SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I decided to make this a new thread as an update. First I really appreciate everyone and your support. I know I don’t respond to everyone but I do read every comment when I post. The help, perspective, and just being heard has been invaluable.

So in regards to the mystery account on WW SM. It’s been a shitstorm since i brought it up, but tonight has been the nail I suppose.

Basically I told her the minute he sent her his picture she should have blocked him and that this is a boundary violation for me. Then I told her she should block him.

And, it’s been nonstop rage at me since. I was told he hadn’t done anything wrong and doesn’t deserve to be blocked. I told her as her husband I have every right to say it’s wrong and she needs to block him. More rage.
She’s not going to. And that’s fine. Hope it works out for her.

So there it is. A stranger on the internet is more important than me, her husband who she already betrayed. Oh, got called controlling and immature. Is there a shit cheaters say bingo card? I definitely got a bingo.

I’m ok, I don’t believe any of her bullshit. I heard these exact same things during her A, almost verbatim. And she should have blocked him immediately, not fight me on it. I’m not going to fight her, it’s pointless.

I don’t regret trying to rebuild. I’m not even angry at her. It’s almost a relief she let this slip now.

This isn’t a me problem, there is something so wrong with her that she just can’t help it I guess.

I'd almost day that you got a black out bingo. So sorry, HINHF. I understand you stepping away for awhile. We're here to support you when you need it.

ETA: There's a thread in the D/S forum to post and stay NC. Use it to vent if you need.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:36 AM, Wednesday, July 10th]

Please,please,please put security cameras around the house, and carry a var on you AT ALL TIMES.

Cheating wives are notorious for filing false dv charges, when they're losing control of their bh.

This isn't a stranger. It's the OM. No sane woman gives a shit about a random guy on the internet. She's raging because she knows it's om,and she's using rage to try and manipulate you into shutting down.

If she says she is suicidal, call 911.

Clarity is always good. When you know what the future holds, you can get after it without fear.

Sending strength!

No sane woman gives a shit about a random guy on the internet.

^^^BINGO!

So sorry, please focus on you and your children. I hope she isn't acting out in front of the kids.

Hellfire,

Yeah, I hear you. I don’t want to believe she would stoop so low but I can’t really afford that risk.

I don’t really know if it’s AP or not. If it is, well then it’s an amazing achievement of deception to create this. I haven’t said everything, but I did find the messages from the other SM platform where they met. So I don’t think it’s AP, and I’m not going to waste my energy on trying to find out if it is. It was still a single guy, first complains about how he never had a GF, then sends a pic asking if there is something wrong with him. I didn’t see the pic, but instead of just immediately blocking, she told him don’t do that again it’s inappropriate. Like, yeah that’s a good response, but I still feel it’s breaking my boundaries to keep engaging with him. I even asked why she had to be the one to help him find a GF? That also is a boundary violation for me, I told her she can no longer be a therapist for any men, especially a rando who isn’t my friend at all.

I get that it’s SM, and that if everything is at seems they will never meet or whatever, but it’s the principle. It’s opening a door that I said can never be opened again, regardless of the circumstances.

And, I don’t think it’s controlling of me to ask for him to be blocked. Key there, asked. This account bothers me, I don’t think it’s appropriate and i think he should be blocked.

Just why did that turn into such a rage fest?

Not sure of next steps. I am still being insulted and told I’m a on a power trip and being an asshole, but I am ignoring those texts. I don’t need to defend my position or boundaries.

Take note to those reading this, if your WS is acting this way, it’s a complete waste of time to try and argue or defend yourself. WS wants to be right and in some sort of control or something, it’s not worth digging into why as well. It’s not a healthy relationship, two normal people can have a conversation about stuff like this and it won’t become a rage fest. At the very least a compromise should have been offered without anger.

Due to circumstances I can’t do anything for the next few months, so I will have to take some time and just figure out what to do in the meantime.

Sorry HellIsNotHalfFull, you do what you need to keep sanity and be happy. Come back any time to vent, or just interact. That’s what I love about this place, there is tons of support and after what we’ve all been through we need that. Best of luck my friend!

The whole impetus for her affair with previous OM was that she was trying to help someone who was a wounded bird... or pretends to be one to get close to her. This is the exact same MO.

And just to emphasize what Hellfire said, your wife is dangerous... and she will become more volatile and unpredictable once it sinks in that she's lost you for good.

Keep a VAR on you at all times. Call the police at any mention of self-harm or suicide, and please tell your children to do the same. In fact, tell your kids that if they feel scared or in danger in any way while with your wife to get help immediately.

Lastly, I get that you want to take a break from the site, but please check in occasion to let us know you're OK. I'm seriously worried about you, and I know I'm not alone in that my concern.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:15 PM, Wednesday, July 10th]

I'm seriously worried about you, and I know I'm not alone in that my concern.

Definitely not alone in this. Stand strong, brother.

Stay strong HINHF and protect yourself... VARs/hidden cameras, witnesses if possible (your kids/family/neighbors etc.)

Talk to your attorney, I know you've stated that divorce is not your friend but I'd talk to your attorney to see about moving money around. Get your paycheck deposited to a separate account, I don't know who pays the bills in the household but you better start taking over that responsibility, especially if you cut off her cash flow. It is not uncommon for a bitter spouse to start neglecting bills to hoard cash for themselves in anticipation of divorce/separation especially a Stay-At-Home-Spouse. You do not want your house to go into foreclosure because she's 'forgotten' to pay the mortgage the past few months. Heck, you may find evidence of financial infidelity as well in the recent past. Get rid of the joint credit cards if your attorney gives you the go-ahead.

You think she's raging the past couple of days over your response to the SM contact? Just wait until you turn off the cash flow... Stay firm. Time for your WW to start looking for a job to see how she's going to support herself in the future.

I believe your children are older, correct? Pre-teens and teenagers? They don't need a SAHM anymore. It's time for your WW to have a bucket of cold water dumped on her. Have a talk with her, tell her she needs to get a job and then tell her what bills will be her responsibility going forward. It will not be an even half and half split, but let her know that she will start paying the utilities or maybe the internet and cell phone bills. She wants to have 'fun' with random men online... she can pay for it.

Then after that talk... go hard 180 on her. Only discuss bills and children. She refuses to pay for internet and cell phones? Well, they're nice to have but not needed to survive. If kids need internet for schooling, you get a new phone with a hotspot and they can connect through your phone.

Stay in contact with your attorney

Whether or not it's AP is neither here nor there in terms of protecting an M. The AP could have been anyone, there's another potential AP around every corner, etc. Proving it's him isn't necessary.

Red flags though:

1. Why did she accept his request and follow him back when she is supposed to be proving herself? If she is supposed to be on her best behavior right now, then what will you get from her when you are no longer on high alert? Definite red flag for future problems.

2.

it’s been nonstop rage at me since. I was told he hadn’t done anything wrong and doesn’t deserve to be blocked.

Why does she respond this way instead of with sensitivity and apologies? To be clear, she is worried about a stranger's feelings about being blocked but not her BH's feelings? THIS is the definition of lacking remorse. She is completely selfish and lacking in empathy.

3.

got called controlling and immature.

Do you remember your post about "why was she so cruel?" You mean, Why IS she so cruel...every time she doesn't get her way! Because her cruelness is not in the past; it's a personality flaw. She is emotionally and verbally abusive.

4. I have no idea if she showed any of these signs in the years prior to the affair, but people DO change--and I don't necessarily mean for the better. Mid-life crisis? Yes. But that doesn't make it a phase. The crisis can and often does cause a permanent change, and that seems to be the case with your WW. I am reminded of (I read this, so idk) Reese Witherspoon's exH. Not affair related, but still ego related. I guess he hit his 40s and started to detach from the family. He got new, very young friends in their 20s and 30s. He started wearing the thick gold chains, backwards ball caps, high tops and hip hop attire; no more dad clothes. I guess he just started acting weird as heck, partying all the time and listening to music like a 16 year-old. It was embarrassing to all who know him, but he would not change back! Period. He let himself get divorced so that he could retain his new youthful identity. Very sad, but I guess what I'm saying is that your WW is acting as if she wants, misses, enjoyed being "that way," the desirable way she saw herself when in the A. Why else would she accept this second random request from a man? And be defensive about it? She's protective about the attention and wants to keep it. Because she liked the way she saw herself and felt then--your feelings be damned. She has to want to be a responsible and boring adult, but she doesn't want that. She wants excitement and attention. You can't fix that.

5. Lastly, and this is a sensitive topic, but her emotional outbursts and suicide attempts and always going on and on about how you are the cause are very immature and manipulative. She sounds like a child. It's not only evil people that ruin our marriages; it's also selfish, immature people who crush us. You seem to have a parent (you) and child (her) M where you overfunction as Mr. Responsible and she gets to be taken care of as Mrs. Needy. These parent/child relationships often see the "child" acting out and reclaiming their autonomy against the controlling parent. It's an unhealthy dynamic (my M is also this way; we're working on it). If she threatens to kill herself, please get her help while leaving the M. Please don't act like the only way to help is by taking care of her! Her irrational choices are a her problem, not a you problem. Start seeing her as the adult that she is, not a child. Stay on your side of the street. You are creating this "rebellious child," but you can start undoing that by treating her as a capable equal who is not a good partner. She does not need babysitting or instructions; she needs to see your boundaries and experience the consequences of her actions. Walk the walk. No more words or fixing.

You have very little to work with here imo. As the overfunctioner, you may be a bit codependent and attached to the fixer role. (As am I. That's why I'm still married.) It's not as easy for us fixers to put down our underfunctioning partners and walk away, but that's on us. (Are you in IC to work on this?) If we're not getting what we need or happy, we need to own that it is US keeping us stuck in the frustration and stress. I have learned to find my peace in this less-than-perfect M or D, but the only one I control is me. Fixing my partner is NOT my job. And it's not yours either. If you find yourself constantly explaining and correcting the other person's behavior, you are trying to change them. Can you accept the bullshit she is throwing at you and create your own happiness instead of thinking about her? If yes, great. It's not easy, and you might get burned. If not, you need to D rather than waiting every day for her to be as you prescribe. Because you cannot police her forever. She's not your job. The list of her faults above is A LOT to overcome. I'm not sure she's even close to capable of the level of change you need, so then what???

Just as a P.S. I was in-house separated and working through mediation/D before my H made any significant growth. My tears and threats and instructions went in one ear and out the other, so I threw in the towel. Guess what he did? He RAGED. And then he started to do the work on himself. I only put the brakes on the D because I saw growth and change after a year, but we had been separated and living our own lives at that point. I had to let go for him to step up (but only some will).

Best, best, best of luck to you. I know how hard this all is.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:27 PM, Wednesday, July 10th]

Whether or not it's AP is neither here nor there in terms of protecting an M.

Actually it is very important in this situation. OM abused his son,physically. Ww is aware of this. Forget that he's an OM..he's the man who abused his child,which trumps whatever he was doing with OPs wife. If she is in contact with the man who hurt his son, it's extremely relevant. It would mean his son's mother is just as dangerous when it comes to the kids safety,as OM is.

It would mean his son's mother is just as dangerous when it comes to the kids safety,as OM is.

We're going to have to agree to disagree because she has proven herself to be dangerous. No more proof is necessary.

We're going to have to agree to disagree because she has proven herself to be dangerous. No more proof is necessary.

I don't think we disagree then. I disagreed that it wasn't important to know if OM is the random stranger.

I agree she is dangerous. For OP,and the kids. I was pointing out that if she is still in contact with the man who physically abused and terrified her son, knowing he did these things to her child, then she is very clearly not safe for the kids.

Members have disagreed with me, in the past, about her culpability when it comes to what happened with the child. Continuing contact with OM makes her fully culpable.

If it were me I would need to know if my husband was still in an affair with a woman who hit my child, with full knowledge of the abuse.

I’m not disputing that if this really is AP that is an entirely different story, but I feel if it is, that will come out in due time and I will act accordingly. I know my kids don’t want anything to do with him, they don’t all know of the A, but they do know what happened to their brother. While I know many doubt my WWs, I don’t believe she would place the kids in that situation again with AP. I know the counter arguments, but I really do believe that she doesn’t want anything to do with AP again, and that what he did to our children has really opened her eyes, at least to him. She failed to protect our kids this is true, but that has destroyed her, and if anything is probably why she is doing what she is now.

If it is AP, well I’ll handle that legally as best I can. I have enough to at least make a case, but I can’t do much more than that, as I can’t do anything to jeopardize my livelihood.

For sure, it wouldn’t be the first time a woman drops everything to go be with a scumbag, and I no longer think my marriage is special. I just don’t have the energy to investigate further. AP doesn’t even live close to us, completely different state, so for the time being he isn’t a threat.

so I will have to take some time and just figure out what to do in the meantime

.

I don't understand your lack of decisiveness in getting yourself OUT of infidelity.

What? You need TIME to figure out what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

Jeez man - get to a legal counsel specializing in divorce and START the proceeding. Get your affairs in order as advised with regard to financial stuff and your offspring.

You have been rafting down a placid stream and you are approaching class IV rapids and you "need time" - incredible!

PLAN your life moving forward minus the deadweight you are dragging along. Life will become SO MUCH BETTER!

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Mr. Glover? If not - get a copy and READ it!

hope your find your wind and get your sails set soon . . .

The argument it could be OM made sense up to the point of the photo sent to her; now it seems unlikely.

But what is really going on with her? It feels like two things: 1) strangers perving on her via social media give her the external validation she still craves and 2) her not being able to act this way and have you implicitly trust her, like before the A, reminds her of her flaws and failure. This reminder is too much for her ego to accept, so she is raging at you.

It appears that quite a lot of WS can show contrition but only for a limited time. They can't permanently adapt their self perception to "I am someone who has the capacity to fail ethically and spectacularly" Living with that present in their mind for an extended time is too painful. Now I believe that almost everyone should acknowledge that negative potential about ourselves but living with it after having actually done it is a different story I guess. And the BS and tgeir triggers, pain etc becomes the living reminder of the WS's failure... and vice versa of course.

Hippo,

It would be amazing to just up and leave and go buy a boat and rent a new place and oh I’m Divorced and all of those things.

I am the only income and I have 5 kids. I can’t just do things like that.

Even a non contested D is expensive, and as of right now guess who would be paying for it?

My WW can’t buy me out of the house.

There’s a lot more going on then just go. I wish it was simple.‘I wish d was as simple as getting married was. It’s not.

so I will have to take some time and just figure out what to do in the meantime.

On Man! Your spouse has you in a living misery.

How are the 5 kids doing? I'm thinking they are in some distress as they are noticing how you appear and act.

So sorry to read your last post

I've read somewhere that the $$$ to raise a child to college age is over 1/4 million -

Hats off for you taking care of them.

It appears that quite a lot of WS can show contrition but only for a limited time. They can't permanently adapt their self perception to "I am someone who has the capacity to fail ethically and spectacularly"

I think this is an astute observation. I think a huge part of ws recovery has a lot to do with whether they a) felt enough pain themselves to decide to make changes, because all change is usually best precipitated by self motivation and b) really practices and became dedicated to those changes.

The most major change being their relationship with themselves to where they can transmute their vices into healthier hobbies, interests, and reaching a stable point of self actualization.

Why? Because I am convince no WS can permanently adapt their self perception to "I am someone who has the capacity to fail ethically and spectacularly". For a long as they carry that as the main thought it keeps you in the place of believing you are bad and letting your life be ruled by shame.

I would say I am still capable of hurting someone by making the best decisions for myself but I do not see myself as someone who will fail ethically spectacularly any longer. Some people find that dangerous because they think you have to be vigilant over not cheating or whatever. I only have to be vigilant to try and be the best version of myself each day. And in that I can live in a state of self compassion for the decisions of my past because I see a different me today and moving into my future. Without that vision for myself, knowing I am responsible for it, then I would go back to using people to get that stuff.

I am convinced that HNHF wife is still in a state of needing that validation because she has not yet grasped that she has a lot of control over how she uses her creativity to make herself happy. Nor does she see the path to happiness is living more wholesomely, because that is where you can feel proud of yourself. It feels better to do the right thing, but she is still in the cycle she has long been in.

I don’t always think it’s shame holding a ws back. I don’t know if it’s the case here or if it isn’t. I just wanted to point out that the goal is to understand you are the villain in the story but work hard make the changes. Then you don’t have to keep the perception of your villain status because that will in fact keep you doing villain things. We re how we see ourselves and our relationships with others are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.

So in other words, what I quoted up above is good if it causes you enough pain to change and then you do and you can let go of some of the shame of who you are. But it’s actually not the goal to stay there long term. I think the longer you stay in that spot the more likely you are going to backslide and look for someone to make you feel better again. The main goal of every ws is to find the alternatives for their vices and to become committed to ongoing growth for the rest of their lives because they want to be that person. Some ws are only motivated by staying married and the changes they make in that way are not as deep and often don’t last long term.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:21 PM, Thursday, July 11th]