SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (32F) have been married to my husband (31M) for nearly 6 years, together for 8. We have two young children age 4 and 2. I found out 6 weeks ago that he cheated on me when my eldest was a baby. He has kept it a secret for nearly 4 years and I only found out because I came across some old messages on his laptop.

It has come to light that unbeknownst to me he is actually bisexual. He had never had a sexual experience with a man and so decided this was the time to pursue it. He created an account on a hookup site and arranged to meet two separate men for a sexual experience. He lied to me about why he was late coming home. He had been messaging men online for months prior to this.

I am absolutely devastated and I’m not sure I will ever be able to see past this. He says he loves me but how can he love me and have such little respect for me and our marriage vows? I honestly don’t know what to do.

Hi, welcome to SI.

It's late and I'm off to bed but wanted you to know you you've been heard.

You are not the first member here whose spouse cheated with the same sex. There's a very old thread in the I Can Relate forum, I think it's called affairs with same sex partner. There aren't any current posts there, but I suggest you take a moment to read some of the posts from the members whose partners cheated with the same sex.

I'd ask him to take a polygraph to find out of those two were his only encounters because understand cheaters lie.

I also suggest you get yourself into therapy and he should as well.

You don't need to do anything right now, let it all sink in, meet with a therapist and take your time to figure out what's best for YOU.

Hi FamilyLover,

I am sorry you had to find us. Take a deep breath- you can take some time to make any decisions.
But tomorrow get an appointment with your doctor for a STI/STD full panel screening. Don’t be embarrassed- doctors have seen and heard it all. It is critical that you get tested. And don’t have sex with him unprotected until he also gets tested AND SHOWS YOU THE RESULTS.

You will learn that cheaters are lying liars that lie. A very very common thing they do is minimize their cheating— it was only a kiss, it was only 2-3 times, etc. Be prepared to learn there is more.

See a lawyer too. Not to file for divorce (D) necessarily, but to understand what D would look like. Often we are paralyzed with fear of the unknown. Knowledge is power, so learn what D would be like to help subdue those fears.

Get some support. We are here, but an individual counselor (IC) will be very helpful in determining what you want and how to cope. This stuff is HARD. Is there anyone IRL you can talk to ? Bestie, pastor, sibling or parent? Someone who will support you whether you Reconcile (R) or D.

And take care of yourself. Eat healthy, get some exercise every day (even just walking), drink lots of water, avoid alcohol or drugs, and get sleep. If you are having trouble eating, try some protein shakes. If you can’t sleep, talk to your doctor. This is a TRAUMA to your system and it does a number on us physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

Read in the healing library and all the posts with bullseyes in the Just Found Out forum. Great stuff in those.

And know that none of this is your fault. There is nothing you did or didn’t do that caused him to violate your vows. This is 100% on him.

Do you have a job or career? Do you have family nearby? Tell us a little more so we can support you more specifically.

You will get through this. It may be overwhelming right now, but you will get to the other side. Sending support -

Welcome to SI and so very sorry for the reason you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are great reads for people new to the site. Also, there are some great threads that have a bullseye icon. The Healing Library has tons of resources and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (Individual Counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. There is also an emotional roller coaster that we reference, so a lot of what you're feeling is normal for this abnormal situation.

Honestly, when he made his vows, he probably vowed to be monogamous. Doesn't matter if he met up with a male or female, it's still cheating. Think of all the decisions he made while choosing to cheat when he could have stopped and chosen faithfulness, but he didn't.

Both of you will need to be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases lurking out there. If you have problems with depression or sleeping, please see your doctor for some meds.

how can he love me and have such little respect for me and our marriage vows?

He's selfish and loves himself more. Cheaters lie, so you may want to do some more digging to see if there's anything more recent.

There is a very well respected poster named Sissoon, who has reconciled with his former wayward wife who used to post in the past. She had a same sex affair partner but it was more about a platonic relationship turning into something else.

My wife’s AP was a women. She is bi but we had been together for 20 years so she had barely explored being with a women. Still, she had more sexual experience than me as I had only been with one women before my wife, in a previous relationship, and was faithful to both. We reconciled.

I think the starting point is that it’s the same. There are some nuances, but the character issues that allow you to cheat are the same. The work to become a safe partner is the same or similar.

I wasn’t able to contemplate thumping the AP but I probably wouldn’t have anyway. I felt a bit less I was being replaced but in truth that is what was happening for a few months.

I have my wife another chance, to both be faithful, and she seems glad of it now. That’s the only type of relationship I’m interested in pursuing with her.

[This message edited by straightup at 4:03 AM, Tuesday, March 5th]

Cheating is cheating. Exploring his interest in same sex sex is still cheating…and lying. Poor him, he can’t be his authentic self🙄 He lied to you by omission and then lied to you by commission. If you do not want to have an open marriage, which he has been in secret, you don’t have much of a choice.
People seem to forget AIDS is till out there. People have to take medicine for the rest of their lives. A horrible strain of gonorrhea is out there. Straight or gay should still be aware of these diseases. You need a trip to the dr for tests. Then you need some answers.

I am absolutely devastated....

That's normal at this point. You're probably in shock. That will pass soon, though it never passes soon enough. Some advice and random thoughts....

1) You're probably on an emotional roller coaster. When I was there, I activated what I called 'an observer' to watch me go through the ups and downs and keep me aware that I was under no physical threat. My observer also helped me relax about time - I calmed down and kept telling myself that healing will take as long as it will take.

I recommend creating and observer-type for yourself - and it that terminology doesn't work for you, what will?

2) I'm really sorry your H thought it was OK to explore his sexuality after marrying you. One thing that concerned me was whether my W was bi or gay. If she liked sex with me, R was possible if other requirements were met; if she was gay, R was impossible for me, since I didn't want celibacy. So if R is something you want to consider, make sure your H knows who he wants to be with.

3) Do not try to control your outcome - both D & R can be honorable and healthy resolutions to infidelity. Figure out what you want from a partner. Once you know that, figure out if your H is willing and able to provide it. If you think you want to be with him for the rest of your life, identify measurable requirements for R and see if he'll agree to meet them. If he will, R is, in fact, possible.

If you decide you don't want him, D. If you want him but think he won't deliver what you want, D.

Don't push yourself for a fast decision. You're making decisions that will, hopefully, affect decades of your life and your kids' lives. At this point, have faith in yourself to come to a decision soon enough.

4) I found that the gender of my W's ap was not a big factor. My W betrayed me. It didn't matter with whom. (It probably would have mattered if she had cheated with someone close to me.) I found myself going through essentially the same struggles virtually every other BS had to deal with.

I'm pretty permissive, though - if you have major objections to same-gender sex, your approach will probably differ from mine. You are free to - and need to - find your own way through this. You can read things that others have done to recover by reading threads on SI, but you have to find out what works for you. Just have some faith in yourself.

5) IMO, the most important thing you can do for yourself and kids is to heal - to process the mass of anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body. You may not be aware of all those feelings yet, but wait a bit - they'll come. They'll seem overwhelming, but remember: you have feelings; they don't have you.

Also, your H cheated for his own reasons not because of any lack in you or your relationship. Your H failed; you didn't.

R requires 3 healings: BS heals BS; WS heals WS; together they heal/build/rebuild the M - if both want to do that.

*****

If you've got questions or concerns, let us know.