SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Briefly. My husband had a close relationship with a female colleague for 18 months to 2 years. I called time on them in December without realising how deeply infatuated my husband was. More and more details were leaked during December until it all blew up in January.

We only had two of sessions of couples therapy because the therapist said she couldn't work with DH as he was emotionally shut down. I've now been to a different therapist for about 8 sessions.

We've been together a long time and dearly want to stay together. He is full of remorse and I have been working through my grief but at the moment I continually sabotage any happy times we do have.

I'm bitterly jealous of the relationship they had. She calls it 'close' he says he was infatuated. He was totally enrapt in AP for well over 12 months. I want to storm into work but have to keep quiet so I don't cause a scene.

Then I have to keep quiet because while he is understanding he's also fed up of dealing with the fallout and wants to put the whole thing behind us.

I need to stop the self destruction.

Do they still work together? No contact is a prerequisite of reconciliation. He needs to leave the job and have no further contact with her whatsoever. That should be non negotiable, if he comes up with excuses, however valid they are (like financial ruin) you cannot reconcile and the only sane choice for you is to start the separation process.

...I have to keep quiet because while he is understanding he's also fed up of dealing with the fallout and wants to put the whole thing behind us.

I need to stop the self destruction.

Please stop blaming yourself for not healing and being ready to "move on" just 3-4 months after discovering your husband's longterm betrayal.

Carrying on an affair for a year and a half to two years = thousands of daily decisions to cheat and to keep you in the dark. This was a commitment of time and energy to a girlfriend on the side.

You're just starting down the path to wrapping your head around it all.

He is full of remorse...

He's sorry. Sorry he got caught (sounds like it stopped because you caught on, not because he stopped it on his own).

He's sorry it hurt you. OK.

But remorseful? That implies a willingness to change. It implies a willingness to sacrifice in order to heal and repair that damage.

One counselor says he's emotionally shut down. He says he's "fed up of dealing with the fallout."

Doesn't sound like he's committed to really changing. Doesn't sound like he's committed to supporting what you need to heal and to actually doing the hard work to repairing the relationship.

Affairs are, by nature, self-focused actions. They serve to make wayward partners "feel good" or at least feel better, feel excited, or positive for a short time. Yet, they're selfish because they lack empathy. The wayward is ignoring the pain it will cause their partner. They are ignoring the destruction it will wreak in the relationship. They are ignoring the trauma that will echo for a long time.

Your partner has shown himself to be capable of betraying you--for a long time. He has shown you that he can make shockingly selfish choices.

IMO he is still showing you that he lacks empathy. He wants you to just get over it because it's uncomfortable for him to deal with your pain and with the consequences of what he's done.

Please embrace the idea that he is still not a safe partner to you. He's not committed to you being ok. He's still self-focused.

Distance yourself. Focus on taking care of you. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family.

This man is not your friend.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 3:06 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Trying to be brief bc I'm on my way out but just a few thoughts.

Infidelity is traumatic, it is going to take years to move past your husband's betrayal. Not weeks or months but years.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. The marriage didn't cheat, he did and he should have an individual counselor as well.

Was it an emotional and physical affair? Has he told you the entire truth? Understand cheaters lie and deny and minimize, if there was daily contact more than likely it was a physical affair.

Then I have to keep quiet because while he is understanding he's also fed up of dealing with the fallout and wants to put the whole thing behind us.

I need to stop the self destruction

He's fed up? A truly remorseful spouse will handle everything they have coming, he dropped a nuclear bomb on your lives, he should be begging you to give him another chance, not get defensive or insist you get over it, be willing to answer every question you have repeatedly if necessary, give you access to emails, phone, social media, whereabouts at all times.

Rage is masking hurt, you just boarded this emotional roller coaster from hell, it's going to take a long, long time to manage the hurt, years to be exact. I raged like a freaking lunatic, became a potty mouth, my husband's affair almost broke me and changed me at my core for a very long time. It's all very NORMAL. You are not self-sabotaging, you are trying to process this living hell your husband brought into your lives.

Has he given you a written timeline of the affair?

Also, he should not be having ANY contact with this colleague. None. Ever again. My husband had an affair with a co-worker who worked at another site 3,000 miles across the country, there was no way in hell I'd tolerate any contact with her, even professionally. I insisted he find another job, and he did because he understood he could no longer do his job to the best of his ability. He gave up a 25-year career.

BTW, is this other woman married? If so, her husband deserves to know he is living a lie.

Please don't ever share this site with your husband, and if the other woman is married, you should tell her gently with undeniable proof. The best way to end an affair is to shine the light on it. Never, ever inform your husband if you decide to do this.

There are two good books I suggest your husband read, How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Weekends are a bit slow, others will be along to support you.

Again, so sorry are dealing with this massive betrayal. A big virtual hug to you....

We only had two of sessions of couples therapy because the therapist said she couldn't work with DH as he was emotionally shut down. I've now been to a different therapist for about 8 sessions

This is a really bad sign. One of my issues with couples counselors (generally) is that they have a financial interest in keeping you together and in therapy as long as possible; consequently, many of them deal in false hope that a marriage can be saved even when it’s clear that it’s broken and/or one spouse is checked out.

Please take it to heart that you have an honest, ethical therapist who straight-up told you that your husband was not open and engaged in the process. Many would’ve coddled your recalcitrant husband so he would feel comfy enough to put on a show of doing the work and going to sessions. Most would’ve strung you along indefinitely, at least until their Tesla was paid off.

He "emotionally shut down" in the therapist’s office because he probably recognized that she was going to push him toward being accountable for his actions and that he wouldn’t be able to manipulate her.

You’re not self-destructing, OP… you’re being destroyed by your husband. If he were deeply remorseful, as you say, he wouldn’t be guilt-tripping you for expressing your pain. He wouldn’t expect you to be over it by now.

Instead, he’s using your fear that you will lose him to the OW to keep you silent and complacent.

In short, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:57 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

Sorry can't see how to quote

Yes Jayjaynumb they do still work together. She's due to leave on maternity in June I think.

I have their test messages and phone records. He liked her bubbliness and got sucked in 😭 another coworker told her if anything happened to her htb there would be a queue to take his place and he would be at the front of it. DH who had previously thought "in another life" took this as a sign to "peacock" and became her confidante/best friend.

I want to be less destructive as well, there's no point beating myself up. What's done is done. They both know they were in the wrong. She said she thought a long time about her actions and I think DH is genuine. It was an 18 month/ 2 year Emotional Affair. Her now husband wasn't attentive so she garnered male attention in work. She's now got what she wanted, married in October and pregnant. Hopefully karma will catch up with her. We've been together longer than she's been alive.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're joining us. In the JFO (just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top that are good for newbies. The Healing Library is a great resource and has the list of acronyms we use. One of the good reads is Before You Say Reconcile - Recover! R (reconciliation) is a lot of work and many WSs (wayward spouses) don't have it in them to do the work. There's also another post on consequences.

First, it takes years to heal from an A (affair) and not months. If he doesn't like it, then too bad. He should have kept his word to be monogamous with you.

Please see a doctor and get tested for STDs/STIs because you don't want another long-term reminder of his A. There are some nasty diseases that can turn to cancer. If you're having problems with depression, anxiety or sleeping, please ask your doctor for some meds.

He needs to go NC (No Contact) and find another job. Full electronic transparency, where you have access and passwords. A written timeline. If she has a spouse or partner, they need to know, too.

I'm bitterly jealous of the relationship they had.

I hear you on this one. My XWH (wayward ex-husband) wouldn't give me the time of day, but could spend hours on the phone with his AP (affair partner).

I need to stop the self destruction.

Maybe it's not self-destruction. More likely, it's the TRAUMA you have been through. Please practice self-care and be kind to yourself.

Again, so sorry for the pain you're feeling.

I do hope you're wrong Breakingbad I realise it's early days but would like to stop reliving events and digging for more info.

Annb her now DH also works with them. He knows they were close. Apparently he's even more laid back than DH 🫤

BluerThanBlue Yes she's 30 years experience. I think I've found another one who will take DH on. He's riddled with shame so needs help as well.

Does her husband know about the affair? The wisdom on this forum is that you should tell him.

@Jayjaynumb, he knows they were close but to be honest I don't know if he would recognise it as an emotional affair. One of the first things she complained about was his lack of interest when she (31) wanted to get married and start a family and he was always gaming. So DH picked up the slack 🙄

Thank you leafields for the healing library reference, I will work on 3 go to rituals.

There is a reason you are digging for more information. Your body doesn’t feel like it knows the whole story. Your history was upended- what you thought was up was actually down. And now your brain is trying really hard to figure out what is real and true and what is not. The only way you can do this is to know what reality was. And so your need to dig. There is time when you need to stop digging - but only once you have learned all that you need to know. Until then, your primitive lizard brain doesn’t feel safe and it is trying to understand if there is still a danger or if things are safe.

Another reason is you are trying, consciously or not, to verify what you have been told. When hear the truth over and over, your lizard brain starts to trust that things are safe. Being told it just once does not satisfy the need. BS often ask the same question many many times. Partly because it takes repetition for all the info coming at you to be processed. Partly because you need to see that the story doesn’t change, and it passes your bullsh*t test. (Which will be highly tuned from all of this). Often our gut will tell us what our brain doesn’t yet see- and you will feel the need to keep digging until your gut is satisfied.

Also, how can he expect you to ever forgive him if you don’t know what it is you are forgiving? He wants you to stop in case whatever you find out crosses a line for you. But what we have seen here over and over again is that learning any new information down that road (trickle truth, or TT), is WAY worse than learning it now. Many a Reconciliation attempt has failed due to TT — it is so damaging because it demolishes whatever tenuous threads of trust you had begun to build.

What you call self-destruction is actually trying to protect yourself. If you are still this way 2 years down the road, we might tell you otherwise. But this early, what you are doing is healthy and necessary. Maybe you can try different approaches, but he HAS to be open to answering ALL of your questions without being angry or defensive.

Please find an IC that is versed in trauma. This will help you so much.

he's also fed up of dealing with the fallout and wants to put the whole thing behind us.

Huh didn’t think of that before he got involved with a married woman while himself being married?

You know what self destruction and self sabotage is? Not addressing this and trying to move forward. Which means that he is still capable of being fascinated with the next bubbly girl that he encounters.

What has he been doing for you both to move forward?

Has he sought therapy, is he reading books like Not just friends ( Shirley glass) . Is he making you feel safe ? Is he looking for other jobs? Has shared this with any family or friends?

What are you doing to help yourself? Therapy? Making sure your finances are in order? What are your plans if this happens again? Do you know what divorce or separation looks like in your country/ state? You don’t have to leave him, but you should know what steps you have to take if that happens again.

Your house is on fire. You want to put it out quickly and pretend it never happened. You have to fix what’s damaged and prevent further fires. Right ?

Then I have to keep quiet because while he is understanding he's also fed up of dealing with the fallout and wants to put the whole thing behind us.

So the old clichéd he shot you full of holes and is angry at you for bleeding all over the floor and hurting with it. The selfish entitlement is strong with that one.

He doesn't sound remorseful. He sounds like a teenage that got caught partied and sneaking out all night and telling his parents "it all your fauuuulllllttttt - if you wouldn't have checked on me and discovered my lies I wouldn't be having this meltdown - if you'd just STFU and let me do what I want and believe the lies we could be a happy family." That shit is expected from a dumb ass teen - it is just downright pathetic from a grown ass man.

Tantrum as a form of manipulation with a bit of DARVO thrown in. You are under no obligation to put up with that shit.

And please - if they work together EXPOSE. And if the LTAP is married/involved EXPOSE. This shit thrives in secrecy and darkness. Pro Tip - do not tell that you are going to do this just do it. If they don't like the consequences of their actions too damn bad. It not up to you to fire the warning shot so they can do some pre-emptive damage control.

He's riddled with shame so needs help as well.

Please don't mistake him wanting you to shut up and not talk about what he's done to you for shame or remorse.

He's hoping that if he stonewalls you for long enough, you'll give up and sweep everything under the rug.

Lastly, if they still work together, I can guarantee you that the affair is still ongoing or just in a temporary cooling period. If he were truly ashamed, he would be freshening up his resume and looking for another gig right now.

Very rarely are affairs not physical, when distance isn't an issue.

Married men typically don't get into an affair to be friendly. They're in it for the sex.