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I woke up thinking today would be a "good" day. I had planned to take my youngest to church and to dinner and just make my soul happy again.

As the day went on I became increasingly anxious and sad. I mean my goal was to end the night with a movie with my H and maybe cuddles with the babies.

Work was good. I cleaned , got laundry caught up , even delivered some thank you letters.

3pm hits and I spiral. I freaking lose it.

I cry because I’m confused , nothing went wrong today! Then it hits me , I was ok the last few days because it was raining and dreary. I used to have seasonal depression but ever since my H affair summer is my least favorite season , where the hell is fall and winter! My H had his affair mostly outside in the woods under the beautiful sky and sun and I freaking hate it now.

So where am I? At the gym , without my child working out trying not to cry and I’m going to church alone.

I can’t wait for the sun to go the fuck down.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 10:15 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

There are some triggers that we can avoid, but a beautiful day isn't one of them. It's time to get to work on reclaiming the sun and sky for yourself. XOXO

Reclaiming used to be a big topic on here back in my early days, but I don't see much about it anymore. Basically, you decide that you're not going to surrender something that triggers you to the A or the AP. You're taking it back.

I did this with the restaurant where my H started his A because it was also a place that we used to go often, and I wasn't going to let that bitch have it. I reclaimed bands; I reclaimed my status as his wife in their workplace by taking him to lunch often; I reclaimed the fast-food restaurant that bears her name because I like their Frosties. (I didn't reclaim Motel 6. She can have that.)

Put on your She Ra crown and cape and push through the trigger. Lie in the sun and claim the warmth for yourself. Admire the blue sky and tell them that they can't have it, it's yours. Cry, scream, write poetry about it if that's your thing. Just take it back.

And know that it will get easier with time. Triggers will dissipate and lose their power. I promise. Some of them might require effort, some of them will just gradually lose their oomph, and some of them won't be worth reclaiming.

Hugs.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:47 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

I can’t really add a lot to the great advice sacred just gave.

My husbands affair was in our house. I used to love that house, but I could sell it and never go back. Which is what I did. So I am not great at reclaiming, though like sacred I know there have been some really great posts on this. I think you can search for them but I am not well versed on that. Maybe someone can chime in or even provide some post links.

I am sorry this ruined your day. But I hope tomorrow you think of something again to help fill your soul. Something to feel excitement over. That’s a great step forward for you, and it’s important to recognize that even when you immediately go two steps backward. Keep trying to move in that direction and celebrate your small wins. When it comes to the steps backwards, good for you for sitting with those feelings too, it may not feel like it but when you honor all these things it’s sort of like tending to a garden. And, long as you keep trying you will find those things that light you up without triggering you, and through that you will find a way to overcome the other things that do. You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. Bonus points for exercising even if it’s indoors- it’s a great way to get endorphins and self care is a way of loving yourself. Keep going!

If my H had his affair in our home it would be gone too. That would be way too much for me so I get it. My H traded in my van for a nicer vehicle and he bought a new car. He claimed she was never in either but he did drive them to meet her and he wanted them gone. He did this all on his own and got me back my sexy mom car we had before I had four kids, this one has bucket seats so score
He has a motorcycle he drove her on a few times that I told him I was ok with him keeping but he had to clean it and replace the seat , sounds stupid but it meant something to me. He did, his dad knew about my request and why and he got one that was comfy for me.
Reclaiming territory is part of my individual counseling, but I’m nowhere close to it. I work for a company that has to deal with clients from surrounding cities and when I hear the city that they always went to I get anxiety and it happens quite often. I have seen it start to get a little better like sometimes I won’t even notice it but most of the time I do. I have pictured myself going to the place that they went to have dinners all the time or even the street and every time I think about it, I want to get sick. I know that I can’t avoid it forever, but right now my mental state is nowhere close to being able to go around it. I won’t even go to the restaurant in our city that is forbidden in our home and it’s sad because we all love it.
he has mentioned taking me to the place where they had sex all the time outside and I told him not anytime soon if at all. I just don’t think I could ever stood where they stood?! Sick.

I am starting to learn to sit in the pain, but I’m telling you what as most of you know it is horrendous. I let myself cry. I go to bed early. I listen to music that helps me cry and get it out, but I just feel like it’s never ending. The gym and church are my safe place right now it’s the two places that really help me get my feelings together and I’m gonna continue staying in those spaces.

You both have been really helpful. I don’t even know what I was really looking for when I made that post. I just wanted to vent. I just feel like so much stuff has been taken from me and I’m losing precious moments with my children who are so small because I can’t get it together. I hate him and her for that, they are the casualties here. I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing, all I want is to not feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.

My first year was spent having many days I got in the shower with a full day of plans and ended up crying on the bathroom floor for hours. It's just amazing that all this could have happened and that there's no good choice. R has consequences; D has consequences.

I still have days where if something goes wrong, even something very minor, my mind immediately jumps to the infidelity and I cry all the way home.

Revenger

I can so see it. It is horrible what has happened to us.

I told my H last night when I got home that I would no longer be telling him any of my plans for the day until 3pm. I wake up with such good thoughts and hope and the more that the infidelity sits in my brain the more I curl up inside myself and I want to be out of my body.

I messaged him last night on my way home telling him that our whole life is falling apart and his response was "No, we are getting stronger." And maybe we are? Maybe our pain shows up in maturity and emotional growth later, that is my hope anyways.

He is growing, he is changing , he had his whole world flipped upside down , he dropped the porn, dropped social media and he feels like a brand new man, all the while it took him destroying me to get there.

I feel like so much of my joy has been stolen, by a name, a stupid city, or even the mention of a certain date.
I know triggers get better over time but mannnnnnn do they suck while everything is fresh.
Sometimes he will have his shirt off and I will want to throw up because I know she touched his body... stupid.

I am starting to learn to sit in the pain, but I’m telling you what as most of you know it is horrendous. I let myself cry. I go to bed early. I listen to music that helps me cry and get it out, but I just feel like it’s never ending. The gym and church are my safe place right now it’s the two places that really help me get my feelings together and I’m gonna continue staying in those spaces.

I think that's a really good idea. You're still in the very early stages and what you're experiencing is completely normal. I made playlists (okay, CDs; it was a long time ago lol) that I would listen to on a loop. One was sad songs. One was angry songs. "Break Stuff" was my favorite, and I still know every word. If I ever work up the nerve to do karaoke, it'll be that song, which will be hilarious because I'm old. I might end up going viral if someone films it.

Sometimes he will have his shirt off and I will want to throw up because I know she touched his body... stupid.

Okay, this is weird, but I Googled how long it took for a body to slough off skin and grow new skin. It's about a month. It helped me to know that she hadn't touched any of his new skin. I hope it helps you, too.

It's really hard to deal with the unfairness of infidelity. The WS, if they're doing it right, is waking up and growing and changing and feeling so much better, while we get to deal with the trauma. But you're right - there's a big growth opportunity for us, too. It's bittersweet and it takes a while to get past the big pain, but like Dolly said, "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

I messaged him last night on my way home telling him that our whole life is falling apart and his response was "No, we are getting stronger." And maybe we are? Maybe our pain shows up in maturity and emotional growth later, that is my hope anyways.

Groot, my H would/still does say those things too! Like he's manipulating me into believing things are better than they are. I mean, they are better, but when I'm feeling triggered and I want to talk about it, I don't want the perpetrator to tell me everything is fine now, I just want him to apologize for his past and acknowledge the pain he's caused.

It feels a little like rugsweeping and trying to shut down the conversation.

My H is a cheating renaissance man, so this not to diminish how far he's come. But it still shows he's not and maybe never will be in a position to fully understand the harm he's done.

Groot, Still early days so these roller coaster days are 100% normal.

I echo the reclaim post by SS. It took time and a few tense outings, but I’ve reclaimed most of the places that he was at with her.
there are some I had to let go (and **thankfully?** our house burned down, so that took care of that).

One thing that helped was to take them back with friends. The place he spoiled with his nasty AP, my friends helped me reclaim with laughter and new memories. Others I took back with brute force. Remember crying to my brother that my WS ruined my favorite taqueria. My brother rallied and was like "take back the good burritos. You DESERVE the good burritos!". It was funny and I took back my damn burritos. I won’t claim I enjoyed them the first couple of times, but after a few tries I loved them again.

He doesn’t get sunny days. You DESERVE sunny days. Take them back. Make this the summer that you reclaim summer.

This stuff sucks, and I am sorry you are going through it.

Revenger

I definitely do not want to rugsweep that is for sure.
He will talk to me in length about the affair if I wanted to but I think I am also to the point I DO NOT want to talk about it anymore, not the details or where his mind was because by now I know that. I know there will always be details he wont remember or things that I will never know.
I don't know if that is normal or what. I still feel pain , I still think about it 24/7 but I want my husband to talk about what he hates about what he did, what he wants in our future, what he has learned so far and that he will always work on getting better inside.
In my H mind I believe he feels we are getting stronger, we both have changed huge things and the porn was a huge emotional blocker for him to connect with me, he is so different in the bedroom and in how he shows up with me but you are right. When I am getting triggered or upset instead of him saying "we are getting stronger" I am going to ask him to ask how he can help me or what I need. OR if he wants to talk to me about us getting stronger, he can give me details and what he thinks is moving us towards the light, I think that will be better than him trying to reassure me with how HE feels.

Sacred

Okay, this is weird, but I Googled how long it took for a body to slough off skin and grow new skin. It's about a month. It helped me to know that she hadn't touched any of his new skin. I hope it helps you, too.

THIS^ This actually helped a ton! thank you! IDC if it is weird lol wtf isn't weird in infidelity, not a damn thing. Thank you!

Also, how often should he be bringing it up on his own?
He apologizes to me a lot, in the morning, at night before we go to bed and he listens to me all day and we talk about my feelings a lot.

He is making huge changes though, he is moving forward from what i can see, is this enough?

How often does your WS bring up the affair and what sparks it?

What do you think? Is it enough? It sounds pretty good to me, but only you get to decide.

In the early days, my didn't bring up the A unless he needed to tell me about attempted broken NC. Lord knows that I was bringing it up often enough, and he wanted to let me lead the way and not trigger me to think about it when my brain was giving me a rare break. Like you, I was talking about it with him every day, extensively.

I think he is for the most part.
I think that he does avoid bringing it up because he is afraid I willspiral and when I spiral it is baddddddd. He doesn't ignore anything when i bring it up. I am still at the stage where I ask the SAME questions over and over again on loop repeat and I even asked him "arent you tired of me yet?" I emotionally and mentally exhaust myself all day and he never even shows he is upset.

"Why did you do this?"
"How could you do this to us?"
"You have ruined our lives"

I am finding more constructive ways to bring the A up if needed because I know that neither of us will heal if I keep him in the shame box, he has made changes

1. quitting his job
2. changing his friend group
3. deleted all social media
4. Passwords/ accounts all open for me
5. tracker on phone
6. porn blockers

I dont want to defend but I also dont want to ignore what he has done, it is such a hard balance. I know that if I keep knocking him down every step he takes up he will never heal... There has to be a point where I stop trying to knock him down every time he brings up something good he has done or progress we have made.

I have to sit on that question and ask myself what else i need to see, I feel like I am trying to find these magical words that will heal me and IDGAF about what he is doing as much as I should? All so damn confusing