SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi

I'm not sure what I am looking for... I guess to know I'm not alone. I always thought it would be me that wouldn't want to have sex after. But 18 months after Dday and for awhile i have been wanting to try but my WH isn't interested.

We have since Dday but the more work he does and the more he realises the impact of his affair the less he wants to be physical in that way.

I think he might be depressed (he says he isn't) but other than that i have no idea what is going on with him. Despite myself i feel ugly, unwanted and unloves regardless of what else he does when he isn't interested in sex.

Has anyone else experienced a wayward partner not veing interested? How did you overcome it?

This is a tough one, because there can be different reasons. Some good, some bad. Here are a few that Some to mind for me:

Some people experience hysterical bonding, others don't

Some people have sex or no sex as a condition to R

It could be depression

It could be a host of medical reasons

It could be that he is still seeing his AP or doesn't want to chest on them

It could be a manipulation tactic (My XWH fell into this category)

What is he doing to work on the issue? He needs to fix it and it isn't something you can fix for him. You can tell him your feelings and that you need some physical touch.

I told my XWH that I was done going without sex and I wasn't taking any more of his excuses. I mean, we could say no if we weren't interested do it wasn't forced but I wasn't taking his excuse of not being able to perform.

Unfortunately, he crossed my hard boundary of no inappropriate contact with person female for sex and now we're D.

The self-esteem does take a hit. That's for you to work on. Really, it had little to do with your looks. I mean, look at the beautiful or handsome actors that have been cheated on.

What helped me was doing some I AM affirmations in the morning, and Chaos' BASGU speech. You are a Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn! Get a couple of outfits where you feel absolutely bad ass and fabulous - and wear them. Get some pretty undergarments - and wear them. Wear things that make you feel like a goddess and wear them with your bitch boots. You are worth it because you are the prize.

[This message edited by leafields at 7:25 PM, Thursday, June 13th]

Poppy I am sorry this is happening. It is very difficult.

I slept with my ex husband once after his 5 yr affair came to light. He was all in, I wasn’t. It became just sex for me. I couldn’t get past the rejection.
I had years where he wouldn’t even look at me, kiss me, or even touch me, so I do understand the feeling of being rejected. It is humiliating and lonely, and it simply hurts. And it didn’t fix it self. I don’t want this to happen to you.

So let me say this very clearly. Poppy, you are a beautiful vibrant woman who deserves emotional and physical love. You absolutely deserve it and this is part of a healthy marriage. You are very normal. This has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with him.

Why don’t you go to a counsellor. Or a sex counsellor? Before you think, I could never, I will tell you can! Your husband should see his beautiful wife when he looks at you. He should not see his own guilt. This is not something that will fix itself, it is something you or really he will have to work through.

As for your personal self worth ,you need to grab it, nurture it and let it grow.

Go do what you need to feel sexy and beautiful, and walk swinging those sassy hips!

Thank you both. These messages mean a lot and brought tears to my eyes!

More importantly they got me out exercising and doing things I love. They reminded me that I am my priority.

Thank you!

.

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 12:06 PM, Friday, June 14th]

POppy:
"...but other than that i have no idea what is going on with him...."
And neither does he. That's the problem.
He must work on it and you must not internalize it.
If WH is in IC ask for a session for you.
And if it doesn't have IC, demand it.

Hello Poppy,

I can understand your concerns, but I really hope you know this has nothing to do with your desirability. There must be something else your husband is dealing with.

Back in September you said that there was a possible OC from the affair and you were awaiting the results. If the OC is your husband’s is he still in contact with the affair partner? That might explain his actions. Or if he’s not in contact he may feel guilt towards the child. I’m not saying this is so, it’s just a possibility to consider. Hopefully, the OC was not your WH’s.

You deserve to feel loved and desired. I hope things change for you. ❤️

Thank you.

He is in individuL counselling and says he is working through it and trying better to understand it himself.

Beachgirl yes the OC is his but there has been no contact. There is definitely a lot of guilt there for that. And for the impact of that on us.

Thank you for the reassurance and all the advice. I have taken advantage of the sales to buy some new work clothes and nice underwear (just for me). Baby steps

I do understand the feeling of being rejected. It is humiliating and lonely, and it simply hurts. And it didn’t fix it self.

Spot on.

Some people have affairs because of their internal psychological sexual problems.

My FWS was one of those. Her lack of interest and inhibitions around sex, after the initial pregnancy and children, was one of the major marital problems we had. In fact, it was one of the reasons she was able to convince me that she'd not been having an affair. Before children, her sex drive had not been as high as mine but was tolerable.

Then the cheating makes this difficult to understand, and particularly difficult to tolerate in reconciliation. My FWS said to me once, after the affair, but long years before D-Day, "you never want to have sex anywhere but the bedroom". Instantly, that comment was fried into my brain. I'd been rejected in almost every hotel room we'd ever been in, the living room, the kitchen, the spare bedroom, our bedroom, camping, and the list goes on. Literally many hundreds of times, after she got pregnant the first time, to the point that I stopped trying to initiate. I didn't know at that time that she'd had a sexual affair, in our home, in our bed, in our garage, and made out with him in our bathroom, and our kitchen, not to mention all the other places.

20+ years later, 14 years after D-Day, we still have that problem. Because of her issues, we can't really even talk about it.

And it didn’t fix it self.

The partner with the issues around sex has to continually work on this, actively, not passively. It will not go away with time.

Unfortunately, depending upon how troubled your partner is, you may have very few options. My FWS stopped trying to work on this issue after several years of counseling.

My options came down to acceptance, as difficult as that is, or divorce. I won't cheat, I love many things about my FWS, so I treat it as if she had cancer. I wouldn't leave if she had cancer, so I don't leave because she has this problem.

Do, therapy may help, but the partners have to continually work at it.