SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Groot, I am 6 years out from DDay1 and a couple years from the last DDay, so my timeline is not linear, lots of back and forth reality adjustments. I think the answer to your question is a difficult one. I am still learning things about my WH that shift how I see him and feel about him.

What I want to tell you is that you should journal your feelings as you go through this process, because it is impossible to understand how raw you still are at 6 months. The road to R is loopy and tangled and your feelings will shift and change and grow as time passes. You will continue to grow and change in ways you never imagined. What my journal showed me was how quick I was to try and get there, and how obviously I missed the signs that we both had so much work to do to salvage our relationship, let alone rebuild it. Maybe the most important thing my journal revealed is the cyclical pattern my healing took. I kept repeating the same emotional journey without realizing it was the same journey to nowhere.

I know the general consensus is 2-5 years, but I’m just making the big strides in years 5-6. I wanted to be a star R model and get there in a year or two, isn’t that comical in hindsight? All our journeys are different, but I had so much healing to do that had nothing to do with my M before I could find a path forward with my WH. It was a complete surprise because I thought I was a poster child for maturity and acceptance and living with hope and gratitude. I didn’t even see how my FOO issues were affecting how I handled this life challenge, or the baggage I was dragging along subconsciously.

I have changed myself for the better. The way I see my H has changed so much that it is almost unnerving. I see the things I needed and wanted him to be and I laid that template on top of who he really was. I have had my eyes opened so much these past few years that I can feel disoriented, but it is a relief to be able to see things more clearly.

The best advice I can think to give you, now that your vision is more reality than rose tinted, is to listen to that anger and work on it with your IC, and to try very hard not to worry about what will remain when you are healed. It’s not a destination, but a process, and if you truly want to R and your love is strong enough, you will find a way to live and love in spite of all this. That worry is energy you could be using to focus on your health and healing. Best to you moving forward.

Owningitnow

I found self-care to be incredibly healing during this time. You have four kids, a job, and a broken M; that's quite a lot. What are you doing for you? How are you investing in your own self? Do not minimize the value of self love and care.

My entire relationship with him, even before our kids I was always incredibly selfless. I was the breadwinner, he had so many hobbies, bands, paintballing, pool league, motorcycle rides, that I never actually saw how incredibly selfish he was and how he took advantage of my kindness and willingness to drop everything I loved and focus on our kids. Don't get me wrong, when he was home he shared half the load if not more but he wasn't really "present".

Since this has came to light I have gotten two tattoos :) , gone to the spa several times, I do Date nights with friends once a week, I go to the gym every other day , I go to church, I read books, all while he takes care of our children. I made it VERY VERY clear that his hobbies will be taking a backseat for a very long time and when they do come back the band wont be one of them. He constantly needed validation and I also do not like the atmosphere and the money/time it takes. He agreed.
I actually made the joke that if he never had the A I probably would have still been sitting her like a dummy allowing him to live his best life while I slave here at home.
I will no longer allow myself to be put last, ever again, it is a huge slap for all involved including my daughter who is 10, I have to explain to her all the time that I am also a person, not just a mom.

I remember showing up at the bowling alley where his mom/brother were and she asked me how I was able to get out of the house and I said "they have a dad".

She hasn't asked me that again.

Whatisloveanyway

You are very insightful and I really appreciate your post

What my journal showed me was how quick I was to try and get there, and how obviously I missed the signs that we both had so much work to do to salvage our relationship, let alone rebuild it.

I don't mean to pry or dig but I am curious as to the signs you saw, are they just things that were broken that needed fixed or red flags?

Groot,

For me, there were red flags that he was still trickle truthing, but his A was underground for months while I was desperate to believe we were rebuilding and connecting, so I misinterpreted his aversion to discussing things openly as just his personality, not a signal that there was much more going on. I didn’t understand DARVO yet and also wasn’t ready to accept what I was really dealing with. He was very quick to want to leave it in the past and move forward, and very cryptic or defensive when discussing details. I kept operating under the old assumptions I carried about us and him and failed to see him through new eyes. I guess I just couldn’t fathom what he was truly capable of, or how deep his troubles went. In hindsight, there were words I misinterpreted or times I heard what I wanted to hear, maybe due to desperate hope and blind trust. Many times I wrote that his answers made no sense, but I didn’t pursue, or trust my gut over his words. Anger, deflection, defensiveness, aversion - I see them now for what they really meant but I didn’t at the time or in the heat of a discussion. I tolerate zero of those negative behaviors now. My journals also provided a record of what was said, so lies or inconsistent stories were right there. He hated my journals!

In myself, I saw looking back some patterns of looping through the same topics, or beating a dead horse, and when I had sufficient disclosure on a specific topic, ie consistent answers, I still couldn’t let it go, which drove him crazy. I was able to move some things into the "no longer a concern" column and help my brain get unstuck on topics that were really pain shopping. I also saw how I allowed myself to fall into the pity pit, letting past baggage influence how I felt in this new situation.

Your situation is very different from mine and hopefully nowhere near the train wreck my recovery was. I didn’t even find SI until a year in, on DDay 3 maybe? You are way ahead of the game, timeline wise, and BH wise. I wish you the best.

Whatisloveanyway

Thank you for your honesty and transparency.
We are doing "well" considering but much like you he TT to me for 4 months , his excuse being he thought he was saving me pain. I would like to think that it’s all out in the open now but with the amount of lies he told me I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He showed me his bank statements , google timeline, his phone emails and everything I have access too but that damn TT has me second guessing my whole life.
I guess only time will help or tell me if it’s all out.

He has come a far way since the A and he truly hit rock bottom, I think if he didn’t then he wouldn’t be here. I remember him just sobbing to where he couldn’t breathe when he had to face how he treated all parties involved and admit his demons. I won’t ever forget that day.

Thank you for your kind words and one day I hope this will not be so hurtful.