SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you ever had to meet the AP?

WH had a LTA, we had a false reconciliation, divorced 5+ years ago and he is now engaged to the AP. We were married for 20+ years and will both be attending a niece's wedding from his side in a few months. I was always on good terms with his entire family. I am invited to the wedding because the bride is my Goddaughter and she personally asked me to attend and be part of the ceremony as well. Naturally, that is a request that is hard to turn down. WH will be there with the AP - turned fiance. This will be the first time I will be coming face to face with her. It will be a small-ish wedding so it's not like I can blend away too easily. I most definitely wont cause a scene or stir up any drama, but what the heck am I going to say to this person?????

When you last spoke were you civil? Would you be comfortable speaking (even a simple hello?). You don't have to if you don't want to and, it's entirely understandable. If you're not wanting to speak, you can acknowledge with a meeting of eyes and a simple nod. Another option of course is to say nothing at all and, if spoken to, be minimalist in your response(s) and seek to detach from interacting as soon as possible.

You attending doesn't oblige you to speak if you don't want to. Would speaking to your goddaughter - and explaining your position - make you feel more comfortable?

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 9:20 PM, Wednesday, April 24th]

WH and I are civil. We share 3 young adult kids and have attended graduations, college move-ins etc together and we text or speak on the phone when we need to. However, none of our meetings have ever included his AP. This is the first time that I have to meet her. I feel it will be more awkward if we purposely try to avoid each other rather than just suck it up and acknowledge one another. I'm just wondering what I should say. I could be snarky and say " Soooo, you're the one eh?" Just kidding. I would rather keep my head held high and not come across as the bitter ex-wife.

I can’t offer any advice, but goodness I feel for you. If you have nothing to say to AP (and WH) I would perhaps go for a nod if your eyes meet, but otherwise steer clear. No need for pretend hugs and small talk.

Of course you’re not going to cause any drama, but I don’t think it should fall on you to somehow ‘be ok’ with the situation and pretend you are all some big happy family. He did an awful thing to you, as did the AP, and they should give you the respect of staying away from you.

But, if you do somehow need to fill an awkward silence with AP / WH, maybe focus on commenting on the wedding? Something like ‘isn’t the bride’s dress beautiful?’ or ‘the flowers are lovely’. Something really neutral and impersonal.

Ugh - I just hate this stuff!!

Maybe this is a good event to meet at. You will probably have many events in years to come where AP will be (weddings, births, etc) so it is probably better to just get this out of the way at an event where you do not have added stressors (like you would if it was your own child's wedding, etc).

You got this. SHE should be the one all stressed out on what to say to you.

Hmmmm🤔.

I’d avoid them both.

If some did those horrible things to your children would you exchange niceties?

And I certainly would not nod at the AP.

A nod is like "you won" to me.

I would however do the classic movie thing-

Look extra fabulous- bring a hot date. And be extra bubbly with the family that already loves me.

They pretended you didn’t matter so why pretend that they do.

Hopefully she won’t be there!!!
I’d try to steer clear of her if possible.
If not, just try to act like she is invisible.

And just breathe. Be very calm.
Hopefully you can bring a friend or a date.

Show up, look stunning, ignore them both.

I was enrolled in a creative residency at a major arts centre a few years ago. Three weeks on the mountain, pure bliss. Then I found out the nastiest and last of his APs was hosting another residency in the same time frame. I'd been lurking on her social media (I know, bad...) so I was emotionally prepared in advance.

Had to see her ugly mug for breakfast, lunch and dinner every damn day. I hung out with my crew and when she saw me coming she'd turn her back so she didn't have to see me. I told everyone in my crew the whole sordid story, so she was getting daggers from them lol.

I'd be hanging outside a building having a chat with someone, and the door would open up and she'd come stomping out to walk by with a dirty look. I ignored, ignored and ignored some more. Did my heart rate go up? Sure. But I resisted every primal urge to make a spectacle despite having many opportunities.

On the last night I got up on stage and sang a song I'd written that finally poured out all the nastiness. She wasn't there, but it was very cathartic to share.

Good luck. You'll be fine. Have fun. The high road is the good road.

The wedding is out of town so I will be going solo. I'm not a wallflower so I will be fine wherever they seat me. Some of my kids will be there but as with past family weddings, the kid cousins usually all sit together. I'm ok with that. One of my daughters has expressed to me that she feels I should not go to the wedding. She says it will cause her and other people to feel uncomfortable. I reminded her that it was her fathers choice to create this situation for all of us and that I am going at the personal request of the bride.
Yes, I am also planning to show up as "fabulous" as I can to help keep my confidence up. My friends already know that they will be on standby throughout the weekend for texts and boosts of encouragement when I need it. I am blessed with a good posse that way.

And don't forget to pack the Bitch Boots.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 3:14 PM, Thursday, April 25th]

I would probably let everyone else know who she really is, if they don’t know already. I’d stay quiet and away from her while watching everyone else stare daggers at her.

One of my daughters has expressed to me that she feels I should not go to the wedding. She says it will cause her and other people to feel uncomfortable.

I find your daughter's comment and perspective unacceptable and wonder who might have helped put her up to it.

@OhItsYou: The family does already know who/what she is. If my presence makes her squirm at the reality of that, oh well...consequences! She has been at other events with his side of the family that I did not attend.

My friends suspect that xWH and the AP are planting the idea in my daughter's head about telling me not to go. Perhaps when I walk onto the scene he and her go from " Friendly Uncle of the Bride and his new fiance" back to " He's the cheater and she's the Mistress". Not my problem.

Show up, look stunning, ignore them both.

And don't forget to pack the Bitch Boots.

This 100%.

And let them stew in any uncomfortable silences. It's amazing what some people will say just to say anything at all.

She says it will cause her and other people to feel uncomfortable. I reminded her that it was her fathers choice to create this situation for all of us and that I am going at the personal request of the bride.

Superb response. Your presence was literally requested for by the bride herself.

If there's any discomfort, it should not be on your shoulders to alleviate it.

Kick a$$ at that wedding. Congrats to your goddaughter on her marriage.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 4:46 AM, Saturday, April 27th]

Hmm, if it were a local event I'd suggest taking the best looking, most charming, guy friend you have.

@trustedg:

Do you know anyone in Denver ?

My ex-husband married his AP and as we had a child together we have been in each other’s lives for many years.

I only found out they had an affair after we split so not sure if that made it easier. She has been a wonderful step mother to my son so even though I don’t love the way they got together I swallowed my pride and get on with her best I can.

A little update:

xWH sent me a text yesterday " Just a heads up" " So you are aware, (AP) and I are engaged and will be attending the wedding together"

I've know that they were engaged for about a year now !! Duh.

My response: "Ok. Old news. So what's the problem?"

His response" No problem. I just wanted to be sure you were aware.

I swear he thinks either he's doing me a FAVOR with this news or he's counting on it scaring me away from going to the wedding.
Apparently THEY are quite uncomfortable with this - all the more reason for me to attend (and pack those Bitch Boots )