SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Haven’t posted in some time. Dday was 10/2016. WH had Physical A for 3 months. R took several years.
Fast forward and 20th anniversary is this month and this "milestone" is bringing up more negative than positive feelings. Hurt that the marriage and vows weren’t honored by WH and that celebrating 20 years doesn’t feel authentic.

The goals had been to renew vows in celebration of R and that hasn’t happened yet, not a formal ceremony just words to one another….
A new anniversary also doesn’t feel correct. We
Have been married for 2 decades and "in good times and in bad" certainly applies to recovery from an A. How have others navigated this?

I feel for you. Anniversaries are hard. My husband had a 6 month emotional and sexual affair across the first half of 2020. Our 20th anniversary was in the middle of it, and he did some specific things with his AP on and around our 20th anniversary that have probably ruined anniversaries forever. We’re reconciling and things are going ok, but I just don’t feel like marking the day—it makes me ruminate in an unhealthy way and isn’t fun if celebratory at all, so if feels like there’s no point. What we do instead is prioritize planning one nice getaway or other type of fun "us" time each summer. I don’t treat it as an anniversary, just as a way of enjoying each other’s company, having fun, and prioritizing our relationship. I look forward to it, and it’s not fraught like trying to celebrate our anniversary would be.

I’m not as far along as you are, but I would suggest just feel what you feel and don’t worry about it. If the time isn’t right to renew the vows, then don’t. If it doesn’t feel authentic because of the A, then it doesn’t. If you and WH are in a good place then tell him, and tell him what you want and don’t want for the anniversary. If he’s truly remorseful, he will understand and respect your wishes/feelings.

Maybe focus on the good things, on the good times and why you are still married. If there aren’t any, maybe consider that as something to consider seriously.

Affairs ruin relationships, the damage is deep and long lasting, like the river that made the Grand Canyon. It doesn’t matter that it happened almost 10 years ago, it still did and it’s okay to still feel and be effected by it.

Thank you both for your responses.
This isn’t the first time I’ve caught myself placing too much emphasis on an anniversary based on pre A thinking and how I envisioned celebrations would have been. We will be taking a trip with our kiddos this time around so it will be more a family time in making new memories than anniversary celebration. Focusing on the good and leaning into what is working is a perfect reminder. Infidelity is a scar on our marriage but thankfully no longer bleeding so to speak.

We have a little get away planned for our anniversary this year as I thought (at the time) it would be a way to help us get back on track.

And while I’m looking for ward to the holiday I’m not looking forward to celebrating our anniversary. It’s like it’s fake, I can’t even wear my wedding ring for more than a week at a time because it all feels too much of a facade.

Anyways it’s all paid for now so I will just focus on having a good holiday as we are going somewhere I haven’t been and it looks so beautiful. Bush walking, the beach and other outdoor activities planned - all my favorite!!! Hopefully one day I can celebrate an anniversary without these feelings of dread!

I think it is natural that we fixate on certain things, even years later.

My DDay is only a year ago, but the day after that, I removed my engagement ring, but not my wedding band. I have never put the engagement ring back on. I told my spouse that I might never put it on again. I told him that I have kept the wedding ring, which represents my promise to him. I have taken off the ring that represents his promise to me.

We are doing very well in recovery, but it matters to me, it will always matter to me, that he violated his vow. I have forgiven him, but for me, the symbolism of not wearing the ring still matters.

I know that it hurts him that I will not wear the engagement ring, but it has become important to me to represent that that first marriage is over. We are building a new marriage.

I don't know if this helps, or even makes sense.

I just wanted to say that I also could not pretend that the marriage was not fundamentally altered by infidelity. Even though I choose reconciliation, I do not think the marriage actually survived it; I think we are on the path to trying to build a new one. So yeah, anniversaries that focus on the date of our wedding are painful. They feel like a lie. Your marriage either ended or was fundamentally altered by infidelity. It is not the same.

"in good times and in bad"

I feel for you. My 14th Antiversary of D-day is just a few days away.

This was also the anniversary of our first date. My FWS, as is her usual, seems and acts oblivious that I might have issues around this time, despite speaking to her multiple times about it over the years and 4 years of MC.

To compound the damage of her short affair, during it she took her AP to the place we met for our first date and gave him a blowjob to full completion, within a few yards of where we met up, in the middle of the day in broad daylight, in a public park, outside of the car with him leaning up against a tree. We went there to meet up and hike together as our first date...which did not involve a BJ in the park.

Every year on the anniversary of that date we would go back, and later did so with our children, it became an annual family tradition, and it was initially her idea.

D-day actually occurred, 9 years after the affair, because of her changes in behavior around this annual tradition. I had bought her a gift, and she had made plans for us to be elsewhere, with two of our children at a public event.

She again hasn't said a word about our upcoming combined anniversary/antiversary, but instead is acting like nothing ever happened, withdraw, play mindless distracting games on her phone, and listen to old shows on YouTube, which is now apparently her annual family tradition.

ETA: I forgot to finish this earlier. I stay focused on these things; I did not cause this betrayal, this betrayal has nothing to do with me or some lack in me, I continue to try to do "the next right thing" regardless of what anyone else has done, I just do my best to get through each day and stay true to my own values.

In good times and bad....

[This message edited by standinghere at 7:33 AM, Monday, March 11th]

Going by your username I am going to suggest you look on a different kind of milestone . There is something about a "reset" every 7 years in the Old Testament. So THIS year is the start of a NEW year for y'all...and it just happens to fall on a milestone anniversary...God is kind of cool in putting all of this in line like that for y'all don't you think ?!

There are 12 months in a year. So 12 X 20 = 240 months. Out of those 240 months there were 3 months that your WH was an adulterer. From there...you had 7 years...or approximately 84 months of heartache (((HUGS))). So 240 - 84 - 3 = 153 months that would still be considered GOOD? Are you going to discount those 153 GOOD months for the 87 months that weren't so good?

I can only write about what worked for ME. One of my ultimatums on Dday was to have my H PLAN a FABULOUS vacation for us the next year during the A season antiversary when he and the adultery co-conspirator had experienced some of their "firsts"...first date...first kiss...etc. He did an AWESOME job too...with a whole slew of "firsts" for US during the same days of theirs. Our first train ride...first trip to Chicago...first time at WRIGLEY FIELD !!

It was HORRIBLE . I cried a lot. I was very sad most of the time and my heart was heavy thinking about WHY we were having to do all of this. But there were bright spots along the way. Like when I saw a little kindergarten girl get over her FEAR of going on the ledge at the Willis Tower (formerly the Sears Tower) . We laughed at that spitting fountain thingy by that silver bean thingy at a park too . My H had purchased us a private room on the train and the bathroom was the TINIEST thing with the shower on top of the toilet...it was hilarious!!! Guess what happened the NEXT year when I was thinking back on my A season? You guessed it...I was able to think about what WE had done in Chicago in order to combat what THEY had done. IT WORKED . For ME...I figured they took enough from me...I would be damned if I let them take anything else!!! For ME...POSITIVE has done way more toward my healing than negative. So finding something positive to do...even though it doesn't FEEL positive at the time...has produced positive feelings that have helped in my healing. Negativity does nothing to help in healing for ME.

Your anniversary will ALWAYS come around...every year...at the same date. What YOU make of it is YOUR choice Dear Lady . Whatever CHOICE you decide will be perfect . This is YOUR life...you get to decide how you want to deal with that day. Pray on it...and follow through with what God tells you. He will NEVER forsake you .