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I’ve been feeling pretty numb towards my WH lately. Thoughts of his A constantly consumes nearly every thought of every day since my Dday in October 2023. It’s like I live and breathe his infidelity all day long … I don’t want to … all I want is to "heal" and put my best foot forward … but I can’t help it, I’m stuck wallowing and am in hard limbo (or so it feels).

Shall I say we "disagree" a lot about what it is that he ACTUALLY did to me, his children. I express to him that "he threw away" a relationship of 13 years, marriage of 8 years and his 2 beautiful children - threw us away like trash. How is it humanly possible to chose temporary gratification of a few minutes here and there over his own family … essentially over the rest of his life?! He tells me he never threw us away, never, not once was that his intention (wtf?!) What exactly is it that you did then, because that’s exactly what it feels like?!

I hate using the term "husband" and "father" because it’s almost fake sounding when I have to say those words and I feel like he doesn’t deserve to have these "titles" attached to him. He hasn’t been there for us emotionally/mentally like a true husband/father these past few years. I’m angered that it took something as drastic as having an A to wake him up to realize what he had sitting in front of him this whole time. Beyond unfair.

He never wore his wedding ring after we got married because it was too big and due to the material we couldn’t get it resized - so he just never wore it, it didn’t bother me … we talked about getting one that fit but didn’t ever follow through with it. About 4 months ago he decided to "dust off" that ring and has decided to wear it every second of every day since (I could just gag). I told him he couldn’t be bothered to wear it these past 8 years, why wear it now after all this time? You broke your vows and have no business wearing it, especially now!

There is no rhyme or reason for this post, other than I’ve been in a bit of a slump and needed to vocalize my thoughts somewhere.

Feel free to join my pity party post. Anything that is bothering you or needing to get off your chest … comment below!

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. You've been heard.

Hi. I am sorry you are here. It is ok to share how you feel. It does help. I hear you.

It is interesting how waywards didn’t intend. As adults we know there are consequences to choices and actions. You and your families pain is a consequence. Consequences must be expected.

My ex had a wedding ring, he left it in the car when he went out with his girlfriend. It is a choice.

Reconciling takes courage, energy and so much heart. Don’t get discouraged. Big hug

Let it out Heartbroken, it does help to vent, especially to others who understand and get it. I feel your pain and you are not alone.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 10:11 AM, Wednesday, June 26th]

My WH would go home to shower after throwing a shift at work to go meet his AP. At that stage he would see his wedding ring in the same place he leaves it every morning. Funny how he didn’t put it on like he does every second of every day (other than work) now he has been found out.

Now I struggle to even wear mine, I only put them on in front of people who I don’t want to know about the affair. Other than that the big fancy dumb engagement ring now just sits there. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think Heartbrokenwife these thoughts will
Slowly get less intense but shit they suck. Pity party away…..god knows we all deserve a bit of a pity party now and then!

Heartbrokenwife, I can relate so much.
Keep venting, keep talking, write it out, scream it out.

I am a lot like you in the sense that I live the affair most of the day, my thoughts are consumed by it, I explain it to my H as wash, rinse, repeat... all damn day some times at the end of the night i literally feel I may get sick.

It is like my brain has to find all of the horrible things he did and re think and relive them and it is like that ring just will not close in my brain. I am hoping EMDR will help soon but EMDR also scares tf out of me so im dipping my toes in.

I get about 3 goodish hours in the AM, MOST days and during that time the affair slowly creeps in to my thoughts and then when it hits me all over again I spiral the rest of the day.

My H always wore his ring and didn't take it off even during the A ... he doesn't wear that one anymore he wears a rubber one because I couldn't handle him wearing that ring anymore knowing it touched her nasty ass.

My H also used the same analogy yours did. "I didn't throw you away or the kids away, I never intended to leave."
That didn't last long , he only said that maybe once and if he ever said it again I would boot his ass out.
I don't care what their logic is they chose to throw us away when they made the decision to cheat, they betrayed us, their vows, their morals, their children and at that point they chose divorce without actually saying it. After I explained to my H that he NEVER said it again, all we were to him at that time was trash.

Reconciliation is a gift and if it wasn't for us trying to heal and forgive and keep our families together then IT WOULD have equated to them throwing us away forever, instead we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and are finding our worth after our spouses shattered us.

I can add to the venting :)

My H now is the BEST dad , hitting golf clubs with our kids in the back yard, being more patient, talking about signing them up for extra things such as dance and gymnastics. He looks at them with the eyes a dad should always look at his kids with, the eyes of pure love and admiration, the look of "I will lay my life down for you forever".

He never did that, he always considered our kids as "Getting in his way of his own dreams"
The fact he was ever capable of not thinking his kids were the best thing in life still gets me sick, it does him too of course butttttttttt how could he ever have been that selfish?
Looking back I see that he cared more about how others made him feel vs me bringing FOUR beautiful children into this world, what kind of person did I marry?

I watch him play with the kids now and it should make me happy but sometimes it just makes me sad, they always deserved to be the stars in his sky and sadly , they weren't. He is making so much progress and hes discovering what love is but it took this for that to happen?

He tells me that although he isn't happy he did what he did , it changed him and made him realize he needed to grow up and change his ways, get counseling, find God .... etc.

Thanks for killing me on the way to self discovery bro.

emergent8

Thank you ❤️

Tallgirl

I don’t think I will ever understand his "lack of intent" to destroy his family in such a disgusting way.

R is such a hard path and I don’t think I’ve quite committed to it yet. I’m trying (sometimes) … I think my pride keeps getting in the way of being fully committed.

Thank you for your response ❤️

Copingmybest

Thank you ❤️ … there’s no better group then SI to let it all out.

Webbit

I honestly don’t remember the last time I wore my ring. Definitely not since this has happened and before I could honestly take it or leave it … I wasn’t proud or happy with the state of my marriage prior to the A either, so wearing it seemed pointless. When I see him wear his, I laugh to myself and think how pathetic he is and how desperately he’s grasping at something to hold onto. As if wearing that ring after all these years (especially now after what he’s done) is extremely hypocritical as to why we exchanged rings/vows etc in the first place.

I pray these thoughts/feelings will lessen over time, but for the past couple of months I feel so angry and as the days go by keep getting more angry and more angry - more distant. Praying for some good days soon. But yes, sometimes we just need to wallow in a pity party.

Groot

I resonate so much with you and your situation … it’s scary actually 😂 I agree and relate to every word in your response.

My WH was such a shit dad too. Keyword being WAS. Just like yours, my WH sees the value in his children and realizes he’s missed out on so much of their lives (and their only 7 and 4). He had absolute zero patience, zero motivation to be a loving, caring and present father (the same goes as his role as being a husband). NOW, he gets it. He sees it NOW. Why NOW? Maybe just do these things and be awesome because your children (and me) deserve nothing less.

Right?! The effort and changes that are being made are extremely hurtful. In hindsight, yes these changes are great except they make me sad and offer a sick reminder of how these changes came to light.

Like, I’m so happy you’re on the path to being a better person and making these beneficial changes to your life and wellbeing. Here … let me give you back this knife … you know, the one you stabbed me and your children’s backs with repeatedly until we could no longer pick ourselves up. Thanks.