SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At 6.5 months out from Dday I have decided to try IC and I go for my first session in a couple of weeks. I had a difficult time initially finding someone who was "equipped" in this particular area. I finally found a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma and infidelity.

Honestly, I’m not really sure what I’m hoping to get from IC or if I will get anything from it. Can you share with me how IC has helped you, maybe it didn’t? What were your personal goals and what did you hope to achieve? How often did you go, for how long did you keep up with sessions, do you still attend counselling years after?

Hi there! I have been in counseling for about three months (not very long). Actually had a session tonight. I’m 7 months out and I will say it has helped a lot. Not because I get told what I want to hear or because it helps with my husbands A. This may be an unpopular statement here but it has helped me see how I’ve been self sabotaging my healing and how I haven’t been focused on myself and my own growth. I walked into counseling only talking about the affair the first 4 sessions and how nothing bad happened in my life before and now I’m digging very deep into my history and behaviors. Do we talk about the A and my H? Yes but she helps me keep the focus on my healing, after all with our without my H , I need to be ok. I walked in thinking she would take my side on the A and tell me I was great and she would validate my feelings. She does stand by me saying the A was wrong and my feelings are validated but she helps me navigate them in a healthy way. When I handle a situation with hate , when I lash out at my H in a way that is abusive , she helps me find ways to be who I really want to be. If that makes sense? She has really helped me see the changes I need to make for myself and my children in my life. She walks me through the nervous system so I can understand my bodies response to trauma , she helps me find coping mechanisms when I want to go bat shit crazy , and she makes me hold myself accountable.

I have serval goals , mostly trigger related and reclaiming territory. my H took his AP on his motorcycle a few times and I really wanted to make him sell it. Instead I had him get a new seat and we are actually going for a ride tomorrow. Another was Mondays , he always saw AP on Mondays. She suggested we do a new ritual , so my H always brings home dinner for the kids and I so I don’t have to cook and I get to look forward to something.
My long term goals are filing away the traumatic memories of the trickle truth and details of the A that he told me. I start EMDR in a few weeks and I’m really loooking forward to this! I also want to reclaim the places my H had sex with his AP but that will be years down the road at least.
Even driving in that direction gives me panic attacks and I take the looooong way to avoid certain hotels.

My expectations were different from counseling , not in a bad way though. It really dug up some stuff I needed to work on for myself and childhood issues that I need to still work through but I know at the end of this , I will be a better person whether I R with him or not. Imagine a best friend telling you what you need to hear , not what you want. That is what I feel I’m getting. I lost myself in my marriage and forgot who I was.

I plan on staying in counseling for a few years and consider it the best self care I have. I used to get stomach issues the first 4 or 5 times I went and I would cry the whole way home. That has eased up a bit now that I’m in a little bit of a better place.
She also has authorization to see our file from MC and our MC has authority to see mine and my H IC session notes. So I feel it is helpful.
I would go more if I could afford it, I look forward to my sessions now.
Hope this helps.

It's excellent that you found a trauma therapist.

IC definitely helped me. I too found a trauma specialist and we did a lot of the work Groot talked about. She helped me take control of my central nervous system and slow myself down (there was a variety of exercises and techniques to do this). Then we'd look at each thought or pain point carefully so I could work my way through the feelings (one at a time) versus being overwhelmed by them.

Once I had a better handle on my anxiety and central nervous system she really pivoted me toward my own healing and growth. Who was I? What did I want and need? How did my past shape me? Does that shaping still serve me? She also had tools and techniques to move me along in that process.

The stronger I felt, the less it hurt to be honest. I mean, it never doesn't hurt, but the more capable I felt, the more centered and valuable I felt (to myself), the more I could distance myself from someone else's actions and bullshit. And man that feels great.

The burden of infidelity (the pain and trauma) can't be undone. We can only get stronger so that bearing it feels lighter. So instead of a boulder on our back, it's a pebble in our pocket.

Groot

"I’ve been self sabotaging my healing and how I haven’t been focused on myself and my own growth." … I believe this is exactly what I’ve been doing too. I’ve been waiting on my WH to "cure me" because he’s the reason I’m riding this roller coaster of emotions, but I know that I’m the one who can heal me and only me (why I want to do some IC).

"my feelings are validated but she helps me navigate them in a healthy way." … This is definitely something I need help with. I’d like to think (given the circumstance) I do fairly well, but I’ve been raging pretty bad lately (again, I know it’s normal). I would love to gain some sort of constructive ways to navigate my feelings and keep them in check more consistently - I know this will take time though.

"so my H always brings home dinner for the kids and I so I don’t have to cook and I get to look forward to something." … This is so great, what a nice idea!

"I lost myself in my marriage and forgot who I was." … THIS!!! For the past 8 years since becoming a mother I have lost myself and identity. I’ve literally wifed and mothered for the past going on 9 years and I’ve lost me. Since the discovery of the A I really have tried to "find me again" and do things I used yo love doing - I put myself on the back burner and it showed.

Thank you for your response. Counselling is expensive. My WH’s benefits cover $1000 a year and we’ve already maxed it out. My plan is to try it on a monthly basis and go from there. I guess we will see how the first session goes … an hour goes by so fast!

TheEnd

"She helped me take control of my central nervous system and slow myself down (there was a variety of exercises and techniques to do this)." … Our MC talks about this from time to time and tries to explain how it works. Hoping I can learn some tools to get it under control more than it is currently.

"Who was I? What did I want and need? How did my past shape me? Does that shaping still serve me? She also had tools and techniques to move me along in that process." … These are some excellent questions to ask yourself. I’m hoping I can find the answers to these.

IC saved my sanity during my H’s affair. He was planning to D me for his mid life crisis much younger other woman.

The OW who was waiting to jump into my shoes. Become an instant "step mom".

I learned so much about myself and it helped me to have a better relationship with my kids.

My IC (a guy) was exactly what I needed - a straight shooter who understood what I needed.

He’s also the guy who convinced me we could R and that my H was really trying to make amends. I just didn’t want to see it because I was planning to D.

I think that I became a better person and learned how to stand up for myself and get what I want without yelling and being crazy.

I learned to say what I mean in a clear calm way and articulate my expectations. I now get what I want because everyone in my family knows I do not bsck down.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:55 PM, Sunday, May 5th]

I am happy you found a decent IC,

I used the MC we had before I discovered my wife's affair, it didn't go well and the struggles that continued are relevant today.
R can happen but yes, don't use any MC to be the IC for both of you.
As a man it takes a different dimension for us and no doubt this has been expressed to you by now.

Understand...you did nothing wrong to cause actions from someone you can't control. It wasn't you who chose for your spouse.

It is upon your spouse to make the better attempt to get the M back on tract.

I wish you well.

Happy for you, Groot!

I had a similar experience with my therapist who, because of her focus away from the affair and even away from the marriage, helped me change my life.

Wishing you continued success in your healing!

My IC helped me manage my emotions and figure out ways and to self-regulate. They also gave me a forum to talk about the A every way that I wanted to: Rage or tears or wishful thinking. But after a little while, turn to healing me. And as the shock wore off, I was able to see how our marriage was not serving me well, even when he wasn’t cheating. And I started to take back my power, my power to heal myself, my power to change how I interacted with everybody around me. It helped me to see what I want, and who I am clearly, and to see where I lost track of that somewhere along the years. And as a bonus side, I saw some things about myself that weren’t great, and I’ve been able to work on those. Both realized how I developed those traits, and then change them.

One fun thing about infidelity is that it exacerbates any other issues or traumas that you have buried inside you. So on top of the trauma of the A, you have to deal with whatever wounds that it brought up. But the good part is that you can heal those as well, and come out a more healthy, happy person, regardless of what happens to your marriage.

One thing to note, you may or may not connect well with this therapist. Don’t be afraid to change If you don’t really feel like you’re getting things from this one after a while. it does take a few sessions To get the rhythm and trust, But if you don’t feel that happening, you can change therapists. I’m actually on my third therapist, because I found that each one served a purpose, but wasn’t forever. but if you don’t feel that happening, you can change therapists. I’m actually on my third therapist, because I found that each one served a purpose, but wasn’t forever. (And yes, I am still in therapy, but that is by my choice. I have stopped a couple times and then come back when they were more things that I wanted to work on nothing to do with the affair.)

Best of luck!