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How would you deal with your spouse joining the military without talking to you about it first? He knows I won't/can't leave whwre we live right now. I told him that it's a deal breaker for me and I want a divorce.
We are both in out mid/late 30s. I was just diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. Heart Disease. and a bunch of other health issues that I can't get into. I have a team of doctors that I'm not willing to leave. Also our son is in HS and wants to stay and finish where he is at. I also have guardianship of a family member that would have to give up to the state if I was to leave. Packing up is just not doable for me.Hes cheated on me our entire 16 years of marriage on and off. Every 6 months he leaves a job becuase he doesn't like it or he's bored. I've stayed with him through everything becuse he had a shitty upbringing and I was trying to help him. I just don't know what to do.

That's a tough call.

He won't be able to leave the military like his other jobs.

Spousal health benefits (tricare) for military families is great.

Why did he join?

Is he trying to turn himself around or is he saying fuck-it-all with his actions?

I can see why you're struggling with this.

What is best for you? As in for your sanity? What do you want?

Regardless of what he does, I mean.

Also, just for kicks, what happens if your kid in hs graduates, also joins the military, and then has a work ethic that causes him to be promoted above his dad? How finny would that be?

I’m sorry, but why is this your deal breaker? His pattern is obvious. Cheats=doesn’t care about you. Can’t hold a job, makes life altering choices without your input.

I’ll be honest, and I know what I’m talking about because I was a recruiter for the military at a point, I doubt he will follow through, and honestly due to his age I’m surprised he actually was allowed to join. So it’s one of two things he’s lying (as a serial cheater will), or he’s joining a reserve component. Google it yourself, 35 is the max age, and its branch (Army, Airforce, Navy, Marine) dependent. No one over 22 is getting into the marines unless they are a pilot or an officer. No one is getting active Air Force or Navy at that age either, and the Army cut off is he has to ship to basic before 35.

Reserve/National Guard are different. They don’t require you to move for the job, and it’s generally one weekend a month with a few weeks every year doing military duty.

If he actually signed a contract it’s very likely it’s a reserve component. He will have to go to basic (which based on how you talked about him I doubt he will make it, people absolutely get admin separation from basic, it’s very common). But if he does make it, there are advantages. Tricare reserve select is a fantastic insurance policy. I recommend contacting all of your doctors and see if they take tricare. Use this to your advantage, don’t D and take advantage of the benefits it offers. He’s a serial cheat, it won’t stop, take the most out of the situation you are in

On the small chance he’s actually active, (or that he actually enlisted) which I highly doubt, you don’t have to go with him. He joined not you, and you don’t have to go with him. You already know that if does ship out he will cheat on you again, so take advantage of Tricare benefits and live your best life. Google Tricare and look at what it offers, do your research.

Active duty is called Tricare Prime or standard (standard requires more out of pocket but allows for more health care options)

Reserve is called Tricare Reserve Select (more out of pocket as well but again a lot of freedom to choose providers)

Prime requires seeing a military Primary Care and referrals for any specific medical condition, but it’s completely free.

The min you d him, you lose any right to the military benefits.

I have over 2 decades of experience in the military, let me know if you have questions. I think he is lying and didn’t actually enlist, but again on the small chance he’s telling the truth I feel you should milk it for everything you can

Edit to add: I am assuming US Military about every thing, if not I will say I know nothing

One more Edit: In the US military, adultery is a crime and he can be kicked out for it, yes I am serious. It doesn’t matter what state your relationship is in, if he is legally married he can be punished and kicked out. Think about it, get your power back. No, you are not subject to military law and it won’t apply to you at all.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 1:29 AM, Friday, March 8th]

He continues to be selfish,and not show any concern for you,or your son. It's all about him.

Save yourself.

Listen to hellfire.

Sounds like he’s been using you.

You can’t save someone.

You can help someone good be better but you can’t change a terrible person into a good person.

This is an uncomfortable truth but depending how bad you grow up the chances are extremely slim you can ever become a good person.

More love and caring only makes a selfish person more selfish.

He will always think about himself first.

Leave him in the dust and never speak to him again.

By the way that means never again.

Don’t be the stereotype that moves on meets a good man invites this toxic man back into your life. Cheats on that good man and sends him to this site because of this douche.

Just like we tell the guys. Lay the hammer down. If he refuses walk a way and never look back.

You deserve better.

PS. I really think you should find yourself some counseling.

Something that deals with abuse.

There is a stereotype of women that love and fight for their abusive men for a reason.

Professionals see it so much that it is a common joke.

Very likely you have gotten addicted to the anxiety of this toxic man.

Anxiety can keep things exciting but for the wrong reasons.

It can make sex better. Essentially you have a relationship of hyper arousal and make up sex.

Safety and security isn’t as exciting but it is much healthier and makes you happier in the long run.

I bet ten bucks HINHF is right and that he’s lying about enlisting. And if he’s not lying, I’ll bet double or nothing that he doesn’t make it through boot camp. If I’m wrong and he actually goes active duty, there are silver linings in the form of benefits that are pretty decent, like the insurance already mentioned and commissary privileges. And forced employment. He literally can’t quit without facing serious consequences.

As HellIsNotHalfFull says in his post - your spouse' story not quite believable - please verify.

If he is "going in" - then take HellIsNotHalfFull post to heart, milk the Military benefits to the max!