SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Question for the WS' on here, do you ever think of going back 'there' to her/them, even after all the good work?

My husband had an EA with my close friend and neighbour for 4 months. It was a comforting relationship for him as he fought severe depression (all hidden from me as the D made him hate me and 100% blame me for having it) but by Dec had changed into sending flirty messages. Her husband found their text messages of 'Love you like crazy' on Xmas day. He insists it was just comfort and never seen her 'that' way but had crossed the line into flirting/ego stroking and chasing dopamine. (I've not had any TT in 7 months and also through MC - everything he says checks out as he said he is being 100% honest). I also didn't see any of the messages (and I don't want to) as he deleted them all, of course.

We have MC which was worked really well and he has been having his own ongoing therapy. We communicate now (he hasn't been great at this as cant deal with emotions well and surpresses them) we talk now (we stopped talking) as he couldn't deal with conflict (he has attachment avoidant style) he has stopped people pleasing and his therapist has pointed out there is some ND going on there (personality disorder/ADHD). We now spend time apart doing stuff for ourselves, we have date nights, we listen, we are kind to each other. Just basic things that we had stopped doing but making us better for each other and ourselves.

He has had total NC with her from Day 1 (this he said he hasnt found difficult at all), has been supportive when I spiral (the shock gave me PTSD) and doing everything to find out why he crossed that line (he is disgusted at himself) and work on loving himself which is something that he has never done. The D makes it even tougher.

But I still don't feel safe, I have started my own IC that I hoping will help. My 'friend' has had multiple affairs over the years (I didnt know this) and I feel she is a bit of a preditor and seeked out broken man (but he still views her at the time as a good friend to him - although does understand that she was very in the wrong, along with him, by the end.

I just feel stuck, do they go back - even after all the work and they know what they have done? I know this cant be fully answered but just wanted to ask any WS on here what the general thoughts were. I just cant get my head around it all in why do all the work and see the amount of hurt you caused only to go back to somme equally broken.

Im trying to move forward and trust again and still finding it all very hard.

For context, I am 8 years out from ending my A.

I do not miss her at all and have zero desire to ever see her again. Going a step further, I could never imagine a scenario where I would ever go outside my marriage ever again. The very idea is repugnant to me.

Not a WS - but my WS went back to his AP twice after he was caught. D-day 1 was after 4-5 months. D-day 2 was after another year. D-day 3 was like 8 months later. After that the A blew up (it was a workplace A - and the OBS also worked with WS/AP) - everyone at work found out about it and my WH especially was basically shunned and talked badly about. WS I think largely blamed AP for "ruining his life" (haha - zero responsiblity on his part) and they no longer speak except when necessary at work (they still work together as does the OBS who divorced AP in 2021) and he has nothing good to say about her. But for awhile - even after d-day - they were in Luuuuuuuurve.

EDIT: He then started IC to figure out why he managed to destroy not only us but his own life/workplace and friendship (he and OBS had been good friends prior to the A). He has been in IC for almost 4 years now and he is a very different person. While he admits that for awhile after d-day 3 he still thought about the AP, after their big blow out he saw that it was all fantasy and really started to focus on himself - at that time she lost her lustre and he started to see her not as some love-object but as a symptom of a bigger problem that lied within him. So I don't know if he finds her "repugnant" or not but I do know that he has described her as sort of "nothing" - he claims he feels nothing for her at all - and I have no reason to doubt him at this point.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:02 PM, Monday, July 29th]

I am seven years out and that would never be a thought in my head.

However, as you already know there is no security to be had by knowing what we would do. So you have to look at the need behind this question. You would like assurance, security, something that makes the idea of continuing this path of reconciliation feel a little more comfortable.

The only person who can give that to you is yourself. You have to know down deep you have your own back because it will take a good deal of time for your husband to rebuild your trust.

My advice would be to find ways of making assurances for yourself and here are some things I have seen bs do to provide them with a better peace of mind (not suggesting you do all these things just giving examples):

Put aside money that would help you start over. You don’t have to use it, but having it helps mindset
Meet with an attorney so you know your rights. My husband actually had us draw up divorce papers that he didn’t file.
Polygraphs
Therapy for themselves so they could detach from the outcome, heal, and get coping tools for living with unknowns.

What you feel is completely normal, but finding a way to bridge your trust in the situation likely won’t be completely possible for a long time yet. Hopefully some folks will chime in with other ideas.

It does sound like your husband was cake eating rather than conducting an exit affair, but that’s speculation. This is a normal part of your brain that wants to protect yourself from further harm. It’s not only normal but it’s healthy. Your husband needs to earn his way back in many categories, you can’t just give it to him even though you crave the normalcy. He has taken that normalcy away at this point in time.

Please ask questions of WSes in the thread https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/658162/bs-questions-for-ws-part-15/ in the I Can Relate forum.

Please open another thread if you'd like to ask about BSes' experience with WS returning to their ap.

Thanks.