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My 10 year old daughter stayed with my mom this weekend and I guess my daughter told my mom that I couldn’t listen to certain songs and asked why. So she asked me what she should say to her.
A few songs being my from my H former band (his Ap was at one of his shows and wore his shirt ) so I can’t listen to his songs anymore.
I also can’t listen to cruel summer by t Swift (one of her favorite somgs) for obvious reasons) he was cruel and it was summer. I don’t want to traumatize my daughter, please give me advice on an age appropriate way to tell her that her dad fucked up. I should have just listened to the songs and said eff my feelings but I spiraled , I should have been stronger for her. I hate that I can’t be stronger for her.

Just say those songs get you in the feels - music is powerful.
(There are songs I still cry hearing that bring back memories of my mom and my pets dying… music is powerful.)

Issue is our googles were tied…. She saw what I googled on her tablet and I googled so much affair stuff
I had no idea till it was too late and she mentioned it.

Her older niece told us she told her that her dad had an affair and she hears us fighting and doesn’t want to be split between homes.

She knows….

Sorry. Should have added all of that, I’m just a mess.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 3:43 AM, Sunday, May 26th]

I’m so sorry, Groot.

This is not something I had to deal with. I’ll give a few thoughts but mostly just want to respond and encourage you to breathe and be kind to yourself. You didn’t create this shit show and you don’t know how to navigate it perfectly.

I would go talk to your daughter and try to get a sense of what she knows and how she understands it. It might be worth looking into a therapist for her to help draw that out. I wish I had more to offer, but mostly just a shoulder to cry on for this one.

We’ll laugh more later, it’s the right time to cry right now.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:34 PM, Sunday, May 26th]

Aw 😕 I’m so sorry. My two were 10 & 8 on my d-day, they found out about my exWS’s affair prematurely. Sigh. My son (10 at the time) said something I found to be so wise for his age…he basically said that he didn’t think that my exWS was as strong with themselves as I am to have been able to handle not giving in to something like infidelity. Not with those words of course but that was the meaning behind it. I remember thinking how interesting and astonishing it was that my kids could see something like that so simply.

I never have really learned what the best way to handle the kiddos is when something like this is happening. We as the betrayed are understandably falling to pieces…their other parent at times is not there anymore or is but the house isn’t the same…and the kids are probably confused, worried, scared…sometimes self blaming which is horrible.

Maybe when these triggery songs come up you could tell your daughter, "I feel sad when I hear this song, maybe we can change it to something else?"

I’ll usually change songs all the time. Sometimes it’s bc I’ve heard it too often so I’ll tell my two, "I’m sorry guys! I’ve heard this song too many times." And they’re like, "aw man!" And they move on

Your feelings are valid, your feelings matter. I think that it’s important to express things in a way that models for them how they themselves can learn to speak for themselves in the future. To not mute themselves.

I think I would do pretty much what ink has suggested. I feel a little bit like this might be a good time for both of you to sit with her in a united front.

I would contact a child therapist and you and he sit down with them to get a consultation before talking with her so you both can prep for it.

I would keep everything high level and reassuring. Like if she asks if you are getting a divorce I would tell her that’s not the plan right now, that you both love each other and are trying to work though some things but she can ask questions if she feels worried or nervous.

I think in turn of it starts heading in that direction you should talk to her about that too. I think the most important thing is she needs to understand this is your adult issue to work through, and that you both love her and always will. That she can always come to you and that you will be honest with her (in an age appropriate way).

I know this is not ideal, but it can open positive lines of communication that she can talk to you guys about anything and you won’t be mad. I think the child therapist will have words to use and how and what to explain and how to navigate this. I am so sorry this is happening on top of everything else.

Ws here....

My bs felt it was important to tell our children why there was so much chaos in their lives.

Our two children are 11 and 12 but were 10 and 11 when we told them.

Both my bs and I did this separately, we are trying to reconcile so we could have done it together however I actually agreed it was good to do it separately as we could both explain why it happened and what was going on in each of our lives.

My BS told them first and I was dreading it coming home but actually it was so important for me to show them and tell them that it could never happen again and that it ISNT acceptable to have treated their mother that way. Your little one clearly knows what is going on so use it as a conversation starter. I was really not a fan at first of telling them and was against it but my BS wanted to explain to them why....the moment I started talking though it was all ok and hopefully it settled their little minds somewhat.

Just sit down with your ws and explain why it is felt necessary. It wont stop the awkward moments when the little one wants to play Taylor swift as kids seemingly forget triggers but at least it will allow some understanding for everyone.

Good luck and hope it all works out for you

First of all, don't feel guilty for not processing your personal trauma in a more socially convenient manner. You have been traumatized and need to work through as you see fit. I'm not saying you shouldn't think of the kids, but it's okay to not be perfect. After all, none of us went to post-infidelity training camp before we got married.

I'm speaking from experience here. I checked-out for a long time after Dday. I tried to be strong for my kids, but I wasn't. Sure, I had dinner made every night, drove them places, was physically there for them, but I was a robot, a shell. I would wait for them to go to bed and then collapse into my despair and pain. I remember, money was so tight that I could only afford the basics. One evening, I was looking for a food storage container, one of two I had, and I couldn't find it in the cupboard. I felt like such a failure, I collapsed on the floor sobbing. Yeah, not my finest moment.

Kids see our pain. My kids have seen me at my lowest, barely able to function, but function I did ... at whatever capacity I could manage. That also teaches them a lesson. My daughter recently started working full-time and has a boyfriend. She said something to me that touched me. She said that she did not know how I was able to do all I do for them, work, cook, clean, renos, exercise, passion projects. It made me feel.a little less guilty for being what I thought was a shitty dad.

Be honest with your kids. The world being what it is, there is a very high probability that they will experience infidelity in their lifetime. Give them the tools to communicate and the resilience to navigate.

This is tough. I was a child of infidelity, listened to my parents fighting from the top of the stairs. My mom cried and crumpled on the floor when he moved out for a few months. Then he returned and life "went back to normal". I found some letters and stuff but they never sat down and talked with us.

I guess I think that if you don’t say something to your daughter she is going to make sense of it in her own way and they can come up with some amazingly distorted ideas that if you let them keep might not be too good. Also you have a very easy opening because you can say that you heard what she had said to her older niece. She is asking questions which means she’s wondering about it. I think that if it is TRUE (and only if it is true) the father should reassure her that he isn’t going anywhere and he wants to make amends for the harm he has done. That is what I wish I was told. I think that is a child’s primary worry-based on what they see on TV and hear from friends. Beyond that I hope you caution your husband to NeVER EVER imply that you were in any way at fault. My father chose to try to talk to me about the infidelity a couple times over the years and both times implied my mother was cold or some other drivel. That was something I could never forgive and led to an eventual estrangement between me and my father although my parents remained married. All he had to do was take responsibility, if he wasn’t going to do that he should have said nothing.

My husband and I are trying to sort out what to tell our three kids. He told our oldest son which I had green-lighted though I wasn’t quite ready for it. Our daughters are another story. He wants to tell them but I don’t think my youngest who will be a senior in high school should have to know too much while she is stuck living with us. Bu, no doubt she has seen stuff. Just as your daughter saw your search history. She also uses my kindle and I have way too many books on infidelity. I tried to write out in a notes file what I would need to say if he told them. this led to my husband having the biggest breakdown I’ve ever seen. This stuff is highly flammable.

I agree with you guys working with a counselor - it is just very very difficult to navigate. Wish you the best in sorting it out. I hope you keep posting because I think this is one of the most challenging parts of the process. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 6:31 PM, Sunday, May 26th]

Still confused thank you so much for your vulnerability!

My father also had an affair that I buried way deep down inside because my mom tried to kill herself and then when I wouldn’t see her in the hospital she was hurt but I was in hs. All I could think is how could she be so selfish, so weak!! Looking back I get it …she made my dad throw away so many cds that were triggering. I remember my dad taking his entire collection to the dumpster (over 100 albums)

My mom stayed (miserably) I started dating and got engaged at 18 so I could leave that God forsaken house.

I don’t ever want my daughter to go through what I went through or think it was her fault. Eventually my daughter will learn I only

Knew her dad 3 months before getting pregnant. We were young and neither were ready but we had her and she was what saved us both.

I have counseling tomorrow so I have a plan to sit her down and talk to her. She needs to know this isn’t her fault and she is the best thing that has helped to either of us

Side note , I listened to cruel summer with my daughter and H in the car today. I gripped the steering wheel but I made it through… my h helped a lot. He said "listen to the beat, Not the words"

(Gotta love musicians)

He kept doing the beat , held my hand and I made it through. My daughter smiled real big at the end.

I don’t want to traumatize my daughter.

To this day I can’t listen to some everclear songs bc of my dad and his AP

ILL BE DAMNED if I repeat this cycle.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 6:18 AM, Tuesday, May 28th]

I told my kids (7&9). That when mummy and daddy are together it’s not ok for mummy to have a secret boyfriend. That’s what mummy did and it’s why I left her but I didn’t want to leave them.

It’s a shit sandwich I didn’t want to serve them but it seemed unavoidable as WW and AP were forcing the kids to meet and his kids are older (teens) and know their Dad betrayed their mum so it would come out sooner or later.