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I'm really trying to work on my avoidance right now. I want/need to learn to bring things up and have difficult conversations. I still have a long ways to go. Currently, there's something that I'm debating on if I should bring it up to my BS. The fact that I'm debating it makes me feel that I should, but it's something really delicate and I'm not sure how to do it (or really sure that I should).

For those of you who have seen my previous posts, you might remember that I filed a Title IX complaint against the AP for sexual misconduct related to him sexually assaulting me. This has been hellish, especially lately. I'm getting battered around these past few weeks.

I've been discussing strategy for the upcoming hearing with my advisor (not a lawyer), and she asked if my BS would be willing to be a witness for the complaint. He didn't actually "witness" anything, but they're including "anyone you talked to about the relationship" as a witness. BS was the first person I talked to about the assaults as assaults, and the person on my side who knows the most details. He can probably better articulate than me what happened and why I made the choices that I made.

On the not asking side - I feel reaaalllyyyyy uncomfortable about asking. It doesn't feel like the right thing to do in a way. It just seems like too much to ask him. He's already gone above and beyond and what right do I, as a WS, have to ask him to give even more, especially something that would probably take a lot out of him. BS wouldn't have to be there for the whole hearing, if he would even have to go to the hearing. He might just give a statement to the investigator before the trial and be done. Even that seems like it would be incredibly triggering for him. And what if the AP decides he does want to cross-examine BS at the hearing? I told AP my complaints about the relationships and the ways that BS hasn't been his best. I don't want to give AP an opportunity to use it against BS. I also don't expect to win the hearing. AP has a lawyer, all of our text messages (I know because the data recovery people he used are idiots and they called me [b]twice[/b] to come pick up his phone, and told me everything they had done before they realized they called me and not the lawyer), patriarchy, and I found out yesterday nearly half of our classmates are giving statements as "witnesses" for AP. So why put BS through all that for no reason?

Also, things have been not so great between us. I'm been really self-absorbed with all of this Title IX crap. I haven't been there for BS like I should at all. I had a long discussion with my therapist today about this and how I can correct this pattern of "functional freeze" but I won't go into detail to keep this shorter. So being like, "Hey btw, I know I've been dropping the ball on my household responsibilities and not communicating with you, but can you still do this really taxing thing for me?" And also I'm feeling super raw right now. Finding out about our classmates turning against me was a knife in the back. I've been reading about betrayal trauma, and I'm going through it with this. If BS has big feelings about me asking or anything, I don't know how compassionately I can hold that space immediately. Is it avoidant to wait a while or wise? The investigation isn't ending soon so it's not like BS would have to run over tomorrow and give a statement if he would even agree to.

But I'm wondering - is this just more wayward thinking? I used "protecting" BS as an excuse to not tell him about the affair. Am I doing the same thing here? He is a grown up who can make his own decisions. But he's also a grown up in a raw and vulnerable place right now who does maybe need some protecting. It's also something about BS on my mind a bit, mainly because the whole case is always on my mind right now, so it feels like hiding to not tell him, and that doesn't feel right. But I also don't tell him the details of case per his request. But this is about him so it feels different. But it's also not like an official request made of me or anything to ask him to be a witness. It's just a suggestion made by my advisor if I would want BS to be a witness. And I don't think I do. It just feels wrong to ask that of him.

I keep going back and forth on this and I don't know. I've been feeling winded since finding out about the witnesses yesterday and it's probably affecting my ability to see this clearly. I'd really appreciate any outside perspective on this, especially from anyone who could provide a BS's point of view. I guess if I had to summarize this in three questions it would be:

1. Should I talk to BS about it? (probably. probably?)

2. If I should, any advice for bringing it up as compassionately as possible?

3. Is it avoidant if I wait a few days to absorb the shock of everyone turning against me plus refocus on BS and making up for the ways that I haven't been there lately first before dropping this on them?

Thanks for your advice.

1. Should I talk to BS about it?

Yes. Let him make his own decision to participate or not as a witness.

2. If I should, any advice for bringing it up as compassionately as possible?

Tell him you 100% understand if he doesn’t want to get involved / help you and you will think nothing less of him if he declines.

3. Is it avoidant if I wait a few days to absorb the shock of everyone turning against me plus refocus on BS and making up for the ways that I haven't been there lately first before dropping this on them?

Likely yes. Focus on BS in this, and not you. "Waiting to absorb the shock" is focusing on you. True remorse focuses on the BS.

Why no lawyer? I think you need the assistance of a good legal mind and a tenacious, capable advocate for yourself.

And I agree with gr8ful.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:54 PM, Wednesday, April 17th]

Also agree with gr8tful.

I would also prepare yourself if he says no. I think you truly have to let go of the outcome and respect whatever decision he makes. Don’t read into it, just respect it. I think telling him about what’s happening and giving him options is the transparency and respect he deserves. But honor the space he may want from it.

I would advise you to share with your BS more or less what you shared here. You took away his agency in so many ways during the A and here you are contemplating doing it again. Ask yourself why you would feel inclined to protect him if you couldn’t be bothered to protect him from all the pain inflicted on him by your A. I mean, your reasons sound noble on the surface, protecting your spouse, the one that you hurt profoundly from further harm, but it’s rooted in an avoidance of shame behavior cycle.

I’ve said it to you before and I meant it, you BH is a grown ass man who is capable of sharing space for you and he can handle whatever you throw at him. Like with the phone recovery/timeline discussion we were having, you can give him the story, your thoughts and feelings and then leave it to him to tell you how he feels about it and ultimately his decision on the matter. Your post is making quite a few assumptions about how it could be traumatic for him, and yes, you aren’t wrong, having to testify in this setting could be triggering for him, but we often speak derisively about compartmentalization, because it rears its ugly side in affairs, but your BH is capable of compartmentalizing and he might be able to set aside the pain caused by the A for a time so that he can support you in this. I would argue that is an instance in which compartmentalizing becomes a super power that is being used for "good". The bottom line is that I see you are avoidant and afraid to really connect with him. Sharing our feelings with another is a scary proposition, we could get hurt, and you are too going through a lot, but the only way you can build with your BH a new relationship that satisfies you both is through conquering that fear in you about opening up to him.

1. Should I talk to BS about it? (probably. probably?)

Hi, yes. You should absolutely. Avoiding or putting off difficult, uncomfortable, or emotionally charged conversations is absolutely avoidant and wayward This is one of those opportunities to SHOW your BS that you are making changes rather than simply pay lip service to it. I will tell you the stuff that went the farthest with me in earning back trust was my husband's willingness to tell me about stuff that I knew he knew would make me uncomfortable. It SHOWED me that he was taking transparency and honesty seriously and that he was putting that above his comfort. In fact, one of the biggest differences I've noticed in my husband after "doing the work" is the fact that he now comes to me quickly with conversations or news that is hard. It also isn't doing your BS any favours. You are right that he's likely going to have some complicated feelings about this and he deserves to have as much time as possible to process those feelings before making any major decisions. One of the injustices about infidelity is that by controlling our access to the truth/reality, our WS took away our ability to make informed decisions about our own lives. Do not do that to him again. It involves him so he deserves to know.

2. If I should, any advice for bringing it up as compassionately as possible?

I think you just come home and say hey, this might be an uncomfortable conversation and I'm a little nervous about bringing it up but I'm trying to work on my instinct to avoid difficult conversations, and I think this is something you should have on your radar... There is never a perfect time to have a tough conversation and I think those who are prone to avoidance, try to tell themselves that they are just waiting for a better time (that never comes...). I agree with gr8ful that you should tell your BS that you don't want them to feel obligated in any way and that you wont think anything less of him if he decides he does not wish to. Make space for his triggers - there will probably be some - and be ready to have conversations with him about any feelings that this brings up.

I also think expressly acknowledging that you have been self-absorbed and that a lot of your time and energy lately has been focused on the Title IX thing and that you are aware that is unfair to your BS, is a good practice. Acknowledging someone's hardship and thanking them for their patience throughout it can go a long way in avoiding resentments.

3. Is it avoidant if I wait a few days to absorb the shock of everyone turning against me plus refocus on BS and making up for the ways that I haven't been there lately first before dropping this on them?

I think sooner is better. Any amount of time you keep this to yourself is going to be interpreted as a lack of transparency by your BS and that is something you should be trying to avoid. It's okay to acknowledge to your BS that you're still in the process of absorbing some of this yourself. By all means, try to make up for the ways you haven't been there lately AFTER telling him, but I think your instinct to want to "make things better" for him first, is you trying to justify your avoidance by waiting for a better time. Again, there is never a perfect time for bad news. Whether you intend it that way or not, waiting until your relationship is in a better space is a manipulation. Just rip the bandaid off.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck.

Sisson,

No lawyer currently. We lost our income with everything too so can't afford one. I'm working with an equal rights agency now though that's going to send me a list of lawyers who have taken on these cases pro bono before. Fingers crossed one of them works out.

To everyone,

Thank you for the advice and push in the right direction. It's so helpful to have other people who have or are doing the work to check in with. I had a feeling this was me being avoidant and maybe a little manipulative, but I can be so good at lying to myself. We're talking about it now. I hate that this is something that has to be in his life at all, and it's my fault. I regret not putting in the work to protect him, us, and me from an affair long ago.

Morted

I suggest you go back and read emergent8 post again...then read it again.

My own healing journey as a BS has led me to study wayward spouses and their mindsets, particularly wayward women.

I've read 2 dozen books, hundreds of articles and thousands of SI posts...and of the many similar wayward traits the most common denominator is being avoidant.

You seem to truly want to fix things with your BH.

You also seem to want to work on yourself.

However you have to take into consideration that you have likely had an avoidant nature most of your life.

It would be hard enough to work on that deeply embedded trait in normal times...you are trying to do it amidst that Hiroshima like devastation of a post Dday marriage.

I would implore you not to lose sight of the bigger picture. I know the Title IX case is overwhelming your thoughts but your have to remember to refocus on your BS.

I will second a thought by emergent8 that a big trust-builder was when my WS would come to me with the tough hard conversations.

It showed a courage that let me know she was working on her avoidant nature, it showed that she was desiring to be more authentic and vulnerable, and also that she was willing to be in uncomfortable emotions which is where I reside now, but she would always run from. It makes me feel not so alone.

Bottom line is if you have to ask are you being avoidant, then you probably are.

If you want to change that then these are the opportunities that you have to make those strides.