense of the unfaithful, your wife may have given zero thought to what this day would be like. She is obviously not be as shell shocked as you by the affair (duh), but it is probable she didn’t really consider what this day would be like. It is her first taste of her world outside the fog of the affair. She may slip back into its comforts soon but the shame train is rolling over her. She hasn’t ever met the side of you she was faced with either. This creates a very unpredictable situation, so be careful. Also be aware that large gestures to repair might be made… the genuineness of them will be revealed in time.

Great job OP. Very proud of you. You’re handling this better than 95% of others who’ve been equally blindsided. Some suggestions:

1. Demand she inform both her and your families. This is NOT "punishment". They need to hold her accountable, and you need support. This also protects you from her changing the narrative that you were abusive, controlling, etc. You think she wouldn’t do that you say? Did you think she’d fuck another dude raw for 5 months?

2. Ask her to move out. No, legally you cannot likely force her, unless her name’s not on the deed/lease. But asking her is certainly legal and very helpful to your healing.

3. Demand a full written timeline of EVERYTHING. Giver her 48 hours max to complete. Tell her again you know WAY more than she thinks and a single lie or omission will tank the microscopic chance she has for you to choose to give her the gift of an R attempt.

4. Visit the 3 best divorce attorneys in the area for consults. Get the lay of the land what D would look like. Pray you’re in one of the handful of at-fault D states. Others may disagree with me here but I’m convinced the best path forward, whether you eventually R or D, is to initiate D. You could choose to tell her she has until the D is final to convince you to stay, or not tell her and simply watch what she does. Filing for D sends a message you’re not playing around here like nothing else. She will respect the strength you show in this.

5. Ask the D attorney about post-nuptial agreements in your state. If I were you, I would seek this out to improve your D terms while you can. Many betraying spouses act all contrite at first, but once they see their victims are dead set on D, they go full metal jacket and go to war.

Keep posting!!!

I would give things a breather and let your emotions settle. Think about what YOU want moving forward. If her A is a dealbreaker, and if you don’t want to have her do the things necessary to start and try to recover, and also to resolve her own demons and figure out how she could betray you, then by all means start the D process and have her served. The D process takes a while, and if you should ever change your mind you can always stop it.

The confrontation is very stressful and you handled it well. Do consider getting into IC for yourself, with someone trained in handling betrayal trauma.

____
This.... 100% this.

I'm sure you've read about the 180 and gray rock. Time to implement it...hard. Don't let her get you into discussions about the affair or ya'lls past, either good times or bad times-- so she can blame shift and try to excuse her affair. She's going to try to rope you into discussions either to give her a second chance, to see if there's a glimmer of hope for her or to get you to promise to keep her actions hidden from her daughters, other family or friends...or maybe just to get an emotional reaction from you so she knows somewhere you still have feelings for her. Don't give her that opportunity or at least limit them as best you can. It's hard.

I apologize if you posted it and I simply missed it... but is the AP married or have a serious girlfriend? Again sorry if I missed it about to review your posts again.

You handled the confrontation like a champ. After my D-Day, I didn't bother asking or demanding anything from my ex-wife. I was clear on what I wanted to do. Whatever she did or agreed to do in the future was simply irrelevant at that point and would only cause me more angst. The problem with making demands on your WW is that there becomes an expectancy you will not move for divorce. You could find yourself sucked into staying if she now becomes the model wife.

That happened to me after my wife's first affair. We went for counseling. She promised a crap load of things. She quit her job, sat for a polygraph, and pledged never to cheat again. I was weak and with the "help" of a terrible therapist I found myself committed to staying with her. I was miserable. Thankfully, she cheated again. I was then able to leave with a clear conscience. I had constructed my own prison in staying after her first affair. Whatever you do, don't do what I did. If you decide to explore R but it just isn't working for you for whatever reason, leave. You owe her NOTHING.

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:51 PM, Saturday, March 2nd]