SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

wjbrennan78

I know I come across as hard on you.
I wish I could make this clear to you: I really don’t have any stance on if you divorce or reconcile as long as you do either "correctly". I just want you out of infidelity.

I only know two good ways out of infidelity: That’s where you reconcile, and that reconciliation is done from a base of truth and assurance that the affair is over. Or it’s from a stance of divorce where you strive to separate yourself as much as possible both emotionally and practically as possible.
Unfortunately, its very common people go some sort of semi-either-R-or-D...

If you had told us that you were 100% committed to divorce and had no hope or wish to reconcile... Well... I wouldn’t be suggesting you tell the OMW now. I don’t have an agenda that you wreck OM life or make your wife’s life any harder than it need be. I would be suggesting you skip trying to win some divorce popularity contest with her aunts and family and simply focus on your best financial outcome.

But certain sentences and things you say and imply in your recent posts make me think you are – again – following near-standard betrayed husband plotline.
That plotline is where they THINK it’s enough to demand the affair be over and it’s over. Where they think they can skip letting stakeholders know in the hope of avoiding some "shame", thereby helping the WS remain in infidelity. Where there is a series of "one more event and I will divorce you AND NOW THIS TIME I MEAN IT" followed by one more event and one more dead ultimatum.

Like this sentence here:

I am more than resolved now to serve her. I have a couple percentage points of hope left that she gets out of this fog after the events coming on Wednesday.

Your thread is called "Done with the lies and infidelity - Just filed for divorce"
Weren’t’ you determined to let her know of the impending divorce before your last confrontation? Wasn’t there a 100% resolve, and NOW there is? If you are so determined to divorce, then what about those couple of percent?

I THINK that there is still some reluctance on your part to end this marriage. I think that if you hang on to that reluctance without the resolve to end the infidelity... you will simply follow the path of so many betrayed husbands that deal with a long, confrontational, and unnecessarily complex divorce or – worse still – become one of those that constantly scream "leave that witch" at others while not dealing with their own stuff...

I am strongly going to suggest you do the following:
Stop all this excitement and drama about how and where to serve her. You could hire a marching band and have an elephant carry the summons in it’s trunk or you could simply have the normal process required by your state. Still get you as divorced eventually.

Don’t focus on shaming her or the popularity contest of divorce. If asked, then yes – you are divorcing her because of her infidelity with OM. If she counters and says she’s been unhappy for years... that’s OK. Nobody is trying to "win" the divorce.
If you are determined to go this path (and I so strongly encourage you to do so!) then let her know. Tell her once you have arranged for her being served:

"Wife. You will be served for divorce in the next days. I realized that I don’t want to take part in your infidelity. You are free to be with OM, date OM, spend time with OM. Who knows... maybe he will leave his wife for you. Or not – not my issue.
What is 100% clear is that I don’t share my wife, and I don’t want to hold you here against your will. You are free from all commitments as my wife, and if you cooperate this divorce will go along quickly and smoothly in accordance to the processes in our state.
In the next couple of days we will need to let stakeholders know. I am giving you time to prepare, but I won’t hide the reason for why I have come to this conclusion of our marriage. I won’t shame you but I will tell the truth."

Then just leave.
She wants to tell you why she "had" to have the affair: Honey – I’m not interested. We are divorcing. If there was any commitment from you to reconcile then we could look into that issue, but since you are committed to your affair and still in contact with OM I don’t see any gain in going there".
She wants to talk about the divorce: "Honey – I am too emotionally attached to this marriage. I will consult an attorney who will figure out a fair outcome for both in accordance to the laws of our state. We need to cohabit for now, so lets try to do so with the least interaction and friction possible".

Chances are this will lead you eventually to divorce.
That couple of percentage hope you had?
Well... if she were to ask for a chance and agree to the conditions you set then you can always push pause. Wait to see if she is committed. The odds are high she will relapse and/or want the divorce through, but instead of making it a confrontation you have made it a practical reality.

To reiterate Bigger's earlier point, a lawyer cannot and ought not advise on the choice to contact the OBS. The lawyer's job is to advise you of your rights and options, and inform you of what you can reasonably expect in terms of division of assets and custody-sharing arrangements.

The only benefit to holding off on informing the OBS is simply to make the process less acrimonious and maintain peace in the home for the sake of your sons... until the ink is dry on the papers, at which point you should fulfill your moral and ethical obligation to disclose.

Disclosure to the OBS should not be used as a means of coercing your WW into a reconciliation process in which she is not invested or as a means of extorting her into giving you more than what you're entitled in the divorce, the latter of which is potentially illegal.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:44 PM, Tuesday, June 4th]

How did your confrontation and MC session go on Wednesday?

Fareast -

The final Divorce petition was not filed or ready at the time of the MC session. This past Monday we met in a neutral area so we could talk without fear of the Children around and not having this occur all the time in our family room. I expressed that if NC was not established that D was on the table for me. I showed her the draft of the petition. I expressed that my two boundaries when returning home after Dday were NC and honesty - and that she broke both of them. I told her I cannot wait for her any longer for her to make better choices and that I am no longer interested in even trying to influence them. That work has to be done by HER.

My therapist had told me session 1 to give this initial period 6 months before I took action one way or another. He explained that what I have told him in the last 2 sessions and with a new, unambiguous, NC Letter that he stands by that advice.

In the meantime I am following through with approving the draft and having it filed in the Court System. I will always have it ready to serve her if she doesn't exhibit behaviors to be a candidate for R. She knows that this is a path I am willing and able to take now. In the meantime I am working on my own healing and making sure my kids have what they need. She has to wallow in her own pit of shit and despair to figure out exactly what she wants and what she did. I am detaching from her problems and concentrating what I need to help myself. I won't be doing as much, if any work on the M for the near future. Time to reserve that effort for boys and myself.

Your last post is positive IMHO.

I have shared this before: I once listened to that guy who got his hand stuck in a crevasse deep in a gully in Utah. The same guy who eventually self-amputated his arm at the elbow. He shared how he realized at about the 24 hour-mark that maybe he might have to do this. Didn’t want to... but his options were basically being found and saved, finding a way to pry his arm free, dying of thirst or... amputating his arm. As an engineer he tried everything to get free but realized it wasn’t happening. He then checked what he had – a penknife, a shoelace to use as a torniquet and so on... He decided on a timeline – at this certain point he would still have the strength to start cutting and get the job done. Up an until that point he did his best with all the other options; making sound in hope of being heard, trying again to pry his arm free and so on. At the same time he sharpened his pen-knife and prepared the torniquet. He waited past his deadline because despite maybe having to amputate, he wished for ANY other solution other than death.
He then cut away... Eventually freeing himself and making it to safety.
He said he has no regrets because he did the only thing realistic for him in his situation.

Well... That’s what we are encouraging you to do. You don’t want this long-term marriage to be over, but if she persists with the affair your only options are a slow emotional death or an amputation of the marriage.

Please – Please please please... Let his wife know. NOTHING will help more with NC and all that than letting his wife know.

I think you are a good place right now, as Bigger said.

If you haven’t already read 20 years worth of stories here, I can tell you there are sooooo many BPs that are left with the regret of not informing the other partner ASAP, while it still could have done some good. Telling and the aftermath will do one of two things, it will knock her out of her current mindset or she will dig in her heels with the affair. Either way, you will have a pretty clear answer and your path forward will be easier on you. The anxiety over if you are making the right choices will ease.

Nothing will change until you expose the OM to his wife.

As long as you fear doing that, you are at best tertiary in this relationship.

Fear has caused more harm in the world than any other emotion.