SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been almost 3 years since Dday. I decided to try for R then and I don't regret it, never did. I know this was the best course of action for me, even though, to be honest, the reasons at the begining were all wrong. I just couldn't imagine my life without him in it, he was my first relationship, so I didn't properly consider D at the time, especially because he seemed to be all in. And he still is, there were no red flags since dday2, some bumps in the road, but they were minor, so I can't really complain about much relationship wise since then. But to even begin healing, I had to detach from him and to let go of the outcome. I got that a lot here on SI in the early days and it seemed so counterproductive to me at the time, but it happened anyway. Gradually, but surely and it was necessary for me, for my wellbeing. I still love him, I think I am still in love with him, but there is a rift between us, a wall of my making which I don't seem to be willing to tear down completely.

Primarily because I am afraid, terrified actually, to be hurt like that again. His actions destroyed me in a way I never thought possible. I never thought anyone could hurt me like that, let alone the person who claimed to love me most in the world, who should have my back, not stick a knife in it repeatedly. The pain was so immense, for so long. So I withdrew. I love him, I want to be with him, but I don't trust him at all. With my heart I mean, I trust him with pretty much everything else. I would trust him with my life, but my heart is another matter. Not because he didn't do the work. He is doing a lot to make me feel safe, pretty much everything I can think of, except IC, and I really don't think he is cheating now, but I don't trust myself either. I felt it in my gut when he first started hiding things from me, even before his first affair turned PA, but over time, unfortunately he became a much better liar. And his behaviour towards me, towards our kids, didn't change much in the 9 years of hell. He was acting just as loving then as he is now, so even with him doing everything right now, it gives me little reassurance. And consequently, I don't let myself tear down the walls between us. I let myself hope things will be better with us someday, but I don't give myself permission to truly believe it. Because if I believe in us again, like I did before, if I give myself completely to him again, I feel that will give him means to destroy me again. And I can't survive this again. I just can't.

I have come a long way since dday. I came to a point, where I am comfortable with both possible outcomes for us. I prefer to R, but if he cheats again, if he lies to me ever again, I am gone. I have a detailed plan and I could leave or kick him out the same day. And I am at peace with both outcomes. I often visualise both of them and I can see myself happy either way. By myself in a little appartment somewhere near the sea, or us together, in love, happy, connected, everything I thought we had before and more. But this is a dream, in reality I stay detached, not letting him as close as he would like to be, as close I believe two partners should be. I want closeness and real intimacy again, I know living like we do now is not the way to go, but I just can't give myself permission to let him in again. I want to, but then I freeze, because I am terrified he will destroy me again. I can't live through such pain again. So I am in a kind of impasse. Comfortable enough in my current position, but at the same time knowing it is not good for me or for us in the long run. It is not limbo, I know what I want and I don't doubt my decision to stay, but I sometimes doubt my ability .

And then there is another reason for holding back. Injustice. In a way I feel, that if we fully R, he will be getting away with no real consequences and it really is bothering me. I think it was waitedwaytoolong who wrote a while back, that he thought his WW deserved to be happy, just didn't deserve to be happy with him and it really hit home with me. I don't think my WH is a bad guy, on the contrary, apart for the affairs and related lying, I believe he is a good person at his core and I do believe he deserves to be happy. But the problem is, I don't think he deserves to keep me and our family and live on as nothing has changed, when he threw us away for cheap sex and ego kibbles. I know the popular opinion is that waywards who are really remorseful, don't really walk away scot-free. That they have to live with themselves and with what they did. And I get it. I see it in my WH, I see the pain and the shame he is in. But it is NOTHING compared to what he put me through and the bottom line is, I don't think he deserves to stay married to me, to keep what we had, after what he did. On the other hand, I also deserve to be happy and I chose to stay in this relationship, I choose it again every day, and I want to be happy with him, so another impasse.

How do I get through this? How do I stop myself from freezing every time I think about letting him close again? How do I let myself truly believe there is a future for us after what he did? How do I let my guard down?

Zeta, I'm at 3-1/4 years post DDay. I wish I had some magical answer for you, but sadly, at 4 am while I continue to mull over my own future plans, I have nothing to offer other than I completely understand what you're feeling. I'm in the same boat. It seems so unjust that our wayward spouses get to destroy us and barely have to feel much in the way of consequences. Maybe my WW is suffering from them, I just don't know. Elaborating on her feelings is not her strong suit. I too have erected a wall and have shut her out from my feelings. In the 3 years she's not been very supportive in what I've gone through and through IC I have recently acknowledged that I will meet my own emotional needs. I do this through close supportive friends, but I could easily be woo'd by a compassionate strangers ear and words at this stage. I understand the slippery slope that presents and fortunately I possess an extremely high level of integrity in where I could never let another make me break a promise. The heart wants what the heart wants though and I feel, like you, that I'm at an impass trying to figure out where my life goes. I love my wife with all my heart, well, what's left of it, but I want so much more. I hope you are able to find peace soon, this is. O way to live.

Zeta - I’m 10 months out and feel this exact thing. Except for me it’s the thing that keeps me from fully committing to R.

There is no way he deserves my forgiveness, ever, he even agrees. He is a ‘perfect’ WS doing everything he should be. But I know I am staying with him is because of kids and financial reasons with a bit of care and hope thrown in. He also knows this and knows I don’t believe he loves me how I loved him and that I will never trust nor love him properly ever again.

I actually see myself staying with him until our youngest is close to leaving home and then we seperate. Like you I now know my exit plan and the only reason I don’t use it now is mainly because of all the time I will lose with my son.

In saying that I still believe I can have a happy relationship with him in the interim. We get on well, run a successful household, have good sex and are generally happy. It’s just that fact he ‘fucked a 23 year old’ that gets in the way of our perfect marriage 🙄

Zeta,

The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover. To R, you have to recover and rebuild. I've met a fair number of SIers, and the ones who R say they're on the '5 year plan' or they're just plain 'slow.'

Recovering is a lot of work. Rebuilding is a lot more work.

I do encourage yo to take more risks in being close. I write that because I think the BS is wise to keep testing the WS. If the WS steps up, great. If not, not so great, but at least the BS gets good evidence on which to base their next actions.

R is always a risk - big risk, big payoff. I think you have the right mindset, but you need more time to know what the next stages in your story will be. (I guess that's a truism.) Hang in; keep going.

You’re absolutely right, he doesn’t deserve to be married to you. No cheater deserves to keep their relationship. In order to get past that though, you have to let go of justice.

Does it matter if he gets a pardon? That’s for you to decide. I have found, at least for me, holding on to how unjust my WW affair was and everything was literally killing me. I chose R, the unfairness of it is part of my decision. It really was like a poison and though it seeped out and I hurt her, it was hurting me way more. I had to accept that if I wanted to fully R, I have to accept that I will never get the justice or anything else that I wanted. Just the way the world works.

TBF, my WW is still facing consequences even two years later. A close family member already suspected and confronted her about it just the other week. So yes she gets to keep her marriage and family, but she also gets to face the continuing consequences of her Affair.

You don’t have to forgive, and definitely I know you will never forget, but find a way to accept if you can, not for your WH, for yourself.

If you can’t, that’s completely normal and very reasonable for a response to cheating, especially multiple times. Be honest with yourself, if it’s truly a permanent deal breaker then it is and nothing will ever change that. Then you have to make the best decision for yourself.

Loving someone is a risk, regardless of previous circumstances. We invest and we project our own morals, beliefs and values on to the other, and then we get hit with a major dose of reality that the other isn’t at all who we wanted them to be. Letting go of that wall is a risk, a huge one. I don’t believe though it will make you happy, nor would it just go away if you D and found someone else in the future. First step in letting it down is accepting injustice.

I am not at all saying jump back in fully with open heart, you’re not even close to that point nor do I think your WH has proven he is worthy of it. I have found, for me, this is what has helped me let my wall down. A lot of it is based on my WW, her actions.

He is doing a lot to make me feel safe, pretty much everything I can think of, except IC

What has he been doing to change himself, specifically? To grow as a human being?

What has he been doing to change himself, specifically? To grow as a human being?

HoP, I have been thinking a lot about this in the past year or so. He has been nearly perfect in his actions to make me feel safe, with total transparency, no lies, no blameshifting, predicting which situations might be problematic or triggering for me and making sure I knew exactly what he was doing in those situations. He did that from the start, with no resentments, no holding back, no pressuring me to get over it.

But as to changing himself, he has been much slower on that part. No IC, as I mentioned, but I am not holding that against him. We live in a small European country, where therapy is not as common as maybe in the US and the field is not very well regulated, or not at all. Anyone can call himself a therapist, there is no license, no regulation, no formal education required. It is available, one can study psychotherapy at the university and there are therapists with the degree, but also many, who just think they are good at talking to people and take this road. We had a pretty bad experience in the beginning, with a guy who is supposed to be specialized in infidelity trauma, but is really a quack. As we found out later, he studied economics, than was a teacher for a couple of years and later decided he would pursue a career in therapy. He told my WH it was a mistake to tell me about everything, because it supposedly just unburdened him and burdened me and he should just tell me what I already knew, stop with the rest and live happily ever after . And then, after I called him out on that, after I said I can't stand lies and only total honesty will ever work with me, he said that I have too high moral standards and that maybe my WH was just not up to it and that is why he cheated .

Anyway, all this to say, that neither of us is in IC and we are not in MC either. I rely on this forum and books for my healing. I told him about this place, even hoped he might benefit from it, but he didn't stick around. I guess he had to find his own way. He read some books, two recommended by me (Not just friends and How to help your spouse heal from your affair), the others he found himself, he listened to some podcasts. He had done a lot of introspection, got to some of the whys, but still on a pretty superficial level (I fell in love, I felt entitled, I needed to grow up, I was selfish...). He still has work to do on that, IMHO. He doesn't see it this way exactly, he feels any searching for deeper reasons is trying to find excuses for himself. He says he did it, it was his decision and doesn't want to hide behind FOO or other problems. And believes he has learned from it and is confident he would never go down that road again. He does recognize the slippery slope he put himself on and he has much stronger boundaries now. He is aware of his tendencies to compartmentalize and is mindful of them. We talked a lot, especially in the first two years, about everything, and I did see a change in his thinking. There is no more entitlement, much of his selfishness is gone, I won't say he is completely selfless now, but there is a healthy combination of shelfishness and selflessnes in him. All in all, I do believe he has changed, but I don't trust him still and I don't know if he is a safe partner for me now. I guess I have to wait and see if he really changed enough and if the change is permanent.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 8:51 AM, Thursday, June 27th]

Thank you, everyone. Logically I get it, in order to R, I have to take a risk and stop keeping him at arm's length. Emotionally however, it is so hard to take this leap of faith. It is hard to even say I love you to him. And I do love him and he knows it, just saying it out loud is almost mission impossible these days . Maybe I just need more time. I probably need to see more from him to determine if he really is safe for me. Or maybe this actually is a dealbreaker for me. I don't want it to be and I really hope I can accept and stay with him. There are times when I feel we could make it and I could let go of the injustice and accept the new M, other times I just don't know if I will ever be able to let my guard down with him.