SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mostly a reader here over the years. This month marks 5 years. I find myself on here less and less as it continues to drift in to the past. They say 2-5 years.. I don't know. Not sure if there's a really a definitive point where I say I'm healed. However I can say that I wake up these days thinking (mostly) about what's ahead rather than about what's been done. The scar will always be there, I just don't touch it as much as I used to.
Since DDay we've sifted through the rubble, figured what could be salvaged and what couldn't. A lot was worth holding on to. A lot needed to be discarded and outright burned.
Many sober conversation of what empathy looks like. She's still digging in to her iceberg of FOO issues -quite the journey to say the least. And yes I have to work on empathy for her as well. I've been given the ultimate trump card, the challenge is to keep it mucked.
There's been a handful of times we both didn't think we could keep going. We had to extend grace to each other when there was next to none to give.
Early on I read a quote that the most intimate thing a couple can do is recover from an affair. So far I'd agree. I'm not sure how we could be any more raw and vulnerable. We know couples that have been married a long time that avoid fighting altogether to simply keep the peace. We're nowhere near perfecting conflict resolution, but we're still committed to putting our crap on the table versus under the rug.
I'll never be glad it happened. But when I look in the mirror I still respect what I see.
Things I still need to work on:
Giving myself grace. I had the vision that I'd be the unwavering, no hesitation, thick-skinned operator I've always craved to be. I'm not and that's ok. I have and will continue to make mistakes. That will have to be ok.
To keep dreaming. Way too easy to get in to existing mode, take the paycheck and live for the weekend rinse wash repeat. This past year we've taken some short and long terms steps to pursue some goals we've had in the hopper. Feels like we've turned a couple chapters. We need to keep exploring.
Take it easy on the alcohol and take care of my body. I'm not in my 20s anymore.

I have the deepest respect for everyone navigating this hell. One day, one week, one month, one year at a time.

Early on I read a quote that the most intimate thing a couple can do is recover from an affair. So far I'd agree. I'm not sure how we could be any more raw and vulnerable. We know couples that have been married a long time that avoid fighting altogether to simply keep the peace. We're nowhere near perfecting conflict resolution, but we're still committed to putting our crap on the table versus under the rug.

I'll never be glad it happened. But when I look in the mirror I still respect what I see.

This is just gorgeous. I totally agree. I've never felt more vulnerable and intimate than when I was first learning how to be transparent. Now it's a lifestyle. It's tough to imagine how dysfunctional we were before.

To keep dreaming. Way too easy to get in to existing mode, take the paycheck and live for the weekend rinse wash repeat. This past year we've taken some short and long terms steps to pursue some goals we've had in the hopper. Feels like we've turned a couple chapters. We need to keep exploring.

100% agree. We don't do well when there's not a dream to pursue. We get stagnant. This year we're working on downsizing and building a smaller house. It's nice to have a project.

I appreciate your lovely update.

Sounds really positive - and you're not really sure whether it is or isn't. The key word in your post is, IMO, 'grace'. Giving each other grace - that's incredibly loving. Giving oneself grace while knowing one's weaknesses ... that's a type of loving that is beyond 'incredibly loving'.

I've always thought R is a process that is like life itself - a work in progress. Change is the only constant. There are always going to be issues that need to be resolved one way or another. I see R as resolving issue after issue together, just like M is, IMO.

I think we're pretty much on a continuum of 'in pain <--> healed'. Each of us decides when to declare victory.

Early on I read a quote that the most intimate thing a couple can do is recover from an affair. So far I'd agree. I'm not sure how we could be any more raw and vulnerable.

I fully agree. I described it at the time in a journal as "our souls stood naked and finally totally vulnerable in front of each other having to face who they really are".

We didn’t even know we needed to be so much more vulnerable, honest and transparent in order to have a successful marriage until this happened. We thought we did already. If there is one positive to be taken out of this traumatic event, it is that if the partners are willing to put in the work, they’ll experience a high level of intimacy and connection like never before, they’ll finally discover each other with good and bad. It is scary and painful though.

It sounds like things are going well in your patch, whilst I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, the transformation is astounding! Keep going.

This is a significant milestone...thanks for sharing ! We'll be having our 10 year milestone this year...and it seems like EONS ago at times...and then it can seem so fresh at others. I am just very happy that the raw pain isn't there any longer. I never want to go through that again.

Here's to BETTER and BRIGHTER days forward !!

The scar will always be there, I just don't touch it as much as I used to

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This is what I have noticed, although I am only a year out.

I really appreciate you sharing. Your post mirrors my experience so far, and it gives me hope we are on the right path.