SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been in this infidelity hellscape for years, and I by no means have it all figured out. But I do know that, for me, there was a period immediately after DDay and lasting quite a while where I felt like a chump. WW was the desirable one, with multiple men chasing after her, while I was the discarded chump who was being cheated on. I hated myself and what I had become. I blamed myself in a lot of superficial, unhelpful ways. I had put on too much weight. I had gotten boring. I was a pathetic old dad who had lost his edge, so of course I lost out to the young, exciting paramour pursuing my wife. And people telling me I was the prize really didn't mean much to me. It felt like just words, and those words couldn't penetrate the fortress of self loathing I had built up in my shame. But here's the hard earned truth after years here:

FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

Hear me, dear faithful spouse who may be trapped in the same prison in which I found myself. YOU TRULY ARE THE PRIZE. It's not just words. If we take emotion out of it, we know it's true. Any one of us who has been betrayed knows from painfully gained wisdom how invaluable a faithful spouse we can trust with our soul truly is. It outweighs looks, money, talents, spark and excitement. It's the foundation without which you just can't build anything. A marriage can't function without the kind of stuff we're made of. So many of us have noticed and bemoaned how all too common infidelity and faithlessness seems to be in our culture. And it may or may not be worse than it's been in the past, but it certainly FEELS like it is. But take a second and consider that wasteland of people forsaking one another and their vows. Really think on it. Now think about what you offer. It truly is like when a jeweler uses the darkest black fabric backdrop on which to display the most beautiful sparkling diamond. That gem shines so beautifully against the darkness of the fabric laid out. The thing you're offering, a faithful partner who can be relied upon and trusted with another person's soul, THAT IS THE DIAMOND STUFF. That shines so beautifully against this broken, destroyed backdrop of infidelity that seems to litter the dating/marriage scene nowadays. You are the prize, Queen. You are the prize, King. It's not just words. I can tell you ladies that nothing means more to me, especially having experienced what I have, than a faithful lover. A woman offering that is a prize. Betrayed wife, you are a prize. You are a treasure that any man would be oh so fortunate to call his partner. And I feel fairly confident that the women here who have experienced the hell of infidelity would say the same thing to the men who offer faithfulness and a heart that can be trusted. It's finally hit me that the phrase, "you are the prize" is not just a platitude that the experienced members throw around. You truly are the prize, faithful person. Hold your head up befitting the dignity you possess.

It reminds me of a recent interaction with a neighbor, I told my W a female neighbor asked for my help fixing something, I went right over and helped. My W's response was "I wouldn't have thought anything about it". I thought to myself how nice it must be to have that blind trust, my W has nothing to worry about.

Amen Marine. Took me some time in therapy but my therapist enlightened me to the core attributes that I have. Integrity, Morals, Commitment, Loyalty to name a few. She said there are tons of women out there who would kill for a person who holds those traits. I finally get it, she's right, because those same traits would be very attractive to me.

We are the prize!

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 8:04 AM, Wednesday, May 22nd]

Good word, Marine. I also suspect that we betrayed more easily can believe that about each other than we can about ourselves. I can hear you and easily believe what a kick ass man you are. I can’t help but see how fucking badass Hellfire is. I can see all the way from here the value in the people who are vulnerable here. But I have a harder time seeing it in myself. I suspect that is true for all of us, or at least most of us. I think it would be a great exercise for all of us to internalize some of that.

Top-notch post, marine.

I know this is directed at bs, but I just want to say it’s good reading for ws too. Seeing it here early in my journey, it also became my mantra when thinking about my h. It helped refocus my perceptions and reminded me of the bigger picture when things were hard. Great post and so true.

Hey hikingout,
I was intentional with my language. In my opinion, based upon reading what you've written over a long period of time, I'd recommend you use that lens when thinking about yourself too, not just your H. You are a faithful spouse. You're offering that diamond stuff that your H can trust with his soul and safely build a life with. Being wayward for a season isn't a death sentence. You did the work. You changed. I think it's safe, if we're using labels, to transcend betrayed and wayward and move into the present tense "faithful". You're a prize too, hiking out.

(As an aside I found funny, I tried to abbreviate your name in my last sentence and it came out, "you're a prize too, HO." And that just seemed inappropriate for the context, yet hilarious.)

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Thank you for that acknowledgment, marine. Those are intensely kind words that mean a lot to me. I do feel this way, too. Maybe a little more humbly than the generous way you put it, but I do feel it. The best I can describe it is I will never be happy with how I arrived to this destination, there will always be this scar that is tender to the touch much like anyone else here on the site. I have never been a big regrets kind of person but there will always be a big regret that I will always carry. Still, I have peace, and I have new things to offer to myself, and my husband, family, and friends. And I have a great life that I no longer sleepwalk through or take for granted.

I truly believe the wisdom of this site was crucial in so many steps in my path, and this particular phrase you have written was a big one. I have no doubt I would be divorced had I not come here and read posts like this, nor would I have unlocked the ways I was holding myself back. Being able to put thoughts into the forum and getting feedback at times was painful, but self awareness is harder to reach in your own closed feedback loop. It taught me many lessons on vulnerability. You guys are my people and illuminated my path. It is like having many lighthouses to guide you back when you find yourself lost at sea in dark, stormy weather.

Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement and this post.

Signed,
HO

( Lol it has been an unfortunate abbreviation that many have poked at over the time I have been here. Feel free to use it though, it bothers me none)

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:51 AM, Thursday, May 23rd]

This amazing post really made my day 1345Marine. So many people have told me those exact words in the last few months: "Just remember you are the prize."

Sometimes, I try to repeat it to myself but don't always believe it, because he has made me feel so small & worthless with his lies & betrayal, his blameshifting, gaslighting and abandonment of our family.

Still, I know I am the loyal, faithful, honourable partner & that I leave my marriage with my integrity and head held high. That is more than I can say for him. Being true and faithful meant everything to me in my marriage and these are the values that I live by.

Reading your post helped reaffirm to me that I am the prize and the diamond, not the sparkly glitter he is chasing. Thank you so much.

[This message edited by Angie41 at 10:09 AM, Thursday, May 23rd]

Tanner wrote, It reminds me of a recent interaction with a neighbor, I told my W a female neighbor asked for my help fixing something, I went right over and helped. My W's response was "I wouldn't have thought anything about it". I thought to myself how nice it must be to have that blind trust, my W has nothing to worry about.

That always felt somewhat unfair, my W would send me to fix stuff for other women too.

Women I chatted with in coffee shops told me they liked that I didn't have sexual intentions towards them and respected their conversation.

On the other hand...

I wonder who is in the group at church my W is meeting with, is there a handsome or smooth man.

I was concerned about my W going to the funeral of a lady in the choir because her H is now a widow.

I think there is a small but real possibility my W will fall in love with someone suddenly and after work I'll find an empty house.

"It reminds me of a recent interaction with a neighbor, I told my W a female neighbor asked for my help fixing something, I went right over and helped. My W's response was "I wouldn't have thought anything about it". I thought to myself how nice it must be to have that blind trust, my W has nothing to worry about."

I was thinking just today that it’s gotten pretty dark out there in marriage land with a bunch of entitled people feeling justified in dumping or cheating on their spouse if they get them the wrong starbys drink or some … like loyalty is a
rare commodity…it makes a loyal, giving, caring person a real gem. And there are a lot of gems on this board.

My lesson was to stop throwing my gems in front of someone (wh) who was trampling them underfoot. Works a lot better when 2 spouses are loyal and trustworthy.

Someone I know said something absolutely hysterical about ex WH’s now betrayed gf…what did she think she was going to get. In other words, did he suddenly become a jewel with no polishing required? I am glad I was cutting weeds and not drinking a coke when they said this. I would have spit it out and gotten it up my nose.

My WH passed away 4 years ago. I have a lot of clarity now and so does he.

I am the prize. I never cheated on him. I was loyal throughout our entire marriage. I trusted him. I loved him. And I even believed in him when he didn't believe in himself.

I supported him and his goals and encouraged him to be his best self, all while he had other women on the side, living his best secret life and leaving me behind.

I looked forward to seeing him when he would come home from work after not seeing him for several day's.

I loved him dearly from the bottom of my heart.

I felt he was truly my best friend with true intentions for me. My soulmate.

But none of this was the case for him.

Sadly he took advantage of my loyalty and trust in him.

He used me to hide behind his secret dark life.

He piled good on me to cover up the bad he was doing.

His truth while on this earth was not in my best interest. Instead, he showed me through his actions and treatment towards me that he never did love me when he was still on this earth.

His truth was to live a double life of other women, booze and lies and to kick me to the curb because I'm guessing that he didn't think I was good enough, pretty enough, and he didn't value me enough.

But now he is sorry. And that he loves me. Wants forgiveness. I'm the best he's ever had. Those women where nothing to him. Truth! I don't need to lie.

How can that be because when he was alive he treated me with disrespect and disdain. He couldn't stand me.

I can now see that not only was I the prize back then but I'm even more of a prize today, and I will never allow anyone else to tell me otherwise ever again.

Yes, I am the prize. I can now walk and hold my head high.