SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for letting me in the site just want to share my story and hear what you all have to say

I will try to summarize as much as I can we met online and the first date was on valentine's and she showed up over 4 hours late and drunk and high. We had sex and she promised not to do that again and the next dates she showed up on time and we started dating and it came to light after an episode (drug induced) that she has bpd and schzrio I did my best to understand this but after a year of us together a few days after valentines she reveals she had a fuck buddy she saw almost every time after she saw me and according to her the reason she kept going was he just fucked her rough how she liked it lol typing this now I am just disappointed in myself anyway took some months to patch things up and then she went drinking with a guy friend and fucked him.

There was a constant repeating motif of her coming across guy friends who they had lost contact with and with a little alcohol sex happens and during this time I can never reach her or I get a call of someone crying that they don't know where they are.

I continued to do my best I was not perfect because I started to remember the names of these guys and some of the locations became no go zones for me, I feel like I started accruing insecurities at a rapid pace and today I have a Santa list of things I will never ever compromise on.

Her job was a masseuse and I came to learn that for a few coins well let me just leave it at that. She has a child whom I grew attached to and tried to do the dad role because the boy asked me to be his dad at this time it had become a long distance relationship (not states but countries and ocean) but I was working to get her a passport so that she can visit and stuff, calling me an idiot is warranted at this point but I really wanted this relationship to work.

In March, when I was watching the old Jesus movie one of her old guy friends who lives in her home town (a place she said that I ever have to worry about when it comes to cheating) started chatting with her and they had sex. I tried reaching her the whole weekend and she ignores my call only to send me a message that said sorry or please let me go. I got her on the phone and she admitted to cheating on me after going to a funeral and she made sure to inform me it was raw and I was not a thought in her mind and she regrets nothing. They had also been hanging out without me knowing most likely for weeks.

Just this past week, she said she is picking him and she is in love and she was never in love with me and even sent me voice notes of what I need to change.

Is there something wrong with me? Why do I miss her? I honestly feel blindsided and I feel like I have failed. I am sorry if this does not make sense and I am just writing the highlights or lowlights to me but yeah let me know your thoughts

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. Infidelity is the worst and it takes time to get on a path towards healing.

First, there's nothing wrong with you. You have not failed. Her decisions to cheat are 100% on her. These aren't a mistake, but are conscious decisions she made to lie and cheat. By BPD, do you mean borderline personality disorder (if so, run and don't look back) or bipolar disorder (can be managed with meds and therapy)?

Second, you should be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can be life-long issues or even turn into cancer and end your life. If you have issues with depression, anxiety or sleeping, please see a doctor for some meds. You may not need to be on them forever, but they can help you through the first year.

Third, there are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage newbies to read, as well as those marked with a bull's eye icon. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist would be helpful. Bonus points if they specialize with infidelity betrayal trauma. Realize that healing from infidelity takes years, so this is a marathon and not a sprint. A lot of what you're feeling will be normal in this abnormal situation.

Why do I miss her?

The lovebombing and intermittent reinforcement of people with personality disorders will do this to you. They are so charming and sweet, seem to be so interested and willing to make sacrifices for you. It's really emotional abuse they're perpetrating and they know what they are doing. My XWH (wayward ex-husband) is a diagnosed covert narc. I was always hoping (what we call smoking the hopium pipe) that he would go back to being that wonderful person who really got me and understood who I was. The fact is, he was never that person.

One of the hard things is to realize that the person we thought our spouse or SO was, was really just a mirage or smoke & mirrors.

I'm sorry, ITA. She really hasn't given you much to work with and I think you need to move on.

There is nothing wrong with you.

She is a serial cheater.

First red flag was of drunkeness and finding out she was having sex with someone else.

So sorry, ithrowaway, this woman is toxic and you need to run as far away from her as you can.

and even sent me voice notes of what I need to change.

^^^Not only is she toxic, gently she is delusional. You need to change?

Seek out individual counseling for yourself to figure out why you stayed in this relationship way, way too long accepting her infidelity and abuse.

You deserve better.

She is obviously broken; you did nothing wrong that caused any of this.

I think you may start doing things wrong at this point though because you have a decision to make. Stay with her or fight for her, attempt to be the knight in shining armor or say goodbye and don't look back. If you choose the first option I think you are very likely deceiving yourself in a major way and it will not end well. Is it possible she will change her ways? Yes. Is it at all likely she will change her ways? I think you know the answer to that question.

People who are in affairs get a dopamine rush and it derails their judgement. You are not having an affair but this relationship sounds new and it is probable that you are still getting a dopamine rush from her. Don't let that derail you and your life. Be objective about this and make a good choice with sound judgement.

When a group of people "talk" about painful things we each come with our own life experiences. My experience is from an education and work experience. So I look at her as a client. She is so damaged that there is nothing you can do. She is who she is and does what she does. It makes absolutely no sense from a rational stand point. Whatever she is chasing is ever elusive. She appears not to be able to quiet those extreme urges. If she got intense therapy it would take years. You can love her but you cannot fix her and your entire life is going to be focused on her behaviors. Something about her intensity is pulling you in. She is probably charismatic in the extreme.

I think you need space from her to calm things down for yourself. Once you have some time you will probably recognize just how damaging trying to be with her is to you. You can sympathize but you need to learn how to protect yourself. I suggest IC for you. You need help untangling.

Welcome to SI, sorry she has put you through this. There is nothing to work with here, she seems to invite drama and chaos into her life. You need to hop off the crazy ride. She has done all these things to you, but gives you a list of things to improve. This is a dead end journey.

The first red flag was showing up late and drunk. She is clearly a very broken person and you cannot fix her. You cannot "love" a person to being healthy. She most likely need meds, intensive treatment, and a desire to change. None of that has anything to do with you.
You should get yourself in therapy to help you understand why you stayed with such an apparently broken person, how to identify and run from future similar situations, and being very comfortable being alone. Heal yourself.

If there’s no kids go no contact for life and never look back.

Thank you for all your advice. The thing that is hurting me the most is that she was seeing someone behind my back and did not regret cheating on me in fact she is glad because not and all social media it is her and him on every bio and profile picture.

The feeling of failure is because I feel she will work things with this guy and show him the respect for some reason I never got while I try to build myself up in therapy.

It is just raw and hurts and but I hope in a week to be less emotional. Regarding kids, she has a son who I had been long enough in the life of and even paid fees for this year that calls me Dad. He is not of my body but I feel like I have failed him.

Either way I appreciate the feedback

[This message edited by ithrowaway at 1:35 AM, Sunday, April 28th]

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder, and feels no guilt. It’s essentially the "no moral center or conscience" disorder. It’s a co-morbidity among narcissists and are often used interchangeably. She’s hard to forget because the attention is so good, but the lying and cheating goes along with that. Essentially she will never be loyal to anyone no matter how hard she tries unless she gets into a relationship with an abusive man with similar tendencies and she’s too afraid to leave. Life with her is going to be hard, especially now that she doesn’t have to hide her behaviour from you. If you don’t leave, you’re giving her permission to cheat again. She will do anything she can get away with, you’re dealing with a wild animal in captivity.

When a woman showed up 4 hours late to your first date while drunk and high, why didn't that turn you off immediately?

That's where the work on yourself needs to begin.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:53 PM, Friday, April 26th]

There is a manual that psychiatrists and psychologists use, and it describes personality disorders. The problem is people with serious personality disorders almost never go to therapy. Consequently, those experts, who do deal with this issue, have to take a broad view and then shrink it down, and that’s where the diagnosis is. You describe a woman who has possible sociopathy. She is not an ax murderer, she’s probably not a thief, but her ability to have empathy for you appears to be missing. That can come under narcissism it can come sociopathy. Here’s the thing about personality disorders…they are permanent. About the only one that can have some help is borderline. If you can get enough medication in them to still their anxiety, they can manage life. The rest of them, if truly diagnosed, are train wrecks to live with. They never get better. My husband employed a woman who appeared on the surface to have her act together. It finally dawned on both of us, that she is a sociopath. She had absolutely no guilt. A sociopath, or psychopath, has no guilt. A narcissist loves the sound of their own voice or they are covert narcissist and they are quiet, but both are always the center of attention. We cannot diagnose whatever is the matter with your WS but we know there’s something seriously wrong with her and she’s pulling you down to drown with her. You need to let go of the rope.

Sorry but is this for real or are you just taking the piss?

fhtshop, you have a pm

"When a woman showed up 4 hours late to your first date while drunk and high, why didn't that turn you off immediately?

That's where the work on yourself needs to begin".

Ya think??
That post wins hands down.