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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:08 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Read pages 8-10 in the "I can relate" forum under "Those who found out years later - part 2. My WH recently did a poly and we both found it very helpful. I was not there, there were 4 questions only and they were based on the disclosure letter (was anything withheld on the disclosure letter for example). It helped me stop questioning if there was more I didn't know like I'm caught up on the secrets. It doesn't solve anything but it helped with the rumination about the empty spaces of the unknowns.

I struggled with the decision to get a polygraph for several years before we finally got one. my therapist said what would be the point there was no way for me to find peace by having her take the test. My therapists reasoning was: If my ws was telling the truth but didn't pass and even though there wasn't anything I didn't know... I wouldn't believe her because she didn't pass and so would get a divorce. If some additional horrible truth came out then I would either have to deal with that or divorce and finally if she did pass and nothing new came out would that give me peace? I wasn't sure it would to be honest. So looking at it that way there it felt like there was no way for me to gain peace.

That all made sense for years but the nagging suspicion that there was something I didn't know about her affair partners or another affair partner just went round and round in my head and I couldn't let it go. It was tearing me apart badly enough that SHE scheduled the test. She did not want to take the test but more than that she wanted me believe her and she wanted to exorcise my demons so she scheduled it. That, itself, went a long way to making me feel better. The place she called was legit. She took the test and passed and I got a report from the company saying as much.

Did it make you feel better after?

yes... yes quite a bit better. I had a huge flood of relief and peace after she passed. I felt so much better mostly because I had created these demons in my mind that were making me miserable.

Did it get rid of doubt?

No, not all of it. I still have doubts about things like 'will she ever cheat again', 'did she love him', 'does she ever regret picking me instead of him'. Stuff like that but not about things like 'is there another guy she's not telling me about'. I used to have those thoughts but not since the test.

How does it actually work?

your ws has to agree to it, they won't do it if your spouse isn't a volunteer. when your spouse agrees you book an appointment that works for them and the technician. Then you come up with the questions and send them to the technician. He/she will work with you to make sure the questions are unambiguous and straight-forward. you can't ask anything like "do you think you will cheat again" you can't really ask about what someone may or may not do in the future. You don't get many questions. Less than 5. They were things like "is there anything you're purposefully not telling me about affair partner <name>", "have you had contact with <name> that I don't know about", "is there an affair partner I don't know about", "are you purposefully not telling me about any affair I know about or don't know about" yada yada. stuff like that.

Did you both get questioned or just your partner?

just your partner. you getting questioned is another test entirely. Along those lines I did not take a polygraph but would the moment my wife had any doubts about something i was telling her or the moment she asked me to take one for that matter. I would have zero issue with taking a test.

Couple other thoughts, while they aren't 100% accurate they are pretty damn accurate from what I read. It is really hard to find concrete numbers on how accurate they are, however. If you read the website of the testing company they'll say things like "polygraphs are over 98% accurate". If you read something out of a magazine or some rando reddit site you'll probably get 'polygraphs aren't accurate at all" or some other bullshit. I don't think anyone really has real numbers on accuracy other than anecdotal. I think that's because a lot of the accuracy comes down to the training and experience of the technician. To that point you're going to want someone with some good experience, and someone who isn't an idiot. I have also read that they are more likely to cause a false negative (not alert when someone is lying) than a false positive (they think you're lying when you're actually telling the truth) which is good in my opinion.

Oh one last thing. My wife was nervous about failing the test. She thought she would fail because she was nervous, not because she was lying. I gave my wife the option that if she failed the test, I would give her one more chance to come clean about whatever she was hiding and then to take the test again. That went a long way toward removing her doubts about failing the test. The rest of her doubt fell away when she talked to the technician. They're good at allaying concerns about failing the test.

The choice is yours of course but my experience was positive all around. You know except the price tag (they are expensive tests to be sure). Well... that and I was very nervous for her to take the test. I wanted her to pass with every fiber of my being and was so worried she wouldn't or that she'd have a parking-lot confession about some new horror that I was in a panic that kept me up three nights before her test. Yeah I forgot about that part, blocked it out I guess. Anyway, glad she took the test... glad she passed and even more glad its behind us.

May you find peace no matter what you decide.

Bigger will likely chime in on this - he and I disagree as to their usefulness (we both have dealt in the criminal arena where they are used/discussed etc). So without getting into that I feel like their biggest benefit is not the test itself (there are reasons they are not admissible in most courts*) but the WS fear of the test. There are countless stories on here of parking lot confessions right before an exam. That has some use.

As for the rest, I think only you can decide if they would give you peace - if you would be able to trust the results (especially if the results do not comport with what you currently believe).

*EDIT - I was referring to criminal proceedings not civil proceedings (my information on this issue coming from a criminal matter in federal court recently and the parties' briefings and citations) and I am not an expert on international law regarding polygraphs (or anything else lol) so I haven't a clue about non-US jurisdictions. Granted I personally find it a bit frightening that anything that "depends on the test administrator's abilities" could be used in court but I digress...

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:21 PM, Wednesday, July 24th]

Someone call my name?
Just a couple of polygraph related issues, coming from a person that thinks they can have a valid role in helping you decide your future actions:

The key issue is to realize that a polygraph does NOT measure truth, but rather honesty.
Like... if you know for a fact your spouse met OP five times, but they only recall four they would pass with the answer “no” if asked if they had met OP five times. Four is their “truth” and they would be honest with their answer, despite it being wrong.
This to me is a key-issue. You don’t use a poly to get the truth, but rather to verify issues that they have already answered. For example: If your spouse tells you that this is the first and only affair, yet fails with the question “Other than your spouse and OP, have you had sexual relationships (as we defined them earlier on) with any other person since xx.xx.xxxx?” you have gotten a strong indicator that they aren’t being honest. Honesty is a key-issue in reconciling a marriage.
This honesty means that the WS has to be able to be truthful. In the above scenario, the WS needs to feel able to confess to everything, even at the risk of the BS ending the relationship there and then. Although I don’t think every relationship should be saved, I do think that a relationship based on falsehoods will never work or be a good one.

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The operator is more important than the equipment used. A bad operator can buy the best equipment, a good operator won’t use anything less than equipment he trusts – by default therefore good. Don’t go for the cheap fair-ground, shingle-at-the-door type of operator. Find one that can verify they do tests for corporate and the legal system (more on that later).

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The test has to serve a purpose. It should be a milestone on your path out of infidelity. This is not something you do every third month, but rather as a confirmation that so far, your spouse has been honest, and that the honesty leads to your marriage moving in a positive direction. If you already plan on divorcing – skip the cost and the test and just file.
What that purpose means is that IF your spouse passes, he/she earns an iota of trust. For example; if the above question about sexual partners results in a pass then the BS needs to work on the basis that there was “only” the one affair. If they fail – there is no trust therefore there is no reason to work towards reconciliation. I think the gravity of the test is of prime importance for the outcome. You both need to understand the gravity of the test, and the outcome of either result.

You need to accept the result – pass of fail. If the result doesn’t meet your desired expectations – you still follow up with the predetermined consequences.

We had a poster here some years ago whose wife was caught repeatedly in a hotel-room with her boss a few miles from the office. Despite her confession to being there, inappropriate and intimate messages, packed lingerie and sex-toys and what-not he had some doubts because she claimed they went there to work, and there was no sex whatsoever. She eventually took a poly. He found out she searched ways to cheat a poly and took some sedatives to do so. Yet she failed. She took a second poly and failed again. Last time I checked on that poster – over a year after the second failed poly – he was miserable in his marriage with his wife, because he couldn’t trust her. Hasn’t posted for a couple of years.
In his instance he should have been very clear on the consequences of failure and gone for divorce because it was totally clear that 1) his wife wasn’t telling him the truth and therefore he couldn’t trust her, and 2) she clearly didn’t trust him with the truth. A marriage without trust...

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Can you fool a poly? I think I could. But that’s because I don’t have any major secrets from anyone that would be life-altering if discovered. In many tests the test-group is offered free pizza and a soda and are told to lie when asked questions like “do you have a million dollars” or “have you been to the moon”.
If my wife insisted, I take a poly about my fidelity... Well... seeing as I have been faithful since the day we met I wouldn’t really be stressed in any way. If however, I had something on my conscience and was fully understanding that by failing she would leave me... I would rather take the risk of being upfront with her about any infidelity and passing the question “other than your wife, Sue, Sarah, Jane and Tracy, have you had....”

Certain people can fool a poly. Sociopaths, idealists (such as spies) and such who either have no conscience, a wrapped conscience or believe in their “truth” can pass a poly with relative ease. Seeing as they are based on the persons perception of the truth rather than the factual truth there is plenty of opportunity to pass without that factual truth.
I guess you can also hire an operator and do some dry-runs where you learn to control your breathing and your reactions to pass. But for a wayward spouse, risking their future and no previous experience of what to expect... I don’t really see it happening.
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Contrary to common belief poly’s are admissible in court in many states (23) and countries Generally, in civil courts and with both parties acceptance. Refusing a poly can not be seen negatively by either party.
Seeing as criminal court tends to deal with morally “wrong” people and has a higher level of reasonable doubt that a civil court then no DA would ever want to base his prosecution on a polygraph result. The defendant – who maybe had little qualms about raping some kids or stealing from homes or whatever – could be trained to pass by his attorney or on his own accord, could have the mental deficiencies making it easier (sociopath) and could even use the DA’s insistence on a methodology that still has questions unanswered to strengthen the defense. The defendant has everything to gain from passing, and little to lose from failing. Of course no DA would use one.

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Finally: Back when I was in law enforcement we sometimes/rarely used poly’s to thin out a crowd of suspects. I recall one investigation where a boatload of cash was stolen from a business. Everything indicated insider job so the first people questioned were the 30-40 staff. This was a preliminary and interview, but one question was if they would agree to a poly. A willingness to take one counted in their favor when listing the likely suspects. Of course, this was only one of many factors; lifestyle, debt, past history, accessibility etc also factoring heavily in. But this helped narrow the field helping us eventually find the culprit. His refusal to take a poly was never mentioned in court or in his charge.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:06 AM, Wednesday, July 24th]