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Went to a wedding with WW last night, because why wouldn't a night full of triggers and an open bar be a bad idea?

Well, I actually had a great time for the most part.

The ceremony was outdoors and it was sunny, so thank God I was able to wear sunglasses. The ceremony was fucking hard. Every mention of commitment and faithfulness was like a knife twisting in my back. But WW was there for it, and despite the pain she's caused me, it was comforting.

After the ceremony, we were able to step away from everyone to talk. She told me the ceremony was hard for her too. That she was sorry for everything, for hurting me, and for breaking her vows. We cried a bit before making our way to the cocktail hour.

We didn't know anybody at this wedding other than the bride and groom, which normally makes weddings pretty lame, but it was great for this one. We were able to sit in a corner and actually be present with each other. We danced and had fun. It was everything I could have wanted. I was able to keep my shit together and focus on the good night. They didn't play our song, and that's probably a good thing, but I would have liked to hear it.

The ride home was a little rough. That's when all the thoughts started flooding my brain. Feeling the pain again. Wondering if all this was real. If we're capable of having such a good time in the wake of the devastation, where the fuck did we go wrong. It's a weird feeling, being the BS, and feeling guilty for trying to have a good time. It's not that I don't want to have fun, it's just hard. And part of me feels like it's counterproductive, being happy while I'm still broken inside. That WW needs to see me suffer to remember what she did. But I know that's no way to live my life. I need to live for me.

Reconciliation is still going well. We talk better than ever before. I still have sleepless nights and tons of flashbacks and rumination. There are times where I question myself. But I'm hopeful.

You did it. You made it through your first post-d-day wedding. A milestone for sure!
Weddings are tricky - it makes sense it dredged up a lot of feelings for you both. The good news is that it's totally socially acceptable to cry at weddings.

Glad you were able to have a good time. I remember some of those lighter moments during that first year were such a welcome injection of levity into what was such an otherwise emotionally loaded/heavy slog. They provided a really wonderful reminder of what we were working so hard at and a reminder that despite it all we loved each other and got along so well, and this was the light at the end of the tunnel.

Welcome to SI!

If we're capable of having such a good time in the wake of the devastation, where the fuck did we go wrong.

There is no "WE" in the wrong of the affair. You were undoubtedly an imperfect partner, but that has nothing to do with her affair. Keep those straight and make no apologies for trying to enjoy life where you can.

What work is she doing to become a safe partner?

There is no justification for infidelity.

Your WW had plenty of other options to chose from in order to cope with her own issues. She choose infidelity as a solution. Those choices were hers alone. She has no one to blame but herself.

Nothing you ever said or didn't say, nothing you ever did or didn't do, would have made any difference. It's not your fault.

Accept whatever faults or shortcomings you might have that contributed to conflict in your relationship (marriage). Address them with authenticity and courage.

Never blame yourself for her decision to stroll down Infidelity Lane. That's all on her, brother.

Glad the wedding went well— that is a big accomplishment.

(And yeah, I get that you are trying to R together, but your WS is the one who hosed things up.)

But glad you felt her support through a challenging event.

Sorry you had to find yourself here. Just read your bio. You've undoubtedly suffered as much as any BS could. How long was the affair, and how long have you been trying to reconcile?
Most importantly, what are you doing to take care of yourself?