SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After this entire roller coaster I’ve been through, looking back at the absolutely mindless erratic behavior I have displayed after Dday + the extremely anxiously attached behavior from my side which led to her affair - I truly believe I am the problem. I think I am the actual covert narcissist, not her.

I’d like to anecdotally quote Sam Vaknin on that:

"Abnormal (narcissistic, borderline) people cheat, because they loose the ability to regulate themselves, because they fail to gather sufficient narcissistic supply or because they experience an internal collapse, where they’re unable to fight back against the inevitable phase of devaluation phase" (roughly quoted)

But he also described:

"Healthy people cheat because the relationship is not satisfying a basic level of needs, because the relationship has suffered under too much dissatisfying behavior or if characteristic or behavioral differences because too big." (Roughly quoted, he also stated that cheating is still not justifiable. He was just looking at it from a therapeutical perspective)

When I look back at how idiotic I behaved during the (end of) the relationship… the controlling behavior, the hyper sensitivity, the jealousy, the fear of abandonment, the lack of effort.. everything.. Since day 1 I fail to blame her for the affair. And she was substantially more stable troughout the entire relationship in comparison to me. I am the one who's coming out of a totally wrecked family. (Her parents are difficuilt, too. No doubt.)

Plus now my totally wrecked behavior during the reconciliation attempt. The permanent rage inside of me. The ever persisting fear of her straying again plus my final recent outblow of emotions - which led to her cancelling reconciliation - where I basically set everything on fire by confronting her parents, spitting mean words at her (very mean words for stuff like prostitute etc.)

I truly cannot believe that I am the victim. Or that I am normal and she’s the one who's the narcissist.

Also the way we handle the breakup.

She can go on better than me. I am completely paralyzed in bed since weeks.

Dday is 1 year ago and I am still utterly handicapped and what feels to be major depressed to the border of.. psychotic? (I’m not experiencing any symptoms like delusions or hallucinations or anything but I’m experiencing extreme depression).

Can anyone relate to this?

Who else thought "it was probably best for her to cheat, if that means she broke free from me?"

How much of your behavior could be attributed to betrayal trauma or trauma response?

If you're at the 1-year antiversary mark, it's common to feel down or depressed for some time before & after the date.

Who else thought "it was probably best for her to cheat, if that means she broke free from me?"

I’m no psychologist, but I’m pretty sure that no true narcissist would ever utter that phrase in a million years.

You may have been a poor husband, you can look at that and try to fix what is broken that may have led to that. What you can’t do is take blame for what isn’t your crime and expect it to help you heal or grow. She cheated. Not you. It was a horrible, terrible, maladaptive, I dare say evil things she did. She had other options, but she chose that bit of selfishness that every world culture and religion ever has regarded as immoral. That doesn’t sound like someone you should be putting on a pedestal.

Your words sound deeply depressed and desperate. I hope you pursue therapy or some help, including talking it out here. Praying for you now, I hope you can find some peace.

Have you read up on the difference between emotional immaturity and narcissism?

Do not diagnose yourself. If you are concerned about your mental health then find a qualified professional you trust.

Even if you are, her choice to cheat instead of divorce, separation, marriage counseling et al isn't made any healthier or less wrong. If you were an alcoholic would you blame your wife because she was a nagging shrew?

Our mistakes are all our own, unless we lacked agency in the choice.

Most adults in our society have narcissistic tendencies. One a societal level we were raised by parents who generally prioritized their own needs above our own, pushing independence before we were ready and delegating the raising of us to T.V., internet, school and paid caregivers. This has been a growing issue for a few generations now that would be a lot to get into in this post.

So you likely do have some narcissistic tendencies. Autism in adulthood can overlap with NPD. CPSTD has a LOT of overlap, and there's actually many professionals pushing to have personality disorders as a whole removed from the DSM and be instead put under the umbrella of CPSTD as differing defensive mechanism.

How many of the issues that you're describing are lifelong problems and how many surfaces as a result of the trauma you're living with?

It could be interesting to learn more about narcissism and personality disorders in general for your own self-discovery if you can do so from a place of "some of this may fit me and may be useful" rather than "which of these labels fit"? Avoid Sam Vaknin. He's sketch. Unfortunately, it's really really really difficult to find quality information on narcissism on the internet.

Even if you were a full blown narcissist, you didn't cause or deserve to be cheated on. What Vaknin said about why healthy people cheat is just straight up false. Cheating is not a healthy way to deal with not having your basic needs met, and relationships also don't exists to meet your basic needs. I know that's not a common therapeutic perspective, but that's because too many therapists arent looking deep enough. They take too much at face value. The relationship could very well have issues, and we waywards do use it to justify cheating, but there's something deeper going on. You didn't resort to cheating to "fix" your issues for a reason.

.

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 1:44 AM, Monday, May 20th]

Degeguy wrote "Spitting mean words at her (Very mean words for stuff like Prostitute etc.)"
, Pick me dance, jealousy, hysterical bond, fear ... anger, depression ...
My case (lack of control) was similar.
On a family trip, my little daughter, then 14 years old, asked my wife for the phone, and said "Do you have Tinder?"
At that time I was very alert for her behavioral canges. And for more evidentes.
That weekend I went through all the phases mentioned above.

On the way back in the car we argued, I exploded and said the same, in front of my daughters ...
I apologized and the next day went to the psychiatrist and prescribed to me an anxiolytic and fluoxetine. My diagnose was anxiety adaptive disorder.
I regret insulting and more for doing it in front of my daughters. But that is a error (very serious), infidelity, flirting, etc ... It is not, that is premeditated.

Agree with Ink, a narcissist would likely not consider the idea that they are, and they are largely incapable of empathy.

It's been my observation that sometimes the BS deserves to be divorced from.

It has never been my observation that the BS deserved to be cheated on. That was her deficiency, and one that likely left you with a lot of trauma that most people's coping skills are tested to the brink. And, now it sounds like you left a relationship that was important to you and those two things would have any person feeling depressed and hopeless.

Do you have resources for therapy? Are there people in your life that you can talk to who knows you well and can help you sort through what is a distorted thought versus maybe things that you might want to work on?

The good news is, it's not too late. It's never too late to read books, become more self aware, and work on yourself. And, after that, perhaps even have a relationship again. The best part of working on yourself is finding peace within, finding joy despite circumstance. Pedra Chadron writes beautifully about this, I recommend learning more about her teachings. She provides a roadmap to that joy. I love Eckhart Tolle because he helps you tune into your thoughts and see how they lie to you. Both of them combined have taught me how to set my mind free and to live in the moment more.

It also sounds like you might need to force yourself to try some new things, get some hobbies that you lose yourself and sense of time in. These will help you build happy chemicals and find a soft place to spend some time in when things get hard.

Lastly, if you feel like you can't find it in yourself to crawl out of where you are, you may need to talk to your doctor about medications that might help you while you get your life back on track.

You are divinely loved, and inherently worthy. If you can learn to love yourself, everything else flows from that. You have been heart and we are all here to help you when you need it.

Also as a side note, I asked myself this morning if I had been a narcissist. I have asked myself that many times. I think it probably comes down to what Lea said about emotional immaturity, I was unknowingly emotionally immature. I was raised by a mother who was, and she was raised by a mother who was even worse. You have empathy for your ex, and that tells me that you are likely not NPD.

If you think you might have a mental illness or a personality disorder, then seek advice from a psychiatrist.

I'm sure that 95% of the BS would've thought of ourselves as crazy and/or we were told we were crazy by our cheating spouses, but when we were finally out of our relationships, we realized that we were going nuts because of the toxic relationships we were in.

To put it another way, before you diagnose yourself with a disease, see how you feel after some time a part from the person who was poisoning you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:56 PM, Monday, May 20th]