SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is topic is quiet lately, I found it on Page 3, but I wanted to give my 2 cents.

I think there is always at least SOME compartmentalizing that goes on in an affair, almost by definition. The WS has to at least PRETEND to be faithful to their BS. The **degree of compartmentalization probably varies from instance to instance. Not every WS talks bad of their spouse to AP but no doubt some do.

Just as there is at least SOME trusting of the AP, the degree of trusting varying from instance to instance.

Sort of related to this, I think WS (ETA and fWS) especially need to be extremely careful in weighing in on these types of topics on here i.e., what their feelings towards AP really were vs what the BS saw, such as 'did you love AP' or 'did you trust AP' or even 'did you mean to hurt BS'. Or at least, I do hope that they understand what a mindfield they are stepping in, at least outside of the Wayward Spouse forum. My viewpoint as someone who is betrayed is what I have seen and experienced IS the reality, and anyone saying anything different, such as say 'WW didn't really trust her AP' comes across to me as 'don't trust your lying eyes'.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:58 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

Sort of related to this, I think WS especially need to be extremely careful in weighing in on these types of topics on here i.e., what their feelings towards AP really were vs what the BS saw, such as 'did you love AP' or 'did you trust AP' or even 'did you mean to hurt BS'. Or at least, I do hope that they understand what a mindfield they are stepping in, at least outside of the Wayward Spouse forum. My viewpoint as someone who is betrayed is what I have seen and experienced IS the reality, and anyone saying anything different, such as say 'WW didn't really trust her AP' comes across to me as 'don't trust your lying eyes'.

Well since I am the only ww In this thread and now you are talking about something I think I actually said in your thread, I think we can just speak directly to each other.

First of all, I am no longer a wayward spouse. I put in a lot of work and feel reasonably sure that I do have full accountability over my affair. And considering how many bs appreciate that I speak my truth, I doubt you are going to persuade me in how I post. I have no reason to lie here whatsoever, and I don’t have any interest in lying in general.

Just because you can’t accept this truth doesn’t make it not true.

Secondly, I have been cheated on too. And while you probably don’t even see that as valid, it very much is. So I have a former ws at home too. I have had more therapy in the past 7 years between these two shit shows that I do feel like I have perspective over my own journey. I am aware of the minefields around here but I am not going to go along and agree with something if I don’t.

And no offense, because I don’t want to diminish the idea that you have valid thoughts and opinions too. But I am not going to let someone who has very limited perspective on what a ws experiences or how they recover tell me what I believed or didn’t believe. You have some assumptions but they are not all one size fits all.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:15 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

I should have put fWS.

Yes that is true, I recognize that I have little to no idea what you and your partner experienced or your jounrey thereafter. But I think it is also fair that people here may be wrong in what happened with MY experience with infidelity. I absolutely insist WP trusted AP for me, and I feel very strongly when someone tries to imply that it is not so.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:45 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

But I think it is also fair that people here may be wrong in what happened with MY experience with infidelity. I absolutely insist WP trusted AP for me, and I feel very strongly when someone tries to imply that it is not so.

I think you may be projecting. No one was taking about your situation (other than you of course, but you weren’t part of the initial discussion). I could be wrong but I don’t think the issue of trust was even part of it, the discussion was about compartmentalizing.

Even if the discussion *was* about trust however, are you suggesting Hiking shouldn’t be able to share her experience just because it doesn’t match yours?

I think of your understanding is that your wife trusted her AP, then I believe that to be true. That is YOUR experience. If you felt I ever discounted that, then I think you have made a misinterpretation.

All I said is trust doesn’t have to be present and I wouldn’t have said I trusted the AP.

Outside of the idea that I trusted he would be in as much or more trouble than me. But that didn’t make me feel like he had integrity that I could lean on.

You have to just leave room for others experiences might be different and what I am saying it’s possible to have an affair without truly trusting the ap that’s because it comes from mine.

I am sorry if that has been sticking in your craw, but I would rather talk about that directly. Because when we don’t keep it to our experience then we trample on the others experience and feelings.

I can’t claim that I am perfect at that, but I try. I try to tell people "I am not your ws, I did experience x and this was how I saw it."

Personally I would have no trouble whatsoever saying I did trust him if it were true. I have owned up to far worse in this forum. I doubt anyone would blink an eye other than to say "well that was stupid", to which I would reply "sure was". It just didn’t happen that way for ME. It may have happened that way for your ws. I just don’t think it is true for all ws’s.

I hope that clears it up. But I am happy to continue to address anything I haven’t. I am not here to make your pain worse. Just be cognizant that we all come here with similiar experiences with a whole set of unique details.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:25 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

I could be wrong but I don’t think the issue of trust was even part of it, the discussion was about compartmentalizing.

It’s not. we disagreed about trust in a different post but all I disagreed with is that all ws trust their ap. I just wouldn’t say I trusted mine.

I think he didn’t like what I said here and it kind of brought up he didn’t like what I said over there. But I think perhaps he didn’t understand me.

I must admit to not really reading the posts on this thread beforehand. I should have made that clear before I posted, I apologize for the confusion.

It’s cool won’t be fooled. If you were thinking that I was saying your experience isn’t valid I am still glad we had a chance to talk about that. We all have similarities and differences in our experiences. I would not have wanted you to think I was saying just because it wasn’t my experience that it couldn’t be yours.

Generally these sorts of debates happen when people talk in absolutes "all ws" or "all bs" and that’s when suddenly people start arguing because you will always run into people who didn’t have that in their experience. I am sorry if that caused you to trigger or feel stepped on.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:59 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]