SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anze,

All these years I've believed him to be a man of morals and values because of the way he treated and respected me. He did so because he loves me and because he knew what he did was wrong and would never do it again.

It's interesting because I have always felt that he was a man of honesty and integrity. His treatment of others has always been above reproach. How ironic. Was my H like that in the 5 yrs before M? Perhaps his fall from grace woke him up. I know he was afraid to come clean. I would often tell him what a good man he was. He said it would just make him sick to hear. Hated himself. While all of this has been soul crushing to me, I do have empathy for him too. He has issues. His mom is a winner. He is really opening up and humbling himself to be better.

I am changing my mindset by intentionally directing my thoughts towards a healthy relationship. I'm learning a lot about myself and am gaining the confidence to speak up. He is actually grateful for my insights and suggestions. I feel kind of bad for him. I always thought of him as the strong one of us. Now I see that he was floundering for years. His dismissive avoidant attachment style kept him circling the drain. I told him I can't fix him, but I can sit beside him as he figures this out. We were teenagers when we got together. We're in our 60's now. Lots of life together.

I'm so sorry about how DD came for you.

It's not the morality one shows to the external world. It's the basis of the morality.

Late in my W's A, I had the thought, 'She can't be cheating, because she's so moral ... but maybe she's moral because she's been afraid of getting caught.' That should have been a sign to me. A better approach is something like, 'I know I can get away with some stuff, but I won't. I'll maintain my boundaries.'