SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know we have had many discussions in the past about rings. I have a bit of an offbeat one and I am hoping that I can get some ideas to work from.

After my affair, we took our rings off. Well, I took mine off, he never wore his, I don't even think he knows where it is. That ring I took off belonged to his mother, so it's super sentimental, but he told me at the time I didn't deserve to wear his mother's ring. She was a lady through and through and has since passed. I used to hope one day to put it back on, if he ever felt ready for me to do so. Now, I don't really know that it's ever going to be appropriate to do so, it definitely wouldn't be something I feel is fair to ask. I mean his mother loved me and I loved her, but this was her ring with his father who passed before we met and the fact. I simply have long since ruled that as not an option. One day, it will be passed on to one of our kids because that was her wish.

Fast forward, he surprised me with a new one. I am thinking it was around year two? It was a simple band, but it meant a lot to me because it signaled to me it meant something to him for me to wear a wedding band again. Anyway, fast forward to my finding out about his affair and this ring was given when he was hot and heavy in it. So, when I found that out, I threw it at him and told him I didn't want his "I'm guilty of having an affair so I am making myself feel better" ring. Because fuck that.

Okay, anyway, we eventually went away on the RV, traveled for a couple of years, and we were out having adventures that you wouldn't really wear a ring through a lot of it. My hands swell and we were always in hot weather, hiking, kayaking, biking, etc. And one day we were in an outdoor store and got some of those rubber type bands people wear to the gym. We still didn't really seem to put them on with any regularity and we were always together.

Now I am back to work (and sitting alone going through online trainings meant for people out of college so you are hearing from me more than normal, hopefully they will give me actual work soon) Anyway, I have been thinking that because my affair was with a colleague, that it would probably be a good habit to wear a band to work. I have been wearing the rubber one consistently for that reason but I don't like how it feels especially when I am typing. So, I am trying to figure out what I want to do. I plan to talk to him about it, I am not thinking of getting a diamond or anything so it's really not a financial thing.

I don't want the guilt ring, and I don't really want to put him in a position where he has to go along with me putting back on the other one. This sounds really stupid, but I have now have so many different feelings about all the rings I own, yet approaching him to say let's go buy me another one for some reason is not coming out easily. I don't think it's being avoidant, I think it's being unsure of what I really want to ask for, not wanting to overstep, but I think I want it to mean something other than just I should put it on because I am going to work. I don't know if that makes a lick of sense to anyone but me. I just want to prepare a little before having the discussion because I am a little afraid of tainting another ring.

I oscillate between that and not worrying about it. In many ways, a ring didn't keep anything from happening. I don't feel I need to ward them off. He says it isn't concerning him that I am back to work. (My position doesn't travel, I specifically avoided applying for things that do). Maybe I am old fashioned and the ring comes from the man's heart, and maybe that's really what I want to achieve if I am going to wear it? So it feels weird to initiate. I can't really settle on any one line of thinking so I am throwing this out to see what I get back.

Hikingout, I've read all your posts from the beginning and have seen how much you've grown to be an amazing badass person.

Honesty, I've seen this in your posts, and how you value that now with your spouse, be honest, tell him everything you feel even if it feels weird.

Maybe he can help you work through this, and you can have a ring that you value because it shows your growth and commitment to your marriage.

It it were me I'd go get what I want. Because I have. Due to my line of work when i was still at the bedside I wore a band Ai picked up at dept store for $40.00 for many years. Then whe. I went to leadership and desk jobs I wore my original ring. Unfortunately with my arthritis I could no longer get it past my knuckle. So I went back to the simple band. I got a high quality fake that I would wear for conferences and training etc.
About 5 years ago I said I wanted a nice band with the diamonds inlaid. We went together and got one. He of course wanted to get me something extravagant, but talked him down to what I knew would be comfortable daily wear.
Maybe just say hey now that I'm back in am office I'd like to get a new ring. Do you want to go with me to pick it out? If he does awesome. If not cool. It's for you. And to you probably represents more than a wedding ring. So get what you want. You have earned it.

What Tush said. Spot on, as always.

Ok, so the ring came from his mom. My rings came from my great grandmother and grandfather, My granny loved my W and gave her the ring her mom gave her shortly before she died, and I have my grandpas ring that was passed down from her side as well.

W had a year A, didn’t take her ring off. We both still wear them.

And I’ll be honest here, your H lost the right fo say "well you had an affair so you can’t" after he had his. I don’t think it matters at all that you had an A first.

To me, my ring is a symbol of the commitment to my family, which is intertwined with my marriage. My W lost the right I suppose to wear her ring, but she is trying her best to keep ipur marriage intact.

I’m also very old fashioned, and I feel other than work circumstances (construction/welding the like) as long as I am married the ring stays on.

You’re 7+years, you both cheated on each other, you both had a poly style relationship as well. I think it’s time to let go, and make a decision and commitment. I’d say wear the ring. Between his affair and the poly, I don’t really think the "honer" to his mom really applies anymore.

I hear you Hell-

Some clarification.

One, we haven’t talked about that ring in a long time. His mother died two years ago and I still see signs of grieving. I mean I know he will always grieve her but it’s still kind of on the fresh side.

I would not ask to wear it because he would say yes no matter how he felt about it, and honestly it’s now in my jewelry box so it’s not like it’s not in my possession. It will always mean a lot to me but I feel like that’s not the answer? Hard to explain, but I wore it during the affair. I got rid of every article of clothing I had worn during the affair. They were all tainted by selfies I took in them or worse. I feel like it deserves to be an heirloom, and I will always remember her giving it to me. I don’t think it’s I don’t deserve to wear it now, it’s just more complicated than it probably should be due to wearing it during the affair and also the recent death of his mom.

We were never poly. Poly means that you can have multiple love interests. That wasn’t the deal. Before we were married, we were FWB for a year, we dated a year, lived together for a year. During the tail end of FWB, and through some of the dating time we mutually agreed to have some experiences. We went to a few parties and met some people, we had some encounters, mostly with a particular couple who we clicked with.

When we got more serious I said I prefer to go back to monogamy, he gave me no resistance. Before long, we moved in together. We didn’t do this as a married couple and everything was in each others presence. There was no breach of trust, it was just experimentation. The thing we liked best was the HB it would bring on.

I don’t doubt he would have said yes if I had wanted to go there again but I didn’t for many reasons. That was almost 30 years ago, it doesn’t really factor in that much.

I do agree that his affair makes it less of an awkward thing. This really is less about him and more about figuring out what I want to do about it. I don’t want to bring him something so ambiguous because then that’s where we kind of can walk into trigger land mines.

What I think that I want as I am explaining all this is something meaningful like the way his mothers ring was special. I liked looking at it and knowing it wasn’t something I couldn’t just go get from a store. Maybe that expresses better what I am asking? Though I appreciate the very kind words I have gotten here, it’s not really about asking for a ring or buying a ring, it’s about missing something I am not sure I could really replicate the idea of. But I don’t think until I started writing this response that I realized that’s what i think I am looking for.m but maybe it doesn’t exist.

And part of me just kind of wishes he would think of it when he sees me wearing that rubber thing all the time now. I have given up on the idea that he should read my mind but it would be nice if he could think to do that without having an affair and feeling guilty. I think that’s what part of this is about too. I feel a little robbed that ring he gave me had no real legitimacy, but the gesture at the time meant a lot.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:17 AM, Saturday, May 18th]

I would not ask to wear it because he would say yes no matter how he felt about it

I liked looking at it and knowing it wasn’t something I couldn’t just go get from a store.

I am so damn excited right now to even try to add something to your life, in gratitude for all that you have added to mine.

So these two statements above stand out to me.

First, if you truly believe that part of this block is that he wouldn’t give you a straight answer, that honestly surprises me for everything you share here. Seems like something to address. Maybe the first thing you need to address is this seeming passivity that you anticipate, whether that is real from him or whether it’s something in you, so you can have a legitimate conversation about this.

Second, to the point of desiring a ring that isn’t a "shelfie"; consider commissioning something custom. Maybe find a local starving artist, give them some themes to work with and have them design something novel for you.

Best of luck here, and getting thru the bullshit corporate training modules that I know all too well

All good points ink.

It’s not so much I think he will be passive. I think he genuinely just wants me to be happy. I think my biggest concern is the grieving and mixing it in with remnants of the affair. I don’t fear he would feel this gigantic way about it and he would go with it anyway. It’s that I don’t really want there to be any little niggling feeling he has to push away when he looks at my hand. And I am afraid I too will have feelings seeing it every day.

Designing something is something I will definitely look into. And if it’s viable I will pitch it. Thank you.

It’s that I don’t really want there to be any little niggling feeling he has to push away when he looks at my hand. And I am afraid I too will have feelings seeing it every day.

Honest question: what would prevent you from a try and monitor situation here? Give it a shot, see how you feel about it, ask how he feels about it? Might be a good exercise in detecting and communicating subtle and mixed emotions. If you wanted to go overboard, you could even order a copy of Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart and use it to identify some really detailed emotions.

Alright, I’m trying too hard now, but it comes from nothing but love.

First, my mistake with stating that you were poly. I was right in that you both had experiences with others before the As, but poly is definitely the wrong term.

If I’m reading your post correctly, maybe the reason you can’t wear his mom’s ring is because of your A? I again say you should wear it and let it go, and this is coming from someone whose wife wore her ring from my great grandparents passed down for three generations in her A. My W also wore special anniversary jewelry that I got her literally the year before her A started, and she wore it with AP in the worst ways. Still she wears both. We all mess up. By no means am I downplaying Affairs, but from everything you’ve posted, the albatross around your neck can be cut.

I don’t know, I believe in redemption. My W has another A after all of this then I’ll move on. I feel like after all of this, it’s ok to let go a little. I say that because again, based on your posts I would say that you have paid the price and did your time. Isn’t that what marriage and R is about?

Hikingout, like InkHulk, I too am thrilled at having the opportunity to provide feedback to you after all you’ve done for me. Your words of wisdom and compassion are right at the top of this community with a small select group.

So my .02 cents worth, not that I believe anyone should hold any great importance in it. I, somehow, was raised to respect my elders. Doesn’t matter if they are still alive or not. I get that you loved that ring, and would love to still wear it, but part of my path of thinking here is based on his mother. Did she know of your affair? Did she accept you after knowing what happened? Did she forgive the former you and embrace the new you? I only mention these questions because for me, I would need to have her acceptance in the new me to feel worthy of wearing her ring. I couldn’t disrespect her by wearing something so personal to her after engaging in an action she’d find disrespectful. Please don’t interpret my response as an attack or a judgement. It’s just that for me, integrity is huge in how I live my life and I simply couldn’t ask for to wear something that had so much meaning without her approval.
Now, I understand you said you’d prefer to wear something at work as that’s where the affair happened. I’d suggest finding something that you like, that is personal to you, make it yours so that it has a true new meaning, and here’s the kicker to it. Let your husband know that you wanted to wear a ring as a commitment to your marriage and to him. A symbol for all to see that I am married and I am off limits to anyone who should dare approach me. I am the other 50% of a partnership. It can be a reminder to you at work to stay the course and to your husband that he matters enough to you that you want all to see your commitment to him. From a BS perspective, if my WW were to do something like that for me the symbolism of commitment would be an incredibly strong gesture.

Deep down, would anything other than the original ring feel like a second rate replacement? If you spend the time and effort on a beautiful ring, would there still be longing for the original when you looked at your hand?

Like wise, if you wore the original, would it be with pride, or sadness. I think these answers could point you in the right direction.

Rather than over complicating it, why not simply ask him:

"Can I wear my wedding ring again?"

If he says no, he says no.

If he asks why, you can explain the reasons you’ve outlined here.

The original wedding ring is clearly what you want so I don’t think you should hide that fact.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:27 PM, Saturday, May 18th]

And part of me just kind of wishes he would think of it when he sees me wearing that rubber thing all the time now. I have given up on the idea that he should read my mind but it would be nice if he could think to do that without having an affair and feeling guilty. I think that’s what part of this is about too. I feel a little robbed that ring he gave me had no real legitimacy, but the gesture at the time meant a lot.

It's possible that he's actively decided to avoid the issue. After all, it was a colossal betrayal to give you that replacement ring while in an active affair. He may be as reluctant to trigger you as you are to trigger him. How much have you guys discussed his thought processes when he decided to give you a new ring? What did he think that represented? Why did he get a new one instead of giving his mother's ring back to you instead?

Of course, he may just be falling into his old pattern of believing that the things that aren't important to him are also not important to you. That would be more discouraging, because one of the goals of your R was that he would see beyond his own priorities and think about yours as well. I don't see how he could be paying attention and still think that a wedding ring was an inconsequential symbol for you.

Thank you guys, I think this gave me better clarity. Your kindness to me in this was very sweet.

Hell- no worry in the poly, I only took the time to explain it so you would understand where that was and it was a place in time sort of thing. It didn’t bother me.

So the original ring. Yes, it is special to me, but as I have listened to what you guys have had to say I think it is tainted to me as well. I don’t think that was clear to me until I got such great responses and it pushed me to think about it further.

Coping- I didn’t feel offended. My mother in law lived a good distance from us and didn’t even know we had problems at all. But she would still have loved me had she known. She would have been angry for her son for a while but she was pure love and forgiveness I know that because as crazy as His ex was she still loved her too. That’s who she was. I believe she is always with me and guides us and does things for us still.

Your posts have pushed me to find what is uncomfortable to me.

This isn’t about not being redeemed or not feeling redeemed in his eyes. I don’t even really think about it like that. We are in a different space now, I don’t really look at the ring with shame or feel too shameful to ask. I think what’s now come into focus for me that it’s more about the consequence of losing something special and then realizing the specialness of that thing is likely forever tainted. I was seeing it that way as if it were him that would think it but I see I think it too.

That made me cry because I know that kind of represents what our marriage is. It still means everything to me but it still will always come with reminders of that painful time. So in that way maybe it is the right symbol to put back on my hand.

But it’s also kind of like getting something untainted would be maybe a symbol of new beginnings. When I look at it, or he does we are seeing something new. And in that way I see our marriage that way too. It’s not the same marriage we were in before and this time it’s two people who are more wise, compassionate, and know the depths of love and family in a new way.

I don’t really even care that much about jewelry. I am a plain kinda nature girl. I am more prone to rocks and crystals than precious stones or anything like that. I think I will maybe look for a designer on Etsy or something that we can put together a new symbol.

This is why I love this place, you throw something out and it provides clarity in how you really feel. I knew I was having trouble settling on the solution but didn’t realize there was more underneath that than I realized. I feel like I know what I want now and this should be an easy conversation. But perhaps you can see that if it was feeling loaded to me I just didn’t want to go into that willy nilly with him. This is still a bit of tender ground.

I want my next ring to be a clean, joyful thing and if it started with this conversation that could be full of triggers then I would always see that ring as a reminder of that too? Hard to explain. I want it to be something we both start out happy about. Thanks for helping.

Bsr,

We cross posted but you touched some places that made this all feel loaded to me that I really didn’t address. I am not surprised, it’s always like you can see me through the screen.

It's possible that he's actively decided to avoid the issue. After all, it was a colossal betrayal to give you that replacement ring while in an active affair. He may be as reluctant to trigger you as you are to trigger him. How much have you guys discussed his thought processes when he decided to give you a new ring? What did he think that represented? Why did he get a new one instead of giving his mother's ring back to you instead?

I hadn’t really considered this.

So, jewelry has never been a gift he gives me at a holiday. When we got married it was with bands. Mine was gold and had some Ivy sort of design through it. We didn’t have a lot of money when we got married and I didn’t really see an engagement ring as a priority. After we got married his mom thought it was terrible I didn’t get a Diamond and thought I should have one and so she gave me hers. And I loved it. Not because it was a Diamond but because it was hers.

He still stands by he meant what he said when he gave me the new ring. He said I had earned it. He was cake eating, he didn’t feel strongly about his Ap, it wasn’t a limerence thing. He regrets doing that, and gets that I never want to see the thing again. I have no idea even what he did with it.

He did give me his moms ring back, he said “put this in your Jewelry box” at the time we were moving out of the old house. It wasn’t a good time to ask me to wear it. I was still oscillating on if I even wanted to go on the rv trip with him. It just hasn’t come up again.

Of course, he may just be falling into his old pattern of believing that the things that aren't important to him are also not important to you. That would be more discouraging, because one of the goals of your R was that he would see beyond his own priorities and think about yours as well. I don't see how he could be paying attention and still think that a wedding ring was an inconsequential symbol for you.

This is entirely possible but at the same time we could flip that and say isn’t expecting him to read my mind kind of what got us here? He isn’t always going to know something is important to me without me telling him. It’s a catch 22 because for every priority he missed, there was me in the background allowing it. It would have been special to me had he recognized it, yes, so that is something I will have to think on more. You may have just given me pause again.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:35 PM, Saturday, May 18th]

He did give me his moms ring back, he said "put this in your Jewelry box" at the time we were moving out of the old house.

Interesting. That could possibly be read as "I'm ready for you to wear this again but realize there's a good chance you'll never want to, so I'm putting the ball back in your court." Hard to know without asking, though.

I get what you're saying about mind reading, but I also remember your post when you got that new ring. I doubt anyone could have missed your overjoyed reaction to that (or your furious reaction when you threw it back at him). These aren't subtle cues. If it didn't occur to him to wonder, it should have, IMO.

I don’t disagree. I think it’s some of that the dynamic shifted when I was no longer the only one who cheated. He is only around four years out at this point, and while I completely see him as my equal and I don’t have qualms about how I am treated or what work he has done, he is still sensitive to certain things that touches his shame.

His feeling around the ring that he gave me is that he did see what I was doing and he wanted me to know that he saw, it’s just he compartmentalized the context of it in typical wayward fashion. He does understand this now and I assume that maybe rings have become a bit complicated for both of us.

And maybe he did put it in my court, he knew I wasn’t putting that on at that time I was very angry with him around the time we left on the rv.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:41 PM, Saturday, May 18th]

Oh and I should say that the ring he gave me was just a band I think he saw it as the replacement band I don’t think it made any statement about the engagement ring. I think he was trying to replace what he originally gave me and I just never asked about the other one.

I am also surprised my mother in law never asked me about where it was when we visited but we didn’t see her a ton either.

What struck me was the reason you are considering wearing a ring again:

Now I am back to work (and sitting alone going through online trainings meant for people out of college so you are hearing from me more than normal, hopefully they will give me actual work soon). Anyway, I have been thinking that because my affair was with a colleague, that it would probably be a good habit to wear a band to work.

Are you worried about getting hit on? Are you worried about falling into old patterns again?

If it is either, I think you have grown more than enough to deal with either questions easily.

If you (God forbid) fall back into your old patterns, then whether you wear a ring or not will not matter.

Now, another possible scenario is that you want to feel 'connected' to your H whilst at work, then that would require a conversation with him on how you can achieve that, with or without a ring.

RR