SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Seeing AP for 18 years. Went through highs and lows but were nicely settled in the past few years, saw each other most week days. I split with my BS, not because they found out, but because he was abusive, but AP had a BS with a life limiting condition and they couldn't see how to leave their BS without causing their adult children to return home to become a carer. Last week I was working and had an incredibly weird sensation and feeling about AP. They didn't contact that night but were expecting a visitor so I thought nothing of it. No word Monday which is hugely odd, I did some online stalking and knew something had happened. Had it confirmed by a mutual friend yesterday that AP died suddenly around the same time I had my odd feeling - I sent a message to our dummy number at the time so I know I haven't made it up. But now I don't know how to cope. No one in my life knows about AP. I have to work, look after my kids, go about my normal life and inside I am screaming. I am utterly heartbroken. I know this is the price I have to pay for loving and being loved by him but it hurts so bad.

Hi,

I am sorry that you are in pain. I understand the pain you are talking about. This board is more about how to recover and stay out of infidelity. And after all that has happened maybe that is your intent?

Try and be good to yourself during this time. Try and think about what things you might enjoy spending more time doing. You are going to need some simple joys to help anchor you over this hard time. I don’t know if you have resources but it would be great if you could get to therapy because I think you need to find someone in real life you can talk to that can help you cope.

Journaling is helpful to get clarity as well. And I always say try to do a gratitude practice to begin to fill the void in your life. Take walks or do some other form of exercise so you can release some of your angst. I am sure with what you are feeling all this sounds very unhelpful right now. But these are all ways to deal with stress and to have time to think about your future and happiness. You need to build a deeper relationship with yourself so that as you move on from this perhaps your next relationship will be healthier and not in the context of where you can’t tell other people about him.

I am not sure if this site can help you but there are anonymous sites that are more supportive of grieving the AP, or being more supportive in the phase you are in now. This site focuses more on getting out of and staying out of infidelity. I know you are just looking for folks to talk to, and I am not shooing you away. I am more trying to direct you towards further resources if you don’t find enough support here.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:06 PM, Friday, May 17th]

Devastatedandgrieving,

I am so very sorry for your grief and pain. I agree with hikingout in that SI may not be the right place for you, certainly not right now. I would look into grief counseling.

Regarding your loss:
* Deal with your grief first.
* Know that you will make it through this, and it will get better. (I know that doesn't help much right now, but when things get bad, keep it in mind.)
* Take care of yourself. You've experienced a great loss. It is supposed to hurt for now.
* Make sure you have a support system setup. It's okay to lean on others.
* Do not make any big decisions (financial, medical, situational) right now. If needed, ask people you trust to help you.

Regarding your infidelity:
I'm not sure everyone here would agree with me, however... I'm not sure if you really are cheating. Don't get me wrong, I assume from your comments that you are probably still legally married, and so being with someone else is legally infidelity. And it may have started out as an affair. However, you also mentioned that you moved out and are no longer with your spouse. If you made it clear to your husband that you no longer want to be with him, that you were leaving him, and he understood that also meant the possibility of you seeing someone else... then he had every opportunity to say, "No. Wait. Stay. I'll work on this." or "GTFO and divorce." Either way, you are not living together and not sleeping together, and physically and emotionally separated, and he is/was at least tacitly agreeing to the situation. This is just my opinion, of course, but I think leaving and moving out is a clear marriage separation. Legality aside, I feel that morally, you ended the marriage, and if so, then it's not infidelity. It's you getting on with your life without him in it.

I hope you find peace in all of this. My advice to you is go be someone you love. You no longer have to carry the guilt or burden of infidelity or secrecy. If you can get divorced, you might want to proceed. Start fresh. Learn to be you without a "him" for a while. Get some counseling if you can. Between the abusive husband, the illicit boyfriend, and the double life lived (I assume) for some time, you have a lot to unravel and deal with. You have the time now. So go deal with it. When you come out the other side of this, you will love yourself more and know joy again, no matter how impossible that may seem right now. If you do meet someone special again, you can enter the relationship more confidently, knowing that you have healthier boundaries and better relationship skills.

One last thing, two books I can recommend:
The book of forgiving - by Desmond Tutu
Rising Strong - Brene Brown