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I don’t really know how to word it or make it come across with as much emotion as it deserves but.

I feel sorry for my H. Not for the decisions he made , not because he CHOSE to betray his four children and I but it’s because something different.

It is because for the first time in his life he is deciding to do the work , he has put all of his selfish hobbies behind him, he’s chosen to start golfing which two of my kids consistently do with him. My 2 year old wakes up, immediately goes to the garage , grabs a club , a ball, and plays the entire day. ( the next tiger woods?) minus the cheating of course because I would shove my foot up his ass. My 10 year old goes with him and gets balls out of the pond, they come home and they wash them and google them to see what they are worth. Some are $13 balls ! They are bonding for probably the first time , ever. He didn’t want her when she was born , he didn’t want the responsibility or the finances , he wanted to play the field and chase his dream and become a rockstar. See how far that got him. We barely get by some weeks.

No. I feel sorry for him because for the first time since quitting the porn he is really understanding what love is , what it’s like to really love your children (I still don’t get that part) the look in his eyes is different , he doesn’t see though is anymore.

It could all be gone tomorrow if I chose to walk.

I am angry but more sad today. I’m sad because he could have fixed this so long ago before we hit rock bottom , before my special needs child was jeopardized (non verbal, always will live at home). I just see him differently with our kids but with that being said I see him for the first time exactly like he was the last 10 years. A monster.

I listen to a playlist on Apple Music called "devil in disguise" and I could send my H every song bc they all remind me of him.

I will never feel sorry for him for what he did and decisions he made. I feel sorry for what he could still lose. He could lose so much and for the first time he sees it. I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders (hear me out I know it’s not my fault) I know it will take years to ever reconcile and move forward and we did nothing to deserve any of it, I still feel so bad. I’m such in my feelings today I just wanted to pour them out here where it is safe.

My H is still onsite at the job close to where he had his A. I asked him to give me space today to sort through all these feelings and we haven’t talked much today other than him telling me he loved me. I asked him to let me be in my own head. I need to sit in the feeling , I haven’t stopped dreaming - having nightmares since his disclosure. Usually his AP is in them. I wonder if my body is trying really hard to process this poison out. I sure hope so.

I offered to watch a close friends son for a few hours last minute so she could do a work meeting. I wish I wouldn’t have. I really feel like I have nothing to give today, thankful my 10 year old is a superstar and is entertaining him (siblings of special needs kids are a different breed , she is so amazing)

Thanks for listening

ETA

Life doesn’t get better than this life with these kids. I feel sorry for anyone who would ever think differently. A humble home, 4 beautiful children , a beautiful loving wife (at least I think so) such a freaking loss, I can just see his future of being broke and miserable now wishing he had us.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 9:34 PM, Wednesday, July 17th]

As a former ws, I will say don’t feel sorry for him.

My husband could divorce me tomorrow and tell me he just can’t forgive. It would be devastating because he is for certain my person. I know this possibility exists but because I have done the work I know I can cope with anything. Honesrly I would be surprised if he really did this but I wouldn’t blame him.

Appreciating your kids, your spouse, your life, it’s a gift. One that is our purpose for being here. I will never be thankful for how I gained all my perspectives, but I am thankful I have them. Your husband can still have a close and loving relationship with your children. If he loses you, he is the one who gambled and if he has changed he will see that clearly should you decide to divorce. Don’t put that pressure on yourself.

Oh Groot I get this. My WH wasn’t that bad before the A - a bit lazy and emotionally void but not a horrible person. However, I think he now sees that I was the first person in his whole life to show him what true love is.

His needs always went before mine, I was patient with him when we started dating because he was a good friend first and I knew he struggled to have deep conversation (or any really) to be able to really connect with another person. I was the only person he has ever confided in with regards to his fathers passing as a 15 year old and the struggles his life had after that. And I gave him a baby and showed him what love and precious times a family can share.

Now he knows he could have potentially lost that for a couple of boring sex sessions. All because he was too damn stubborn to talk to me (which he can seem to do fine now) and too weak to say no to a girl who sent him a picture of her boobs. The ‘hindsight is a bitch’ saying couldn’t be more true!!!

And some days I also feel sorry for him, he never once cried in front of me before this shit show. Now he is an emotional wreck and it honestly breaks my heart. In reality he has not only destroyed my heart but his own. And that is very very sad 😞

[This message edited by Webbit at 9:39 PM, Wednesday, July 17th]

H/O you’re right.

I empathize a lot and I can put myself in almost anyone’s shoes. I feel all the emotions.

I imagine myself as him and I am devastated for him. I need to focus more on myself. I’m getting there. I’ve been selfless most of my life , this is a learning curve for me.

He talked about lowering our finances and I said “my hair and nails won’t be one”

It’s time I felt good about myself.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 9:40 PM, Wednesday, July 17th]

I imagine myself as him and I am devastated for him.

I did a lot of this, and it did me exactly zero good. Probably net negative. It’s hard for people like us, but you really do need to lace up your bitch boots good and tight and be your own advocate. No one is coming to do that for you. You can still be respectful and even kind, but strong and unyielding in what matters.

Ink.

I lace them a little bit a day.

Working on it.

I know what you are saying. It's like my H has finally grown up and seen the light. I shift between pity, anger, grief and sadness almost daily. He is a different man now since DD. Humbled, which is a BIG change. He's worked on repairing and improving his relationships with his adult kids. Major steps. My anger comes at times from feeling robbed of this version of him for the last 42 yrs, but I remind myself that he is a damaged soul. He has missed so much good in our lives together because of his selfish deceitful choices. What a waste.

Now that we are grandparents he gets to really see what it was he missed. He watches his son and son inlaw parent and realizes that he blew it big time. The secret he harbored and the deceit ruined him which in turn ruined us. I can't get those years back. There's a part of me that likes to see his pain in those "light bulb" moments.

He is a good man. He f**ked up bigly. But I am glad we have another chance to get this right.

Trumansworld

I am happy that you get a chance to get it right too.

I felt it when you said you love to see his "lightbulb moments"

I also love this too. There are so many times he is playing with his kids (2,3,7, and 10) and you can see it in his eyes how they are literally the most important thing in his life.
I have watched him slowly stop people pleasing anyone except for who his under this roof and it is so hard to think about what would have been different if he would have taken that route many years ago.

My H was also damaged and was forced to work odd jobs with his dad from the age of 12 and the only way his dad to this day knows how to bond is by working on something with his sons. My H almost avoids going over there at all.

It is a real eye opener for him and for me to see the little things that left him open and vulnerable to an A. The kids and i never deserved this regardless of his FOO Issues, that I know it just helps to see him work on changing things in himself.

As a father, I cannot imagine not being involved with my kids. I personally find it repulsive when dads are like your WH.

Groot you are way too kind to even a place in your heart for your WH. I hope he fully understands that not only are you giving him an undeserved chance at being with you, but that he is getting something so special to actually be a dad to your kids.

HINHF

To be fair, he was known as the "best dad" out of our entire friend group and his family.

He has changed more diapers, gave more baths than me. He took our special needs daughter to every therapy session for two years.

He was always here for their parties, for other events, played with them but it is like he was empty inside, like he was trying to fill this void with a band, then it was writing books, then it was playing pool, paintball, and then finally the A.

I am not saying he is deserving of a second chance, to be fair I don't think any WS should be, it is a gift. With that being said he was a present and loving father. NOW he doesn't look through us, he chooses us over hobbies, he changed his job to make more money for his kids, he is planning vacations for us. He is LESS SELFISH with his time and his hobbies, I think that it is a good way to put it.

He has always loved his kids, he just loved himself more, he never thought his children and i were the solution to his void, he always tried to find it elsewhere, he was trying to escape the things he was always capable of being and it is sad bc he didnt need to do that, he always had it all along.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 5:06 PM, Thursday, July 18th]

Groot1988. I have been trying to get to this thread and comment for a couple of days. Feeling sorry for the remorseful WS doing the work is normal. Us BS while angry, we don't lack empathy.

My W and I have known each other 35 years M 33, my W is one of the most proper ladies I have ever known. She does not use profanity, she is honest and trustworthy, hard worker, a great W and mother. But she traded all of that, for selfish validation. Out of 35 years, the one year of infidelity was the exception not the rule, I believe she is still the most honest and proper lady I know but with an asterisk. I now know what she is capable of, and it really breaks her heart knowing she tainted her reputation. I put her through hell for the first couple of years of R and she took every bit of it, but it does not compare to guilt and pain she has put herself through.

My W has never been to SI, this is my place. But IRL she is a FWS that hates infidelity. I have seen her go toe toe with a friend of hers that was flirting with the slippery slope of infidelity. I have seen her in social situations where people were discussing a S couple and what a loser the H was because his W cheated, my W said "I refuse to sit here and listen to this, and God forbid it ever happens to you".

I am so thankful we did the work because we also have a special needs child, he is 15, and has severe autism. 15 months ago yesterday we rushed him to ER and the next 9 months he was hospitalized. My W was with him the entire time, she did not sleep in our bed for those 9 months, she stayed at the Ronald McDonald House next to the hospital for 4.5 months then he was transferred to Houston for 4.5 months and she stayed in a hotel. We prepared for this storm without knowing it was coming, our M stayed strong and my gut never had any concern. We are a great team in our Son's care, I am thankful she got her shit together when she did. With her dedication and advocacy, and me keeping the rest of our life running, our Son is doing well. I hope your H continues to do the work and you continue to travel healing path because you never know what tomorrow brings.

I am so glad Tanner wrote. I truly think it is too easy to lump all ws together. Ws who feel remorse, work on their issues, apologize, and grow up might be worth a second chance. This is not for those who lie, cheat, spend family money, and have no regrets, and should not have gotten married in the first place.
My husband has given us a good life. I have no idea how badly he behaved because it was always when he traveled. That was years ago. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off not knowing. He was never different.
If you can get over the hurdles enough you might think about it. This is when bs need to know themselves. If you know your personality well you will know whether you hold grudges. If so R might not work. I haven’t forgotten my husband cheated. I have forgiven him. It is too heavy a burden to carry the weight of anger.

Consistency and reliability *over time* is the key to real and lasting change.

Edited for clarity: You have every right to *all* of your feelings. Give yourself grace to process them all.

[This message edited by HardKnocks at 9:32 PM, Sunday, July 21st]