SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had a situation pop up this afternoon with my BFF. She is my ride or die. And, if it weren’t for her, I probably wouldn’t have survived the A. She held my hand.

She also has a history of being a cheater. Two marriages….both ended because of it. Currently single and looking for #3. But, has allegedly seen the damage it caused me and will never be the OW again. We’re traveling at the moment. She met a really great guy. Turns out that his wife hates traveling. She’s done with it. He needs someone to help him crew on a boat. He went to dinner with her, wife was supposed to go….but didn’t. They were out until afternoon 1am. He propositioned her. She’s signed up to crew on the boat, just the two of them without the wife.

And then asked me what I thought. WTAF???? I told her she is a dumbass. Seriously. How do you eventually manage that people are assholes/infidelity even if you know they’d walk through fire for you. Probably just triggered. I think I need to become the cat lady I was afraid of becoming post DDay.

Generally, the subject doesn’t bother me as much as it did - since it is well covered by TV, film and music — but that would be a tough trigger with a close friend.

Sorry your friend is blind to the damage caused and that she is about to cause.

For some folks, they will always need instant validation wherever they can get it.

Lady,

Yea like the lady at a church cookout that came up to me and rubbed her boobs on me in front of everyone.

Did you feel like you needed to warn her likely next OM or like BW?

I felt guilty for not saying something to some young guy who was the next OM for some lady with 4 kids from 3 men when we met her in a food store. She was from the prior church we went to..

Neither memory seems real, it was like I dreaming I was in a sitcom and I would wake up and find out it never happened.

Lady: There seems, to my mind, to be more than cluelessness. at work in many repeat cheaters/AP's willingness to jump right back in the infidelity crucible. Cognitive dissonance can lead you to suspend any thought about the consequences of one's actions, no.matter what innocent intent you profess. It's just so much more pleasurable to not think about the harm you are doing to others and ultimately to yourself. Powerful.neurotransmitters are hard to ignore.in some people I guess.Sorry you have to experience the triggering from your friend's behavior.

Honestly?

YOU. DON'T.

SRSLY.

Ride or Die???

Srsly...

...are you two 'girls' giggling fourteen year olds on a sleepover, sneaking into an unsecured, unmonitored liquor cabinet?

You are looking for excuses with which to 'give permission,' and for what???

I've cut ties and walked away for far less bullshit in order to maintain integrity and decent boundaries.

There's a word for this.

It is 'complicit.'

Has it yet occurred to you that these 'loosey goosey' boundaries in your social circle, and your tolerance of them, contributed to the infidelity in your own marriage?

NO, you did not 'cause' your husband to cheat- clearly understood.

But every waking breathing moment of your life, you are teaching both yourself and ALL of the people in your life, what you are worth, what you will tolerate, what you will live with, why and how and at what price.

And, simultaneously, what you will NOT tolerate.

You willing to send the very clear message to your husband, and his AP who is apparently still in your general venue, that some boundary pushing is OK, because... ???

ETA: Sincere apologies for the admittedly harsh 2x4.
YOU and your integrity, boundaries, reputation, association and friendship are all worth more than this bullshit.

Let the trash take itself out, and if it will not,
FLUSH IT.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 10:59 PM, Sunday, July 28th]

Some people are just broken. It sounds like your friend wants to be a decent person, she just has no idea how to.

Here is my take. After infidelity, I had a simple rule. I cut toxic people out of my life. I am the sum if the five people closest to me. People have often commented of the high quality of the characters of my friends. It is no accident. I am a man of high character, why wouldn't I surround myself with the like?

I’d tell her that she friggin’ knows better and that what she’s considering is hurtful, not only to herself and the unsuspecting wife, but to ME. And that if she wants to repair the rift with me, she needs to never contact this guy again. If it’s too difficult for her to choose between some rando and you, then she’s not really your ride or die.

Oh my, this is horrible. I really feel that knowing the pain the affair has caused you, she should have some sensitivity. But wow...I would really suggest confronting her and breaking fellowship with her if she does not recieve your admonition. She is headed to hurting another woman like you have been hurt. She is not in a good place. And if you keep hanging with her, it will affect you.

But as a direct answer...Yes...would be horribly triggering. Sad.

Like my therapist told me, affairs are an addiction. Sounds like your friend needs to feed it.

The best you can do is to try to talk sense into her, but at the end of the day, it’s her choice. I’d just tell her not to give you any more details beyond what she already told you, given it wakes up your own pain, if that friendship is important.

She IS my ride or die. Not a giggling school girl, 30+ years of friendship where we’ve supported each other through miscarriages, weddings, funerals, births, and yes A drama. In fact, her history and experience on that side of the equation was something of a help to get me through it. And also for FWH to recognize that this was a path he didn’t want for himself.

I do believe in my BFF’s case it is an addiction. I’ve certainly seen the heartache her choices have caused her over the decades. She has on a couple of occasions since FWH’s A told me "I don’t ever want to be the OW again" and "I want to be first in the relationship". This one aside, I’ve seen her break off inappropriate situationships when some guy with a girlfriend is interested….citing "is there anyone who would be upset by you’re having contact with me, if so….we’ll not talk again until I know that this is over".

It’s just, I don’t 100% believe that anyone would be capable of being faithful in the circumstances she’s set herself up for with this married man. Myself included. I have in no uncertain terms told her she is being a complete dumbass. She thanked me for that. I’m not going to talk with her about it further for my own mental health. She’s a grown ass woman who is being monumentally stupid. If I had the guy’s last name, I’d find a way to let his spouse know. It pains me to know, even though it was 5 years ago, my friend would put herself in a position like this. But, I’m not surprised.

In recovering from the A, one thing I’ve learned, is that not everyone can be in a long term relationship. Some people seem to just drift from partner to partner. My BFF definitely seems to be that. BFF will get into a relationship only to sabotage it once the new wears off. She’s not been able to maintain a relationship for longer than a year or two.

I don’t associate with people who lack good moral character. If my absolute best friend said he was going to enter into an affair, I’d tell him to stop that shit or we can no longer be friends, and I mean that 100%!!! Only people with good character are allowed into my world anymore. Period!!

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 9:19 PM, Monday, July 29th]

Ladybugmaam,

Imagine your friend was an alcoholic. You occasionally give her a tongue lashing about how her drinking is unhealthy and her behavior while drunk endangers herself and others... but because you love her and she was there for you when you were badly injured while your husband was drunk driving, you don't want to give up the friendship.

Now imagine that your friend has run over not just one person but several people on several different occasions while drunk driving. Maybe you could argue that it was just horrible lapse in judgement the first time she ran someone over... but after the second or third time, shouldn't you at least entertain the possibility that this is a person who really doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself? How do you justify maintaining a relationship with someone who repeatedly inflicts the pain and horror that you suffered on other people?

Sounds like she can’t help but leave the door open because she has as you say an addiction, to emotionally unavailable men. This is a self esteem/vulnerability issue. She likes the idea of love but something inside of her blocks her from choosing a situation in which she can’t actually achieve it.

Unrequited or unrealized love has a lot of drama and instability in it and you are right to see that the highs and lows of this forms an addiction in the brain. And then normal love, real love is whiter and without conflict and she likely reads that as having no spark because she needs the fire of that chaos.

I agree this isn’t something she should be bringing to your doorstep, and the fact she can’t see she wouldn’t want another woman spending the entire day into the night with someone who would be her husband, or progressing that into spending more time under some flimsy guise. My guess is she hasn’t achieved a healthy relationship as she doesn’t understand what normal boundaries should look like.

It's easy to give advice from the outside and be a real hard ass about it. I'm sorry about that. You're right - she can be your ride or die and still be fallible human being who does unhealthy, hurtful things.

Perhaps the answer is that you can't be the one to whom she talks about it. My BFF is in a bad marriage that she is reluctant to leave because she needs his health insurance. She and her H are very poorly matched, and she's been unhappy for as long as I've known her. A couple of times, she's entertained the idea of an A - once with her old HS boyfriend who's single, and once with a guy she met on a plane. It's possible that she pursued these men more than she told me because she knows how I feel about it.

Hiking out…..I had this conversation with her, actually. We were talking about the "appeal" of toxic relationships.

After the tumultuous turn of events in the early years of post A. We’ve arrived at a place where we have to create our own version of non toxic appeal. And, sometimes be ok with the luxury of a little bit of boredom. And the realization that we can change that in ways where we still lean into each other. (She says knowing she checked her FWH’s phone literally a couple of nights ago in a triggered…all people suck…state).

How do I deal with it, I feel glad I can recognize what's going on and I get a bit of a laugh at the unbelievable, cliche lies & excuses.

Turned out the universe had better ideas. Hurricane and Covid have prevented it for now.