SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is fresh & new & truly awful. I've read a lot here, I know all the feels are normal.

I really want him to suffer. I know he can't & doesn't hurt like I do, but I want him to see what he has truly done to me. I want to say all the awful things. I want to really dig it in that I am betrayed & devastated & hurt all because he's an idiot. He's why I can't sleep, can't eat. He's why I can't stop crying & don't feel safe.

I don't know where our marriage will end up, but for now, I want him right here in our home seeing the actual devastation he has caused.

Is that part normal?

Is that part normal?

For me absolutely.
I still do this and honestly if he didn’t see the devastation he caused me and how it impacted our kids, our finances, our whole ass lives he wouldn’t have changed so fast.
In my opinion it is absolutely important that they see and feel everything they caused. When I would cry in bed (I did nightly the first 4 months) I would text him and ask him to hold me. He would hold me and we would cry together for a long time. I would do most of the crying but every time I cried I felt him die with me.

When he saw how his selfish actions destroyed me and his family he "loved" that is when he started to change and he continues still.

Sometimes I feel the need to have him see what he’s done but 8 months out I’ve slowed down , maybe I’m exhausted, maybe I know now he sees because he tells me how sorry he is even on my good days? Idk.

He did this and he will feel everything I feel.

Very normal. Hurt people, hurt people.

Why hold it in? You don’t have to go overboard with yelling and throwing things, but why shouldn’t you let him know how you feel? He should know. If he has any shred of empathy, decency, humanity he will hear you and fully understand how bad he fucked up.

I told my WW a lot of awful things, I meant every single thing and i don’t apologize or regret what I said.

He gets to cheat on you, again, but he doesn’t get to face the consequences? Naw. Especially if he is even thinking R might be possible again. He better be ready to take every hateful word you can say to him.

All I will caution is this. If you really think D is a possibility (and I completely think it should be), then it’s best if you don’t say anything at all and save it for IC. In divorce you have to take all emotions out and treat it like a business transaction, and you have to no longer assume your spouse won’t try to screw you over. He has already proven at least twice he will. Any anger or outbursts can be used by a lawyer against you. Don’t believe me, go on YouTube and watch divorce proceedings.

Groot, can I ask how you have slept in the same bed with your WH? I have & havent; bed, couch or in with my daughter. When we were both in the bed, I didn't want him to touch me even accidentally. Yet, sometimes when I'm crying I want a hug. I think that's because I want to feel safe, & he always did that. But he took that safety away. Why do I still want him. I'm so confused. I also can see how I'm feeling is destroying him. Right now, I'm glad!!

HellIsNotHalfFull, the D word scares the hell outta me. But it's probably my reality moving forward

PinkTulip,

FWIW, I actually really understand where you’re coming from. My WW had an EA when we were engaged. To give her credit she admitted to it on her own and told me how much she regretted it. I rugswept it, but for almost 20 years she would bring it up, tell me how much she loved me how awful what she did was etc. Then we made peace with it, and within the year she was having another affair, this time full EA/PA.

I bring this up because I am still in R. One of the most important things that allowed me to R was I got over my fear of D. I took time to myself, I rediscovered my own value, and realized that I will be ok with or without her. Splitting the family was the hardest part, especially with 5 young kids, but I had to come to terms with it. It sucks, I never wanted to be in a place where that was possible, but it is reality and a potential consequence.

Empower yourself. Go see a few lawyers, there’s even a website that rates lawyers by other lawyers. Just get the consultation, a lot of them will do it pro bono. Once the mystery and unknown of D is dissolved it will be a lot easier.

I am not telling you what to do, only suggesting that the more you know the better you can make a decision when you are ready.
Yes it’s a risk, I know that my WW definitely has the track record and she sure as hell has proven she would likely do it again. To me, it’s an acceptable risk, but I’m not blind or being a fool. I will leave if I have to, even if she doesn’t cheat again.

It takes time to get there. The more you know and prepare yourself to better you will feel and will be able to make a decision when you are ready. Fear will only hold you back.

Also, don’t let your WH put any blame on you for his cheating, at all. He cheated because he wanted to.

Not only is it normal,it's necessary. He needs to see the fallout of his decisions,to fully understand what infidelity does. You are forever changed.

What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

I am right there with you PinkTulip. Especially because mine does not give two sh*ts about how hurt I am and won’t even talk to me. He sees me cry and gets annoyed and walks away. So not only am I left wondering how someone can cheat and abuse someone else emotionally like he did, but how I could have ever married a monster who doesn’t even care about how he broke me. I want him to suffer, but I also realized that there is no karma or suffering for him that won’t affect our kids negatively. So I can’t even really wish for suffering without feeling guilty about how my kids would also suffer somehow.

One of the things I have done is ask my husband to repeat some of the things I say to him.

So, if I say "my soul feels like someone has taken it out of my body", I ask him to repeat that and he will. I ask him to say it again, and understand what it means, to tell me how it happened to me, who took that soul and how it happened. He gets it. It has helped.

But the biggest change for him came when I asked him to read a book. It’s called Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the box. It opened his eyes to how he viewed himself and other people. It has absolutely nothing to do with affairs at all, so it was something he was more willing to read. It’s amazing and made a huge change in my life, and his.

Pink tulip

It’s weird.

We haven’t stopped sleeping in the same bed together and our sex life hasn’t stopped. I’m sure the hysterical bonding hasn’t helped but with that being said sex is fine and usually initiated by me but allowing him to emotionally comfort me now is hard.

He wants to watch movies , cuddle, hold my hand , etc and that is getting harder for me. He is trying to emotionally reconnect and I’m not all in yet and won’t be for a while. There are many times I leave the couch in the middle of a show after laughing with him and lay in bed before he comes so I can fall asleep alone. Its like a light switch with me.

The first 4 months I felt I "needed" him to comfort me and see my pain and I probably did. Now cuddling, kissing , hand holding I feel is up to me now , not him and if I give in and initiate it then he should consider that a gift.

I hope that makes sense.

Why hold it in? You don’t have to go overboard with yelling and throwing things, but why shouldn’t you let him know how you feel? He should know. If he has any shred of empathy, decency, humanity he will hear you and fully understand how bad he fucked up

^^^This!

After my D-Day I held nothing back, the tears, the rage (not in front of my kids), discussions about the absolute disgust I felt.

IMO they have to SEE it and HEAR it repeatedly until it sinks in.

It didn't take my WH long to realize HIS life was not going to be the same as well. When WS truly comprehend the damage they caused AND the impact and consequences on their lives on top of ....spouse, job, freedom, children, true understanding sets in.

My WH not only had to deal with me and my rage/depression/tears, he also had to shift how he did his job, eliminated 90% of his travel schedule, stop socializing with his friends, be accountable and completely transparent at all times, and going home daily to a wife who could barely function for a long, long time.

My WH did suffer in many ways, his life was completely upended as well, I think what you are feeling is absolutely normal.