SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First and foremost I want to saybI am sorry you have been struggling for so long. As a Nurse I want to impress on you that your should be forced to leave her current job and find another. Period. As a nurse there are tons of opportunities and she may even be able to increase her income. I have changed riles many times throughout my career and every single time except one I got a significant increase in pay. There is a nursing shortage and she can lake a change.

Second let go of the shame. You didn't chest she did. You knew in your gut things were off and got your proof. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. You did what you needed to to maintain your M and do not feel guilty for getting that proof.

This is a major trauma. It takes time to heal. Your W Should be doing anything you need to feel safe. If she isn't then she isn't invested in saving your M. You note she is done with IC. Did she figure out her why? Did she fix that broken stuff within herself? If not demand she go back.

You deserve to be loved and to feel safe and happy. If she isn't doing the work to help with that then please do not hesitate to see an attorney to learn your rights and her obligations if she fails to get her shit straight.

Did your WW give him money, because he might sill even now be a parasite on your WW.

If he's that kind of guy he will always look at WW as a source.

Did you get a polygraph or written timeline from your WW

Yes we have both been attending IC and CC at the same time. I'm still doing my IC. W IC is complete. Our CC has come to an end as we found its not helping anymore.

Hmmmm, I wonder why it is not working....*to be read in a sarcastic inner voice*? Perhaps it is because your WW is still in contact with her AP....?

I've never confronted the OM. Baldy wanted to after DD. But was advised not to by our CC. I still want to. Plus I k know ware he lives now.

In this case, I agree with your CC. It can only end badly for you, as you will be feeling the consequences of the law. It is unfair, but pretty much everything in an A is unfair, and it is something BS need to come to grips with. Talk to your IC about this, on how to manage the 'unfairness' of it all.

My WIfe dose say she will be leaving soon. But so far nothing.

firstly, she has not given any deadline for the new job + Red flag. It is possible she is dragging her feet on this to prolong her contact with her AP.

Secondly, it looks like she still values her job over your M. If she were truly remorseful, she would have been rushing to get out of her job and looking for a new one.

Sorry you are going through this, It is trauma that stays with you forever. Reconciliation is very difficult, a lot of hard work, even when both are doing their best.

Get "How to Help your Spuuse Heal from your affair". Its a quick read and good for both betrayed and betrayer. It shows just how hard it will be. My WH said he got a lot out of the book.

It sounds like your wife has not realized the harm she caused and is not fully committed to to the marriage.

I do not get this. Your wife should be on her knees begging you for another chance to put things right - not considering reasons for why she did it etc. She should be nowhere near this POS! And he should be fearful about his ability to walk properly on a dark night when he won't see it coming.

She fucked this turd! That would be game over for more than one reason! Her disrespect. Her disloyalty. And her complete lack of love for you!!!!

I'm just speculating, they continued their A after DD and they had a falling out. That's the reason she want to leave her job.

Hi Coxy,

I am so sorry that your wife gave you reason to look for a forum like this. It sounds like there are lot of unresolved issues, and it must be very hard for you to stay silent and play happy families in front of the kids, let alone being expected to accept the totally bogus 'nervous breakdown' cover story from your wife.

Is it any wonder that your emotional core is preventing you from moving on? You are effectively having a bus driven over you, and I believe you are back here because you sense the multiple red flags in the situation your wife wants you to ignore, and a bogus cover story that anyone would struggle to accept without question.

The whole 'mental breakdown' thing is nonsense. A smokescreen. Your wife carried on her affair for several months, even entering counseling with you after the first time you busted her, all the while ramping up her affair from emotional to physical. As a married mother of four and medical professional, it is fair to assume that she is intelligent enough to know right from wrong; to know what is an appropriate relationship at work, or with any male other than her husband and father of her children.

She knew what she was doing every second of every day. She just wants to avoid taking ownership of that, which in turn blocks your healing, and blocks her from addressing the lack of boundaries, integrity, love, and moral fiber that allowed her to actively lie and deceive you while you while she made the affair happen. She consciously decided to continue the affair by ignoring your pain, which you made abundantly clear to her. That is not a mental breakdown; that is callous indifference to your suffering, from someone who would probably claim that her life has been dedicated to making people better.

If there is anything that you are unhappy about, you are well within your rights to tell your wife that you are not prepared to 'move on' until she has answered your questions, cleared all uncertainty about her suitability as a continued life partner, and fully explained why she lied and escalated the affair after the first D-Day.

I apologise for this, but your wife sounds like a typical middle-aged woman who doubted her attractiveness, sought validation from the first younger man who could be bothered to pursue her, and who now wants to continue her life totally unaffected by any consequences of her self-indulgent betrayal of her husband and children. Is it any wonder that you struggle to go along with her project? Who would? For her AP, she was low-hanging fruit.

2.WS still works in the area of the OM however not directly with him anymore. Every time I think about that I feel completely stupid.

My heart goes out to you. Everyone here can imagine why this ridiculous situation hurts you. My first question to your wife would be, "Why are you so comfortable remaining around the man you betrayed your husband and children for if you genuinely regret anything that you did?"

I'm sorry, but your wife's desire to stay close to her affair partner, and to continue working with all the people who must have known about her affair, totally contradicts any suggestion that she sees anything she did as negative. She wants to remain at the scene of the crime because she is comfortable there. Which raises multiple questions.

My WIfe dose say she will be leaving soon. But so far nothing.

Time to put your foot down. Choose a date, and tell her that if she is not out of there by that deadline, you are going to lodge a complaint about her affair with her manager, the hospital management, the General Medical Council, and everyone you know.

I've never confronted the OM. Badly wanted to after DD. But was advised not to by our CC. I still want to. Plus I k know ware he lives now.

If life worked like a Martin Scorsese movie, the scene would open with the AP tied to a chair, and you circling him with a baseball bat. The reality is that confrontations tend to end up messy, and if things turn physical, someone ends up being charged with assault. It could be you, and how unjust would that be? So please try to put the revenge visit option on the backburner. Instead, if you want to make an impact, report the affair to your wife's manager as soon as she leaves that hospital, and ask him/her to confirm in writing what the hospital's policy is towards sexual affairs in the workplace, and what measures they implement to prevent them. They won't like that. They may brush you off with some general disclaimer, but behind the scenes, they will investigate what is going on. Make his managers aware of the affair and ask them if they approve. Don't turn up at his house wanting a fight. He may deserve a beating, but if you deliver it, you will end up in trouble. Report him, and demand an answer from his managers.

More than anything, if you are not prepared to move forward without more positive actions from your wife, tell her. If she wants to remain married to you after what she has done, she cannot be the one dictating the gameplay. You are the one who decides that.

[This message edited by M1965 at 10:54 AM, Friday, June 21st]

Her IC complete?
Look – I’m a pretty collected and together sort-of-guy. I have my sh%t together and haven’t been to IC other than the therapy I got for my PTSD years ago. Haven’t paid to lay on a couch for over a decade. Yet... I would seriously hesitate in stating I was so mentally "healed" to not benefit from therapy. I still use all sorts of methods – self-evaluation, set goals, meditation – simply to focus myself on self-improvement and mental health.
I have a sneaky feeling that your wife attending IC and then coming home with the statement "Don’t have to go there. I’m healed" is a bit like if she came home from a healthy-lifestyle cooking course, claims she now knows how to cook grilled salmon and salads, but still insists on ordering hamburgers and fries.

This sneaky feeling is supported by what I sense (from the relatively little you share) as dismissive behavior on her behalf, and a reluctance to work at healing. Definitely ready to work at dismissing (or rug-sweeping as we like to call it) – but not so healing.

Both IC and MC/CC are a lot like personal trainers at a gym. They can guide you to a better place, they can teach you tricks to increase your mental/physical health, they can tell you what to eat/how to think, what exercises to do and all that... but it’s not until you apply what you learn that any healing starts.

I find – based on what you share – that she is minimizing and rug-sweeping and just trying to bulldoze past this "slight digression".

For what it’s worth I agree that contacting OM will do little.

As tushnurse – our resident SI nurse – says, and as my wife a registered nurse confirms – nurses can get jobs at the drop of a hat. My wife is a nurse and recently had a knee-replacement. She was offered a job at the institution the operation was done, as well as at the physiotherapy-center she went for after-treatment. As a nurse your wife has opportunities all over, and hospitals generally are not the ones offering the highest pay

Finally: I want to share a story I have shared dozens of times here on SI:
About a decade ago a man I managed was caught having an affair with a woman at our place of work. The OW worked in another department in another building. I know for a fact that the affair ended on d-day and BOTH WH and OW committed to as much NC as possible. The man would avoid the joint canteen, I ensured he had another contact in the OW department (billing), he didn’t attend company events... About six months later, the OW quit for another job. Shortly later the man (my staff-member) shared with me that things were finally improving with his wife. That while the OW and he were working at the same company – despite his commitment to NC, despite separate buildings, despite avoiding instances they could meet... – his wife felt too much fear/anxiety to commit to reconciliation. Once the OW was out of the picture, she felt confident to work towards reconciliation.
Funny thing is that the OW moved to a job only a couple of miles away, they could still hook up if they wanted to and all that. But now the WH and his wife can at least attend the annual company party, the Christmas events and all that, and she can be confident that her husband and his lover aren’t "photocopying" together in some locked room.

I think you might be facing a comparable dilemma: If he is a porter, he probably runs errands all over the hospital. He can be collecting samples or bringing the dinner-cart and still have the occasional casual chat with your wife. Maybe she avoids him. Probably nothing sexual and all that. But... YOU don’t KNOW. That will hold you up. That will prevent YOUR healing.
It will also eat at you that your wife has a separate world where you really don’t have a visa to visit. Like... if the nurses/ward have a garden-party... will you be invited with the other spouses? Will you be wondering about the looks (because – no matter what your wife says EVERYONE knows about the affair) you are getting from other. Is their interest in you a sign of compassion, of pity or of contempt? Or will your wife insist on going alone so she can continue to be seen as this "powerful independent" woman that doesn’t allow the conventional bonds of society hold her back?

Friend – I know the posts you are getting are hard. Well... They are... I recommend you go back to my very first post on your situation and read it through. I still think it outlines your path going forwards, and it will get you out of infidelity – probably with your wife.