SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I'm looking for people to share their thoughts/experience that may be able to help me. Please no negative comments as I am not looking for advice about the A or rehashing it - this is something we're already working on. Rather I am looking for advice from those who have similar experiences/beliefs of "one and done" that may help as my H and I work on our R.

I've always been a believer of "one and done" when it comes to infidelity. Now that I'm here, I'm having a hard time changing this mindset. I recently learned of my H's A that occurred very early in our marriage when we were actually talking divorce. We worked through that and have built a good life over the next 20+ years. But last year I found out that during that "divorce talk" time, he had a one time A.

I am trying to change my belief of "one and done" because I don't want to throw away our life over his bad choice back then. We are all flawed and I haven't been the perfect W (not excusing him for his behavior) but we have had far more good times than bad. We are not the same people we were back then. Logically I know this. My heart, and probably my pride, are saying otherwise and can't let go of "one and done".

I understand this may sound petty to some of you as there are people on here whose situations are far worse than mine. But this is where I am right now and could use some advise. Has anyone had this "one and done" mentality that they were able to change? If so, I would love to hear how you did so.

[This message edited by Anze43 at 6:45 AM, Friday, April 19th]

There are a few major points to think about here. As you pointed out, your husband had the A and lied (at least by omission, and likely by commission) to you about it for 20 years. This forces you to reconsider the entire relationship. You might also be in the early phases of trickle truth, that the A was not a one time event. So, even though it's years later, a complete timeline and polygraph would help confirm it was a one-time thing. You basically have to question everything in your marriage and re-evaluate it with your knew understanding. This is a massive undertaking.

In terms of coping with the change in mindset, I do think this is one of the most difficult hurdles for a BS to overcome. I haven't come up with a better term and call it the loss of "something integrity adjacent". To pursue R, you have to think of yourself as flexible and resilient in the face of adversity instead of acting out of fear of loss and weakness. That you aren't giving up some major core value, but the reality is it's a pretty big change of mindset. Essentially, you believed it would definitely end your relationship if it happened, but now that it has, you are questioning if that belief really is true and necessary. In theory maybe you thought of yourself as a super hardliner. It's easy to have pure beliefs in hypotheticals. When you have to deal with it in reality, there is just more to consider which can change your decision compared to the hypothetical.

I think most people have a "one and done" belief. Not all obviously, but most.

So for anyone to have reconciled they had to wrestle with that and figure out what that means for them. You are not alone.

Thing is, no one really knows what they will do until it happens to them. We can tell ourselves all sorts of things but when the rubber hits the road, we might not feel the way we thought we would. This goes for anything, not just infidelity.

I never thought I wanted children. Then I got pregnant. When I held my child I fell hopelessly in love. I didn't question my earlier position. That's how I felt at the time. But life had other plans and when I became a mother I let my heart do the talking.

Your heart is talking to you and quite a bit of your head is talking too. You yourself said that both of you have a changed over the years (for the better it sounds) so it's not impossible that your opinion on whether this is a deal breaker or not has evolved too.

Don't beat yourself up at all for that change in thinking. Accept that that was then and this is now. If you let what you "thought" you knew about yourself dictate how you proceed, well, that would be like if I had handed my newborn daughter back to the nurses because "I didn't think I wanted to be a mom for so many years so I can't be one now."

Now if it is a dealbreaker, meaning you cannot get past the hurt, you can't rebuild trust and you are haunted by what has happened to you to the point of depression or disdain for your husband, well, that's a different conversation.

I am not sure I had a one and done attitude. Don't get me wrong, I was not in any way shape or form okay with my fWW stepping out on me.

For me, I had to ask the question, "would I be kicking her to the curb because of what other people think, or think of me?" Or "am I kicking her to the curb out of a sense of moral judgement?" Either of those were not acceptable to me. First, I don't live my life worrying about other people's judgement. Second, I don't live my life trying to punish people for their mistakes. (Afterall, I make mistakes too, I don't think any as big as betrayal, but mistakes have been made)

I think the reason to get out of a marriage where there has been infidelity is when that is the way to get out of infidelity. It appears your H stepped out at a rough time. Knew he blew it, came back, and was faithful. Likely he hoped that you would never find out, either out of shame, or fear of hurting you, or that you would leave him. Or all of the above.

Even though the event happened years ago, the pain you are feeling is real. And if you are like me, you want to discharge that pain somewhere, and he deserves to feel it. But pain can be transformed rather than transferred. Turn it into something good. What that good is, is up to you. He appears to have been faithful since. That may mean he learned his lesson and grew up. He should apologize, and make amends. And do the work to help you heal.

Anze43,
My husband had A in our first year of M. He waited 42 yrs to tell me. I understand what you are struggling with. Every memory is now tainted. He took away my agency, my voice, my choice. I have trusted him for 47 yrs. He had complete freedom to get up and move around the cabin all day, every day. He says it was just that once, but how can I ever know? It was so long ago that there is no evidence anymore. Just his word. I'd like to believe him. The stats aren't in his favor though.

For me, I have to search for signs. Actions of his that showed/show trust and respect. Since DD he has become the partner I have always wanted. He is emotionally connected. His remorse is genuine. He didn't have to confess. I would have never known. It has torn him up for so long that he just felt he had to be honest. He didn't expect forgiveness and it has humbled him to the core.

He is an avoider. It's in his DNA. It's why he cheated, it's why he kept his secret for 42 yrs. Is he a monster? No. Is he a bit damaged? yes. Is it possible that he had to touch the burner only once to learn? Maybe. Whatever it was, I will learn to live with it. But it will be my choice this time.

Good luck Anze.

By "one and done" do you mean one affair and nothing more? Or do you mean an affair that only became physical once? You get married once and that's it? I dont' know if I'm missing something, but I'm not sure I follow.

I don’t men to minimise but if he changed and you have had another good 20 years, can you change the past? Did that affect your husband fidelity after that? What I imagine is affecting you is the idea that he thought he would get away with it and did not think it could create a trauma so many years after AND he did not give you the chance to make your decision whether to stay or to go. That is according to me the major issue.

He made a bad choice but that does not mean the 20 years plus were a fake, they were good also thanks to the choices he made after that.

I don’t men to minimise but if he changed and you have had another good 20 years, can you change the past? Did that affect your husband fidelity after that? What I imagine is affecting you is the idea that he thought he would get away with it and did not think it could create a trauma so many years after AND he did not give you the chance to make your decision whether to stay or to go. That is according to me the major issue.

He made a bad choice but that does not mean the 20 years plus were a fake, they were good also thanks to the choices he made after that.

Trumansworld - What if you had discovered it vs. him confessing it?

less thinking,

Discovered in 1982 or 2024? In 1982 I probably would have left him. In 2024? Idk I don't have enough bandwidth right now to spend on what ifs. Just trying to deal with what is.

Thank you for your replies. I'm truly trying to change my mindset but it is difficult because I've believed this my entire life. I appreciate each of you sharing. I know I'm not alone. He is a good man and has done all the right things since. Now I have to get my head on board...

I don’t know if this will help you.

My H had a 4 year EA in the 90s that he refused to admit to. It kept escalating and I’m certain it became physical but I have no proof. It finally ended. Never mentioned again.

He gaslit and stonewalled me the entire time.

Then he had a midlife crisis affair. He planned to D me to be with the much younger OW. After dday1 I did everything to R. However at dday2 when I learned he was still cheating when I thought we were R, I had enough. I told him I was D him b/c I had no other choice.

I then found out from the OW that he admitted to cheating on me with the first EA (which I’m certain was a PA which he refuses to admit to, even to this day he swears it was never physical).

That has done more damage than his last affair. The first affair occurred before kids. Easier to leave.

So like you I found out something decades later. After a second affair. While we are happily reconciled these past 11 years — it was not a one time thing for us.

But he has changed and is very sorry for his past actions. He has done everything possible to make amends and is truly remorseful.

I chose to live with the person he is now, not the person he once was.

@TheEnd and woundedbear, thank you so very much for your words. They are inspiring to me. I never imagined I'd be in this situation but here I am. I am by no means the perfect wife, but my choices have never been of the magnitude of his which is why I'm struggling. Thank you for your help.

Thank you, @Fantastic. I appreciate your thoughts and words. He did take that choice from me but he knew immediately what he did was wrong and made sure to fix it and never do it again going forward. It's just my stupid brain that has always believed "one and done" that he doesn't deserve a second chance. But the reality is, this happened over 20 years ago and we are not in the same place. However, it's new for me so I haven't had 20 years of processing and working through. Thank you, again, for taking the time to reply. I appreciate you.

I guess I'll add one other thing.

No one is owed a second chance or R. It's truly offensive that he has lied to you for 20 years. While you certainly must be able to reframe things for R to work, it's also possible you can't or don't reframe things within your ethical framework, in which case R might not be an option for you. That's OK too.

Anze

Can I ask how you found out?

My struggle with finding out so many years later is that I have no way of confirming it. Did he change? Did he straighten himself up? He says he did, but there was no accountability. I didn't notice a remarkable change in him. As I said before, I gave him trust and freedom (hunting, fishing, trips to visit his buddy.....) this whole time. By deceiving me for over 40 yrs he has really created a hurdle for me to overcome. I also get alot of I don't know and can't remembers. It's a tough one.

I have been journaling my thoughts. Organizing them over and over. I will sit down with him and we will talk. I'm not so much interested in the "event" as I am in his mindset. Where was he that he could do something so cruel? If we can crack that nut I think I'm good.

Trumansworld,

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Ours are similar. The OW confessed to her H and he approached us. My H has been bearing this weight of guilt and wished he could take it to his grave with him so as to not hurt me but also knew he had to tell me. I think he was truly afraid to tell me because we had grown so much and he knows my mentality of "one and done" and I would leave. All these years I've believed him to be a man of morals and values because of the way he treated and respected me. He did so because he loves me and because he knew what he did was wrong and would never do it again.

I struggled with the deception, the lie by omission, a lot. But logically I know that the past 20 years have not been a falsity. My heart still hasn't accepted that concept but I try and look at it as if I were talking with a friend who is in my situation and I know what I would say. But the heart takes longer to heal.

wondedbear made a good point: "For me, I had to ask the question, "would I be kicking her to the curb because of what other people think, or think of me?" Or "am I kicking her to the curb out of a sense of moral judgement?"". Even though I don't give weight to what others think of me, there is still a bit of what others would think of me for staying after my spouse cheated - weak? naive? I'm neither of those but that is what I have associated with cheating my entire life (and I'm not young anymore so that's a LONG time).

If your husband truly was regretful he probably made a lot of choices in his behavior to be a better spouse but you may not have necessarily seen that because you didn't know it was coming from regret and learning from his bad decision. My therapist recommended journaling as well and I think it has helped. It lets me get my thoughts out of my head and I can revisit them later if I choose to do so. Then I can focus on other areas of healing.

I have not yet forgiven him and doubt I ever will. That, I know, is just me. My view on our relationship has changed and I have lost trust and some respect for him. But then I have to remember this happened over 20 years ago and I have to try and put it into perspective. It's hard to do that, though, because the news of the A is still new to me. I am tired of being angry. But I'm also afraid that if I let the anger go, I'm letting him off the hook for what he did. Again, logically I know that is not right, but my heart right now is not mended. I truly hate this back and forth!

Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. And thank you, to all the others, too. I appreciate the different perspectives and it's opening my eyes to see other views.

Best of luck, Trumansworld. I'm here if you want to chat further.

Anze43 - I think I know exactly what you’re going through. It was your long held belief that if your spouse was caught cheating, the marriage was done and you would separate and divorce. This was your moral code and ‘plan". This is what you mean by "one and done".

Now, you are attempting reconciliation but this contradicts your long held "plan". Suddenly you are not in a battle with your husband, the OW, the OBS or anyone else. You are fighting a battle within yourself. Your heart is at war with your head. Cognitive dissonance at its finest.

These are some truisms. We make plans and God laughs. Or, as Mike Tyson said, "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face".

I understand that you have been fighting this internal battle for 8 months. At least that is what I have gleaned from reading your prior threads. As stated here over and over, it takes 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity, including this war that you are fighting within yourself.

But here is the good news. Ultimately you will resolve the cognitive dissonance that you are experiencing. I have no idea what that looks like but in the end your will resolve this one way or the other. You will heal and go on.

Peace, blessings and prayers to you.

[This message edited by Absolution at 8:14 PM, Friday, April 19th]

I've always been a believer of "one and done" when it comes to infidelity. Now that I'm here, I'm having a hard time changing this mindset.

I’m going to say it a little differently…

I've always had as a part of my identity that I am a "one and done" person when it comes to infidelity. Now that I'm here, I'm having a hard time changing my identity.

You are literally desiring to change your identity.

If you agree, it can make it clear to you why it is so hard to do, but also offers you a path to do so. Got to understand the real problem in order to fix it.

the deception, the lie by omission,

Keep that in mind.

I had the same outlook, I told my future spouse this early in our relationship. "I don't cheat, I don't tolerate it, I won't be involved in cheating." The first woman I dated I dropped like a hot potato when I discovered she was still involved with her "ex" boyfriend, with "ex" = "he lives out of town and I cheat on him".

Why? Well, she had something to tell me that she was embarrassed and very hesitant about letting me know. I had just had a married woman at work trying to get involved with me, and this woman who I was now dating was going to tell me..."I have been married before, I was divorced 5 years ago."

Whew!

But, then, knowing that, and she admitted later that she knew, she cheated anyway. But this was after we had been married 9 years, 4 children, house, cats, dogs, intertwined finances, etc. Then, when confronted, successfully lied for 9 more years. But, our relationship was crippled by her ongoing deception and psychological issues around her actions during the affair. She confessed when I had reached the point of leaving, because of years of trying everything I knew, I had finally accepted that she no longer loved me.

the deception, the lie by omission,

There had been A LOT of this.

She didn't just fuck another guy in our bed, she lied to and manipulated me, to her advantage, to avoid paying an expected personal price for her behavior, minimized, gaslighted, blame transferred, etc.

It never comes out all at once. As you re-examine your life together, decisions, etc, you will have to reassess your decision making, moving forward with each new revelation revealing yet another fork in the road.

You don't really know the "truth" at this point. BUT, you don't have to make any sudden decisions either. Take it day by day, keep asking questions, see where your mindset goes.

My FWS had to grow up really fast in MC.