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Polygraph is next week. I can tell that my WH is petrified. He spilled details once he knew I was serious. I asked him to write a detailed timeline of the A, and have based my questions partly on what he told me.

I deeply hope that he passes, but what happens if he fails?

You can not R with a man who refuses to be honest.

In order to R successfully, the bare minimum needed is complete honesty, transparency, NC, and remorse.

You can stay with him. But then he knows he can lie and cheat, and you won't go anywhere. That's a very dangerous thing to teach a cheater.

There’s a saying that it’s not the affair itself that will end the marriage, but all the lies. As long as he continues to lie, R will be difficult.

If he passes, great. But be aware polygraphs are not foolproof. There are even ways to beat it. At some point, if you want R, you will have to go in knowing you won’t know everything.

And if he doesn’t pass, that would pretty much tell you a lot, wouldn’t it?

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Good luck

We can't tell you what you should do if he fails. All I can tell you is that, whatever you decide to do, you must follow through. For example, don't threaten to file for divorce unless you're 99% prepared to do it.

My guess is that he will say that he failed the polygraph because he was so nervous and scared.

So if I were in your situation, I would try this tactic: Tell him that if he answers every question truthfully, even if it's something he lied about or omitted previously from his timeline or earlier discussions, you will still consider reconciliation. That should be enough to calm him down.

If he still fails, even after you've reassured him that telling the truth won't immediately result in divorce, then you know he cares more about covering his ass and protecting his secrets than he does about saving the marriage.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:40 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

It's ok to slow down the process and schedule the polygraph later. It might help you get clarity on polygraphs in general and specifically what you hope to accomplish. I went through the polygraph process twice and will give my experience and viewpoint below. My concern for you is that you are newly in the discovery process. You and your children need some emergency trauma aid and a chance to get stable.

You are receiving new information from your WH as recently as a day or so ago. Why not give him time to do a very detailed timeline that answers all your questions? It was a 2 yr affair. Did he write out every time they met, where, what they did, what they talked about, etc.? Of course, he probably can't recall from memory, but he can use other memory aids like calendars, benchmark dates, and his financial records and the hotel app. If you don't want all the details, I would have him write a summarized timeline and a detailed timeline. You can have a trusted friend or family member look at the details to see if your WH is actually trying to your satisfaction with details.

I also think there are other important things that you can do. 1) Both get STD tests. 2) Make sure you are on every account from the water bill to every retirement and investment account in a way that makes you primary or doesn't allow changes without your permission. 3) Talk to attorneys about what a divorce entails. Draw up a settlement plan for assets and child support/care plan. Have your WH do that separately and see if you think his plan is fair or generous to you. 4) If you don't have one, set up a separate financial account to use in the event of separation or for a private investigator in the future. Your WH used marital funds for hotels. Did he give gifts or use other money for travel? Make him add all that up, acknowledge it in writing, and/or give you that money for your personal account.

It was a short affair, and my WH told me all the important parts right away. I had an early polygraph and one 16-24 months later. I didn't know much about polygraphs. I was told 3 questions only, very specifically yes/no by both examiners. A question like "Is your timeline complete and accurate?" wouldn't be acceptable. Its too general. I did have some type of other physical sexual contact question during the marriage. It was carefully worded. People here have mentioned questions like "Were you in love with AP?" and "Did you ever consider leaving me?" It's my understanding that those feeling-type questions aren't appropriate for a polygraph.  

The first polygraph was inconclusive. I didn't know what to do with that. My WH said the examiner didn't believe "his story" and kept asking reframing questions. I got the same impression from the examiner. The process didn't seem scientific or impartial at all. I wasn't willing to use that result to leave my marriage. I don't think polygraphs are useful unless you intend to take action based on the result. I had details filled in between the two polygraphs. My WH told me things I would have no way of knowing otherwise. They weren't anything that related to polygraph questions though. I did have the opportunity to ask about additional contact. With the second polygraph, I was ready to leave if my WH didn't pass. They halted the polygraph in the middle, and my WH came out to the waiting room and said he thought he would fail because he felt the exact same physical sensations as with the first. They continued the test. The examiner said he would review the results with his partner and let us know. My WH and I both assumed he failed. It was a long drive home. My husband said he would move out and started packing. The examiner called and said he passed just fine. The whole process wasn't a great experience for me.

I doubt many posters here have the experience I have regarding polygraphs. Albeit – my experience is from 30 years ago, when I was in law enforcement. I gained a level of respect for that technology then, and know it has only improved since.
Yes, they aren’t generally admissible in Criminal Court (some allow if both parties agree to it – seeing as how the defense can always argue their unreliability, and the prosecution can’t use the same argument if the defendant passes, they never are…). They are allowed in some Civil Courts, but again only with both parties’ acceptance, again the same reason they seldom are as in criminal courts).
Law enforcement would never present a case on the result of a poly, knowing it would be thrown out. But if allowed a poly could support a case. It’s main use was to help focus and prioritize an investigation. Like… If I was in a team investigating a rape and there were 5 suspects that stood out, all claiming innocence, I would ask them to take a poly. The focus of the team might then be on those that refused. Passing a poly didn’t automatically eliminate someone as a suspect, but very often lowered them down the "he-did-it" list.

Can you cheat on a poly? Well… yes… There are people that can repeatedly pass a polygraph test. Of course there are the sociopaths that don’t discern between right and wrong and therefore don’t show physical reaction to lying. But there are also people that learn how to cheat simply for the fun of it – or out of necessity. Keep in mind that in most test on reliability a random group of volunteers is selected and asked questions. The answers really have no consequences other than maybe shame. Like asking a college student if he has done drugs (as part of a survey) and requiring he lies… Its not as if he will get kicked out of school, his parents sent a note or whatever.
Now – replace that with a man who knows his marriage depends on passing the test… Put that completely different level of stress on him.

He can google all the tricks – place a tic in your shoe and press on it before answering, take a sedative, hum a tune, hold your breath… whatever… Only… the only person in that room that knows ALL the tricks is the operator.

Perhaps the biggest misconception about poly’s is thinking they are truth-tests. They aren’t… They don’t reveal the truth… What they can strongly indicate (so strongly that I would believe them…) is if the person being answered is being HONEST.
Although honesty and truth tend to go hand-in-hand this does not always apply.
Like if the person questioned truly believed the world was flat he would pass when replying with a no when asked if Earth was a sphere. He would be giving the wrong answer, but passing a lie-detector.
The wording of the questions is key. Like if there was financial and other evidence strongly supporting that he had visited five sex-workers he could pass with a "no" if asked "have you visited five sex-workers" because he truthfully met one of them twice. Or maybe because he met seven.

With that in mind you want an operator that is capable. The operator is IMHO even more important than whatever tools he uses. That operator will then define a few (you usually get 3-5) questions that are based on a yes or no factual answers. It won’t be "did you love her" because love is an emotion and relative, but rather "since xx.xx.xx [like the date of your marriage] have you had sex (as we defined sex before proceeding with this test] with any other person than your wife?"

Chances are one issue will be asked in two different questions, chances are there are several questions to establish a baseline.

Now… Since the test won’t give you the truth you need to appreciate what it will give you: Is your husband being honest.

To me this is even more important than the truth. With honesty the truth will eventually come out. If he isn’t honest that is telling you a lot more… It tells you that he is hiding something, that he’s still trying to get away with something and most of all – that he doesn’t TRUST you with the truth.

He doesn’t TRUST you with the truth…

THIS is the key factor if he fails. Not that he’s lysing, but that he doesn’t trust you with the truth.

I think poly’s can do so much good, but they need to have a purpose. That purpose is IMHO to establish where you are in reconciliation. If he passes then all that does is tell you that he’s been honest up to that point. What he has shared is therefore believable, and we have a higher expectation that he will be telling the truth as time goes on. He needs some credit for that.
If however he fails, it’s showing that he doesn’t trust you with the truth and/or that he doesn’t realize the seriousness of what he did. That in turn means that anything and everything he has already shared is tainted, and that anything he does share going on needs to be taken with extreme caution. That basically makes reconciling – an already hard task – near impossible.

Get that message across. That he NOW has the opportunity to be truthful and honest, and that honesty will pay dividends despite whatever pain the truth causes. At the very least, honesty opens up reconciliation.
But… ALSO make him realize that a failure will make it clear to you that he doesn’t trust you, and that in turn will make you think reconciling won’t happen, and will point you more towards divorce as your safe path out of infidelity.

And finally: Way too many times I have seen people drag their spouse to a poly and then doubt the result. Equally if they pass or fail.
Do not spend the time or money on a poly if you aren’t going to take note of the result. Make it clear both to yourself and especially to him what the consequences of a pass or fail would be.
IMHO this is a one-time chance for both of you to determine if he’s capable of reconciling or not.

Thank you - this is very helpful.

It's pathetic that I need to rely on the results of a polygraph to help me make a decision about next steps. This is not what one thinks she will need to do on the verge of the 23rd year of marriage with this person with whom I'm had 4 children who deserve better behavior from their father.

If he fails, he moves out. And I move on.

I wish you better luck than I had. I personally didn't hold much faith in polys but believed in the heralded parking lot confession I had read about on SI. I didn't get that confession and my WH passed the poly with flying colors. FWIW, I still thought he was lying because the email evidence screamed there was cheating. I tried to stick out the marriage but couldn't and 4 months ago I told him we were done. He finally comes clean and admits to a 2+ year physical affair. He beat the test (basically he says) because he believed his own lies.

Elara,

My experience from being here several years is that there are three basic types of support given to BS here. 1) A general empathy and commiseration of the situation based on similar experience as a BS/WS. 2) An accounting of how you reacted to a situation and how that worked or didn't work out for you. 3) An account of how you wished as a BS or WS you had handled a situation. I often find it hard to tell which of these recommendations given here is based on actual experience or a wished experience. Also, I'm of the belief that I can't know what would have happened with any road that I didn't take and it's hard for me to put too much emphasis that.

This is why I gave my experience of polygraphs. In terms of wish, well I wish I had looked into the whole polygraph concept more. I wish I had talked more to people who had gone through the experience or had other professional experience like Bigger. I wish I knew what I would do with an inconclusive polygraph or even what that meant. After reading Bigger's post, I wish I had spent more time interviewing the first polygraph examiner. I did spend more time with the second. I wish I had prepared financially and for a place to go for separation immediately after the polygraph. ( I did the second time but not the first.)

In general, I believe that several other factors that sissoon and others have discussed here are better indicators of truth. It's an opinion.

I support you and this decision, and I definitely understand the desire for it. I did trust polygraphs enough to do them. I was also in a long marriage and understand the heartbreak and disappointment of feeling one was needed. That just feels terrible.

At the risk of taking a thread jerk by making this about the accuracy of polygraphs, I will say the following.
Bigger, I value your input. It does make me hesitate that you feel this test is mostly accurate based on the person conducting it. I have a close relationship with a person in law enforcement, and I do believe they have a knowledge or intuition that I lack when it comes to a person lying but only in the situations they encounter regularly. I'm not sure I believe that translates into other situations.

Perhaps it's odd, but I would not agree to a polygraph involving a crime I didn't commit and would suggest to my adult children that they not take one. It's related to not incriminating myself and abdicating a basic right to presumption of innocence. Maybbe that would change if an attorney suggested it or if a situation like the McCann baby? I don't know. Ironically, I did have a ring stolen from my home off the kitchen sink when 5 people were there - my nanny, two housekeeping staff, a person working on our house that we knew well, and his helper. the police asked them all to take the polygraph and the helper would not. I'm pretty sure based on several factors that he took the ring. We never did recover it. So, I guess, I can't deny your thesis on that fact.