SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone. This might be a bit long winded, I apologise. I'm sorry if it's in the wrong section, I wasn't sure where to post it. Please feel free to move it to a more relevant section if needed.

I started a new relationship last year. We met online. We met in person a couple of times before deciding to start a relationship. During the time before this I was always aware of a person he would meet for "coffee dates" every Saturday. The first time he told me about this he said it was a man, later down the line he told me it was a woman. Alarm bells immediately start going off in my head, but I didn't question him about it, as we are in a "situationship" at this point. Fast forward to the day we decide to make the relationship official. The first question he asks me is "would you be okay with me continuing to see my friend for coffee every Saturday?". I then felt well within my right to ask him questions about the nature of his relationship with her. I asked him if she was an ex, he said no. I asked if they'd had a sexual relationship, online or offline. He said no. He told me she was "just an old co-worker he meets to catch up with and she is married". His actual response to the question of sex was "No, that would be inappropriate and against my morals" (thinking about this response still pisses me off to this day). I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust what he told me, and stupidly agreed that he could meet her, because I didn't want to seem controlling.

Fast forward again to Friday. He's acting weird. He is saying things like "just because it's my usual Saturday, remember that you're the one for me". I thought this was an odd comment to make out of the blue. If nothing was going on, why would he need to reassure me like this? It's the next day. His behaviour is off. I know something is wrong and I know it's related to that woman. He finally breaks and admits he's had an extra marital affair with her which started in 2019, but claims it ended in 2020. Despite the fact that they have been continuing to meet and communicate in secret without her husband's knowledge. He also admits they had phone sex earlier in the year. She also owned a spare set of keys to his car (why? who knows, he wouldn’t even explain why). We had a massive argument which led to me threatening to tell the husband, because he continued to lie to me (trickle truth) even during the argument and hide things that I wanted to know. He also gaslighted me, accused me of "digging into his past" and "being controlling". Despite me having done neither. He agrees to stop contacting her and blocks her social media. We didn't speak for an entire day to let the dust settle. I decide to continue the relationship on the basis that he told me about the affair and agreed to stop communicating with her. We've moved on from it, but I still can't help thinking about it and even worrying that he's still secretly in contact with her.

I also want to make some notes about her. She was extremely abusive (emotionally and occasionally physically) towards my partner. She lied constantly, manipulated him, hid a pregnancy from him and claimed to have had a miscarriage, and physically assaulted him in public numerous times. Yet he still continued his affair with her despite her abuse. I made the point to him that if she's abusive to him, her abuse towards her husband is probably 100 times worse. He said he "didn't give a shit about her husband". I thought this was a disgusting comment to make, and it really displayed his lack of empathy in regards to the effect his affair might have had on the husband. I also made it a point to remind him that the way she treated him was a direct reflection of how she probably treats her husband, and that she was just using him anyway and obviously had no intention of leaving her husband to be with him, considering her actions/behaviour. He did not like this. This all happened last year. Since then we have had a few heart felt, open and honest discussions about the affair and I have tried to make him see his affair in a different light, from a different perspective. He genuinely seems remorseful now about what he has done and has gone out of his way to make amends.

I'd like to hear some honest thoughts and views on my story, please. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:56 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

[This message edited by Moomin68 at 7:10 PM, Friday, May 17th]

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but glad that you found us.

This man has been lying to you and cheating on you for your entire short relationship. I think the important thing to focus on is why you're even considering staying with him. What's in you that's saying "That's not a dealbreaker. I can work with that"?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 7:00 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

I don't understand how to reply to specific people on this forum so I'll just reply to the thread.

We got together last summer and the affair admission came the day after we started our relationship. I told him I could not have a relationship with him if he couldn't end whatever this affair was. I haven't actually found or noticed any signs or evidence of cheating since then. We've been together nearly a year.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:56 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

[This message edited by Moomin68 at 7:10 PM, Friday, May 17th]

Fast forward again to Friday.

I saw that and assumed that you meant last Friday. My bad.

No problem. I understand the way I wrote the post is a bit confusing.

Your foundation of your relationship was built on lies, and he was cheating with a married woman, and instead of working on it you both rug swept it. Doesn’t matter it was a day or
so after you became official, surly long before that it was clear where your relationship was headed.

Did you actually see the abuse? Granted it’s more common for a cheating spouse to claim abuse as an excuse for cheating, it’s definitely not out of the realm for him to be lying about it in order to get sympathy for his atrocities. Yes, he lied about having sex while stringing you along, it isn’t a far stretch to make her out to be awful and he is the victim.

What has he done to show he is a safe partner? Does he have accountability? Does he hide his phone? Can you check his messages SM without drama? Does he willingly share his location at all times? Do you both talk about it and he allows you to say anything and not get defensive? Did you tell her BH? These steps are not "controlling" but show transparency. People who have nothing to hide don’t care about sharing this information, and it’s normal for a healthy relationship in my opinion. Even before my WS A we had all of this, other than location sharing.

On that note, and I take this personally, the BH should know. Not as a form of revenge but because it’s the right thing to do. In my situation, APs W divorced him over his A with my W, and never bothered to let me know. Oh and AP was also "abused" by her and she was an awful cruel woman blah blah blah. Turns out, AP is an abuser and hurt my child. Would have been nice if his ex had given me a heads up instead of making assumptions.

My story isn’t yours, but if you read enough on here it’s amazing how many people claim abuse from their partners to justify cheating. It’s like infidelity bingo.

If he hasn’t done anything I listed above,

Thanks for replying, HellIsNotHalfFull. (I still can't understand how to reply to posts).

I'd like to respond to some points you raised. We didn't "sweep it under the rug". We still have conversations about the affair, he's willing to answer my questions about it and give me clarity, he clears up my concerns, etc.

As for the abuse, no. He had been documenting her abuse to him in a diary he kept over the years, which he showed to me, so I don't think he lied about the abuse. I did consider that he might be using it to garner sympathy, but when I saw the diary I was legitimately shocked and disgusted at her treatment of him.

He doesn't hide his phone, he gave me his login pin. However, he does not let me look at his messages. He says because "I have a right to privacy" which I can't really argue against. If by "BH" you mean her husband, no I haven't. It would cause more problems for us, and I fear the backlash to me personally. I don't know these people and I don't know if they could be potentially dangerous or pose a threat. Even though I think he deserves to know, judging by what was written in my partner's diary, it is highly likely that he already knows about it anyway. They also have a child, so if they're trying to keep their marriage together despite her infidelity, it would be a very bad idea. She would lose her job and the child would suffer as a result.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:57 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

[This message edited by Moomin68 at 7:11 PM, Friday, May 17th]

He doesn't hide his phone, he gave me his login pin. However, he does not let me look at his messages. He says because "I have a right to privacy" which I can't really argue against.

You've only been committed for a year and aren't married, so I don't find this particularly disturbing, but I do find it telling. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

That's true SacredSoul33. But in a relationship, you also cannot force somebody to show you what is on their phone. He lets me use his phone and I have access to it, I just personally choose not to read his messages.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:57 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

[This message edited by Moomin68 at 7:11 PM, Friday, May 17th]

No, you can't force him to do anything, but you can decide if disallowing access to his prior mode of conducting his A is a dealbreaker. Evidently, it's not for you, which makes sense because you're not (I assume) financially entangled with him. It's different for a married BS, since marriage is a financial arrangement as well as an emotional one.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:40 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

Personally, as he lied about his affair him expecting "privacy" is a concern. Messages to his best guy friends, I can understand that to an extent. Messages to other women would be more of a question you can answer. However I agree with SS in that you’re not married so don’t have financial entanglement. I would argue though that if there is a potential of this going more serious that married couples forfeit some level of privacy.

I still feel strongly that the husband should know, he can’t really rebuild a marriage without knowing the truth. To include a pregnancy that may not have even been his child! How cruel.

He has shown me messages that I have asked to see in the past, sometimes he has refused. I choose not to look at his messages mainly for the sake of myself. Once you start invading your partner's privacy, it becomes an "addiction" that you cannot stop. I'd simply just rather not.

As I stated previously, I believe the husband already knows due to what was written in my partner's diary. Their child blew the affair out into the open by telling his father something, which caused the AP to phonecall my partner and accuse him of "causing a rift in their marriage". This tells me that the husband already knows of the affair to some degree. A miscarriage (if she really had one) would have been difficult to hide from her husband. For that reason I personally believe she had an abortion, as that would've been easier to hide. A miscarriage lasts for hours, is extremely painful and sometimes requires hospital treatment. In the early months of their affair, she had also told my partner that she would not tell him if she got pregnant, which means she had no intention of keeping a child that potentially belonged to him, making the likelihood of her having an abortion (as opposed to a miscarriage) much higher.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:57 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

[This message edited by Moomin68 at 7:11 PM, Friday, May 17th]

Ug, what a completely vile woman. I hope her H knows the full extent of what he is married to.

I understand the feeling of not wanting to check SM/Messages. I was relentless at it in the first year, and I of course caught AP under a fake account trying to make contact, so that didn’t help.

I argue that it’s not checking or reading them that’s important, it’s the willingness. Where I am in R, I honestly rarely check. I will on occasion, but I don’t feel the need to. What matters more is W will show me without hesitation any one I have an issue with. Again, if your partner is having messages with other women and is refusing to show them to you, I would advise you to proceed with extreme caution. Actions matter, words from someone who had no issues lying about some major things are worthless even at a year out.

Clearly you had good instincts before he disclosed. I would say hang tight to them and trust your gut.

The things that woman did are beyond vile. They are things that only someone who is completely absorbed with their own self interests and gratification, with NO regard to the consequences, can do. She did not tell my partner until a year after the miscarriage/abortion, and she did it while drunk and told him to "sweep it under the rug". A statement that I explained to my partner, means she had ZERO concern over his or her husband's feelings in the matter. Only concern over herself.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:58 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

[This message edited by Moomin68 at 7:11 PM, Friday, May 17th]

Cut and run. Tell OBS.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise: (I'm going to be blunt.)

1. Inform the affair partner's husband. He deserves to know he is living a lie

The first question he asks me is "would you be okay with me continuing to see my friend for coffee every Saturday?". I then felt well within my right to ask him questions about the nature of his relationship with her. I asked him if she was an ex, he said no. I asked if they'd had a sexual relationship, online or offline. He said no. He told me she was "just an old co-worker he meets to catch up with and she is married". His actual response to the question of sex was "No, that would be inappropriate and against my morals" (thinking about this response still pisses me off to this day). I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust what he told me, and stupidly agreed that he could meet her, because I didn't want to seem controlling.

^^^He's been lying since the start of your relationship.

2. Run Forrest Run and never look back. Not only has he shown you who he is, he's been having an affair with a married woman.

He also admits they had phone sex earlier in the year. She also owned a spare set of keys to his car (why? who knows, he wouldn’t even explain why). We had a massive argument which led to me threatening to tell the husband, because he continued to lie to me (trickle truth) even during the argument and hide things that I wanted to know. He also gaslighted me, accused me of "digging into his past" and "being controlling".

^^^Gently, he's full of sh*t. Cheaters lie and minimize and gaslight. If they were in close proximity, they had sex. Keys to his car?

Once you start invading your partner's privacy, it becomes an "addiction" that you cannot stop. I'd simply just rather not.

^^^I think you're in denial. Plus he isn't willing to be completely transparent, a huge red flag.

You deserve so much more, a man who is honest and transparent and faithful. Not a lying cheat.

Perhaps find a good individual counselor and figure out why you would ever think about hanging onto this relationship.

Hey Ann. I cannot and won't contact the husband, for reasons I've stated previously. I believe he already knows of the affair anyway. I know it sounds selfish of me on the surface, but I am truly scared of the backlash if I did.

He did lie at the start of the relationship, but he also made the admission shortly afterwards because the guilt was too much for him.

As for the keys to his car, sex is the only reason I can think of as to why she would own those keys. She has her own car. So he must've given her the keys so she could gain easy access to his car without being seen getting into the car together when they wanted to have sex, likely after work (they worked at the same company and live nearby so most likely parked their cars in the same car park). I just can't think of any other reason why. If anyone reading this has been in an affair and can explain this to me, I'd appreciate it.

Btw, he claimed they stopped having physical sex in 2020, just before the pandemic.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:58 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

[This message edited by Moomin68 at 7:12 PM, Friday, May 17th]

He lied about her being a women.

He lied about the nature of their relationship, denying that they had had sex.

He does not care about having a secret sexual relationship with a married women.

There isn't much to work with here.

I also want to mention that the reason I made this post is because I'm considering ending the relationship. He made the admission in the beginning of our relationship which is why I decided to continue it and give him a chance. Some if you might think that's stupid, and that's fine.

I think the relationship is standing upon broken pillars that are ready to collapse at any point. I wanted to see if it was possible to for us both to move past it, it seems like he has, but I haven't. I don't seem to be able to let it go.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:58 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

[This message edited by Moomin68 at 7:12 PM, Friday, May 17th]

Nobody thinks you've stupid!! Lots of us gave second chances and ignored red flags.

"I think the relationship is standing upon broken pillars that are ready to collapse at any point. I wanted to see if it was possible to for us both to move past it, it seems like he has, but I haven't. I don't seem to be able to let it go."

Trust you gut.