SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 49M, divorced. She is 37F, divorced. We are engaged but live separately. She has a kid. Been together for 4 years.

I am convinced she has been cheating.

First red flag for me was when she admitted to me that she had an affair while she was married. She admitted soon after we met and although I appreciated that she admitted it on her own, it still felt like she was obscuring or fabricating some details. The main red flag for me was that she couldn't articulate WHY she had that affair. She supposedly still loved her husband and cared about him. All I got was that she was alone in a different country for 2 months and it was purely physical. Anyways, that was 7-8 years ago so I put it behind me.

A few weeks ago, I found out a few things:

1. She was texting an ex-colleague. Something felt off in the way she was talking so I asked to see the text messages but she said she deleted them. She later admitted she sent him a silly sexual joke... she claims it was the only time they ever texted.

2. She was also texting another ex-colleague. She actually kept the conversations and showed them to me. There was nothing inappropriate, but she is sharing details about her day and telling him she misses him. His responses are very appropriate, but the weird thing is that he did not respond to those "I miss you" messages. Not even with an "I miss you too" or anything. So either he is avoiding her (WHY?), or she deleted his responses. I asked to see his profile on LinkedIn and somehow magically they are no longer connected... (who deleted who and why?). He is married and lives in a different country - which she had visited for a week once when she first got the job. Gut feeling is that something happened between them during that time.

3. She is someone who is glued to her phone and looks at notifications right away. She even reads her texts and texts me back while driving. Now and then she claims she didn't get a notification or that she missed my messages, or bad signal etc... or just leaving me on 'read' for 1-2 hours (we use whatsapp). I know she is lying.

The really weird and confusing thing is that everything else is just great. She seems to have a genuine desire for me. But I have a very strong feeling she is lying. And I want to end it but I don't have proof.

Talking to her, she gets angry and defensive and her stories always feel incomplete. There is definitely some gaslighting involved, accusing me of having trust issues. I feel tormented. I think I can catch her if I decide to. But I hate playing these games. What if I am wrong?

Feeling tormented and confused. Am I off and exaggerating?

Do you want to continue in a relationship with someone who you believe is lying to you, is defensive about it rather than being open and addressing your concerns with transparency and compassion?

Also, if she cheated in her previous marriage....kind of a big red flag. That is if monogamy is important to you in this relationship.

At best this is highly suspect behavior. At worst...

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life - because the writing is sadly on the wall.

In the end, if you want to end it, end it. You don't need a smoking gun. If you feel tormented, this is not the woman for you.

I believe you have to realize that you are responsible for your own life. You don't have to have 'evidence' of her cheating on you. If you believe you can't trust her because of her actions then you have to make a decision. Most decisions are made based on a call not because you have 100% certainty.

The main red flag for me was that she couldn't articulate WHY she had that affair.

People cheat because there’s a deficiency in their character. If she doesn’t know why she cheated then she doesn’t know what needs fixing. Until this is addressed, it’s just a matter of time before she cheats again.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 9:26 PM, Monday, March 11th]

Also the "it’s just sex" line is a big red flag.

Most of the time it is a lie.

But using it shows they just don’t see cheating as a big deal.

Like the others have said you don’t need a smoking gun.

At her age she should know personnel one on one flirtatious relationships with men is not ok.

That alone is enough to not trust her.

And not trusting her is enough to end the relationship.

She would not like it if pretty girls that wanted to sleep with you were calling you all the time and wanting to keep a relationship going.

Duplicate Thread. Please support this member in the General forum at Am I exaggerating?. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/662506/am-i-exaggerating/

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:39 PM, Monday, March 11th]